Scarred Surrender (Scarred Series Book 6)

by Jackie Williams

  Joe appeared on the path and looked into Crystal’s abandoned basket. He frowned as he glanced back up at Ellen.

  “Is Patrick experimenting with dinner ingredients? Not sure I fancy buttercup and milk thistle soup.”

  Ellen laughed and began picking more weeds from Crystal’s basket.

  James lay on the therapy bed. Crystal had raised the head end and now stood beside him.

  “I know you said that you didn’t think it would work, but I think it might benefit you anyway. I want to try the hypnotherapy on you.” She pressed her hand on his arm when he looked about to protest. “Has your phantom limb thing gone away suddenly?”

  James sighed deeply and shook his head. He couldn’t lie to her, but he didn’t want to disappoint her either.

  “No, I’m just trying to ignore it, but what you’re trying to do isn’t going to happen.”

  Crystal rolled her eyes.

  “Why are you so dismissive of something you haven’t tried? The massage worked to relax you the other night, this might too, whatever you think. Look, let’s just give it one go and then I’ll get on with sorting out your hamstring.” She looked at him hopefully.

  James knew he’d lost the moment she blinked her lashes over her beautiful eyes. He had to do it for her even though he knew it was impossible.

  “Okay, you win. Do your thing. Where do you want me?”

  Crystal gave a small whoop of victory.

  “Right here for the moment. I’m going to give you some instructions and I want you to follow them. Now, hold this ball for me.”

  She handed him what looked like a squash ball. He took it and looked at it curiously.

  “Now what? Did you bring racquets too?” He lifted an eyebrow.

  Crystal narrowed her eyes at him.

  “If you’re not going to take this seriously we may as well give up now. Just don’t blame me when you can’t get out of bed in the morning.” She turned away from him and began folding towels back into the cupboard.

  He straightened the amused look on his face and held the ball in the palm of his hand.

  “Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to be flippant. Tell me what to do.” He waited patiently.

  She held a towel across her chest as she considered him critically before giving in. Though she wanted him, she wanted to help him far more.

  “Okay, but if you are going to do this properly, I don’t want any half arsed effort,” she waited until he nodded. “I want you to close your eyes and think about your legs. Imagine all the feelings and sensations of broken bones, the intensity of the pain you feel. The aches, the itches, the throbbing. Concentrate on it hard.”

  James winced at the suggestion of it. The vague throbbing suddenly hitched several notches on his pain threshold. He gasped as the mind-numbing ache caught him and threatened to take over. He thought he was about to black out when Crystal spoke again, her voice reaching for him through the darkness.

  “Now imagine putting all that torture inside the ball. All of it. Don’t leave a scrap outside. It’s all in the ball.” She watched as he grimaced. “Now squeeze that ball, James. As hard as you can. You have put all that agony inside it. Now crush it. You are stronger than the pain. Conquer it. Hold it there, hold all that pain in that ball.”

  Her voice filtered through him. Tendrils of sensation fluttered in his mind. Without thinking, his hand gripped the ball hard. His knuckles whitened over it and his fingers began to ache. He thought he was going to cry out as the tension corded his forearm and sweat broke out on his brow. Crystal touched his forehead and he opened his eyes. She was right there in front of him, her lips only inches from his. If he leaned forwards he could have touched hers with his, but the agony still swept through him, down his arm and into his hand. He had to stop this. He was going to break the bones in his hand, but something stopped him releasing the ball. Panic swept through him as he realized that he couldn’t let the ball go. His eyes widened in shock just as Crystal lips moved again. Her words were so soft that he barely heard them over the roaring in his ears.

  “Let the ball go. Now!” She tapped his forehead again.

  His hand unclenched instantly and the ball dropped to the floor. For a moment he didn’t know what was meant to happen, but then it hit him. The pain had disappeared completely. There was nothing, not an ache, not a throb, or a sudden stab, just peace and nothingness for the first time in years.

  “Holy fuck,” he breathed out softly as he shook the tension from his shoulders. “What just happened?”

