Silence

by Jaye Cox

“I’m always up for anything,” he replies.

  “My kinda answer,” I say as Mickki walks back into the room. We go through everything that happened between Alex and me, from our first meeting to our poker game, the few times we’ve been alone together, and the night she tried to seduce me and it backfired on her. Damien retells his side of that night also. Derek says it sounds like we have a pretty easy case and she must want something from me, because they see this often with musicians and actors. He says he’ll go and update his boss, make a few calls, and update us later. What could she possibly want from me? She really isn’t ugly, so this can’t just be about the sex; from what I saw in Oliver’s office, she’s getting some.

  “What do you think she wants from you?” Mickki asks after Derek leaves.

  “Look at me, what wouldn’t she want?” I say, but he doesn’t find my answer amusing. “Honestly, what could she really be after when I know she’s screwing Oliver. Maybe it’s about getting his sympathy and nothing to do with me.”

  “We’ll have to wait and see, I suppose,” he says.

  “I have to get back to the hospital. I’ll catch you later. We still on for the session later tonight?”

  “Sure are; we need to talk as a band, and see what this means for us.”

  “Ok, will see ya tonight then,” I say, pulling him into a hug. “Love you, Bro.”

  “Love you too. Now, go back to that woman before she realises she’s too good for you,” he says and I give him the finger. Damien follows me out to the car, the sun is starting to set, I didn’t realise how long I’d been dealing with all this Alex drama. Shit, I forgot about the girls at my house, I fly them in and ditch them. Damien assures me they’re fine and making themselves at home at my house. So, that’s something else I need to deal with when I finish visiting Callie.

  On the way to the hospital, I put in a call for some decent coffee and some pastries to be delivered. I’m sure Callie hasn’t eaten a thing, and the coffee there sucks. When we arrive, there’s still a few slimy reporters hanging around. Damien’s team of men meet us at the doors and escort me up. Beau’s room is empty when we arrive, he opens his eyes as I shut the door.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” I say, taking a seat beside his bed.

  “I was awake; I’m just glad mum and Jaynie have gone for a walk. I love them, but I needed a break from them,” he says.

  “I get that, they’re just worried about you. Shit, I was worried after your call and flew back to make sure everything was okay.”

  “You really flew back? She loves you, you know?”

  “I love her, she’s something special,” I say, smiling. I feel like a teenage boy with a crush, it’s ridiculous.

  “Can you promise me something?” he asks sincerely.

  “Depends what it is, I don’t like making promises. I don’t have a good track record with following through.”

  “I need you to promise to make an honest woman of her, she deserves a good life.”

  “I…”

  “Let me finish. Love her, put her first, and tell my little sister how much I would have loved to be around while she grows up, but I’ll always be watching her and will always love her.”

  “I…you…you’re okay Beau. I think you’re jumping the gun, unless you’re still planning to, well, you know,” I say, concerned that maybe the kid has some mental health issues going on that I don’t know about.

  “Eddie, I’m not crazy. I’ve known for as long as I can remember that I would die before I turn eighteen. I don’t know how I know, or why, but I do and the only person who believes me is Jaynie. My dad and his doctor think I have bipolar or schizophrenia, and I hid it from mum because she’ll blame herself. But the moment she told me she met you, everything started falling into place and I’ve accepted it. Yes, yesterday I had a moment where I wanted to end it, just to make it easier, but at least promise me you’ll care about her enough to put her feelings first; she’s had a rough life and deserves nothing but the best.”

  “I’m kinda freaking out to be honest,” I say.

  “I don’t blame you, but everything will make sense soon enough. I have something I want you to put away for her. There’s an envelope in my bag over there, with mum written on it, can you just make sure she gets it after I’m gone.”

  “Sure, and as much as all this sounds crazy, I promise to always put her first and make sure she’s looked after,” I say, going to his bag and retrieving the envelope. I fold it and shove it in my jacket pocket.

  “You’re not a bad person, Eddie, just misunderstood.”

  “Thanks kid,” I say as the door slowly opens and Callie walks in.

