Silence

by Jaye Cox

  “Going to be late,” Damien coughs under his breath.

  I pull from Eddies embrace and get into the back of the SUV.

  “Don’t be jealous, Shan will be back in a few days,” Eddie says to Damien as they both slide into their seats.

  “There isn’t anything going on with Shan and me,” Damien replies, but Eddie continues to taunt him. When we arrive at the NA meeting there aren’t any crazy fans or cameras flashing in our faces. I haven’t picked up a paper since Beau died, I didn’t want to see what ridiculous headlines they’d come up with. I’m sure they dug up my past and could just imagine it now – ‘Eddie Diamond and Callie Dean the next Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love’ or some reason linking Beau dying to my past with drugs.

  Olivia is standing in front of a small group as we walk in; Damien waits outside and gives us some privacy. Olivia welcomes everyone and goes through all the usual things, today she asks Eddie to start and I know the poor guy doesn’t like being put on the spot. Eddie stands without hesitation, which is unusual since he normally tries to avoid talking.

  “Um…I’m Eddie. I know I should keep track of how long I’ve been sober, but so much has happened I’ve lost track. I have an amazing woman in my life who gets me; I don’t have to explain how I’m feeling, she just knows. We’ve suffered a personal loss and now I don’t know how to fully support her sobriety. I worry that if I mess up while she’s at her weakest that I’ll drag her down with me, so I suppose that’s made me feel stronger. I’m the man and I need to be strong for us both.” Eddie pauses and I look up at him with tears in my eyes; I didn’t know he felt this way and I love him so much more for it. “When we first met, she thought together we’d be toxic for each other, but I hope that together, even with double the temptation and demons, we can conquer them together as a team. So, you could say I don’t add the days together and keep track of how many days it’s been, I just see tomorrow as another day to prove I can be the man she deserves, because she’s more important to me than she even knows or will ever give herself credit for.” As he finishes and takes his seat beside me, I slip my hand in his and lean into his side. My heart hurts for him that he feels like he has to stay strong for me, yet he doesn’t realise it’s me who needs to be strong for him, because he’s never seen me at my worst and I would be the one dragging him down. I’m not sure he would still feel the same about me if he knew half of my past and maybe now is as good a time as any to let him see me. Olivia asks if anyone else would like to share, I raise my hand and stand.

  “Hi. My name is Callie and I’ve been sober for just over five years and four months, and it would have been about this time that I received the news that my niece had died; I know that was the defining moment that made me realise I needed to be sober. Causing my brother’s death because I was an addict wasn’t enough to get me sober - it made me try to commit suicide, having my son taken from me because my addiction became real to his father wasn’t enough, but I decided that day to get help. I didn’t even know where to look for help but, call it fate or coincidence, that was also the day I met Olivia and it’s never been easy, I fight an uphill battle every day. Every morning, when I force myself to shower, I avoid seeing myself naked because the scars are reminders of a life where I hated myself so much. I always wondered why I was such an awful person—abandoning my child, lashing out at my sister when all she wanted to do was help, sleeping with my husband’s best friend—I’ve done so many hurtful things that I can’t take back or ever begin to make up for. The only thing that kept me sober from that day was seeing the love in my son’s eyes that next day when I went to see him before starting my journey to get my life back on track. Beau was taken from me again last week and I wish it was by his father because I relapsed, because at least I’d know he was still here. But he isn’t and I’ve found myself questioning the reasons I should stay sober. There’s a lady that barely knows me and she’s sent me notes every day. One of them said ‘we never know the strength inside ourselves until we have to be strong’ and that’s what I’ve decided to do every day, just find the strength to get me through the day. Right now, that’s the tiny life line I have holding me together.”

  I look at Eddie, expecting him to run or see the pity that everyone else has when they hear my story, but I can’t read him, I don’t know what he is thinking. After we say our goodbyes to Olivia and we’re back in the car, I’m glad today is almost over.

  “Thank you for sharing your story,” Eddie says.

