What if I Fly?

by Conway, Jayne

  “Good morning, beautiful.” Will leans down to kiss her.

  “Good morning…How long have you been up?

  “I don’t think I ever slept. I didn’t want to close my eyes and wake up to find you gone. That being with you was a figment of my imagination.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” she smiles, then remembers he’s waiting for a phone call. “Any word from Peter?”

  “Nothing yet.” Will puts his phone down on the nightstand, “Come here.”

  She rests her head against his chest, and listens to his heartbeat in the warmth of his embrace. It doesn’t get much better than this, she thinks, then cringes. Peter could be dead and all she can think about is how good it feels to be in Will’s arms again.

  “Try his number,” she whispers. “See if you can get through.”

  “It’s ringing!” he says and they both sit up. One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Will’s face falls. “Voicemail.” He dials Peter’s apartment, then shakes his head, “No answer.”

  “That doesn’t mean anything. For all you know he’s helping with the rescue efforts. He could be anywhere.”

  “Then why hasn’t he called? He has to know we’re worried sick about him. Julia, I have a very bad feeling about this…I think he’s gone…”

  “We don’t know what he’s gone through in the past…” she checks the clock on her nightstand, “twenty-one hours, Will. Don’t give up hope.”

  “I can’t wait around anymore, I need to do something.”

  “Then let’s go.” She climbs out of bed, “Let’s head to New York now. Why wait six more hours?”

  “I need to stop at my house and change, grab a few supplies. See my parents.”

  “I’m going to stop and see the baby before we go. I’ll take my car and meet you at Ellie’s.”

  “I’d like to meet Liam…if that’s okay.”

  She figures if Will hasn’t noticed the resemblance after seeing two hundred pictures of Liam, then he’s not likely to make the connection in person, though how he can miss the resemblance is beyond her. Maybe he’s in denial and doesn’t want to believe he’s missed so much of his son’s life. Or maybe he just believes me, she thinks, her heart sinking.

  They pull up to her mother’s house around eight-thirty and Julia’s sure Liam’s been up for a couple of hours by now.

  “Mom? Liam?” She walks into the kitchen, “Where are you two?”

  “We’re back here honey!” her mother calls from the patio.

  “It’s hardly changed,” Will says, looking around the kitchen.

  “Not much does around here.”

  Liam runs into the kitchen, wearing his Batman pajamas, and flings himself at her legs.

  “Mama!”

  “Hey sweetie pie.” She leans down and scoops him up, “You’re feeling better I see!”

  “Yes, but Gran said I don’t have to go to school today.”

  She kisses his cheek, suddenly very nervous. What was I thinking bringing Will here? Will’s staring at Liam, his mouth half open, his eyes glazed over.

  Her mother walks into the kitchen and freezes in her tracks.

  “Will.”

  He snaps out of his daze and turns toward her mother.

  “Hi Carol,” he kisses her on the cheek. “It’s good to see you again.”

  “You too, Will,” she says robotically, “Julia?”

  “Liam, this is my very good friend Will.”

  “Nice to meet you.” Liam raises his eyes, a little shy, and holds out his hand.

  Will smiles and bends down, shaking his son’s hand. He’s hypnotized and continues to stare at Liam.

  “Nice to meet you too. Your mom tells me you like baseball.”

  “Want to see my baseball cards?” Liam’s face lights up, and Will nods, smiling. He grabs Will’s hand and pulls him down the hall to Julia’s old room, which is now his room.

  “Julia, what the hell is going on?” Her mother whispers, pulling her into the dining room.

  “Mom, I don’t know where to begin. I haven’t told him so don’t say anything.”

  “Jules, do you think he doesn’t know?” Her mother is in shock. “Did you see the look on his face?”

  “Mom, he saw hundreds of pictures of him at my place and never registered an ounce of recognition.” Carol raises an eyebrow and shakes her head. “We’re going to New York City. His brother is missing.”

  “You’re going where? Out of the question, Julia! It’s dangerous. You’re a mother. You have forfeited the right to do foolish things.”