  “You’re back,” she says.

  “I told you I’d be back.”

  “How was your meeting?” she asks, but now isn’t the time to fill her in on all the crazy shit Alex is saying.

  “It didn’t go as planned, but it’s being fixed,” I say.

  “What have you two been up to while I wasn’t here?” she asks.

  “Just bonding with my new daddy,” Beau says, being cheeky.

  “Kid, I don’t know if you’re cool enough to be my kid,” I laugh.

  We spend the next few hours chatting, his girlfriend joined us not long after Callie got back, and she’s a pretty cool chick. I can’t get what Beau said out of my brain. I watch the way Callie is with him and hope he’s just a little crazy. How could it be possible to know when you’ll die. I kind of expected to die young from the drug abuse, but that isn’t the same. I must have lost track of time until Damien comes in and lets me know I need to get home. I tell Callie to call me if she needs anything, and the same for Beau and Jaynie, who was a little excited to have a rock star’s phone number in her phone. I made her promise not to write it on any bathroom walls before I leave.

  I keep checking my phone to make sure she hasn’t called me; I can’t get what Beau said out of my head. The guys are putting up with me not mentally being with it, the girls are a little in awe of the whole process. I made them play a few songs for everyone, and Mickki said he’ll see if he can talk with Oliver about getting them to open for us in the future, which lead to lots of screaming. Speak of the devil and he arrives, Oliver walks through the door and we all stop talking and look at him. I don’t blame him for taking her side, but it would have been nice not to be ambushed considering we’re his biggest clients. I hear the girls talking among themselves, Mickki stands to greet Oliver and I just eyeball him. This must be when the other shoe drops, or whatever that stupid saying is.

  “So, to what do we owe the pleasure?” I ask.

  “We need to talk, in private,” he says, looking at the girls. They stand and go to leave the room, Shan stops by my side.

  “We’ve got your back,” she says, touching my shoulder. Once they leave, Oliver turns back to me.

  “I’ve spoken with my father, and he wants this problem to go away as quickly and easily as possible.”

  “Easy, fire the bitch and we can go back to your deal to let me out. I’m replaceable.”

  “I can’t do that Eddie, that’s a law suit we don’t need; and about your contract, my father thinks with the current situation you need to honour your contract.”

  “This is bullshit and you know it!” I shout and start pacing the room.

  “I think what my brother’s saying is, if he has to honour his contract then that means I have to honour mine, and when our contracts are up we’re all out. I agreed with Eddie that I’d stay if he could leave, because I can see why he wants to leave,” Mickki says. We’d talked earlier today and all of us were in agreement on what we’d do if this were to happen; Benny was spot on when he predicted this.

  “That fucking slut, she knew this would happen; she played us all,” I say, kicking the chair in front of me. “I can’t do this, I need out. One more tour will kill my chance with Callie; the drugs and temptation, I’m not ready for that.”

  “It’s out of my hands now, I’m sorry,” Ol
iver says.

  “Well, thanks for nothing. I hope your father knows he’s lost us after the next tour. Oh, and tell him we have a new opening act for the tour that is non-negotiable, or this rock star may cause so much bad press that he’ll want to drop me,” I say.

  “I hope we don’t, but like I said it’s out of my hands. Can I at least hear the girls play before I take up that fight with my father?”

  We get the girls back into the room and ask them to do their thing. They manage to get Oliver involved. Half-way through their second song, I feel vibrations from my pocket; retrieving my mobile, I see it’s Callie calling.

  “Hey, beautiful woman.”

  “He…he,” she sobs.

  “He what, Callie? What’s happened?” I ask.

  “He was fine one minute and we were talking, then the next thing I know his eyes went weird and the machines started going crazy, and the doctors kicked me out. He was fine.”

