The Regal Rules for Girls

by Jerramy Fine

  Acquire a GBF (gay best friend) or two. They are always good-looking, always intelligent, and always successful—and you can always count on them to buy you dinner. The downside is you can’t marry them.

  Martinis: James Bond–Style

  “A dry martini,” Bond said. “One. In a deep champagne goblet.” “Oui, monsieur.” “Three measures of Gordon’s, one of vodka, half a measure of Kina Lillet. Shake it very well until it’s ice-cold, then add a large thin slice of lemon peel. Got it?”

  —FROM CASINO ROYALE BY IAN FLEMING

  If you have only one drink per evening, make it a martini. Martinis are ingenious inventions when you think about it. There is simply no other way to down large quantities of neat liquor without looking like a tramp. But pour the fiery concoction into a martini glass? Suddenly drinking straight gin becomes chic and stylish. To the inexperienced palate, it may taste a bit like lighter fluid, but it looks beautiful in the glass and you feel elegant holding it.

  It is widely believed that the best martinis in the world are served at London’s Dukes Hotel—a luxuriously discreet building tucked behind Clarence House and St. James’s Palace. It was at Dukes that James Bond author Ian Fleming came to drink and where Bond’s famous preference to have his martini “shaken, not stirred” was born. (Apparently this request is highly unusual, because shaking the ice actually waters down the drink and alters the flavor of the liquor.)

  Since the first Bond film in 1962, all of the 007s (including the dashing Sean Connery, Roger Moore, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig) have frequented the Dukes Bar.

  Her Majesty the Queen has been known to attend private parties at Dukes (she likes it there because it’s near her house), the late Princess of Wales often came in for tea, and Prince Edward likes to stop by when he’s in the neighborhood. If you want to rub shoulders with royalty, get yourself out of those wet London clothes and into a dry martini. www.dukeshotel.com/

  While a single Dukes martini will last you all night,4 you can easily make your own.

  Here is their world-famous recipe:

  The Dukes Classic Martini

  Both the bottles and the glasses should be kept in the freezer.

  Use premium alcohol only: Smirnoff Black vodka and Bombay Sapphire, Tanqueray, or Greenall’s gin.

  Splash one drop of Martini Bianco (dry) into a frosted martini glass.

  Add two large measures of gin or vodka.

  Cut a 4 centimeter chunk of peel from a lemon. Do not twist it. Instead, snap the peel in half lengthwise, wipe it slowly around the rim of the glass, then slide it into the alcohol. Enjoy.

  Frugal Foodies

  Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to spend a lot to eat well in London. Here are some of my favorite cheap and cheerful places that offer good food and a fun atmosphere at very affordable prices.

  The Giraffe Café. Happy, healthy eating. Great salads, burgers, and cheesecake. www.giraffe.net

  Nando’s Chicken. Portuguese style peri-peri flame-grilled chicken with all the trimmings. Very spicy! Very affordable. www.nandos.co.uk

  Busaba Eathai. Trendy atmosphere, very affordable, and always delicious. (Try the crab pad Thai and the ginger calamari!) www.busaba.com

  Wagamama Noodle Bars. Low prices. Fast service. Fantastically flavorful food. (Try the goyza dumplings and the #43 noodles!) When I was a starving student, I went here at least once a week. www.wagamama.com

  The Churchill Arms. Kensington Church Street, London W8. Wacky atmosphere and extremely affordable. (Try the pad Thai and red duck curry.) Book ahead!

  Still, sometimes a girl needs more than a restaurant and wants a destination. I hear you. If you want to mix with the cool, the hip, and the hungry, these are my picks for the perfect Girls Night Out:

  Ping Pong. Their motto is “Little steamed parcels of deliciousness,” and they certainly deliver. Ping Pong has the best dim sum around, an extremely buzzy atmosphere, and hugely creative cocktails. Super-cheap and super-delicious! Locations all over London. www.pingpongdimsum.com

  Eight Over Eight. Asian tapas, sushi, and sashimi washed down with great cocktails. (Try the crispy crab salad and the frozen berry dessert!) Closest tube: Sloane Square. www.rickerrestaurants.com/

