Letting Go

by Ann O'Leary

  “Hi babe, I’ve missed you. When am I going to see you?” Kelly purred. Kelly had been a long way from Laura’s thoughts.

  “Oh…umm…hi,” Laura replied nervously. “Look, can I call you back in a few minutes?”

  Kelly seemed a bit surprised at Laura’s unsettled tone, but answered, “Sure, I’ll talk to you later then.”

  When Laura returned to Kate, her mood had changed somewhat. “Sorry, darling, I’m afraid I’ll have to really say good-bye for today. There are things I’ve got to do.”

  “Is something wrong?” Kate asked.

  Laura managed a reassuring smile. “No, not at all.”

  She gave Kate a last embrace, promising to call her before Thursday.

  As the door closed behind Kate, Laura’s thoughts turned to Kelly with some anxiety. She realized it wasn’t going to be as easy as she had hoped to switch her feelings from one 90

  to the other. She was still sure that the best way to protect herself emotionally from Kate was to continue her affair with Kelly, but there was a problem. Her mind was full of Kate. Her body wanted only Kate. So how was this going to work? she wondered. It’s just that I hadn’t seen Kelly for a while, she decided. Kelly was still the same attractive, sexy woman she was before.

  She bustled around the apartment for a while, tidying up, and getting out her notes for the campaign she wanted to start work on for one of Adwork’s new clients. All the while, she was putting off returning Kelly’s call. After about an hour, she picked up the phone.

  “Don’t be so stupid,” she muttered to herself, as she dialed Kelly’s number.

  “You took your time,” Kelly said. “Did I interrupt something important? Or should I say…someone?” Kelly’s tone was gently teasing.

  “Sorry about that, I just couldn’t talk before,” Laura replied evenly. Before Kelly could ask any more questions, she asked, “So when are we going to get together?”

  “Why not tonight, I’ve missed you.”

  Laura hesitated. The thought of sleeping with Kelly tonight, after this weekend with Kate, just seemed out of the question. “Oh…umm…tonight’s not a good idea,”

  Laura said. “I’ve got work to finish. How about tomorrow night?”

  “Okay, honey,” Kelly said. “I’ll be there around nine o’clock tomorrow.”

  “I look forward to it,” said Laura, trying to ignore her misgivings.

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  * * *

  On Monday, Laura was busy working with Tony on the new campaign. It was for one of the clients Tony had picked up recently in Sydney, Furniture King, which had branches in all states. There was a lot to do to prepare for a presentation next week and as usual, Laura’s personal problems always seemed to fall into perspective when she was busy. By the afternoon, she’d convinced herself that she was really looking forward to seeing Kelly that night, and she wasn’t so obsessed with Kate. She was concentrating hard on a layout when the phone rang.

  “Darling, I can’t stop thinking about you. I had to hear your voice.”

  The instant Laura heard Kate’s words, her heart began to pound and a wave of desire washed over her. She felt immediately disoriented. Everything else vanished from her mind, except for the image of Kate’s liquid eyes and luscious mouth. Her body tingled at the memory of her touch.

  “Are you still there?” Kate asked, when Laura didn’t reply.

  “Uh…yes…I’m here.” Laura’s response was barely more than a whisper. “You took me by surprise, as you always seem to do. You took my breath away for a moment.”

  “Laura, don’t be mad with me, but I don’t think I can wait till Thursday. I miss you so much.”

  This was almost too much for Laura. “Please, Kate,” she said, her voice husky. “You don’t know what you’re doing to me.” She took a moment to gather her thoughts. “Look, I’ll see you in here tomorrow. I need you to look at some 92

  layouts that’ll have to be typeset quickly—that is, if you let me get them finished,” she added with a smile in her voice.

  “Are you busy tonight?” Kate asked hopefully.

  “Yes, darling, but I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” When Laura hung up the phone, she felt shaken. So much for keeping her feelings for Kate under control, she thought. She only had to hear her voice and she turned to jelly. She wondered how on earth she was going to stop herself thinking about Kate tonight, when Kelly came over. Just then, Tony knocked and came into her office. She welcomed the diversion as they discussed another presentation for the next day, this time for a retail chain of women’s clothing.