  “I’m coming…DAMIEN! Just wait for a doctor to come see you and I’ll be there. Stay on the phone with me while you wait, okay?” She doesn’t answer me, but I know she’s still there, I can hear her sobs. My heart hurts for her and a feeling of dread washes over me; Beau’s words ring through my brain once again. Maybe the kid was right, but I hope he’s wrong; I don’t think she can handle this right now. She may act tough, but I know she isn’t on the inside; she’s just as scared and broken as I am.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Callie

  They say that before you die, your life flashes before your eyes, but what about that feeling you get when it’s your child? Then what if it’s a child you’ve missed out on so much with because you couldn’t get your life on track? Sliding down the wall facing his room, which the doctors made me leave, I’m holding the phone to my ear as I watch the door, hoping and praying he’s okay. What if he isn’t okay? “What if he isn’t okay, Eddie…I can’t breathe…”

  “Just breathe, listen to the sound of my voice, I will be there soon,” he reassures me. I breathe in slowly as I listen to his voice. “Do you know the Counting Crows?” I can’t answer, the words refuse to form and my throat feels like it’s closed over. He must understand and softly starts singing Mr Jones. He keeps singing and my breathing evens out. I’m not sure how many songs he sings before he’s standing in front of me, it’s hard to miss his boots. He doesn’t speak, he just sits down beside me, takes my phone, and pulls me into his body. I want to believe my body and the way it feels in his arms, all my fears just melt away until my brain catches up and reminds me why we are here sitting like this. Dane comes at some point and I hear the vibrations from Eddie’s chest as he talks, but the words are lost to me. My body hurts, my addiction trying to claw its way through my skin, it’s not a feeling you would know unless you’ve ever been addicted to something. Almost as if it’s crawling through my veins. Tick, tick, tick, tick. The clock on the wall keeps ticking away, time keeps moving on, yet I feel like I’m frozen in a moment and maybe none of this is real. A doctor walks into the waiting room and asks for Dane and I to follow him to his office. This must be bad news right, where they take you to tell you in private so you don’t break down in front of everyone. Like a robot, I follow behind the men, one leg in front of the other. Step, lift, step, left.

  “Please, take a seat,” he says, gesturing towards the seats. His office is cold, almost as if he only comes here to tell people bad news.

  “Please, just tell me how my son is?” I ask and Dane takes my hand and squeezes it.

  “Beau had a blood clot in his brain and suffered a major stroke. We’ve done everything we can, but he’s on life support and awaiting further testing.” My heart sinks.

  “He’ll be okay though, right?” Dane asks and I stare at the doctor, feeling devoid of all emotions.

  “At this stage, it’s too early to tell. We have the best doctors here and we’ll give you answers as soon as we have them.”

  “No, it’s not true. He was fine, we were talking, and he can’t just be on life support. How does this happen?” I say.

  “Doc, just give it to us straight…what’s the possibilities here?” Dane asks.

  “He’s in a coma, so now we test for brain activity and go from there. We hope everything goes back to normal, he could have slight brain damage or there might be nothing more we can do. It’s too early to say. I’m sorry I haven’t been any more help.”

  “Thank you, we’ll see ourselves out.”

  I don’t remember much from the last four days, except the doctors saying he had a blood clot in his brain. Now he’s hooked up to all these tubes, and doctors have been coming and going running tests. Eddie hasn’t left my side and being in his arms is the small amount of relief my body gets. I’m grateful he’s here, because my first urge when I was told was to get a drink, that just one would make it all disappear. How can everything be fine and then just turn to shit? This is all my fault, he wouldn’t be in this situation if I’d been a more stable influence in his life. I look at Eddie, his head resting on my shoulder, and tuck his hair behind his ear; even when he sleeps his monsters show on his face.

  “Sorry,” he says, sitting up.

  “Don’t be, you should go and get some sleep. I’ll still be here when you get back.”

  “I won’t be going anywhere; if you’re here, so am I. I was serious when I said I want to show you how serious I am about being a better man, a man you deserve.”

  “You are a good man, I’m lucky to have you. Not many men would stick around, especially famous rock stars,” I say, trying to lighten the mood a little.

  “I’m famous?” he says. “Shit, does anyone else know?” He looks around the room. I slap him in the chest and he laughs at me, even though he smiles, it doesn’t mask the pain. We both know it.