  Crystal took a towel and wiped the sweat from his brow before she spoke.

  “It’s just suggestive stuff that lets you visualize your pain as something solid. The rational part of you knows that you can’t have pain in legs that don’t exist any longer, but your brain still hasn’t worked that out. Your pain receptors still remember the nerves and your brain couldn’t switch them off. Transferring all the pain into the ball helps your brain pick that up. When you let the ball go, your mind can visualize something solid, a true action and reaction. The pain leaves with the ball.” She gave a smile and a small shrug. “Well, that’s the idea behind it. Seems as though it worked too.” She looked beyond thrilled.

  James took some calming breaths.

  “But I thought you said you were going to hypnotize me. I thought I’d be looking at a swinging watch and going into a trance.”

  Crystal laughed.

  “Idiot. You watch too many films.” Her face became serious again. “What I did was a form of hypnosis. You just didn’t recognize it as such. Unfortunately I can’t promise that the pain won’t come back, but at least you know we can possibly get rid of it again. It’s all a matter of trial, error, and tweaking a treatment so that it works for the individual patient.” She paused and looked down at his legs. “Right, well, we need to get to work on that hamstring now. With all your other pains gone, at least you’ll be able to tell me truthfully if anything I do hurts for real.” She began lowering the backrest of the bed.

  James sat there, still slightly stunned. He let himself fall back with the headrest as her words sank in. Something definitely hurt. His heart. Joe had been wrong. She didn’t like him any more than any other man. He was just a patient to her. He thought about getting up off the bed and walking out but he was suddenly lying flat and Crystal’s hands were wrapped about his knee, lifting it and placing a triangular shaped wedge of foam beneath it. He gave up the struggle for a second time, closed his eyes and let her do her work. If this was going to be the only time he had with her he was going to appreciate every second of it.

  She began talking him through what she was doing as she manipulated his leg. He tuned out until she finished pressing and pulling and then he turned over, lying on his belly again as she instructed. He wondered how she felt as she bent what was left of his lower leg up towards the back of his thigh and then pressed it back down again. She knew he wasn’t whole, but did seeing him like this revolt her, or scare her? It was nothing to be ashamed of, but it couldn’t be easy for her to look at his broken body. Someone so young and beautiful shouldn’t have to see the evidence of what had happened to him. He suddenly wanted to get up off the bed again and get out of the room, but she must have felt something change. She stopped manipulating his leg and rested her hand in the centre of his back.

  “Don’t think about moving. I’ve not finished yet.” She waited until she could feel his muscles relax and then returned her hands to his leg. She was too good at this. She could read him like an open book. He smiled inwardly and let his mind drift as he felt the tendon in his thigh pull painfully tight and then release.

  He settled into the bed, deciding that it was so much easier to give in than to fight it. She continued her explanations but he let the words drift over him, her voice enough to calm and sedate him. He let out a long breath and became more comfortable as she stopped massaging his legs, moving her hands up to his back and shoulders. The sensations hit him as hard as they had at the previous se
ssion, but this time he didn’t want to sleep. He wanted to feel them all. He relaxed completely, tension easing as her warm, oily hands swept up and down his flesh. He let out a long rumble of satisfaction as his taut muscles yielded to her skill.

  It was a few moments later that he realized her voice had changed from the gentle but matter of fact comments about what she was doing to something far more intimate. He didn’t move, couldn’t. She clearly thought he’d fallen into a deep sleep again. If she suddenly noticed that he was actually wide awake, listening to every word, she might never speak to him again. He concentrated on his breathing, deep and regular while he listened to her words.

  Crystal knew that he’d fallen to sleep only moments after she began massaging his broad shoulders. His body became supple and pliable, so different to the tense, hard muscles he had when he was awake and active. She stopped telling him exactly what she was doing and sighed as she swept her hands over his silky skin.

