The Regal Rules for Girls

by Jerramy Fine

  Mr. Maybe by Jane Green

  This highly relatable London novel depicts the eternal dilemma that all girls face at one point: Do you choose the impoverished guy that you’re head-over-heels in love with or the super-successful guy that’s in love with you? When all the titles and castles and jewels get to your head, this book is a wonderful reminder of what’s really important when it comes to matters of the heart.

  Enchanted Love by Marianne Williamson

  I read a lot of new age, self-help books during my roller-coaster single years, and a lot of them were useless. But somehow this book managed to cut through the jargon and speak to my very soul. Marianne’s words and affirmations gave me a new perspective regarding the search for love—and the meaning of love—and totally changed my approach to men, relationships, and dating in general. I was in tears as I read some chapters, but because of this book, I learned to stop some heartwrenching patterns in my love life. Whether you live in London or not, you should read this book. It truly is enchanting.

  1 Or, as written in the London Times, “to melt the boys down and make them all from the same mold like bullets.”

  2 In my experience, British boys that have attended co-ed boarding schools or were sent away later in life (age thirteen or older) tend to be slightly more confident around women and/or not so emotionally repressed.

  3 Sometimes reaching toward your handbag in search of your wallet is a nice gesture. But when he insists on paying, don’t argue with him.

  EIGHT

  FAKE IT TILL YOU MAKE IT

  The poor man is not he who is without a cent, but he who is without a dream.

  —HARRY KEMP

  An American friend of mine named Max once told me that living with London’s ludicrously high prices was “kind of like living without a limb”—not ideal or especially pleasant, but eventually you kind of adjust. As weird as it is, this is the best analogy on the subject I’ve ever heard.

  I’m not going to lie to you. London is expensive. Very. But you know what? So is college. So are weddings. So are houses. So are kids. And somehow people manage to get through all those stages in life just fine. Yes, sometimes you might have to decide between buying a fantastic Burberry1 raincoat and eating lunch for a month. But believe me when I tell you that living in London will nourish you in its own way.

  I’m a girl with very expensive tastes (I can’t help it, I was born that way). When I came to London, I had zero money but was hardly going to let a meager income cramp my style. I abhorred the idea of conforming to any kind of boring sounding “budget”—but the day I had to turn down a date with a cute British boy because I couldn’t afford to get my highlights done was the day I knew I had better start getting my finances under control. And what I eventually discovered was that a little bit of money with a bunch of creativity is way more amusing than a bunch of money with zero creativity. (At least that’s what I’ll keep telling myself until I finally move into my very own castle.)

  So even though everything in London costs roughly four times more than it should (I’m not joking; a bottle of water is like $8), there are ways to save if you know what you’re doing.

  Fashion & Grooming

  There are no walk-in closets in London, so most Brits make do with a small wooden “wardrobe” crammed into the corner of their already small bedroom. My husband often comments that my wardrobe looks like something in a cartoon because it is literally bursting with items of clothing. (“Do you need me to help you fold some of that?” he often asks me—he was made to fold all his clothes with military standards while at boarding school and apparently some habits never die.) But I never get rid of anything because I actually wear everything! And the fact that I never tire of my clothes is proof of their inherent rightness.

  So here are my tips—because believe me, the one thing worse than being broke is looking broke…

  Conviction and poise come cheap. Your wardrobe does not have to be expensive or contain a single designer label as long as you wear what you have with confidence and grace—both of which cost nothing.

  Never buy anything unless you LOVE it. When you don’t have much money, you should only buy clothing that compels you to press your nose against the shop window and drool.

  Shop in America. As mentioned before, I recommend hitting the US sales every time you go home. Clothes in America are at least 30 percent cheaper than in the UK,2 and you will have the added bonus of owning items no one else in London has.

  Buy classic, timeless pieces. I still wear things that I bought nearly fifteen years ago, and everything in my wardrobe works just as well now as it did a half a century ago. I wear bejeweled cardigans that my grandmother wore in her Mad Men years; I wear my mother’s pleated skirts that she wore in Paris when she was thirteen years old. “Fashion” is forever in a state of flux, but classics stay in style forever. (There is no better example of this than Her Majesty the Queen—HM refuses to submit to the tyranny of fashion trends and never deviates from her fabulous 1950s style.)

  Buy quality. Chinese cashmere is cheaper that Scottish cashmere but will start pilling within weeks. Throwaway fashion from trendy, but scarily cheap stores will be unwearable in a couple of months, not only because the items will literally be falling apart at the seams, but what were once “must have” fashion pieces according to British Vogue now look ridiculous. Buying well-made clothing is better for the environment, better for children in sweatshops, better for your wallet, and better for your wardrobe—everybody wins.

  Take care of your clothes. Yes, my tiny closet if filled to the brim, but I always use padded hangers (never metal) and my sweaters are always stored with protective mothballs.

  Allow yourself to purchase one new fashion item per month—no more, no less. Spend as much as you reasonably can to ensure quality fabric and quality workmanship. If you always choose timeless pieces, you’ll know you will have them for years to come, and if you divide the cost of the item by how many times you will wear it—it’s always a bargain. Compare this to any cheap catwalk-inspired item that you will stop wearing after a month, and the savings are astronomical.

