A Home for my Heart (Matters of the Heart #3)

by Velvet Reed

  I can’t help but smile at her, because I’ve really missed her sassy, smart-ass attitude. “I love you,” I blurt out, not really meaning to share that piece of information until later.

  Her eyes widen and her mouth drops open, before she starts opening and closing it as if she’s going to say something but can’t quite find the words. Now that I’ve startled us both with my revelation and shot my plan to pieces, I decide to just wing it and take this conversation as it comes. “It’s true,” I tell her. “I love you, Ashley Brookes. I love you so fucking much.”

  I’m deliriously high. My head swims with overwhelming relief and excitement having finally proclaimed my true feelings to the most important person in my life. Who knew saying those words could make you feel that way?

  Ashley continues to stare at me, and then, as if coming out of a trance, her eyes blink rapidly and she focuses. “You love me?” she questions and I nod.

  “I really do.”

  “You love me,” she repeats again, as if confused by the words and now I’m starting to feel that way, too. “I find that a little hard to believe, because you don’t ask someone you love to move in with you and then disappear the same day without a goodbye.”

  My euphoric feeling starts to slowly dissipate.

  “I called and called, Sam. I sent you hundreds of text messages and you never replied to one of them,” she continues.

  “I know…” I start but she holds up a hand to stop me.

  “Shut up!” she spits angrily. “Just shut up and listen.”

  I do as she says because I know that if I want the opportunity for her to listen to me, then I need to do the same for her, even if she is going to rip me a new one.

  “The day you left was a fucking nightmare for me. But I got through that afternoon because I was so unbelievably excited I was coming home to you and we were going to move in together.” Her eyes stay locked on mine, and I can see the emotion starting to build in them. “Cole came and told me what happened and I was devastated. I knew you would be hurting and all I wanted to do was help you and take away the pain you must have been feeling.”

  I swallow hard, trying to clear the lump in my throat.

  “I was stressed out because my phone broke and I was so worried that you’d be calling me on that and couldn’t reach me. But you didn’t call. You never replied and every day without you got harder. I cried all the fucking time. I was scared, confused about why you wouldn’t speak to me and so angry at the same time. You have no idea what you did to me.” The emotions she has been holding back break free and now she’s crying. I did this. I hurt her. I made her cry.

  “Ash,” I try again. This time she shakes her head no.

  “I told you I loved you and you never said it back.” A loud sob escapes her but she goes on. “You never said it back and then you left.” She pauses again, taking a few shuddering breaths. “I didn’t hear from you for three fucking months, Sam, and that made me feel exactly the same way I did when I was six years old and my parents left me.”

  A knife just sliced straight through my heart as I realize the enormity of the hurt I caused her. I always thought her parents were absolute scum for abandoning Ashley the way they did, and yet to her I went and did exactly the same. Who’s the bigger scum bag? Nausea rolls through my system and I try to pull myself together to stop from being physically ill.

  I can’t help it. I move closer and wrap my arms around her, holding her close as she cries into my shoulder. “I’m sorry, Ash. I’m so, so sorry,” I plead fervently, as cool wetness trails down my cheeks, a testament to the sorrow and regret I feel. “It wasn’t you. You did absolutely nothing wrong. It was me… all me. You’re perfect. God, Ashley, you’re so damn perfect and I’m was so fucking screwed up that I couldn’t talk about my feelings or even realize what they were.”

  I need to look at her, but I need to comfort her as well so I move away a little, leaving one arm around her and taking her other hand in mine. “I’m not trying to make excuses, because you already know how my relationship was with my parents. You know I never felt loved by them and they certainly never showed it. When they died, I just kind of shut my feelings down. It hurt. It hurt a lot, but then John and Olivia took me in and made me a part of their family. I had wanted to be a Tierney instead of an Evans for so long and now I was, so I wasn’t going to do anything that would make them change their minds.”

