Silence

by Jaye Cox

  “Beau, stop it,” Jaynie says again from behind the camera.

  “Sorry Mum. I’d like my organs donated as soon as I pass, I don’t want to be left hooked up to machines. So, if the doctors tell you I’m gone, please know that is what I want. I want people to have life because of me, a gift to another mother that her child gets to live.”

  “Turn it off,” I sob and Jaynie closes the laptop. How can this be fair? Call me selfish, but he’s MY baby and I don’t want to let him go. I feel bad for those other parents, but he is mine and I can be selfish. I walk over to Beau and hold his lifeless hand. I squeeze it, praying for him to squeeze back. “Please Beau, please squeeze,” I whisper into his ear. “I can’t let you go, not now. I need to tell you I love you, how proud I am to be your mum…please,” I cry into his ear. Eddie puts his hand on my shoulder.

  “I’m so sorry Callie. Dane and Jaynie have gone for a walk to give you some privacy, I’ll wait outside until you need me,” he says.

  “Don’t leave me, I can’t have anyone else leave me right now,” I say, he knows why I need him to stay. He doesn’t say anything, he just sits in the big chair beside Beau’s machines as I slip into the bed beside him and hug my boy. This will be the last time I get to hold him, the last time I can stroke his head or kiss his forehead like I did when he was little. For a split second I’m angry, why my son when there are so many bad people in the world who deserve this fate, and I’m jealous that a mother gets to take her child home because my son gave them their life back, and that makes me feel terrible. Am I allowed to feel those emotions? I look over at Eddie and watch the way he looks at me, he doesn’t just look at the Callie everyone else sees, he looks right through my exterior and I feel understood; as weird as it seems, I feel like he can communicate with me with just a look. The comfort I see in his eyes, gives me a small amount of strength to say goodbye. I can only do this once, and I know that when I leave this room it’s not going to be pretty. I hope Eddie is as strong as he thinks he is, because I’m afraid he’s going to see me at my worst. There’s a knock on the door and Dane slowly walks in. He tries to give a reassuring smile, but even he can’t muster the strength to pull it off.

  “Could I talk to Callie alone?” he asks and Eddie nods. I watch as he stands and walks my way, the confidence he usually radiates has left his body, his eyes are full of sadness and fear. He leans over and kisses my forehead.

  “I’ll be waiting outside,” he says and leaves Dane and I alone in the room.

  “We need to talk. I don’t want to rush you, or push this, but Beau was very passionate about donating his organs…”

  “Can’t this wait?” I say through my tears; his organs will still be there tomorrow, however he won’t be.

  “That’s the thing, a young man, not much older than Beau, needs a heart. Although the hospital can’t give me any personal details, apparently Beau made all the doctors and staff aware that this young man is to have his heart. No one knows how he knew this kid would be a match, but he is and he doesn’t have another day to live without a new heart. I want to honour his wishes.”

  I don’t know what to say. If I say no, and spend a few more hours with my son who isn’t going to wake up, another mother loses her child; but if I say yes, my child won’t be here for me to touch or hold for a few more hours. Isn’t that what everyone always says they want when a loved one dies—just a few more hours? That’s when it hits me like a freight train—how would I feel if Beau needed a heart?

  “Tell them I’m ready to say goodbye,” I say, my whisper barely audible.

  “He would be happy you’re letting him go, Cal. Beau really was the most caring and selfless person I’ve ever met besides you, it’s where he got it from.”

  “I’m far from selfless, just look at my history.”

  “That wasn’t you, that was your addiction. You really are a good person, look at what you’ve done for Mr Rock Star even though I know you didn’t want to risk your sobriety.”

  “Can you do one last thing for me?” I ask.

  “Anything.”

  “Come lay with us, just for a few minutes.” It may seem like an odd request, but I need us to say goodbye in our own way before the rest of our families come and say theirs. He manoeuvres his way onto the other side of Beau and takes my hand in his.

  “We will always be a family, we will always be his parents and no one can take that away from our hearts,” he says.