  “Mom, it was my home for years, and it’s probably the safest place in the country right now, other than DC.”

  “Julia, what are you doing with him? Sweetheart, I know how much he means to you but he’s a married man!”

  “I’m going to tell him about Liam once he files for divorce,” she meets her mother’s gaze defiantly, hands on hips. Julia doesn’t want to think of herself as someone who would have an affair with a married man. But this is Will! He’s the father of her child! She’s not breaking up a happy marriage.

  “He said he’s getting a divorce?”

  “Not in those exact words.”

  “Julia, please,” Carol throws her hands up in the air. “Be sensible.”

  Indignant, she walks away from her mother, down the hall to Liam’s bedroom. They’re facing each other, looking at this year’s Red Sox team. Seeing Will and his son sitting on the floor together, so alike, her breath catches in her throat.

  She never thought this moment would come. She never believed Will would meet his son. The sight of them together, doing something they might’ve done, had he always been a part of their lives, paralyzes her in the doorway.

  “He’s my favorite.” Liam points out Pedro Martinez, and Will picks up the card.

  “Hey, mine too!” Will gives him a high five.

  “I like Trot Nixon, too. Mama doesn’t like his last name. She said that’s the name of a crook.” Will laughs and ruffles his hair, and Julia forcibly snaps herself out of her trance.

  “Well, it is!” she says and enters the room, kneeling on the floor beside him. “Sweetheart, I’ll see you in a few days, okay? I have a lot of work to do, but Gran will take good care of you, and I’ll call you every day. Promise.”

  “Okay, I love you Mama.” He wraps his arms around her neck and squeezes tight.

  “I love you too.” She kisses his cheek.

  Liam turns to Will, “Want to watch a Red Sox game with me?”

  “You bet.” Will looks into Liam’s eyes, “Have you ever been to Fenway?”

  “No! But my mom has. Have you?” Liam’s face lights up with curiosity.

  “I go all the time. Maybe you and your mom can come with me sometime.”

  “Please, oh please?” Liam turns to her, his eyes pleading.

  “That would be wonderful.”

  Julia’s quiet on the drive to Ellie and Kevin’s house and wrings her hands, feeling torn. She feels so guilty about lying to Will. She wants to tell him the truth, but she has to wait until she knows he’s really leaving Avery. Once the papers are filed she’ll tell him. She keeps repeating that to herself like a mantra, once the papers are filed, once the papers are filed…

  “Are you okay?” Will asks, squeezing her knee.

  “I just miss him, that’s all.”

  “He’s a great kid, Jules. I’m glad I got to meet him. Thank you.”

  “He really liked you too,” she smiles weakly, staring out the window, then turns to study Will’s profile.

  Seeing them together was unsettling, more than she imagined it’d be. They were so comfortable with one another, so…happy. The magnitude of the lie she’s told is a weight pressing on her heart.

  Dear Lord, what have I done?

  Ellie’s eyes are swollen and puffy when she opens the door, but her face lights up when she finds Julia standing beside Will.

  “Two of my favorite people, together again.” She pulls them ins
ide the house and wraps her arms around her brother. “I am so happy to see you two, you have no idea! I’ve waited years for this.”

  Ellie hugs Julia to her, and whispers in her ear, “Does he know?” Julia shakes her head and mouths, no.

  “Have you heard anything from Peter yet?” Ellie asks Will and he shakes his head. Her chin trembles, “What if something happened to him, Will?”

  “I don’t know Ellie.” Will hugs her again, “One day at a time, right? I’ll find him, no matter what.” Ellie nods and wipes her eyes.

  “Where’s Kevin?” Julia asks. She’s sitting with Will on the couch, going through pictures of Peter.

  “He finally found a rental car and has been driving all night from Cleveland.” Ellie sighs,

  “He should be home in an hour or so.”

  “How about this one?” Will holds out a photo. It’s a close up shot and Peter’s smiling. Ellie takes it from him and nods.