  “You are such a contrast. Sometimes hard as steel, sometimes soft as butter. I don’t know which I like the most. Strength and security or kindness and vulnerability,” she whispered as she leaned over and pressed her lips to his shoulder. She stood back again and brushed her hands over the place her lips had touched. “Sorry, I know I shouldn’t have done that, but I just couldn’t stop myself. It’s too hard to resist you when you’re like this. I know that you wouldn’t let me do it if you were awake.” She added some more oil and pushed her fingertips into his flaccid muscles. “I was so frightened the other day. I thought you had died. Gone, just like dad...James, I couldn’t bear it if you left me. I want to throw myself into your arms and tell you that I love you, but I don’t think I can stand the rejection if you don’t feel the same way. I don’t know how to tell you how I feel without embarrassing myself, or you, and you never let me know what you’re thinking. Your emotions are so guarded. I haven’t had any experience with men. I don’t know what I am meant to look for or what to do.” She leaned over again and pressed three feather-light kisses down the centre of his spine before she covered him with warm towels, lowered the bed, and walked out of the room.

  James lay there barely breathing as her words sank in through the drift of languorous feelings that had come over him and he suddenly realized that he had to move. Her dream hadn’t been about her father. It was all about him. She loved him.

  She loves me! She freaking, fucking loves me!

  His thoughts went wild as he pulled himself out of his stupor. He flipped over and immediately made to raise the bed. He had to catch up with her, wanted to take her in his arms, wanted to press his lips to hers. Dear God! He needed her in his bed. Needed to make love to her all night until they were both spent and sated and she was his forever. And he needed to do it now!

  He grappled with the buttons beside him, cursing as the foot end of the bed suddenly rose in the air and then the head end squashed him into a ‘v’ shape. It was another minute before he was flat again and rising into the right position. Refitting his prosthetic legs took him a few minutes longer and then his pants refused to pull up his oil slicked thighs. He wrenched them up, tearing at the waistband. Tugging his soft t-shirt over his moist shoulders was a nightmare. It rolled up and doubled over, becoming stuck under his armpits and refusing to fall down over his chest. He ripped it from his body and shook it out again, this time holding it away from his skin as he pulled it down to his waist. He grabbed his soft bottoms and shoved his legs into the material. His false limbs caught in the elastic at the bottom of the trouser legs and he swore loudly as he grappled with the over-stretched material.

  It took more than ten minutes to finally find his way up the stairs from the treatment rooms to the entrance hall. David stood by the huge front door, staring out into the night. He turned back as he heard James heading across the tiled floor towards the stairs. James stopped. Staring out at the forest in the late evening wasn’t one of David’s known habits. He was normally within touching distance of his wife, and Geraldine was nowhere to be seen. David’s stricken expression also didn’t bode well either.

  “Problem?” he asked quickly, not wanting to delay finding Crystal, but realizing that something was seriously wrong. David only stared silently back at him, his mouth slightly open, his eyes damp with tears. Tears? He tried again. “I was hoping to catch Crystal. I need to talk to her, but if there’s something wrong...”

  David shook his head, his expression so distressed that James took a step closer and he took his friend by the shoulders and gave him a small shake.

  “Dave, what’s going on? Where’s Crystal? Where’s Geraldine? Is there a problem with the kids?”

  David opened his mouth and then closed it again. Then he coughed and shook his head as his body seemed to collapse beneath him and he slumped into one of the chairs in the entrance hall. He looked up at James, a hopeless expression in his eyes.

  “Andy...You remember the young guy who came for dinner?” He stopped speaking and swallowed audibly before carrying on. “Gemma called about ten minutes ago. She’s at A & E in Roscoff. Andy decided to top himself. Left a note saying he couldn’t go on without Crystal helping him.”

  James felt his insides clench.

  “What! You mean he has gone, he has died? Jesus! What did he do to himself?” He couldn’t believe the news. Andrew Lawson had looked so strong, so confident, and he had so much to live for.

  David shook his head again.