  “Oh God, I’ll have to scramble around and find some glamorous ‘frock’ to wear, I suppose,” Laura grumbled.

  “Shit yeah, mate,” Tony said. “You’ll need to look pisselegant for this snooty client,”

  Just then Laura heard a familiar, and by now almost comforting pop outside her half open door. “Yes, Jodie?” she called.

  Jodie, poked her green spiky hair around the door.

  “This just arrived for you,” she announced as she came in holding a box of cut flowers. Long-stemmed red roses.

  “Jesus, they would’ve cost a few bucks,” Tony remarked. There was no card, but Laura knew they were from Kate. “They came by courier,” Jodie said, before returning to her desk. Laura was speechless, and Tony decided it was a good time to leave for the day. Laura sat there at her desk gazing at the beautiful flowers and her eyes began to fill with tears. Everything about Kate’s behavior during the little time they’d spent together suggested that Kate was in love with her, or at least thought she was. The flowers were 93

  a further indication of that. Laura hoped that Kate would resist actually saying the words. She dreaded the thought of hearing them. It had all become hard enough to keep her feelings under control. She also couldn’t bear the thought of Kate being hurt.

  She looked at her watch, and realized she’d better finish the work she had in front of her, or she’d be there all night. She had to see Kelly later tonight. A cold shiver ran down her spine as she thought of how Kate would feel if she knew Laura was still seeing Kelly. So far, it hadn’t occurred to Kate to ask about her, as Laura had predicted. Laura moved the flowers to a side-table and turned her attention to positioning the headline on her Furniture King press layout. Laura arrived home at around eight o’clock that evening. She placed the roses in a tall cut-glass vase on the dining table, then prepared herself a salad sandwich and had a shower. She’d become used to this routine when Kelly was expected. They always had a drink together and chatted, catching up with each other’s news, but basically, they got together for sex, and Laura was usually dressed for the occasion. Previously, she’d looked forward to Kelly’s visits, but tonight, Laura hesitated about putting on her robe after finishing in the shower. It suddenly seemed such an overt sexual invitation to be wearing nothing but a robe. But this is what she’d always done before, so why even think about it now?

  She decided she needed a drink. She needed to relax. As she was heading to go downstairs, she glanced at the bed. Her throat tightened as she remembered last night, when 94

  she was sleeping alone. The sweet scent of Kate’s body had been faintly discernible on the sheets, and Laura had nestled her head with a contented sigh into the pillow that still held the fragrance of Kate’s hair. With her misgivings about tonight increasing, she realized she had to change the sheets for Kelly. She harbored a pervading sense of guilt. She silently chastised herself for this as she remade the bed. What’s the matter with me, she thought, I’m completely free, with no commitments to anyone. I’m just being far too sentimental, she decided. It’s Kate’s innocence that makes me feel guilty.

  Around nine o’clock, the door buzzer sounded just as Laura was finishing a very strong vodka and tonic. She pressed the security door release and opened her apartment door.

  Feeling fit and looking forward to seeing Laura, Kelly bounded up the stairs. Laura smiled in greeting, and Kelly felt a rush of lust as her eyes alig
hted on Laura’s. This affair had lasted longer than most for Kelly. Laura was just perfect. She was single, so there were none of the usual clandestine brief meetings that Kelly was used to, and Laura made no emotional demands on her. It was wonderful being able to spend the whole night with her, and best of all, Laura was simply gorgeous. In one movement, as agile as a cat, Kelly stepped in, kicked the door closed and swept Laura into her arms. “Come here,” she demanded, before she covered Laura’s mouth with her own in a burning urgent kiss. It was usually at this point that Laura gave in to the fire between them, but there was something different about her tonight, Kelly thought. The usual heat didn’t seem to be 95

  there. Laura gently pulled herself away from Kelly.

  “Hey, you’re in a hurry aren’t you?” she asked with a smile.

  Kelly grinned back at her. “I’m always in a hurry when I see you, you know that.”

  “Why don’t we have a drink and catch up,” Laura suggested. “We haven’t seen each other in a week or so.”

