Silence

by Jaye Cox

  Where are you Callie?

  “I’ve found Callie!” Marcus calls.

  “Where?”

  “She’s outside in her old car,” he says.

  “Thank god,” I sigh.

  “Are you sure you can handle this? She looks like she’s in really bad shape.” I can understand his concern for me, he’s been with us for ten years now.

  “Even if I can’t handle it, I have to try. She’s my rock and I love her.” I assure him; he nods and I leave him standing there.

  I thought I was nervous before, but as I make out a body sitting in the car, my hands start to sweat and I wipe them on my jeans. She has the radio on and Alanis Morissette is blasting from the speakers. When I open the passenger side door and close it behind me, she looks up at me through her tears; she’s so beautiful, even with mascara running down her face. She’s also wearing that stupid big hat from the day she drove me home in this death trap. She doesn’t say anything to me, she just takes a swig from the bottle of vodka.

  “He was the reason I stayed sober,” Callie says, breaking the silence.

  “I know he was, and I know you need to numb the pain. I know that listening to music so loud that it drowns out the silence in your brain helps too.”

  “I just need to forget, just for a little while, please help me forget.”

  “Okay.” I open my door and walk around to her side of the car and help her out; tonight I plan to do whatever it takes to help her forget. Maybe it’s stupid not to take the alcohol and whatever her drug of choice is, and I know she has some on her somewhere, it’s what helps us feel something. But the damage is done and she’ll have to face that, but if I force her right now she could disappear from my life. Walking inside hand in hand, Marcus is standing in the doorway. I tell Callie to go inside and pick some music and I’ll be in soon. I can see the look on his face and I know what he’s about to say.

  “You’re in over your head,” he says.

  “Just trust that I may know how to handle this. Let everyone know I’ll call them tomorrow. Right now, she needs to forget and can you really blame her. The damage is done, she already hates herself, so in a few hours more, and me watching over her, she’ll have it out of her system and everything will be fine.”

  “What if she doesn’t and you get dragged down with her?”

  “Are you fucking serious right now? She needs me and if she does drag me back in, as you say, then I don’t care, I don’t want to be without her. I need her and I know her, she’s too strong to let this keep her down, she’ll wake up in the morning and realise it isn’t worth it.”

  “You’re being a selfish ass, as usual. When will you act your age, and start thinking about something, or someone, other than yourself?”

  “Fuck off, you’re way out of line, it isn’t your place as my employee!” I whisper-yell.

  “Employee!” he scoffs. “Here I thought we were actually friends,” he says and walks away mumbling something under his breath. I knew he wouldn’t understand. The only thing that kept me going after Amelia died was drugs, booze, fucking, and music; and I’d only known Amelia for a short time. This was her son, someone she already felt she’d let down. If this is how she wants to deal with her grief on his birthday, then I’ll stand by her side and make sure she’s okay, that she gets through it even if no one else agrees or understands.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Callie

  I didn’t want to wake up today; I knew it wouldn’t end well, I could feel it in my bones. Beau didn’t deserve to die before he was eighteen, not when I’ve done so many shitty things. Why wasn’t it me? Everyone could have moved on if it were me. I honestly think that being hit by a bus would have felt better than how I feel. I’m numb and there’s a pain coming from so deep inside me I need to feel it on the outside. That’s when it hits me that maybe I should get a tattoo. Walking into the kitchen, Delilah is cooking muffins.

  “Do you know where Eddie is?” I ask, she always seems to know where everyone is.

  “He left for a meeting, he said he wouldn’t be long.”

  “Okay, thanks. I might call Jules and see what she’s doing,” I lie, I wouldn’t call her to take me to get a tattoo. Instead of waiting for Eddie, I decide to surprise him when I get back. I decide to try the place he got his. I hope they have time when I have no appointment.

  “Welcome to Big Moe’s House of Ink,” says a beautiful woman covered in tattoos.

  “Um, hi. I’m wanting to get a tattoo.”

