Letting Go

by Ann O'Leary

  Laura looked away from her quickly, saying evasively,

  “Oh, I’ve no doubt that some gorgeous bikini-clad girl will 101

  keep you occupied up in Cairns.”

  Kelly looked down at her feet, plunging her hands into her pockets. “I don’t know about that. Maybe you’ve spoilt me for other women, honey.”

  Laura was rather surprised to hear these words from her. They suggested a possessiveness that was out of character. She wondered if Kelly regretted her timing—leaving for a vacation when some other woman had just come into Laura’s life. She was relieved when Kelly looked up at her with her usual confident grin, ending the uncomfortable moment.

  Kelly picked up her cup and swallowed the rest of her coffee. “Well, aren’t you going to kiss me good-bye?”

  They embraced and kissed and Laura wished her all the best for a good vacation. After Kelly had gone, Laura couldn’t help feeling slightly worried. With Kelly away for two weeks, what was she going to do for a safety net? An hour and a half later, Laura arrived at the office, ready for the presentation. To her dismay, she found that the Furniture King client had arrived early, and was chatting amiably with Jodie. Laura greeted Mr. King and assured him that they would start the meeting shortly. Soon after she entered her office, Jodie came in with some fresh coffee.

  It was just what Laura needed. “Oh, you’re a godsend, Jodie,” said Laura as she gratefully accepted the coffee.

  “How are you coping with the Furniture King?”

  “Oh, he’s a bit of a dork, but he’s all right. I can handle him,” replied Jodie, with a small bubble gum pop. Being a bit distracted, Jodie had forgotten to hide her gum, but 102

  today, Laura didn’t care. She’d seen how well Jodie dealt with their clients, and Laura was glad she was there to entertain Mr. King.

  “You’re doing a really good job here, Jodie. I’m pleased with the way things have worked out,” Laura said.

  “No worries,” Jodie replied, with a dismissive shrug. But she looked pleased.

  Laura found Tony in a bit of a panic. “That bastard turned up this morning with a stack of changes to his campaign. Including changes in sale dates and product lines, for Christ’s sake!” Tony hissed.

  “Oh shit,” Laura groaned. “All the artwork will be wrong; the presentation will be a waste of time!”

  “I hate this fucking client…he’s a pain in the ause!” Tony whined in a frustrated tone. Tony rarely got upset by these sorts of things, which were commonplace in their business. Laura sought to console him. “Look, all the design work should go through okay, and that’s the hardest part. We can present all that to him and go through the copy changes. I can get the artwork changed by the end of the day and send it over to him for final approval. With any luck, we should still make his press deadlines.” She smiled reassuringly at Tony. He relaxed a little.

  “Yeah... you’re right,” he said. “Well let’s go and have this shit of a meeting then.” A hint of his usual good humor had returned. Their partnership worked well because they always supported each other. When one was in a panic, the other was always the cool voice of reason.

  Laura felt tired and drained this morning but put on a good show and managed the presentation well. The client approved all the essential elements of the campaign, but the changes meant Laura would have a very busy couple 103

  of days. She left Tony to go through all the cost alterations and returned to her office. She had a lot of other work to do without all these amendments as well. She decided to phone Kate, and see if she could come over right away and get started on all this. She hesitated before picking up the phone, feeling guilty again. She silently chastised herself, and taking a deep breath, she picked up the phone and dialed Kate’s direct number.

  “Hello, Kate Merlo speaking.”

  Laura instantly melted at the sound of Kate’s voice. Any attempt at maintaining a businesslike attitude was useless, and Laura’s response was, automatic. “It’s me, darling,” she said softly.

  “Oh Laura, I’ve been thinking about you.”

  “Thank you for the roses, they’re beautiful,” said Laura.

  “You’ll see them on Thursday night. I thought I’d cook something and we’d spend the night at home. What do you think?”

  “The only thing wrong with that idea is that I have to wait two more nights. I don’t know how I can.”