  The Salt Yard. Spanish tapas and wine to die for! Closest tube: Goodge Street. www.saltyard.co.uk

  Bam-Bou. Mouthwatering French-Vietnamese food in a higgledy-piggledy Georgian town house. Make sure to have a pre-dinner cocktail in the glamorous top-floor bar! Closest tubes: Tottenham Court Road or Goodge Street. www.bam-bou.co.uk

  The Botanist. This small, buzzing bar and restaurant right off Sloane Square is literally overflowing with cute boys in tailored suits. An excellent place to wine and dine, while rubbing shoulders with the designer-clad Chelsea set. Thursday nights are the best (and the most rambunctious). Closest tube: Sloane Square. www.thebotanistonsloanesquare.com/

  Anywhere in Lancashire Court. This is one of London’s hidden gems. Not only do you feel like you’re in a Dickens novel once you step into this secret cobblestone mews, but the bars and restaurants are always hopping and filled with flirtatious Bright Young Things. Thursday and Friday nights are best. Especially during nice weather. Closest tube: Bond Street. www.lancashirecourt.com

  Phoning Home

  Although London is still dotted with iconic red “phone boxes”—they are becoming dangerously obsolete since everyone has a “mow-bile.” (Note that “mobile” should rhyme with tile—not with noble.)

  The Carphone Warehouse is an oddly named UK chain that will help you compare and contrast the various phone companies available. Deals change all the time so every twelve months, check your options to see if you should switch providers. Some companies offer free calls to your top three US phone numbers. Others will give you a free 1-800 number that friends and family can use to call you in London if they don’t have international dialing. Ask around and see what’s out there. Don’t forget to use your UK phone as little as humanly possible when back home in the US, as the roaming charges are extortionate.

  Note: Getting a UK landline (and wireless broadband) connected in a new flat can take up to six weeks—so make sure you have alternative means for communication during this time.

  Exercise

  If you live in London, you’re likely to walk at least two to three miles a day—probably more. Want to burn off last night’s Pinot Grigio? All you have to do is make sure you walk up the steps of the escalators rather than stand. This, combined with the UK’s teeny portion sizes, means that it is much easier to stay fit in England than it is in the US (the land of cars and all-you-can-eat buffets).

  Still, all those liquid calories can take their toll, and in an effort to counteract the damage, I shocked myself and joined a gym. I figured it would give me something do on the nights that I forbid myself to go out. (Many UK companies offer discounted rates to their employees, so take advantage of this if you can.)

  However, a monthly gym membership can still be expensive, and it wasn’t long before I had to acknowledge that structured exercise bored me senseless. Knowing I had to try something new, I ventured into a yoga studio. The first time I tried yoga, my arms were literally too weak for downward dog. But I persevered and to my surprise began to like it—a feeling toward physical activity I was certain never to possess. I like yoga because it is so much more than exercise—it’s a philosophy, a way of life, it clears all that chatter in your mind, and it happens to involve amusing animal poses that help me not to be so bored.

  My quest for affordable pay-as-you-go yoga classes led me to one of the best yoga centers in the world: The Life Centre is a sanctuary of tranquility—but they work you hard. After ninety minutes here I feel 90 percent more grounded than I did when I walked in. I can’t recommend it enough. www.thelifecentre.com

  Long to be as toned as royal sister-in-law Pippa Middleton? Her stunning figure has been a talking point since the royal wedding (the girl’s bottom actually trended on Twitter), and now her fi
tness secret is out. Pippa goes to weekly pilates sessions at Pilates on the Go in Fulham’s Parsons Green. You can even see her testimonial on their website. Make sure to request Margo Campbell as an instructor. www.pilatesonthego.co.uk

  If you prefer to exercise outdoors, all London parks offer various fitness classes, which are a great way to get some fresh air and meet people in your area. And if you really want to multi-task getting fit with getting a guy, there are always Scottish dancing events happening somewhere. (See “More Regal Hunting Grounds,” page 169). Still, I must reiterate that Chelsea Harbor Club is by far the best gym for meeting titled talent. www.harbourclubchelsea.com.