  “Well, you’re definitely in the right place. Do you know what you’re wanting to get?”

  “I really didn’t think about that, I acted on impulse. My son Beau passed away and I wanted something for him, but also something different.” I say holding back the tears. She hands me a tissue and leads me into a back booth.

  “This is my boyfriend, Dex. He’s amazing, if I do say so myself,” she says, looking at him. “Dex, this is…”

  “Callie.”

  “She came in looking to get a memorial tattoo of sorts for her son, and I know you’ll do it justice like you did mine,” she says.

  “Can I see it?” I ask her. She turns her back to face me, and Dex helps her lift the back of her shirt. I don’t know what I was expecting, but her tattoo is amazing and has so much detail. You can see the layers from a skull to a face and a mask, but you can also see the levels of sadness; it’s a very powerful piece of art.

  “I’m speechless,” I say

  “What do you think you want, and where?” Dex asks.

  “I’m not really sure, but I do have a quote I’d like incorporated.” I hand him the piece of paper with the quote that Delilah left me. I really want to believe I can find the strength to get through today.

  “How about, if you’re comfortable, you tell me about Beau and maybe we can come up with something together?”

  How do you explain to a complete stranger how beyond amazing someone was? I’m no stranger to telling my story to strangers and for some reason when I look at Dex I can see the slight hint of sadness, he also looks at me as if he understands my pain. I start from the beginning, about having Beau so young and my addiction. It’s hard to talk about Billy, but until very recently I’ve been able to talk about him and remember the good times we had, I wonder if I’ll ever feel that way about Beau. Dex asks me some questions about me and Beau, then pulls out some paper and I try to watch over his shoulder as he starts drawing something. After a few minutes, he spins around in his chair to face me.

  “So, I have an idea, and you can tell me it sucks if you don’t like it, but I was thinking of doing it on your ribs and it would be super painful.”

  “Pain isn’t an issue.” I need to feel pain, I need to not feel like someone is squeezing my heart and slowly tearing it from my chest.

  “I just have to warn you, I’ve seen grown men run from how painful it is.”

  “Pussies, that’s what they are…”

  “Ruby,” Dex chastises her.

  “What?” she says, he just looks at her and raises an eyebrow. “Fine, I’m going now anyway. Apparently my best friends’ a moron and can’t find his keys,” Ruby says in an amused tone. Dex just laughs and says he’ll pick up Harlow after he finishes my tattoo.

  “Sorry about that. Now, I was thinking of this…just picture watercolours of blues, and maybe yellow and pink. He lays the drawing on the table and tears fall freely down my face. “When you told me about Beau and the way he looked at life, I thought what better than a feather, which can symbolise death in a way. The birds breaking off at the top is like he found his wings, and then the writing along the feather.”

  “It’s perfect,” I sob. He calls over a female employee and asks her to get a privacy screen set up. Once he’s set everything up and the screen is blocking the view of the shop, Dex asks me to remove my top and lay on my side; he wants to free hand the outline to fit with my curves. I turn my phone off so Jules can’t blow it up when she realises I went off on my ow
n and done something stupid; she wouldn’t say it that way, but it’s what she’d mean. Today I don’t care; if I want to do something reckless and stupid, then I will. After what feels like hardly any time at all, Dex has finished drawing on me and lets me know that if I need a break at any stage to let him know and he can stop. As the needles hit my skin it’s a welcome release. Each movement of the machine draws me into the present. It’s the first time in days I’ve felt anything. After maybe two hours, he stops and puts down the tattoo machine and looks down at me. I had been trying to hide the tears, but actually feeling something has cleared my mind. I’m so broken from losing Beau, and though my heart is a shattered mess there’s a small part of it that doesn’t want to beat in sadness but beat for love, and I feel selfish. How can I think of being happy without Beau here? But Eddie makes me happy so damn happy inside I feel like a lovesick teenager.

  “Are you okay?” he asks.