  “No, he’s alive, thank God, but he’s unconscious in ICU. Gemma says that he broke into the drugs cabinet at the rehab centre and took a load of painkillers. Amy went to do her usual evening stock check and immediately realized that a whole bottle of the strongest stuff was missing. She checked the CCTV and saw what happened. Called the emergency services immediately. They’re trying to bring him round now. Crystal just left with Geraldine. You know she’s a nurse, right? Well, they are going to do what they can to help, if the hospital will let them. Gemma is in a right state. It’s the first time we’ve ever had anything like this happen. She’s blaming herself already. She thinks that she should have realized his state of mind earlier, but that’s not her job at all. We have counsellors for that.” He wiped his hand over his face and ran his fingers through his hair.

  James dragged a chair over so that he could sit beside his friend.

  “I never would have guessed he’d do anything like that. I thought the kid seemed fine. All three of them looked as though they were coping okay.”

  David leaned back on the chair and looked over at James.

  “Do any of us really cope okay? Especially in the first few months. It’s overwhelming. The changes are so drastic, so difficult to come to terms with. I know that I was barely hanging in there until I was back at work and had this place and Geraldine to think about. That woman just about saved my life, she made me hope like I had never hoped before. Patrick had a nightmare with it all until Ellen rescued him from the brink of hell, and you know about how both Joe and Paul suffered. Joe was a recluse and Paul ended up being a homeless beggar. Even Gemma found it hard, until Ryan rescued her, and she’s the toughest one of us all. This crap isn’t easy.” He waved down towards his own missing legs. “It’s never going to get easier. We’re just lucky that we have friends and wives who don’t judge. Andrew doesn’t appear to have anyone. No family at all outside life in his regiment apparently, and now he can’t be a part of that. He’s twenty-three, for God’s sake! It’s all so fucking wrong!” David screwed up his eyes while trying to control his emotions.

  James remained silent for a few moments until he felt the throb start up again in his lower limbs. He clenched his hand into a fist and thought about letting go of the squash ball. The pain lessened considerably. He breathed out slowly as he chose his words carefully.

  “Dave, Crystal’s methods work. She’s done something for me that no one could before.” He rolled his eyes as David quirked a knowing eyebrow at him. “I don’t mean the stuff about falling in love with her.”
He rolled his eyes again as David grinned delightedly. “Shut up messing about for a moment. This is serious. I never would have believed it if it hadn’t worked on me. It wasn’t wishful thinking. I knew that it couldn’t work on me and yet it did. She’s tapped into something I’ve never heard of or seen before. It wasn’t hypnotism as we know it. It’s way beyond that and if Andrew was suffering before and she gave him some kind of relief that he can’t get now, I can see why he might want to end it all. I know that you found a method that worked for you, but I never did. The pain is relentless, mind numbing. It’s like a fog that never lifts and nothing makes it go away. When Crystal didn’t go back to the centre after I fell, Andy probably thought he was never going to find that kind of relief again. She’s so gentle and caring, it’s like a warm blanket spreading all over you. He needs her back at the centre. All the clients do.” His voice became a mere whisper as something clenched hard within his chest.

  David lifted his head from back of the chair. He leaned forwards and stared at his friend.

  “You know what this means, don’t you?”

  James nodded slowly as knives pierced their way through his heart.

  “Yes.” He breathed out the word as the knives tore at him. “You have to ask her to stay here to work with Andrew and the rest of our people who come through. I know that she’ll want to do it. I’ve never met a more compassionate person in my whole life.”

  David breathed in and out slowly.

  “And Emily? You’re her guardian and she’s going to university in England in September. You are meant to stay with her until she’s twenty-five. If Crystal stays here, and knowing her, she will, that will mean giving her up for at least the next seven years. Can you do that?”

  The knives went deeper. James felt his heart split down the middle. She was everything he had dreamed of, everything he had ever wanted and now, now that he knew that she loved him, that he loved her just as hard, she was about to slip from his grasp. But he couldn’t be so arrogant as to assume that she wanted the same things he did. He forced his heart rate and the burning blood racing through his veins to slow and cool, knowing what he had to say and do. He had to let her go.