  “That’s a good one,” she says, choking back a sob.

  “Do you have a scanner and printer here?” Julia asks.

  “In the study.”

  “I’m going to run home and change.” Will rises, “I’ll be back soon.”

  “Show me where everything is,” Julia says. “I need a marker, paper, tape.”

  “How did this happen?” Ellie walks her into the study, “I’m over the moon excited for you both. Tell me!”

  “Fate.” Julia grabs the sharpie and starts writing, “I bumped into him at the deli yesterday after the attacks. Life’s too short, Ellie. I told him I’ve always loved him.” She shrugs, “I’ll be the mistress if I have to, I don’t care! I just want to be with him. Does that make me a home wrecker?”

  “Ha!” Ellie snorts, “There’s no home to destroy. The bitch wrecked your home years ago.”

  “Will met Liam this morning.”

  “What?!” Ellie’s eyes practically pop out of her head.

  “Yes, we stopped at my mom’s on the way here.” She turns to Ellie, “It was crazy. I feel so guilty, Ellie. They’re two peas in a pod, totally enamored of one another. They talked baseball.” Julia’s eyes fill with tears.

  “And he didn’t realize…?” Ellie asks, stunned.

  “Nope,” Julia shakes her head.

  “How is that possible?” Ellie’s brow furrows, “Liam is the spitting image of him...”

  “I think people see what they want to see.” Julia holds Ellie’s hands in hers, “I hate lying to him, it’s tearing me up inside. When he asked me about Liam’s father, I almost choked. I’ll tell him the truth, Ellie. I will. But what if he hates me? What if he can’t forgive me?”

  “Julia, stop. What’s done is done. You have to believe he loves you enough to forgive you. You did it to protect your son. His son!” Ellie cries. “When are you going to tell him?”

  “When he files for divorce,” Julia looks her in the eye, “And not one second sooner.”

  “Jules, my brother is back,” Ellie smiles. “I see the fire in eyes again. He’s not a zombie anymore.”

  “He said I brought him back to life.”

  “You did. Now let’s find my other brother in the same condition.”

  Julia places the poster on the scanner and prints two hundred copies of the “Missing” sign she created. She picks up the stack of paper and hugs Ellie to her.

  “I pray we don’t need to use these, El.”

  ***

  Will and Ellie walk to their parent’s house and their mother greets them in her housecoat, her eyes bloodshot and swollen. She’s aged overnight. A pillar of strength throughout their father’s illness, the idea of losing one of her children is too much for her to bear.

  Their father is sitting on his favorite leather chair in the den, a blanket wrapped around his legs. The television is on low, the screen filled with images from the rescue efforts currently underway at what is being called Ground Zero.

  Ellie kisses her father on top of his head and sits on the couch while their mother paces around the room with her rosary beads.

  “They pulled someone out of the rubble alive a little while ago,” his father says, eyes glued to the television screen. “There’s still hope for others.”

  “Dad, I’m heading to the city to find Peter.” Will pulls the ottoman next to his father’s chair, and takes his hand. “We haven’t been able to reach him by phone and it’s been more than twenty-four hours.”

  His mother sits beside Ellie on the couch and weeps into her hands.

  “Mom, we don’t know if Peter was downtown. He could be anywhere. I’ll find him. Has Sloane been able to get off the Vineyard?”

  “Yes. She called a little while ago. She’ll be here a little after noon. I’m so worried about her and the baby.”

  Will sits up, startled. The baby?

  “She’s pregnant again?” Ellie asks, her eyes wide.

  “She’s only eleven weeks along and they didn’t want to tell anyone yet.”

  Sloane’s had three miscarriages in the past five years, all in the first trimester. Each loss has devastated both Peter and Sloane. He rubs his hands over his eyes, tears springing up at the possibility of his brother never seeing his child. Jesus Christ.