  “In life, he was our son; in death, he is someone’s saviour.” Our boy will live on in all the people his organs help, and knowing that gives me a sense of hope, that someone else will get to experience Beau’s heart because that is the best part of him.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Eddie

  Callie has put up a strong front, but I can see she’s broken, no matter how many times she tries to reassure people she’s okay given the circumstances. Given the circumstances. I never understood why people ask how you’re doing in times of tragedy. Every time someone asks her, “How she is doing?” I want to look them in the eye and shout, “How do you fucking think she is doing?” But I don’t, I stand strong and give her hand a small squeeze. I watch as Callie and Dane’s families start to gather around and take their seats, along with what looks to be all Beau’s friends. Beau wanted to be cremated and not have a traditional funeral. Jaynie asks everyone to be quiet and her voice is so shaky from nerves I ask Damien to go give her a hand. I watch as he walks over to her, places a hand on her shoulder and whispers in her ear, she nods her head. Damien whistles and gets everyone’s attention. “If everyone would please take their seats, we have a young man to pay our respects to.” he says before heading back towards Callie and I; we have now taken our seats in the front row next to Dane and his wife.

  “I’d like to thank everyone for coming. As everyone knows, Beau’s always done things his own way and he left something for you all to watch.”

  A kid I don’t know gets the video started and pictures of Beau and his family start flashing on the screen. I look over and watch Callie as she watches the video. Her eyes start to glaze over and tears roll down her cheeks, all the pain she’s been holding in has started to let loose and I really hope she can get through the funeral. When I turn my attention back to the video, it’s ended and Jaynie stands to address everyone.

  “Beau made me promise to give a great speech about him, so here goes.” Her hands tremble as she unfolds a piece of paper. “Beau-Dean, Beau and I never needed labels, bar one. He wasn’t my boyfriend, or my best friend, he was my soulmate. I know how that must sound since we are both so young, but from the first time I laid eyes on him I knew he was it for me…only he didn’t know it.” A few people laugh, obviously they know the history between the two. “He was something different to everyone, but to me he was the boy I married over and over again on the oval at lunchtime as a five-year-old. He was the sweet kid who gave me his most precious treasures, played cars with me in the dirt, and picked daisies for our weddings. Beau always bought laughter to my life, he was the little boy who set the standard that other boys had to measure up to. Little did we know, we were both just made for each other. He had this very unique laugh that made his eyes crinkle when I bagged him out over how all my girlfriends swooned over him. If I could say one more thing to him it would be, “Thank you for all the memories.” And If I had one more wish, it would be for him to see himself through my eyes, so he could truly see what he meant to me because words really can’t express that. There is one reason why everyone who knew him, loved him, he was a one in a million.” As she finishes her speech, she falls to the ground. She may only be a kid, but that was powerful, even I shed a few tears. Callie is hugged into my side, and I wish there was something I could say or do to take her pain away. We watch as his friends give speeches, and Dane and his wife say a few words.

  “Did you want to say a few words?” I whisper in her ear.

  “I can’t. I thought I was ready, but I’m not. I can’t say good
bye; I don’t want this to be it,”

  As the words come out of her mouth, I get an idea. I stand and lean over to Damien and ask him to get my guitar from the SUV; I always carry the one Amelia and Sasha gave me, it never leaves my side. Callie looks up at me, confusion on her face. “I’ve got you,” I say, kissing the top of her head. Walking to the front of the crowd, Jaynie pulls me aside and whispers a song in my ear, I nod before walking to the podium.

  I start to get nervous, I can handle a crowd of thousands upon thousands when it comes to music, but now my nerves are shot and I hope I’m doing the right thing.

  “Hi, I’m Eddie. I didn’t know Beau very well, but I know he loved his mum and she loved him. I know there must be a million things Callie could say about Beau, but she can’t find the words to do him justice. So, I want to dedicate this song from Callie to Beau. It’s a not very well-known song called Wings by Birdy. Damien walks over and hands me my guitar, all eyes are on me. I hear a few kids whispering about a rock star being at Beau’s funeral, but today I’m not a rock star, I’m the boyfriend of a grieving mother.