  I stop for a second. Her tears have slowed and she squeezes my hand as if encouraging me to keep going, so I do. “I didn’t show my grief for my parent’s death, or my grief for the love they never gave me. I didn’t show John and Olivia how much I loved them and wanted to be their son. I didn’t show them how scared I was in case I’d lose them, and I definitely didn’t tell them how I’d convinced myself that I was never really one of their family. I didn’t show how I felt because I didn’t want to have it thrown back at me or to hurt me. Not showing my feelings was how I lived for half my life.

  “You made me feel so different when you came into my life, Ash. It was confusing and exhilarating all at the same time. I didn’t realize I loved you before I left. I knew I hated being away from you. I wanted to be with you all the time and that’s exactly why I asked you to move in with me.” She smiles at me tentatively, her eyes still glassy.

  “When I found out about my birth mother and that Olivia and John knew… I couldn’t handle it. The anger, the devastation of knowing they’d kept the truth from me, the understanding of why my parents never loved me. Suddenly, I felt like nothing. I wasn’t a Tierney, I wasn’t an Evans. I’d seen my birth mother for all of ten minutes and I had no idea who my father was. I was nobody.” I look away as tears fill my eyes again. Remembering my argument with Olivia has me reliving the pain again.

  “Oh, Sam,” Ash whimpers.

  I have to finish this, so I look into her eyes and hold her gaze. “I didn’t leave because of you. I just got so caught up in the pain I was feeling, caught up in the explosion of emotions that happened when I confronted Olivia, that I wasn’t thinking straight. I just had to leave. Get some space and clear my head. And when I did and I realized you weren’t with me and I hadn’t even spoken to you…I went to call and message you so many times but I never knew what to say. I knew you’d be hurt but I certainly didn’t think it would be as bad as it was.

  “Jesus, Ash, I thought about you every day and I missed you like crazy. I just didn’t know how to make it right. Then, after one particular night, everything became crystal clear and made sense. I realized I loved you and that I couldn’t live without you. I realized I was wrong about John and Olivia. I realized that it didn’t make me less of a man, less of a human being to actually feel things and share those feelings with the people I care about.”

  “What happened to make everything so clear?” she asks, and my stomach drops at the thought of telling her about the girl from the bar. I’ve sworn to myself that I’d be completely open and honest, though, and I intend to do that.

  “There was a girl.” I say and Ashley immediately pulls her hand out of mine and moves to stand up. “Wait,” I plead, grabbing her forearm to stay her movement. “Please listen.”

  She eyes me skeptically before lowering herself back to the couch. “Thank you,” I say, and clasp my hands together to prevent myself from reaching out to her again. “I was at a bar having a few beers when this girl with blonde hair sat down beside me. We started talking and she told me how devastated she was because her boyfriend had left her.”

  Ashley snorts out an incredulous laugh. “Now, that’s ironic.”

  “I know,” I agree. “Anyway, one thing led to another, we had a lot to drink and we ended up back at my hotel.”

  “I don’t want to hear this, Sam,” she says, her voice cracking and she turns away from me.

  “I didn’t have sex with her,” I confess, and Ashley’s gaze instantly finds mine again. She looks almost hopeful. “I’ll admit we almost did. But all I could think about was you. I
wanted her to be you so bad and when I called her Ashley and she corrected me, I knew I was about to make a huge mistake, so I stopped.” I leave out the part where I mistakenly told the girl ‘I love you, Ashley.’ because as honest as I want to be, I don’t think Ash needs to hear that.

  “You what?” she stammers.

  “I hadn’t so much as looked at another woman since I left, Ash, and the first time I did, I called her your name and was fantasizing about you.”

  Ashley bites her lip and I’m not sure if she’s doing it to try to stop laughing or because she’s trying to keep her temper in check.

  “I made her leave and then I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I realized then that my feelings for you were so much stronger than anything I had ever experienced in my life. I knew right then that I loved you. Love you with every single part of me.”