  Travel Home

  I’ll never forget the first time I had to fly home after spending my semester abroad in London. I was literally crying at Heathrow Airport, sobbing into the phone and begging my parents to let me stay in this land of my dreams just a little bit longer.

  Yet things were different back then—flights weren’t as cheap as they are now, and many Americans were taught to believe that once they went to Europe, they would most likely never be back again, so best to see as much as you possibly could while you were there. But things have changed. Cheap flights occasionally can be found, and as the world gets smaller and smaller, we’ll find ourselves zigzagging across the oceans more and more.

  Still, nothing is worse than trying to book your flight home and trawling through hundreds of travel sites trying to find something vaguely affordable—it makes me dizzy, and the longer I spend looking, the more expensive the flights become! But then I found Trailfinders, a travel agency that always manages to find the cheapest US flight available even if you’re going to a tiny American town no one has ever heard of (www.trailfinders.com). One phone call—and you’re done.

  Don’t forget to join the frequent flier program of each airline you ever take—if you live in the UK long enough, one day all those extra miles will come in handy.

  Dilemmas of Downsizing

  A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never quite sure.

  —LEE SEGALL

  One thing that living in London teaches you is that Americans have way, way too much. They have too many cars, too many rooms in their houses, and too many things in each room. Because England is such a minuscule country and it contains so many people, you quickly learn to downsize your life into a smaller space. In the beginning it’s annoying and all you can do is grumble about how much space you used to have, but eventually the minimalist lifestyle begins to grow on you. And the upside of having no car and less space is that your spending is automatically curtailed.

  The Fridge/Freezer Dilemma

  So your fridge is the size of a small television and you probably share it with three other people. The good news? When you go grocery shopping (Waitrose is best in terms of quality, price, and ethical standards), you literally can only buy what fits on your designated refrigerator shelf. Because you didn’t drive to the grocery store, you literally can only buy items that you are physically strong enough to carry home with you. In reality, it was the latter that restrained my shopping more than anything. I’m not exactly Hercules, so lightweight food (asparagus, raspberries, dark chocolate) always took priority over heavier things like ice cream and potatoes. I may have been dying for a piece of cheesecake or chicken pot pie—but I knew I didn’t have the storage space to bring a family size home with me (nor did I have the strength to carry one!). No freezer (warning: most UK flats have no freezer!) to store things meant I could only buy fresh food—which forced me to plan my weekly menus carefully and pay close attention to expiration dates. So something as simple as a small kitchen appliance forced me not to overbuy, overeat, and overspend—and in that way, it taught me not to be wasteful—something all those American shoppers with gigantic refrigerators probably will never learn in their lifetime.

  The Washing Machine/Dryer Dilemma

  So your washing machine is so tiny you sometimes wonder if you’d be better off washing your clothes in a mixing bowl? Not to mention that there is no dryer to speak of and you are expected to hang all of your wet clothing on hot radiators (that fill the already damp house with steam) or on pioneer-style drying racks? I promise you it’s not as depressing as it sounds—once you get used to it. As much as I love US washing facilities (mainly because they’re so large I can fit inside them), using that much energy and doing that much laundry (especially as a singleton) is simply not necessary (or environmentally viable). Back in college I was the type of girl who would occasionally buy more underwear5 to avoid doing laundry—but let’s not talk about that since this is supposed to be about ideas for saving. But living in the UK taught me to embrace hand washing in a way that would make my grandmother proud. You don’t have to scrub your clothes against a washboard or anything grueling like that; all you have to do is fill the sink with water, pop in a capful of delicate detergent, and throw in your items. Let them soak while you are in the shower and then rinse them clean. Now that I say it, it really is like doing your laundry in a sink-shaped mixing bowl—but much safer since UK washing machines usually turn your clothes gray. (Also, beware of machines that claim to be washers and dryers into one—they neither clean nor dry.) I only risk my gym clothes, sheets, and pajamas in that weird UK appliance—everything else is hand-washed or, occasionally, dry-cleaned.