  With that, she moved away and headed for the kitchen. Kelly’s gaze followed Laura’s lovely retreating figure.

  “Okay, I’ll have a scotch and soda.”

  Then she saw the imposing roses on the dining table. These weren’t the kind of flowers you buy for yourself. She had been slightly surprised at Laura’s relative coolness just a moment ago. Normally Laura’s response was as urgent as her own. These flowers, red roses, were almost certainly from another admirer. Kelly wasn’t surprised at that; of course a woman like Laura would have plenty of admirers. But perhaps, it suddenly occurred to Kelly, it was more than that. Maybe Laura had another lover. Kelly inwardly shrugged. As long as it doesn’t affect us, it doesn’t worry me, she thought. Laura had told Kelly she wasn’t interested in any serious involvements with anyone, but Kelly was disconcerted, aware of a slight threat to their cozy arrangement.

  “So, what have you been up to this week?” Kelly asked as she accepted the drink from Laura.

  “I’ve been very busy at work with some new campaigns.”

  Laura gulped her vodka and tonic. It looks like her second, Kelly noted.

  Kelly told her about her weekend away camping with friends near the Murray River, on the New South Wales border, then quietly asked, “So, have you missed me?”

  96

  Laura drained her glass, and set about pouring another.

  “Of course I have.”

  Kelly noticed that Laura’s eyes were averted as she answered. Normally, she would have gazed at Kelly seductively, and perhaps even said, “Come upstairs and I’ll show you how much.”

  There was a disquieting silence between them. Laura lit a cigarette and fiddled with her lighter, turning it around in her hand. Kelly felt she wanted to clear the air and find out what was going on with Laura. “Are you seeing someone else?”

  Clearly, this took Laura by surprise. It was as if she’d been hoping Kelly wouldn’t notice her unusual behavior. She gulped down half of her drink and visibly relaxed. The alcohol’s beginning to work, Kelly thought.

  Laura looked at Kelly directly and asked, “What do you mean?”

  Kelly smiled. “You’re not very good at this, are you,” she said quietly.

  Laura looked away, and swallowed the remainder of her drink. Kelly got up from her chair, went to Laura and put her arms around her. She gently kissed her neck and her face and stroked her hips through the silk of the robe.

  “It’s okay, baby. As long as our arrangement can continue, it makes no difference to me. I mean…after all, you wouldn’t do anything silly like fall in love, would you? You and I know better than that.” She continued kissing Laura’s neck.

  “How did you know?”

  Kelly laughed softly. “Oh…the kiss at the door, your hesitation, the roses on the table, but most of all, your

  ‘giveaway eyes,’ honey. I’ve seen a lot of ‘giveaway eyes’ in 97

  my time.”

  “You’re right,” said Laura. “I’m not very good at this. I really want you to be here, but I feel strange about it. I think I must have a deep-seated purist streak in me that’s making me feel a little hesitant tonight.”

  “Well, in that case, I’d better take it slowly,” said Kelly in her seductive tone, “and see if I can make that purist streak disappear. I suggest we go upstairs and I’ll take off your robe, and lay you down comfortably…” Kelly brushed her lips against Laura’s neck and gently pressed her body into Laura’s. “Then I’ll kiss you slowly from your head to your feet, very slowly...” She sensed Laura finally beginning to respond.

  She kissed Kelly’s earlobe and whispered, “Yes.”

  Kelly wanted Laura badly by now but she wanted Laura to be as ready for her as she’d always been, so she didn’t want to rush things. She made a few erotic suggestions.

  “And then, baby, when you really need me, I’ll go down…

  and tease you with my tongue…taking my time…and have you crying out for mercy. Does that all sound like a good start?”

  At last Laura turned to face Kelly and kissed her sensuously. “Come upstairs with me,” she whispered. Upstairs, in the soft light from a candle, Laura responded to Kelly with all the fervor and lust of their best times together. Once they had begun, she was sexually experienced enough to be able to block out all other thoughts and focus on the moment. It was later, when they were lying on the disheveled sheets, damp and trembling in each other’s arms, and Kelly was falling asleep, that other thoughts began to 98

  pervade Laura’s mind.