  “What will I do if he doesn’t wake up? I don’t know if I can come back from that.”

  “I’ll find a way to hold your head above the water, I promise,” he says and I know he’s being sincere, but I don’t know if he could do that.

  “Callie, Beau’s doctor is here to talk to us,” Dane says, walking into the room. He’s followed by the doctor, who closes the door behind himself.

  “I’ll wait outside,” Eddie says, standing from the seat beside me.

  “Stay, please?” I say, pulling his arm down so he sits again.

  “As you know, we’ve run numerous tests and had doctors here to give second opinions,” the doctor says.

  “Second opinions?” I ask.

  “Yes, Mr Diamond requested we get the best in for another opinion on our findings before we spoke to you. He ran it past Mr Hart first.”

  “You did that for us?” I ask Eddie.

  “I would do anything for you and I didn’t want Beau to have to wait for the best care. I don’t mean this to brag, but I have money and would spend it all right now to get you answers,” he says.

  “Their findings were the same as ours, and I’m truly sorry, but he has no brain activity….” Everything goes blurry and my throat closes over, I can’t listen to this… Running from the room, I need air. I don’t know how I found my way out, but even the fresh air doesn’t help me catch my breath.

  “Why him? Why not me? Surely I’ve done enough bad things in my life that you’d take me first!” I yell, looking to the sky. I’m not religious, but why not me. Twice I’ve defied death, twice.

  “Callie,” Eddie says, touching my shoulder.

  “Why didn’t he take me?” I sob.

  “I don’t know, I wish I had some answers for you,” he says, taking me in his arms and squeezing me as I cry.

  “They have to be wrong, he’s still in there somewhere.”

  “I had the best flown in; the doctor says all that you can do now is say goodbye.”

  “I don’t want to say goodbye, I can’t say goodbye.”

  How do you say goodbye to someone who can’t say it back? How do you say goodbye to your baby forever? It’s not ‘goodbye, I’ll see you in a few d
ays,’ this is permanent. Eddie walks with me back up to Beau’s room. Dane is crying and Jaynie is just blank, expressionless. I stand beside Beau’s bed and look at him, he looks like he’s sleeping. I close my eyes tight and take a deep breath in; maybe, just maybe, if I try hard enough I’ll wake up from this horrible dream. When I slowly open them, he’s still there. “What happens now?” I ask Dane.

  “When we’re ready they will take him.”

  “Take him? Where will they take him?” I ask.

  “To donate his organs,” Jaynie says. “Beau’s had it all planned for a while, he recorded his wishes for you both,” she says, taking a laptop from her backpack. “You can watch it when you’re ready.”

  “His wishes, what wishes?” I ask. I feel like I’ve been left in the dark and I’m lost.

  “He’s always been set on the fact that he would die. A few months ago, he started acting really weird. As you know, he had tests done and when he came back healthy he knew he’d be gone suddenly. He has all his funeral plans done, his wishes to donate his organs—everything is in the video,” she says. That’s when I realise she was the only one who believed him, she isn’t freaking out like Dane and I because she’s had time to come to terms with it.

  “I want to see it now,” I say.

  “Are you sure?” Dane asks. I can see the worry in his face, he knows it and so do I. Without Beau, I won’t survive this. He lived through my downfall and I can see the relief in his eyes that this time he doesn’t have be in the crossfire. I don’t blame him. Jaynie sets up the laptop and Beau’s face appears on the screen.

  “Hi Mum, Dad. I know that if you’re watching this, I’m dead.”

  “Beau, say it a nicer way, your passing isn’t a joke,” Jaynie chastises him in the background of the video.

  “Sorry, I’ve passed away. How do I even start to explain? I know everyone thought I was crazy, but I want to make sure everyone knows my wishes. I have all my funeral details done and I’ve kept it all low cost, I don’t want anything fancy. If you speak to Lawn at the funeral home out of town, Jaynie can explain why I want to use them, he knows what I want. That way, in your time of grief, I hope you’re grieving me.”