  You’ll find that because there are no dryers and clothes don’t come out soft and wrinkle-free, the Brits are obsessed with ironing. They all iron their sheets (and will gasp in horror if you admit that you don’t iron yours)—and I have personally witnessed several flatmates iron their jeans and underwear. I’m sorry, but that’s where I draw the line. Luckily, cashmere and tweed don’t require ironing.

  A Girl’s Flat Is Her Castle

  Some people think luxury is the opposite of poverty. It is not. It is the opposite of vulgarity.

  —COCO CHANEL

  A few months after I arrived in London, polo invitations weren’t exactly pouring into my hands as I’d hoped. I had no social life, my money was dwindling at a terrifying speed, and I honestly felt that I had nothing to do but sit in my dark London bedroom, repaint my toenails, recalculate my debt, and die of frustration.

  And the craziest part was that I was absolutely miserable in the place I was certain would make me the happiest.

  Still, if you know me at all—you’ll know that I am not easily daunted. After a few days of feeling sorry for myself, I’d had enough. When it comes to your surroundings, sometimes the smallest luxuries are all it takes to make a girl feel more like a princess than a pauper. Many of these are what I like to call “palace essentials”—which basically means you need to ask yourself what Queen Elizabeth I would insist upon to brighten the dreary rooms of her palaces. So here are seven small…

  WAYS TO MAKE YOUR LIFE MORE REGAL:

  Fresh flowers. It sounds crazy, but I truly believe that in the fast-moving chaos of London life, stopping to observe the beauty of a fresh flower can help connect us (however briefly) to the noble beauty in ourselves.6 So I went to Urban Outfitters, bought a simple glass bud vase, and every fortnight (that’s Brit talk for “two weeks”) thereafter, I’d purchase a single white rose or a small bunch of alstroemeria—both of which have a long-lasting vase life of up to fourteen days. (Avoid tulips—they may be inexpensive but they wilt quickly. And never have artificial flowers—they get dusty, usually look cheap, and, according to the principles of feng shui—symbolize lifelessness.)

  Good coffee. Forget buying coffee in London; finding rich, American-style java (much less unlimited refills) is simply impossible and there is no point paying a fortune (up to $9 a cup!) for espresso at any of the various chains. If I gave up my coffee for a year, I’d probably be able to cover a month’s rent—but I’d be far too grumpy to care! So I did what any girl would do—I bought a cheap French coffee press and then went to Wedgwood to purchase a single china coffee cup. Using grounds brought over in my suitcase from the US, I mad
e my own coffee every morning. I may not have known what the rest of my London day was going to be like, but at least I could guarantee that for those few perfect sips, the world was as it should be. (I realize that Queen Elizabeth I technically drank a mug of ale in the morning, but the sentiment still applies. So stay with me.)

  Velvet cushions. One or two is all it takes to make a dull room feel more sumptuous. John Lewis has a great selection of plush jewel tones—I even managed to find one emblazoned with a royal crest.

  A good candle. Choose something slow-burning, with a regal aroma (Diptyque is my favorite).

  Music from the Tudor Courts. Historic Royal Palaces has a huge range. I listen to “Crowns & Coronations” or “Henry VIII: Heads & Hearts” (don’t laugh) at least once a week—I can always count on theses ethereal CDs to soothe me back to my natural state of royal calm. www.historicroyalpalaces.com/cds-and-dvds/cd-s.html

  Quality perfume. Queen Elizabeth I liked rose and lavender water, but I prefer Chanel.

  Quality chocolate. (At least 60 percent cocoa solids.)7 Elizabethan England used chocolate purely for medicinal purposes, and I think it’s fair for you to do the same.

  Converting

  Converting British sterling to American dollars is never a pleasant experience. It only works in your favor if you’re earning pounds and spending dollars—not vice versa. But if you’re earning dollars and spending pounds, it’s best if you know the most up-to-date exchange rate. So bookmark the following on your computer or buy the app. Oanda is the most accurate converter I’ve found so far and the most user-friendly. www.oanda.com/currency/converter

  British Banks

  Feel the thrill of totting up a balanced book A thousand ciphers neatly in a row! When gazing at a graph that shows the profits up Your little cup of joy should overflow