  The nights were colder now, and the crickets and other warm-weather insects had ceased their plaintive nighttime calls. Laura reached across and blew out the candle on the bedside table. The flicker on the walls and ceiling was replaced with haunting white moonlight. Laura suddenly shivered. She reached down and pulled the quilt up over them. Kelly snuggled into Laura, kissed her shoulder softly and was soon asleep. Laura lay very still, gazing at a slash of moonlight that cut across the ceiling. The apartment was silent, except for Kelly’s rhythmic breathing. A cold desolate feeling, like an ominous shadow, slowly crept over Laura. She felt a knot begin to tighten in her stomach. Her body beneath the warm quilt felt chilled. Her heart began to pound, and she was gripped by a feeling of panic. It was years since she’d felt quite like this. Despite the warmth of the woman sleeping beside her, Laura felt utterly alone. As she lay there, her body tense, her mind began to fill with disturbing, fragmented images. She saw Kate’s brown eyes filled with tears—“Why can’t it be me?” She heard Kate’s voice— “Make love with me, Laura…” Then Alex’s limp body reappeared in her mind and Laura remembered her lips pressed against icy cold skin—“Alex, don’t leave me…

  don’t leave me.”

  Laura found herself whispering those words aloud in the darkness— Don’t leave me—as with horror she re-lived that moment when her own life had also seemed to slip away. She wiped at her face, wet with tears, and turning over, away from Kelly, she eventually fell into a restless troubled sleep.

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  * * *

  Laura woke at six the next day. She felt tired and headachy, she looked across at Kelly who was still asleep, then slipped quietly out of bed and went downstairs. She made herself some coffee and sat looking out through the French doors at the sea. Only a few cars swept by on the Esplanade below at this early hour. A fine misty rain was falling, and the sky was overcast. The leaden sea swelled in oily slow motion. Laura lit a cigarette and watched the blue-gray smoke curling upwards, as she sipped her strong coffee.

  As soon as she’d opened her eyes this morning, her first thoughts were of Kate. She was frustrated and furious with herself. She’d tried everything to prevent Kate from becoming an obsession—except, of course, to stop seeing her altogether. That would be impossible. It was Kate’s fault too, she fumed silently. Why couldn’t she have just taken no for an answer? She just didn’t need this complication in her life. Overwhelmingly, Laura was possessed with
the guilt. She was betraying Kate’s trust and only getting away with this because Kate was too sweet and too innocent to believe she would still be seeing Kelly. But as much as Laura pondered the situation, she couldn’t think of any other solution. The fact was, despite her fears, she loved having Kate in her life. She would just have to work harder at keeping this attraction in perspective. She was Kate’s first real lover, and Kate was enjoying it, for all it was worth. For now. But in due course, Kate would move on, and Laura was determined that when that time came, her life would go on as before, undisturbed.

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  Thank God for Kelly, Laura thought. Without her she’d be in real trouble. Another thought hovered in the back of her mind, however, that she wasn’t willing to examine just then. She had woken on Saturday and Sunday mornings with Kate beside her and felt wonderful. She had woken this morning feeling desolate.

  She heard Kelly go into the bathroom and have a shower. She made some more coffee and turned her thoughts to the presentation she had to make today at the office. Soon, Kelly came downstairs ready for work, wearing the change of clothes she had brought with her.

  “Good morning, gorgeous.” She put her arms around Laura and kissed her.

  Laura held her close and returned the kiss. Last night, before Laura’s melancholy mood had overtaken her, had been wonderful. Laura hoped that Kelly would forget about her initial reticence. “I’ve made you some fresh coffee,” she said, handing her a cup. “And when am I going to see you again?” she added with a smile.

  “Well, I was disappointed that you were already up when I woke,” Kelly said seductively, “because I was planning a morning ambush on you.”

  “Were you now?” Laura teased.

  “I mentioned a while ago that I had a two-week vacation planned in Cairns, and I’m leaving tomorrow,” said Kelly.

  “Oh right,” Laura murmured as she remembered this. Kelly drank some of her coffee. “I’m going to miss you, baby. Although, you probably won’t miss me. Your new girlfriend will no doubt keep you busy.” She gave a wry smile.