  Laura imagined Kate’s beautiful face and closed her eyes in an attempt to quell the longing that swept over her. It seemed like forever since she’d held her in her arms. She swallowed hard, and regained some composure. “It’s not long,” she replied. “Anyway, I need you to come in here now if you can, to go over some urgent artwork changes. You can tell me what you want for dinner on Thursday.”

  “I’ll be there in about an hour,” Kate said, “but it isn’t dinner that interests me.”

  It took Laura some minutes to collect her thoughts and get back to work after finishing her phone conversation with Kate. She was determined that she was going to 104

  behave professionally when Kate came in, and then set about immersing herself in her work.

  Less than an hour later, Laura got up from her desk and opened the door to Kate. All her earlier resolve evaporated instantly as she looked at Kate. Neither of them spoke as they looked, mesmerized, into each other’s eyes. Laura closed the door and then, pressing her back firmly against the door, she took Kate into her arms and kissed her. She just couldn’t help it. Kate seemed to dissolve in Laura’s embrace. Kate slipped her hand under Laura’s skirt, and as her caress reached higher along Laura’s thigh, Laura caught her hand.

  “Don’t do that,” she murmured. She held Kate close; their hearts were pounding.

  “Please let me spend tonight with you, Laura,” Kate implored, “I can’t bear this.”

  Laura looked into Kate’s eyes, and saw the same longing, desire and need that overwhelmingly, she felt herself. “Okay. I think we have to be together tonight,” she replied. She gently moved out of Kate’s embrace then and said, “Now let’s try to be professionals and get some work done. If we don’t hurry, we’ll both be working all night.”

  Later, when Kate had left, Laura had to admit to herself that she wanted to spend more time with Kate than she’d planned. It was with a mixture of relief and apprehension that she recalled that Kelly was away for two weeks. For now, she had to push all these thoughts from her mind and get on with her work. She really did want to make it home tonight. By working fast, and delegating much of the work she had to finish that day to freelancers, Laura managed to leave the office in time to stop off at the market on the way home. She was too tired to think about going out for 105

  dinner with Kate, and looked forward to relaxing at home with her. She picked up some Asian vegetables, chicken and fresh noodles to make a simple stir-fry.

  She arrived home just as Kate arrived, and they carried the shopping bags inside together. Kate chatted away about the artwork she had completed in record time that afternoon for Laura, and Laura was reminded once again how capable and reliable Kate was. It felt so comfortable arriving home together, as if they did it all the time. Normally Laura liked a bit of private time in the evenings. When she lived with Debbie she always avoided conversation with her for an hour or so while she unwound, but tonight, it felt good that Kate was there.

  They piled up the groceries on the kitchen bench and then embraced. There was nothing to stop the flow of passion between them. Kate pressed Laura up against the bench and kissing her, again slid her and under Laura’s skirt. She took her mouth away from Laura’s long enough to murmur, “Am I allowed to do this now?” as her fingers crept between Laura’s thighs. Laura groaned in response, her panties growing wetter with each stroke.

  Laura was in danger of her knees giving way, so she took Kate’s hand from under her skirt and began lead the way upstairs.

  A short time later, in the last remnants of thin golden light from the setting sun, their bodies
were entwined on the white sheets, their love-making urgent and intense. Glowing in each other’s warmth, they came back downstairs, and while Kate opened a bottle of wine, Laura began to prepare their meal. They found themselves frequently gazing into each other’s eyes, and they caressed and kissed at every opportunity.

  106

  Kate slid onto a high stool on the other side of the kitchen bench, and Laura began stirring the chicken in the wok. Kate sipped her wine, then asked, “So, you must have been in a relationship at one time. What happened?”

  “Well,” Laura began, “I was in a relationship just before things began to develop with you. But in a lot of ways, it was more an arrangement than a relationship. I wasn’t exactly heartbroken when it ended. The important relationship I had was with Alexandra.”

  Laura paused to drink some wine, then she added more ingredients to the sizzling wok.

  “Why did you break up with her?” asked Kate. “We didn’t break up,” Laura replied. “Alex was killed in an accident.” Laura was still surprised at how difficult it was to talk about this, even after all these years. She frowned.

  “Oh Laura, I’m so sorry, that’s terrible,” Kate said softly.