  After a few quick goodbyes, Callie asks me to take her to Jules’s to pick up some clothes. I don’t argue or question why; if she wants to stay with me, I’m more than fine with that. Hugged to my side, still wearing her big black sunglasses, Damien pulls into Callie sisters’ driveway behind Jules’s car; she must have left before we did. I feel Callie tense up when she realises her sister is home.

  “Would it be okay if you wait here?” she asks, removing her glasses, her eyes still red and glassy from crying.

  “Sure,” I say. She opens her door and slides from the car. I check my phone and have a missed called from my lawyer, I dismiss it for today. I won’t let Alex make Callie’s day any worse than it has to be. After five minutes, I can hear some mumbled yelling coming from the house. I look over at Damien, unsure if one of us should check, Damien just shrugs. I decided to wait a few more minutes, coming in the middle of a family fight isn’t always a good idea.

  “CALLIE STOP!” Jules yells as Callie exits the house, pulling a suitcase. Damien and I both open our doors and get out of the car. Damien takes the suitcase from her.

  “Just drop it Jules, I’ve made up my mind,” Callie says, turning back to her sister. “I can’t and won’t do this again with you. You have a baby to think about, not an emotionally unstable sister. I’m taking responsibility for myself this time.”

  “How, by moving in with an equally unstable rock star?” Jules says and turns to me. “No offence.”

  “None taken, but maybe you can give Callie a few days and then talk about it again,” I say, not meaning to intrude. Jules just places her hands on her hips and huffs.

  “It’ll be okay, I promise, I’m okay, Eddie’s okay” she says and now they’re both looking at me. “Tell her you’re okay.”

  “I’m okay,” I say, hoping I’ve said the right thing.

  “Well, that settles it then,” Jules says sarcastically before turning and storming back inside the house.

  Callie gets in the car and I follow behind her, the ride back to my house is quiet and she doesn’t say anything. I want to say something to help comfort her, but every time I open my mouth no words come out. What could I possibly say that would help her right now? As we approach my house, I sigh with relief that I asked Damien to make sure no one was here today in case Callie had wanted to come back. Shan, Misty, and Penny have flown home to pack their things, we’d made it clear to Oliver the girls will be our opening act. Delilah will be off doing whatever she does when I’m not around, and Mickki, Brodie, Benny, and Drew are working on a few things at Mickki’s place.

  I ask Damien to take Callie’s things and leave them in her living room. As we walk into the house, I ask if she wants something to eat, she just shakes her head and says she’ll go lie down for a while. Once again, I try to find some words to show her how much I care and that I’m here if she needs me, but instead I watch her walk away and out of my sight. What have I gotten myself into? She’s going to need someone better than you, you’re a disappointment.

  Chapter Twenty

  Callie

  The pain is worse than anything I’ve ever felt before in my life. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest and the life sucked from my body, and the gnawing feeling inside is screaming at me. I lie in bed as the pain takes over. At least the pain is a reminder to not let my demons take control, because if they do there will be no coming back from that. I can’t sleep, because every time I do I’m woken by screams from somewhere deep inside that scare me. Every night when he comes into my room, he must think I’m asleep. He never tries to wake me, he just gets a spare pillow and blanket from my closet and sleeps on the floor. Sometimes he sings to me softly and other times I hear him tell me everything will eventually be okay, but I hear the doubt in his voice every time he says it and that makes me think that maybe he’s trying to reassure himself. It’s been days since I’ve left my room. Delilah brings me food and leaves it on a bench in my small lounge room with a note, usually a small quote or words of wisdom. Today is no different. It says, you’ll never know your strength until being strong is the only choice you have left. The notes have been random and I usually throw them away, but today the words keep playing through my head. To me, my life ended the day Beau’s did, how do I come back from that? The world outside has moved on and people are going about their lives. Maybe that’s what I need to do, go through the motions as if my life is carrying on and I might find some kind of strength to push through each day, because each day that passes is a day closer to it being over. Finishing the meal Delilah made, I make my way to the shower. Maybe I won’t find this so-called strength today, but I can do everything in my power to make sure Eddie doesn’t lose his. I know he’s going through something personal and that he doesn’t want me to know about it or burden me with it. I also know he’s made so much progress since we met, and although he may think the worst is over, he’s only been clean for months and had next to no temptations. What does he think will happen when he goes on tour again and all the women, drugs, and drinking are thrown at him full force?