  “I don’t know, I thought the physical pain would help me feel something…”

  “But it’s brought your brain back to reality and all the emotions are too much,” he says and now I know for sure that he understands what I’m going through.

  “Did you lose a child?” I ask, not sure if it’s really appropriate. “I’m sorry, that was rude of me.”

  “I lost my wife, but it could have been my daughter,” he says, putting on a new pair of gloves and starting up the machine again. “Amanda was amazing and my soul mate, she was pregnant and our wedding day was everything we’d ever dreamed it would be. We had an accident and I had to choose who to save. I picked our daughter, and I know it was selfish, but I wanted to pick Amanda too and that lead to some stupid choices. I’m good now, I have my daughter Harlow and my amazing girlfriend that you met earlier.”

  “I’m so sorry for your loss,” I say. I couldn’t image how hard it would have been for him to choose.

  “Thank you. Just know, while the pain doesn’t get easier, and I don’t think it ever will, you will find a way to get through each day and remember the good memories.”

  After another three hours, and feeling a little sore, he’s finished. I’m nervous to see how it looks. Getting up off the table, I make my way over to the full-length mirror. I’m speechless, it looks even more beautiful on my skin than it did on paper. The feather flows as if it’s real and the birds breaking off at the top look so lifelike. The water colours make it beautiful and Delilah’s quote is delicate and curves along the side of the feather. After Dex wraps me up so I can put my shirt back on, I thank him for how amazing it is. His girlfriend Ruby is at the front counter along with a young girl of maybe eleven or twelve.

  “Dad, finally, Jash said I’m old enough to get an iPhone, but Ruby said no.”

  “Did he now? Did he say he was going to pay for it, too?” Dex says

  “Well no, but…” she protests.

  “But nothing, Harlow. You’re a child and if Ruby said no, it means no.”

  “Ugh, you’re both horrible. Why can’t you understand and get with the times? Old people just never get it. Why can’t you be cool like Uncle Jash?” she says, stomping away.

  “Sorry about that,” Ruby says as Dex follows behind his daughter.

  “That’s okay,” I say handing her my credit card. Once I’ve paid, I make my way outside and decide to go for a walk to clear my head. I hope what Dex said is true and it gets easier to get through the day. The only thing getting me through the days is Eddie. He’s been an amazing help, even when he’s being a pain in my ass. Before Beau passed away, we’d spoken about me being his designated driver for the night of his birthday, being eighteen he wanted to go out with a few friends and have some drinks. We’d spoken about my addiction and I’d reassured him that it was okay as long as he was responsible. The bar he wanted to go to is just down the street—it couldn’t hurt to stop in for a meal, and I’m not quite ready to head home and face Jules just yet.

  The bar isn’t what it used to be years ago. It’s now run down and filled with kids, maybe I’m old and they just look like kids to me.

  “Hey Cal, it’s been a while,” comes a familiar voice.

  “Oh, hi Blondie, you still working here?” I say, surprised, she’d just started bartending here when I spent most of my free time here.

  “I’m now part owner.”

  “That’s awesome. Do you have a menu, I’m starved, and can I get a lemon, lime and bitters?” I say and she hands me a menu. I really don’t want to do the whole small talk thing, I don’t need to explain about Beau.

  “So, how’s life been treating you, married?”

  “It could be better and no, not married.” I decide to throw the rock star boyfriend her way, that will stop any family talk. “I’m actually dating a musician, you may have heard of him, Eddie Diamond.”

  “You always did like the bad boys. Did you see today’s magazines?” she asks, not giving me a chance to answer before placing a magazine on the bar, I read the headline and I’m in shock. He’s been accused of sexually harassing Alex and he didn’t tell me. Blondie puts my drink down in front of me. I don’t know what comes over me, nothing seems rational, it’s like all my care factor leaves my body. Why did I expect Eddie to be different? Why does everyone feel the need to lie to me and treat me like a child? Taking a big sip of my drink, I instantly know Blondie’s put vodka in it. A big part of my brain screams at me to spit it out, but a small part says fuck it, they all get to have their secrets and maybe after five years of being sober I just don’t have any reason left to care. The burn makes me cough and Blondie laughs.