  “What happened?”

  Laura swallowed some more wine, and shook her head.

  “It’s a long story. It’s silly, I know, but I still find it difficult.”

  Kate immediately got off her stool and went to Laura, putting her arms around her. Laura looked into Kate’s concerned, liquid brown eyes and was once again achingly reminded of Alex. She couldn’t prevent the tears that filled her eyes, and Kate held her close.

  “You must have loved her an awful lot,” said Kate. Laura was surprised at her unexpected emotional display; there was something about Kate that always weakened her. She didn’t want to let Kate feel shut out, but there was a limit to how far she could go. “I loved her desperately, and sometimes, when I think about how she died so suddenly, it still scares me. You’d think after five years it wouldn’t worry me.” She blinked away the tears from her eyes, and kissing 107

  Kate’s cheek, she turned back to the stove.

  While Kate put bowls and chopsticks on the table, she asked, “Darling, what do you mean about still feeling scared?”

  Laura brought the food to the table, and began serving some to Kate. She shrugged. “It’s just that when you lose someone you love so suddenly, well... it’s terrifying. Your life’s shattered without warning, and…it makes you feel insecure I suppose. You become cautious.”

  Kate nodded thoughtfully. There was silence between them for a while, while Kate absorbed this information.

  “So what about you?” Laura smiled. “How come a beautiful young woman like you wasn’t snapped up long ago?”

  Kate combed her hair back from her face with her fingers. “Well, I was crazy about a girl in high school, and we got as far as kissing,” said Kate, helping herself to more noodles. “We used to kiss a lot—it drove me mad, but she would never go any further. I never could work out if she was just too scared, or whether she didn’t feel the way I did. Anyway, later I tried to get interested in boys. In my first year at art college, I went out for a little while with a guy and had sex with him of course, but all the while, I was desperately attracted to one of my lecturers, a bit obsessed really. A woman of course.”

  Laura poured them both more wine, “So, you began to get the idea you must be a lesbian,” she said with a grin. Kate laughed. “Yes, I was around twenty, and there was no denying it. Fortunately, I met a group of dykes and I gravitated to them, and the rest is history”

  “So, do your friends know now, that you’re no longer a dyke-virgin?” Laura teased.

  Kate nodded, grinning, “Yes, I had to tell them, I was so 108

  proud of you.”

  Laura gazed at Kate and admired, not for the first time, her openness and generosity. She wasn’t actually naive, just totally guileless. Laura began to collect up the empty plates to take into the kitchen.

  Kate stood up to help her, and in a serious tone asked,

  “Laura, it didn’t bother you, did it, that you were the first?”

  Laura stopped what she was doing and just looked at her. “I mean,” Kate continued, “I know it would’ve been better from your point of view if I’d been experienced. I’d hate for you to feel some terrible responsibility or anything like that.”

  Laura was speechless. She put down the plates, went to Kate and put her arms around her. She kissed Kate tenderly on the mouth. “It most definitely didn’t bother me, baby, and believe me, it couldn’t have been better.” She shook her head incredulously and smiled. “What an amazing thing for you to think. How could I feel anything but utterly flattered?” Releasing Kate, she added, “Come on, let’s clean up this mess, and see if we can find a movie to watch.”

  When they went upstairs to bed, they made love with a heightened sensitivity for each other. They’d shared more of themselves in their conversation that evening, and Laura felt an even greater tenderness for Kate than she had before. Her sweetness, sincerity and warmth were getting under Laura’s skin, into her blood.

  For the first time, Kate took all the initiative, and Laura, helplessly, had given up all control, yielding completely to Kate’s intensity and passion. Afterwards, Laura lay in Kate’s arms, her face moist with a trace of tears, her body still trembling.

  Kate kissed Laura’s forehead gently. “Laura,” she 109

  whispered. “I’m in love with you.”

  Laura closed her eyes against the tears that threatened to overwhelm her, and with difficulty stifled the sobs that rose to her throat. With her heart pounding in a confusion of happiness and trepidation, she replied in a barely audible whisper, “I now, baby, I know.”