  Check eBay. If you see something you like in a shop but it’s too expensive—look for it on eBay. I’ve bought several brand-new items from J.Crew and L.K. Bennett this way, and the discount is substantial.

  Look in the kids’ department. If you’re not too tall, children’s clothing can be a savvy saver’s dream (e.g., an adult raincoat from Burberry is $1,000; the girl’s size 16 Burberry raincoat is $350).

  In Chapter 3, I mentioned the best London shops for finding classic wardrobe pieces (see page 78)—these stores can be pricey, but the craftsmanship is worth every penny. However, if you are craving some British retail therapy and need something more affordable, I suggest browsing through:

  Joules (colorful, preppy casuals), www.joules.com

  Massimo Dutti (a Spanish brand with a Ralph Lauren feel), www.massimodutti.com

  Do your own nails. English nail salons are atrociously expensive and their standards are subpar. You’re much better off buying a few bottles of nude or clear polish (I like Essie “Sugar Daddy”—it’s very similar to the shade Kate Middleton wore at her engagement photo call)—and taking ten minutes to paint them yourself twice a week. Same applies to your toes (I like Essie “Bordeaux”—the perfect shade of vintage red). Don’t forget to finish with a clear top coat. Not only will your nails look better than any you’ll see on 99 percent of British women—you’ll save about $150 a week! (You can always treat yourself to a professional mani-pedi when you go back to America.)

  When it comes to hair, I follow the same rule I use for nails—if you can, get it done in the US. However, sometimes a girl just can’t wait around for a family wedding as an excuse to go back to America and get her highlights done. Still, I suggest waiting as long as you possibly can between each visit to the salon. If you get fewer, thicker highlights, they’ll look more natural when the roots begin to show, not to mention that usi
ng fewer chemicals is healthier for your hair. I’ve been to what seems like a billion London salons seeking out a colorist whom I trust with my tresses, and I finally found a color team that I can safely recommend: Four London, www.fourlondon.com. They’re based in Mayfair, and the business is owned and operated entirely by women. They do such a great job I only need to go four times a year. PS: Tipping £5–10 is perfectly fine.

  London Transportation

  Parking your car in London costs more than the minimum wage. There are people in London working in McDonald’s who can look out their windows and see parking meters earning more than they do.

  —SIMON EVANS

  The good news is that you absolutely don’t need a car to live in London. Considering that I endured more than sixty hellish hours of UK driving lessons and failed my UK driving test three times before finally passing, this is actually fantastic news. (Even still, the last time I got behind the wheel on the wrong side of the road was the day I passed this aforementioned test.) It will shock you how fast you get over not having a car in your life (and how long it will take you to stop getting into a car on the wrong side).

  The Tube

  London has a wonderful public transport system. Unlike the subway system in Manhattan (which scares the hell out of me), the London Underground (aka “the tube”) is clean, well lit, safe, and easy to understand for people like me who are terrible at reading maps. However, the tube map is not at all to scale, and going underground throws things way out of proportion. (For weeks I was changing trains at Queensway to get to Bayswater when all I had to do was walk ten seconds down the street to get from one to the other.) So when you first arrive in London, try to walk the city as much as you can to get a feel for how the various neighborhoods connect. (But don’t forget to look left when crossing the street!)

  NOTE : If you travel five days a week, it is significantly cheaper to buy an annual travel card rather than a daily, weekly, or monthly ticket—most employers will loan you the cash up front. You also receive a significant discount if you are a full-time student.

  I love commuting by tube, because the people watching is amazing, and unlike driving, which requires exhausting mental concentration, the tube allows you to read or sleep on the way to work. My only advice would be to bring a bottle of water with you on a hot day, have some ballet flats in your bag in case you don’t get a seat, and depending on what time you commute, prepare to get up close and personal. (My friend often jokes that personal space in England simply means that someone is not standing on you.) Always let passengers get off the train before you get on, and always give up your seat to the elderly, the pregnant, and the disabled. Don’t panic when they announce over the intercom that there is “a body under the train.” Apparently, there is at least one suicide per day on the London train network (I blame all that gray weather)—when this fact annoys you more than it disturbs you, you have officially become a true Londoner.

  The tube is also a great venue for feasting your eyes on cute boys. (As ever, keep your eyes peeled for gold signet rings.) That said, I’m head over heels in love with a new website—it’s nothing short of pure genius, and I’m not afraid to say that I vote almost weekly: http://tubecrush.net/. Here you can view page after fantastic page of English guys going about their daily lives—totally unaware of the joy they are bringing to their fellow passengers.

  The Bus

  Taking the bus is even cheaper than taking the tube and only slightly more difficult to navigate. (Many commuters prefer the bus because they can gaze out the window at London’s beautiful scenery rather than gaze across the aisle at the tube’s eclectic passengers.) And you haven’t lived until you’ve experienced a London night bus at least once—sometimes they are parties all unto themselves.

  Note: The number 11 bus is excellent for sightseeing and much cheaper than the “official” red tour buses.