  She hasn’t said much since I started explaining everything. I know she’s upset and hurt, but I’m hoping that she might just understand. I take her hands again and hold them tight. I need to make her see and feel how much I mean what I’m saying.

  “I came back for you, Ashley. I came back because I love you. I know I hurt you and I’m sorry, but I need you, Ash. You make me a better man. Please. Please say you’ll give me another chance. I won’t let you down and I will never stop showing you how much you mean to me.”

  So the caveman thing went out the door pretty damn fast, but I don’t care. I’ll beg and grovel every day if I have to because I owe her that.

  “I loved you, Sam, and you really hurt me. I thought I was over what my parents did, but this showed me that I still have major issues with abandonment.” The sadness in her teary eyes is unmistakable and her lip trembles as she tries to keep from crying.

  I take her face in my hands and wipe away a single tear with my thumb. “I’ll never leave you again.”

  She places her hand over mine at her cheek. “It’s going to take time before I trust you again when it comes to that. How do I know that you’re not going to leave next time things get tough and you can’t deal with it?”

  I don’t even hesitate. “I won’t, because I know now exactly what I’d lose if I did. It hurts too much to be without you, and, honestly, I wouldn’t survive if I had to again.”

  We both stay silent for a moment before I speak again. “Can I ask you something?” and she nods in acquiescence. “You said earlier that you loved me, as in past tense. Does that mean you don’t love me anymore?”

  I wait with baited breath, hoping and praying that she still feels for me the way I feel about her. My heart pounds rapidly in my chest and I think it might just kill me if she says she doesn’t love me.

  When she cups my face, mirroring my actions, butterflies swirl in my stomach. “I’ve been in love with you for almost a year, Sam. You’re an asshole for cutting me out of your life the way you did. It broke my heart, but I think I have a better understanding now of why you did what you did. I don’t agree with it, but I guess I do get it.”

  She smiles at me and my heart soars. “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel about you, either, and it scares me as well, but I do love you. I never stopped and I don’t think I ever could. I love you, Sam Evans, and I want to be with you.”

  There’s no holding back now. She’s just made me the happiest man on earth. She’s giving me a second chance and it’s probably more than I deserve, but I’m taking it and will ensure that I do nothing to jeopardize our relationship again.

  I gently pull her face to mine, and our lips are an inch apart. I take hers with so much love and desperation. I move my hands from her face and pull her body against me, relishing the feeling that I’ve gone without for so long. Our tongues dance with each other, the sensation so familiar. So right.

  “I love you,” I whisper each time our lips part for breath. My need to constantly tell her and have her believe the words is imperative.

  She says them back on a whimper, her hands touching me everywhere, as if reassuring herself that I’m really here and we’re really back together. We kiss and hold each other for a long time, neither of us willing to let the other go for too long.

  As the evening ticks by, her movie and popcorn forgotten, we talk. She tells me about Tanner; how he supported her and helped her and I get more insight into the other ways my leaving affected her. Guilt eats at me, but I will say that the relief I felt when she said they never slept together was astounding. I still hated the fact they did other things, but even though I wasn’t here, it felt like her heart and body remained mine.

  When I tell her that I have to work in the morning, her disappointment is clear. Unfortunately, since I was off Christmas Day last year, and have only just gone back to work, I had to pick up the holiday. Since Cole is working, too, Olivia said we’d be having dinner instead of lunch. I don’t want to leave Ashley, not after having just worked things out, so when she offers for me to stay the night and leave early to go home and change before heading to the hospital, I jump at the chance.

  No matter how much I want to, there’s no way I’m going to push our reunion and try anything tonight. So when we turn out the Christmas lights and make our way to Ashley’s bed, I only remove my jeans, shoes and socks. Climbing in next to her in my boxer briefs and shirt, we lay there with our heads resting on our pillows, looking at each other. I lay an arm across her waist and pull her closer to me. She drapes her arm across my side, too, and entwines her legs with mine.