  “I was worried that if I showed you my weakness you’d want to run away as fast as you could.”

  “Callie, there’s nothing you could do that could scare me away. If anyone should be worried it’s me, because my demons are enough to scare myself away.”

  “Don’t we just make the perfect couple?” I say.

  “I think so, we’re both just fucked up enough to complement each other,” he says. We don’t speak for the rest of the way back to the house. He has to drop me off and go meet up with Mickki; they’ve been acting strange around each other lately. I thought maybe it was because of me, or Mickki being wary since Eddie didn’t deal with Amelia’s death well and maybe Beau had brought up memories, but I get the feeling it’s something really serious and I don’t know if I should ask or wait until he wants to tell me.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Eddie

  Callie is scaring me, I expected a break down, I expected a wreck. Maybe that’s the issue, I’d expected her to react like I would. After Beau’s funeral she moved back into her room at my house, she didn’t want her sister looking over her shoulder like she was a fragile little girl. But she’s acting as if nothing ever happened. The first time she wanted to go to a meeting I went because I thought it was more for her, she opened up about her past and it made me realise we’re not so different after all, we both hold the same fears and the daily struggle is okay because I have her. I never mentioned it, and neither did Olivia, that I’d been going to meetings on my own. Before a meeting last week, I told her I’m concerned about her and that maybe she should go to a meeting for herself because I know she’d only been going along with me; that obviously lead to a fight. I totally avoided her for a couple days after that, because the woman is scary when she’s angry and I didn’t want to be me and mess things up. Mickki and the guys have been coming here to work on the new album so we can be free of our contract. We’ve been doing this for almost half our lives, and we can all just walk away; besides Mickki, he’s said he may consider a solo career.

  I have an early meeting today with my solicitors, they need some more information. We decided to see what can be done in case Alex does decide to take this public, we need to be a few steps ahead of her. When I get in the car with Marcus, he’s acting strange, he’s been acting weird all morning and I can’t get hold of Damien because he’s picking the girls up from the airport and getting them settled into their new place. This is also so he can spend some alone time with Shan, he won’t admit it, but they hit it off and he’s head over heels for her.

  “I need to make a quick stop, there’s a florist on the corner of Eldsons Street.”

  “Are you sure, I can call someone to get you flowers,” he says.

  “Just take me to the florist, I want to order my girl some flowers so I can stop hiding from her.”

  “She isn’t even mad at you,” he says.

  “That’s what you think. She told you she wasn’t pissed and she wants you to tell me that. I’ve had Delilah and Jules keep me updated, and she’s still pissed.”

  Marcus pulls over to the curb and follows me from the car. As we make our way into the florist, and I’m thinking there’s nothing nicer than the smell of fresh flowers, my phone starts playing. I’d changed my ringtone to the music for the next song I’ve started writing, I like hearing it for inspiration. I see Sasha’s name flashing on the screen and send the call to voice mail, I’ll call her back after my meeting. The shop assistant looks up from her gossip magazine and gasps, as
she looks at me and back to the magazine, Marcus tells me to go pick some flowers. Just as I start to move away I realise I don’t know anything about flowers, turning back around I see Marcus whispering with the lady behind the counter. When I see my face on the front of her trashy gossip magazine it hits me, Marcus has been weird today because he’s hiding something from me, and for that matter I haven’t had my phone blowing up from Mickki reminding me what time I had to be at the solicitor’s office. Marcus is the best in his field and it surprises me that he didn’t see me sneak up behind him and snatch the magazine from his hands. He tries to snatch it back and tells me I really shouldn’t look at it, but I need to know. The cover has a picture of me and one of Alex. MANAGER SPEAKS OUT AGAINST SEXUAL HARRASSMENT. Where there’s one headline there’ll be plenty more, I run from the florist and across the road to the newsagency. Every shelf has magazines with my face on them. As I start grabbing them off the shelves, a young shop assistant tries to approach me.

  “Sorry sir, you can’t…Oh, um, it’s you,” she says, realising it’s my face on the covers.