  Walking from the shower, I hit the speed dial on my phone for Olivia.

  “Hey Cal, I haven’t heard from you in a while,” she says. I know she wants to ask how I am, and it isn’t like her to beat around the bush.

  “I’m fine, Liv. Is there a meeting I can bring Eddie to today?”

  “A meeting for Eddie? Sure, bring him to the meeting at six,” she replies.

  “Thanks, and hey, we’ll catch up next week for a coffee.”

  “Sounds good, see you tonight,” she says. Picking up my watch off the dresser, I see it’s already four-thirty. I’d better make sure Eddie is home and ready to leave. Once I’m fully dressed, I make my way through the house to his studio, as I get closer I can hear Eddie and Mickki arguing about something. I knock on the door and they both turn to look at me, Eddie smiles and Mickki says they’ll continue this later before storming past me. They remind me of Jules and me when we fight.

  “What was that all about?” I ask, walking into the room to be closer to him.

  “Oh nothing, just a brotherly disagreement about some work stuff,” he says, pulling me to his body. We haven’t had sex yet, and I’m not exactly sure if we are together, but he’s been by my side through everything with Beau and I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to walk away from us. “Hey, what’s that look for?”

  “I was just thinking how amazing you have been, and that I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t want there to be an us or if that’s even possible…”

  “Let’s get one thing straight, Callie Dean. There is an US and there is nothing you could say or do that will scare me off, not even these awful clothes you insist on wearing.”

  “What is wrong with my clothes?” I protest.

  “Nothing, if you were sixty,” he says, trying not to laugh. “You have a rockin’ body under all these cloth
es.” He pulls up my shirt and I slap his hands away, tucking my shirt back into my skirt.

  “You need to get ready,” I say.

  “For what? I have no plans for tonight.”

  “We’re going to a meeting,” I say, half-expecting him to kick up a stink like he has before every other meeting. This time he doesn’t, he just says he’ll have a shower and meet me in the kitchen. He playfully slaps my ass as I walk from the room. When I turn to look at him, he just smiles and says, “I have a girlfriend and I like to slap her ass.” Then he runs away.

  I pace back and forth in the foyer waiting for Eddie, Damien stands by the wall watching me. I know Eddie’s told all his staff to keep an eye on me, but he really doesn’t need to worry, I’m not as fragile as everyone thinks I am. Am I sad? Yes. Lost? Just a bit. Worried everything could crumble around me? Maybe, but I don’t need to be babysat like a child. Being sober is important to me, but if I want to go back to how I used to be that is my decision. I won’t ever feel like I’m a burden to anyone ever again, and I need everyone to realise that.

  “Eddie!” I call out.

  “Jesus, woman, I don’t think the rest of the neighbourhood heard you,” Eddie says, walking down the stairs.

  “Well, hurry up. I hate being late and we have to make sure there are no crazies waiting for us,” I say, looking at my watch again as the seconds tick over and we get closer to being late.

  “That isn’t a nice way to refer to my fans,” he laughs and I see Damien shake his head. Both men follow behind me as I walk outside.

  I turn back to Eddie and say, “They’re all completely sane? How about the vile of blood you received? I’m sure all your fans are that dedicated to the band. Maybe we’d better stop on the way home so I can contribute to the satanic rituals…” I’m cut off by Eddie pulling me into his arms and his lips crushing against mine; I instantly forget about whatever smart comment I was about to say.