  Pressing a soft kiss to her nose and then her lips, I whisper again, “I love you.”

  She gives me a sleepy smile and says, “I love you, too.”

  Slowly, her eyes begin to drift closed. I watch her in the early stages of sleep, marveling at how beautiful she is not only on the outside but on the inside as well. I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this woman, but she sure as hell owns me. I feel whole for the first time in my life, because this is exactly where I’m meant to be.

  The only home for my heart is right here with Ashley.

  It was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in months. Even if it wasn’t actually a full night. Waking up to Sam, his hold on me possessive, his kisses soft as he trailed them over every inch of my face and his whispered ‘I love you’s’, was like a dream. It felt so right and my heart felt a little less broken.

  I wasn’t lying when I said it will take time for me to trust that Sam won’t leave me again, and I’m going to try my absolute best not to be clingy or need constant reassurance that he’ll stick around.

  Listening to him open up so completely last night gave me huge insight into why he was so emotionally stunted before. I loved him when he was like that, but the Sam who sat before me last night, and exposed his feelings the way he did, is a different man. He wasn’t scared to tell me how he felt, or even show me for that matter. It made me love him a little more. And I do. With all his perfection and all his faults, I really do love that man.

  The jealousy I felt when he told me about the other woman… Jesus, I’d never known anything like it in my life. Well, maybe I had felt the same way when I saw Nurse Barbie at the club that night. I wanted to smack the shit out of both of them, but the fact he almost slept with the other woman… I didn’t want to hear about it. Did I get a perverse sense of satisfaction that it was my name he said? Absolutely. That’s what confirmed for me that I was still on his mind, even when we weren’t together. I believed him. I believed every word he said, his words and actions leave me no doubt of his sincerity.

  We must have lain there in each other’s arms for at least half an hour before Sam had to get up. He decided to wait until he got home to have a shower and I was thankful. I wanted him, and his morning wood that was pressed against my belly while we were in bed, and it was a pretty clear indication that he wanted me, too. But having sex wasn’t something either of us needed last night. A simple physical connection, as well as the knowledge that we were together and going to be okay, made the night all it needed to be.

  Standing at
the door, we lingered there, sharing even more kisses and wishing one another a Merry Christmas. Unsurprisingly, that fact had escaped our attention since we were too caught up in each other. I didn’t want him to leave and it was obvious he didn’t want to, either, but he finally gave me one last soul shattering kiss before making his way to his car and driving away. In the cool, still dark morning, I watched the red glow of his taillights disappear down the road and round the corner. With my mind and my heart reeling, I walked back to my bed with a giddy smile on my face, because Sam coming back to me and us being together again has to be the best Christmas present I’ve ever received.

  Christmas Day has been fun if not a little subdued since both Sam and Cole are working. I went to Gracie’s this morning to help her with Cooper and so we could drive over to John and Olivia’s together since that’s where the celebrations are being held this year.

  Gracie could tell the moment she saw me that something was different. I didn’t give anything away at first, but a lifetime of being able to read each other’s moods meant there was no hiding what happened between Sam and I. She reacted exactly like I expected her to; a little squeal, lots of hugging and excitement. I’m hoping that everyone will be as happy for us as she is.

  Thankfully, Cole had already taken all their presents over to John and Olivia’s yesterday, so it only took April and I two trips to get the remaining gifts I’d brought from out of the car. The welcome was warm as always when Sam’s family greeted me, then their attentions quickly turned back to Cooper since it is his first Christmas. It saddened me to think that Cole had to work on this special day and it gave me a little reality check of the responsibility of doctors.

  Bryan, Charlie and Rubes didn’t show up until later in the morning and we had a very small lunch since we were waiting on the guys to get home. Everyone talked and laughed, enjoying being in each other’s company, but as the hours ticked by I started to grow more and more nervous. How would Sam act when he saw me? How were we going to tell everyone our news?