  “I’ll take them all,” I say and she just nods. Marcus is trying to keep the few people who’ve caught on from taking pictures and videos. As the girl starts scanning and bagging the magazines, I notice the crowd has grown and my security has tripled. Marcus pulls me from the counter and says someone will take care of it for me.

  “Call Delilah and make sure she keeps Callie inside the house until I get back!” I shout at Marcus as we try to exit the store.

  “Already taken care of Eddie, Jules is paying her a visit.”

  “Good, take me to Mickki,” I say hitting the speed dial for his number on my phone.

  “Eddie?” Mickki says answering my call.

  “Don’t ‘Eddie’ me. Tell me you didn’t know about this, because I’m struggling to grasp how you’ve been on me about this and you said she couldn’t go to the papers and that we had time.”

  “Just calm down, please, this isn’t a bad thing,” he says.

  “Not a bad thing?” I scoff. “How is my girlfriend, who’s grieving her son, finding out her boyfriend has been accused of sexually harassing his manger a good thing?” I shout and end the call. How could he even think, for one second, that this is a good thing? I’m screwed.

  I barely wait for the car to stop before stepping out in front of Brindley, Carlyle and Associates. Storming into the office the receptionist doesn’t get a chance to greet me, I walk my way through to Brindley’s office. “Who’s responsible for this?” I throw the magazine on the table, scattering loose pens and some papers across the table. “Be wise about how you answer, otherwise I’ll be in tomorrow’s paper for a lot worse than sexual harassment.”

  “Stop being so overdramatic, go home and explain everything to Callie before she gets to see any of this. She’s a smart woman, so I highly doubt she’ll believe anything she reads,” Mickki says.

  “So, what now then?” I ask. “Do you have a plan? Because I sure as shit pay you enough to at least give me something.”

  “Actually, we did…” Derek says, but stops abruptly when Mickki looks at him.

  “Tell me, for fuck’s sake, I have a right to know.”

  “We found an out, but it isn’t a good one,” Derek says.

  “An out?” I question.

  “You signed an agreement of sorts when you agreed, or reluctantly agreed, to get sober,” Mickki says and I do vaguely remember signing something I didn’t read. “It basically said that if you fucked up one more time the label would have no choice but to drop you. But the sexual harassment wasn’t put to the press until now, and…”

  “And if I relapsed I could get out of the contract,” I say, finishing Mickki’s sentence.

  “Pretty much, but now this is out in the open we have room to negotiate with Fontaine Records. We have our team going over your contracts again, and Alex’s, and we’ll be meeting with their team of solicitors.”

  “So, Eddie that means no doing anything fucking stupid until they meet with Fontaine Records,” Mickki says in his condescending tone, like I’m a child. My phone starts vibrating in my pocket again.

  “What?” I snap down the line, not even bothering to see who’s calling.

  “Callie’s gone,” Delilah says, sounding panicked.

  “She’s gone where?”

  “We don’t know. I only went to make her some food and when Jules turned up she was already gone,” she says.

  “Maybe she just went to the shops” fuck. She will see all the magazines. “FUCK!”

  “There’s something else that Jules told me and it’s not good.”

  “You’re scaring me,” I say and the room falls silent, all eyes on me.

  “It’s Beau’s birthday today. I didn’t know and Jules has gone to see if she can find her in any of the usual places she goes.”

  “Make sure you tell everyone to go look for her, and I mean everyone. If I get back and anyone is there, they’ll be fired.” I end the call and look up at Mickki. “We have to go.” I don’t need to tell him any details, he heard enough to understand. Marcus is already on the phone, maybe we’re overreacting, but I know I can’t take any chances; she’ll hate herself if she relapses.

  I make a quick call to Sasha and learn that she was only calling to tell me to keep an eye on Callie today since its Beau’s birthday.