  They spent Thursday night together too, as originally scheduled, and made further plans to spend most of the weekend together. Laura had already arranged to have a dinner party at her place for a group of friends on Friday. She thought seriously about inviting Kate along too. One of the little things Laura disliked about being single was the aftermath of dinner parties. It used to be so nice to sit down after everyone left and share a coffee with someone else discussing the events of the evening, then clean up together before going to bed. It was more fun. But she had to fight her inclination to share everything with Kate. She needed to maintain her independence, and certainly not appear as a couple. Laura was grateful when Friday night arrived. It had been a busy week at work, and spending two nights with Kate, and getting little sleep, had increased her fatigue. Not that she was complaining. She was looking forward to dinner.

  110

  Chapter Ten

  It was a cold and windy night, and heavy rain pelted against Laura’s balcony doors. It was warm and cozy inside Laura’s apartment, and her friends were all seated at the dining table, in the soft light of a few lamps and candles on the sideboard. Earthy, sensual jazz blues could just be heard, under the lively conversation of the group. Laura was setting down a platter of bruschetta on the table, while Jude opened a bottle of red wine, when Megan asked, “Are you still seeing Kelly Johannson, Laura?”

  Jude sighed loudly, and raised her eyes to heaven.

  “Yes…very casually.” Laura glanced at Jude and smiled at her predictable reaction to the mention of Kelly’s name.

  “It’s been a few months now hasn’t it, since you began seeing her?” asked Sue. “That’s quite an innings for Kelly, 111

  from what I’ve heard.”

  “Well I don’t blame you,” said Vicki. “I’ve always thought that Kelly was attractive.”

  Her partner Megan scowled. “I’d better watch out, I think, you’re just Kelly’s type!” They all laughed at Megan’s feigned concern, as Megan and Vicki were devoted to each other.

  Just then Jude dropped her knife onto her plate, and at the sound of the loud clatter, they all turned and looked at her. She was looking rather tight-lipped and sullen.

  “What’s the matte
r, Jude?” asked Kaye.

  There was a moment’s silence, then Laura answered for her, “Jude’s shitty with me about this whole Kelly thing, that’s all. She thinks I’m doing the wrong thing.”

  “Why, Jude? What’s the problem?” asked Vicki.

  Jude remained silent and looked at Laura, obviously expecting her to tell the whole story.

  Laura sighed in resignation. “Well, apart from Jude’s unreasonable contempt for Kelly,” she said with a glare at Jude, “there’s another side to the story.” Laura was suddenly relieved that she hadn’t invited Kate tonight. She was rather glad of the opportunity to get her friends’ opinions about the situation with Kate. She was sure they’d agree with her decision to keep a tight rein on things. While the rest of them crunched into their tomato and basil bruschetta, Laura told them about Kate.

  They listened attentively, then Kaye asked, “I’m confused. How does Kelly fit into all of this?”

  “Well, I’m still seeing her because I don’t want to get too involved with Kate,” Laura answered as casually as she could.

  “Jesus! You must be exhausted!” Sue exclaimed. 112

  This was followed by a loud groan from Jude and giggles from the others. Laura then got up from the table and went into the kitchen to add cream to the mushroom sauce. Being open-plan, the living and dining areas were in Laura’s full view, and while she stirred the sauce, the conversation continued.

  “You should see them together for Christ’s sake,” said Jude. “They look like they’re both madly in love to me.”

  Laura snapped, “Oh come on, Jude, you’re making a lot of assumptions here.”

  “Okay, you tell me that Kate isn’t in love with you,” she challenged. Laura looked away, and declined to answer. Megan seemed puzzled. “Why are you trying to stop yourself becoming involved with her, Laura?”

  Laura gave the other sauce, Amatriciana, a final stir and tasted it for chili. Satisfied, she began spooning it over a big plate of steaming fettuccine. Vicki was on the other side of the bench, cutting up crusty bread. “Because, Megan, she’s so young, and because I’m her first real lover, and because it wouldn’t have a hope of lasting. If I let things develop, there’d be no half measures for me with Kate, and I don’t want to invest my heart and soul in a relationship that I believe is doomed to fail.”