  “Looked like you could use one of those.”

  “Maybe it is just what I needed,” I say.

  “Bobby’s goons still loiter out the front,” she says. Bobby is the biggest drug dealer in town, or was before he went to jail, maybe he’s out or someone is taking care of his gear while he is locked away.

  One night, for one night I can be careless and carefree. Don’t I deserve that much? To forget the pain, to forget my life, and to forget everyone. Will I regret it tomorrow? Possibly, but since no one is guaranteed tomorrow, why waste today worrying about it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Eddie

  Walking back inside to Callie, the sound of music fills the air. My heart screams for her when Birdy’s voice pours through the speakers, singing the same song I sang at Beau’s funeral.

  Her beauty is masked by the torment from within herself, it’s easy to see the guilt and blame. Sitting in the corner of the lounge, she takes a sip from the bottle of vodka which is almost empty. I take a deep breath, unsure of what I should do. She looks up at me and the smile in her eyes is gone, replaced with anger, and I can tell it’s directed at me. Before I get a chance to speak or react, the vodka bottle is hurled at my head, missing by an inch. The bottle smashes on impact when it hits the door frame, and glass ricochets into my back and falls at my feet. Unhappy with the fact that the bottle didn’t hit me, Callie is on her feet and running towards me. I step forward so she doesn’t step in the glass and brace myself for the impact. Her screams make no sense, she’s yelling about lying and I realise she’s talking about Alex. I wrap my arms around her as she punches into my chest.

  “You know what they’re saying isn’t true.” My words seem to anger her more and she pulls away.

  “Do you really think that little of me, that I’d believe that lying whore? I’m angry because everyone around me treats me like a fragile child and you were the only one who didn’t,” she sobs. “With everything going on, I needed you to not be like everyone else, I needed you to be you. When I’m around you I forget, the pain isn’t as unbearable!” she yells. I don’t mean to raise my voice at her, but it just comes flying out.

  “So, you want me to be a selfish prick who only thinks about himself?”

  “YES!” she screams. With that, I don’t need to hear anymore, I put her over my shoulder and carry her through to my room, kicking open the door.

  Releasing
Callie from my arms, my bed catches her fall. I’ve never asked a woman’s permission to fuck before, they’ve always come to me ready and willing, but Callie is different. I would never force myself on a woman, so I look into her eyes and I can see she wants this. She looks up at me with her big baby blue eyes and watches as I remove my clothes, neither of us saying a word. I have been waiting so long to taste her. Kneeling at the edge of the bed, I slowly slide her pants over her hips, and she lifts herself so I can slide them the rest of the way down her legs. Her low moans and laboured breathing let me know she wants this as much as I do. I take her in, her rounded hips and all her curves, she couldn’t be any more beautiful than she is in this moment. As her hips rise from the bed I lean forward, catching the scent of her arousal. I’ve never paid attention to a woman’s needs before, sex has always been about the pleasure I get from it. I feel like a nervous little virgin. But for Callie I’m determined to try and be unselfish, starting here and now.

  As I gaze at her, her thoughts are clearly written on her beautiful face. She needs to feel me; she desperately needs me inside of her. Her pulsing hips are encouraging me to take her, so I run my hands down the inside of her legs, her arousal sends goosebumps across her whole body and her nipples harden. Raising her legs over my shoulders, I continue my assault on her thighs until I run my tongue across her clit. She’s instantly lost in sensation, and her body writhes and heaves expectantly.

  As her cries of pleasure get louder, I know she’s nearing the end, I stop and she looks at me with her ‘hurry up, I need to cum, you asshole’ face.

  My cock is throbbing and wants his turn. I want to bend her over the bed and fuck her hard as I watch her ass bounce, but I also want to watch her face as she explodes all over my cock. What the fuck is wrong with me? Eddie doesn’t think about shit during sex, he just fucks, hard and fast.