  **

  Pulling up at Jules’s house I feel useless; we’ve been looking all day and haven’t been able to find her. Everyone is gathered outside, all we can do is wait. Her phone is switched off. I know it isn’t flat because she’s so anal about charging it. I made Jules go inside and lie down, her husband said he’d make sure she rested. I look around in awe at the amount of support Callie has. Olivia, her sponsor, and a few regular NA friends are gathered around a small beat up car; Damien, Shan, and the other girls are talking with Marcus; and Delilah is handing out sandwiches. Dane and his wife pull up at the curb behind my SUV.

  “Thanks for coming,” I say, shaking his hand.

  “We care about her and want to help. I called Sasha and we’ve put together a list of the places she used to go when she wasn’t sober,” he says, handing me a piece of paper.

  I call everyone over and we share out the pubs, clubs, and other addresses. I make Delilah go home in case Callie turns up there. Once we’ve split the list between us, we leave, agreeing to meet back here if we can’t find her. Marcus and I have some small pub on the other side of town. Staring out the car window as we drive through the area, the houses are smaller and the area may not be the best, but I feel jealous of them, I wish I had a normal life. People always say they want fame and fortune, but it really isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. What good is all my money when I can’t find her and help her. Maybe other people don’t wish for it, and it was only me, but if I look back on my life there are very few times I’ve ever been truly happy. One being when we first started the band and we’d rehearse in Benny’s garage, we thought we were so badass and had a blast. The second time was when I met Sasha and Amelia. The third time has been since I met Callie. None of those happy times came from having money. It’s amazing how you start to see things differently when you’re happy. The constant travelling, the shows, the women, the parties…none of it appeals to me anymore, all I want is a happy life with my woman and my close friends. I really just want to find Callie so she knows I love her, and that I’m here for her no matter what. Marcus lets me know we’re here, I look around as I step out of the car. The bar’s only small and all the adjoining shops are closed and the streets seem empty, the sound of a live band comes from inside. Making my way through the doors, I scan the room and she doesn’t seem to be here. As I’m approaching the bar, a lady in her mid-forties with bleached blonde hair, and wearing a really tight white singlet and a leather mini skirt, smiles at me seductively.

  “What can I get for you, handsome?” she asks, leaning on the bar, enough so that her breasts hang from her shirt. />
  “I’m looking for my girlfriend,” I say, pulling out a recent photo of Callie that Jules gave me.

  “Oh, you’re Eddie. Cal was here,” she tells me.

  “Where did she go?” Marcus asks and she turns her attention towards him.

  “She was really drunk and we called her a cab. She mentioned it was her son’s birthday and she wanted to see him.”

  “Her son’s dead,” I snap and her face drops, maybe she isn’t as fake as her tits.

  “I’m sorry, she didn’t mention anything about him besides it being his birthday.”

  “Thanks for your help.” Marcus is already on the phone to the taxi company.

  “Eddie, we need to leave, they dropped her close to your house. She made a scene and they kicked her out on the side of the road.”

  We race towards the car. When I find out who kicked her out I’ll have them fired, don’t they have a duty of care? Who am I kidding, it’s Callie and she’s damn scary. I get Delilah on the phone and ask if she’s seen Callie yet, she says she checked the house as soon as she got in but she wasn’t there. I ask her to go double check Beau’s room and to call me back if she finds her. Every second of the drive back to my house has felt like an hour, there’s no sign of her where the taxi company said they dropped her. As we pull up to the house, I jump out of the car before Marcus has even parked. Delilah is standing at the door, I’m almost afraid to look at her but as I do I see the sadness in her eyes and she shakes her head; I have to look for myself, maybe she’s hiding.

  “Callie!” I yell, running through the kitchen. I make my way to my studio, and out into the pool room. My heart beats faster as I approach her side of the house. I’m nervous…what if she isn’t here? But, what if she is, what mental state will she be in? Am I really ready to do this? Taking a deep breath, I walk through her living room. “Callie?” I say, opening her bedroom door. I walk in and notice a picture of Beau on the floor. Picking it up, I set it back up on her dresser.