  “Before you go, let’s all say a prayer.” His mother rises, shaky on her feet, and begins, “Hail Mary, full of grace…”

  There aren’t many cars on the road as Will and Julia make their way toward New York, until they reach the Connecticut-New York border. There isn’t any train service into the city and the bridges and tunnels into Manhattan are still closed.

  They’ve been listening to the radio and their best bet is to take a ferry into the city from New Jersey. That’s been the only way on and off the island over the past twenty-eight hours. Over five hundred thousand people were ferried off Manhattan yesterday in less than nine hours, as boats from all over answered the Coast Guard’s call for help.

  “It’s mind-boggling.” Julia shakes her head. “It took nine days to evacuate three hundred and thirty thousand soldiers from Dunkirk during World War II.”

  Julia studies the map while he weaves in and out of traffic, her eyes squinting in concentration, turning the map around to get a better look.

  “We should take the Tappan Zee Bridge off the Interstate to New Jersey and try to get on the Palisades Parkway. There’s a ferry terminal in Edgewater that can take us to mid-town.”

  He takes her left hand in his and holds it to his lips and Julia smiles, her eyes filled with warmth. He’s so thankful she’s here with him, that she’s part of his life again. It’s a miracle. And now that she’s here, there’s no turning back for him.

  During the drive he’s been thinking about his situation. He’s going to file for divorce. He’ll talk to Avery as soon as she’s back from California. Avery isn’t going to go without a fight, but if he has to give her every penny to his name, he’ll do it.

  As long as he has Julia, he has everything he needs. And Liam. Her son’s never had a father and he wants that privilege. When he sat with Liam this morning, he was filled with love for her child. He’s part of Julia, how could he not?

  His parents are going to be disappointed. There’s never been a divorce in his family. He’s not looking forward to that conversation either, but he doesn’t care if they approve anymore.

  Will finally understands. He doesn’t owe his parents anything but his love, but he does owe it to himself to be happy. It’s taken him thirty-two years, and a national tragedy to finally get it. This is my life and I’m not going to waste another day of it.

  ***

  It’s warm out today, close to eighty degrees. The ferry terminal in Edgewater is filled with hundreds of people who’ve gathered to make the journey into the city in search of missing loved ones, and there’s a hush over the crowd. No one wants to say the unspeakable, that their search is probably in vain.

  Julia holds onto Will’s arm, studying the faces of the people around her. Parents, spouses, siblings, friends, of all
races and creeds. Everyone at the terminal is united by one thing, hope. Hope that the person they love is somewhere on the other side of the Hudson River. Alive.

  She stares at the list of New York City hospitals she wrote down a few minutes ago. If Peter isn’t at his apartment, the hospitals are their next stop. Thousands of people are being treated in area hospitals, though very few are survivors from inside the World Trade Center.

  As Will parked the car, they heard over the radio that a man was rescued from the depths of the debris just a little while ago. He survived for twenty-seven hours, perhaps there are more?

  Will looks nervous, but determined. Who knows what they’re going to find when they reach the island, but he’s handling this difficult situation with strength. This morning he shared his fear that Peter is gone. If his brother was alive he would’ve found some way to make contact with the family.

  It would be absolutely devastating if he turns out to be right, but she doesn’t believe he’ll fall apart like he would’ve in the past. Will told her about Sloane’s pregnancy, and her history of miscarriages. This has to be extraordinarily stressful for her, and as much as Julia disliked Sloane in the past, she wouldn’t wish this on anyone.

  As the ferry makes its way down river toward the Manhattan terminal at 39th Street, the city skyline comes into view, the smoke still billowing over lower Manhattan. Her breath catches at her first sight of it, her hand flying to her mouth in shock.

  Despite seeing them fall to the ground live on television yesterday morning, she didn’t really believe the Towers were gone. But they are, just as surely as the people who were in those buildings are gone. There’s a gaping hole in the skyline…and in the lives of the victims’ families.

  The Twin Towers were Julia’s point of reference in her early days living in the city. She could always navigate using the Towers as her guide. Those monsters. She’s filled with fury at the people responsible for this devastation.