  Taxis

  I believe that it was Jerry Seinfeld who quipped that the only qualification required to become a New York taxi driver is a face. This is not the case for London taxis. You will find that London black cabs are things of beauty—they are clean, have plenty of headroom, all the doors are attached, they can hold up to five people, the drivers always speak English, and—get this—the drivers always know exactly where they are going. This is because all licensed London taxi drivers must pass a test called “The Knowledge” before they are allowed to work behind the wheel. They must memorize 320 routes in and around the capital, as well as all the landmarks and places of interest along these routes. They actually pride themselves on not needing maps—that’s how good they are. The downside is that cabs (especially at night) are expensive. To save money, after a big night out, arrange to split the fare with your friends, and if you don’t all live in the same area, take turns sleeping over at one another’s flat. It’s cheaper, and compared to drunkenly venturing home by yourself at three in the morning, it’s also safer.

  Always emerge from a taxi (or any car for that matter) with your knees together, bringing your legs from the car to the pavement in one swift, graceful motion.

  Mini Cabs

  Do not get into any unlicensed “mini cab”—these drivers will come up to you, point to a normal-looking car, and try to offer you a cheap ride home. When you’re drunk and tired (and broke), taking them up on their offer can be really tempting—but please don’t risk it. Don’t get into a car with a stranger! A safer option is to prearrange a licensed mini cab to pick you up at the end of the night—not only are they cheaper than black cabs, but no hailing is required, because they will be waiting for you when you tumble out the nightclub door.

  My favorite mini cab company is Green Tomato Cars, www.greentomatocars.com. Their fleet is made up entirely of eco-friendly hybrids. It’s nice to know that after hours of damaging your liver, at least you’re not damaging the environment on the way home.

  Going Out

  It is not what we have but what we enjoy that constitutes our abundance.

  —JOHN PETIT-SENN

  In my twenties I made very little money (not to mention I had a mountain of student loans to pay off). Still, every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday night, my friend Hattie and I would head straight to London’s most fashionable nightspots, stroll confidently up to the bar in our best high heels, and order a glass of champagne as if we were dazzling London socialites…

  HOW TO HAVE A FULL NIGHT ON AN ALMOST EMPTY WALLET:

  When it came to nights out in London, my friend Hattie and I had a pact: We would each buy one round of drinks (which meant two drinks each). After that, if guys hadn’t offered to buy us a third drink, we would call it a night, save our money and go home. (Lucky for us, we never had to go home.) I’m categorically not advising you to prostitute yourself for a free martini—but if you’re single and looking for flirtatious fun, there is no point in buying all your own drinks when London is full of cute boys who are perfectly happy and able to buy them for you.

  I’m a big proponent of pre-drinking. I’m not suggesting you arrive at the bar/club slurring, but having an affordable glass (or two) of wine at home means you won’t require expensive cocktails later in the evening. (Note: This only works if you pre-drink in moderation; otherwise you will be too drunk to care if you are buying expensive cocktails later in the evening.)

  Go to every single party you are invited to. Drinks (and sometimes canapés) are free, and you never know where the evening will lead you. It was not uncommon for me to go to a house party, a bar, and a members club in a single evening without paying for a single alcoholic beverage.

  When you are buying the drinks, order drinks without mixers (a flute of champagne, a glass of good wine, a classic martini) for the simple reason that strong, pure drinks last longer. All those fruity cocktails are kind of silly anyway—teach yourself to appreciate the grown-up taste of real liquor—the iciness of imported vodka, the smokiness of single malt scotch, the creaminess of bourbon. Even better, learn to love a perfectly mixed martini.
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  Be thankful for London’s licensing laws. American bars make it all too easy to keep drinking through the night—even if you have to get up for work in the morning. But most pubs and bars in London stop serving alcohol at 11 p.m. This may sound like a downer, but it’s actually a great excuse to catch the last train home,3 get some sleep, stop spending money, and not roll into the office with a hangover. If it’s Friday or Saturday night, you’ll probably want to continue the revelry at another club or late night bar—but at least “last orders” allows you to stop and reassess your evening, meaning there is less of a chance of accidently staying out till two in the morning.

  Never go home with a boy to save money on cab fare. I actually know of girls who have done this, and I think it’s ridiculous. Go home with a boy for any silly reason you want—just don’t make it an economic one.

  Go to the theater! London boasts one of the best theater scenes in the world (many plays start here before heading to Broadway), and getting last-minute standby tickets is surprisingly easy, not to mention one of the better bargains in the city. Personally, I love getting cheap “box seats”—the view is only slightly restricted and you get to sit exactly where the royals were sitting less than a hundred years ago. Of course while I’m up there, I occasionally wave to my “subjects,” pretending that nothing has changed.

  Stay in at least three nights a week—that way you can’t spend money even if you want to. My chosen nights were Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday. Even if I was invited out on these nights, I’d refuse or suggest we reschedule. If it was something I couldn’t possibly turn down, I’d make myself stay in on Wednesday or Thursday to compensate. Not only were these nights my money-saving nights, they were my healthy nights. I’d go to the gym, I’d have a big (cheap) salad for dinner, and not a drop of alcohol would pass my lips.