Three Plays

by Alan Ayckbourn

  [EVA clings to the pad. GEOFFREY shrugs, moves away, then turns and looks at her]

  You all right? You’re still in your dressing-gown, did you know? Eva? Are you still thinking about this morning? I phoned you at lunch, you know. Were you out? Eva? Oh, come on, darling, we talked it over, didn’t we? We were up till four o’clock this morning talking it over. You agreed. You did more than agree. I mean, it was your idea. And you’re right. Believe me, darling, you were right. We can’t go on. Sooner or later one of us has got to do something really positive for once in our lives–for both our sakes. And it’s absolutely true that the best thing that could happen to you and me, at this point in our lives, is for me to go and live with Sally. You were absolutely right. You know, I was thinking on the way home–I nipped in for a quick one, that’s why I’m a bit late–I was thinking, this could actually work out terribly well. If we’re adult about it, I mean. Don’t behave like lovesick kids or something. Sally and I will probably get somewhere together–and by that time you’ll probably have got yourself fixed up–we could still see each other, you know. What I’m really saying is, let’s not go through all that nonsense – all that good-bye, I never want to see you again bit. Because I do want to see you again. I always will. I mean, five years. We’re not going to throw away five years, are we? Eva? Eva, if you’re sitting there blaming yourself for this in any way, don’t. It’s me, love, it’s all me. It’s just I’m–okay, I’m weak, as you put it. I’m unstable. It’s something lacking in me, I know. I mean, other men don’t have this trouble. Other men can settle down and be perfectly happy with one woman for the rest of their lives. And that’s a wonderful thing. Do you think I don’t envy that? [Banging the table] God, how I envy them that. I mean, do you really think I enjoy living out my life like some sexual Flying Dutchman? Eva, please–please try and see my side just a little, will you? Look, it’s Christmas Eve. The day after Boxing Day, I promise–I’ll just clear everything of mine that you don’t need out of the flat. That way, you can forget I even existed, if that’s what you want. But can’t we try, between us to make the next couple of days … [He breaks off] Did I say it’s Christmas Eve? Haven’t we got some people coming round? Yes, surely we … What time did we ask them for? [He looks at his watch] Oh, my God. You didn’t remember to put them off by any chance, did you? No. Well then … Have we got anything to drink in the house? Apart from this? [He holds up the bottle of scotch] Oh well, we’ll have that for a start. Now then … [He finds a tray, puts it on the table and puts the scotch bottle on the table] What else have we got? [He rummages in the cupboards] Brandy. That’ll do. Bottle of coke. Aha, what’s this? Tonic wine? Who’s been drinking tonic wine? Is that you? Eva? Oh, for heaven’s sake, Eva–you’ve made your point, now snap out of it, will you? We have lots of people coming round who were due five minutes ago. Now come on … [He looks at her and sighs] O.K. I get the message. O.K. There is no help or co-operation to be expected from you tonight, is that it? All systems shut down again, have they? All right. All right. It won’t be the first time–don’t worry. [He returns to his hunt for bottles] I mean it’s not as if you’re particularly famous as a gracious hostess, is it? It hasn’t been unheard of for you to disappear to bed in the middle of a party and be found later reading a book. [Producing a couple more bottles – gin and sherry] I should think our friends will be a little disappointed if you do put in an appearance. [Finding an assortment of glasses] When, I say our friends, perhaps I should say yours. I will remind you that, so far as I can remember, all the people coming tonight come under the heading of your friends and not mine. And if I’m left to entertain them tonight because you choose to opt out, I shall probably finish up being very, very rude to them. Is that clear? Right. You have been warned. Yes, I know. You’re very anxious, aren’t you, that I should go and work for the up and coming Mr. Hopcroft? So is up and coming Mr. Hopcroft. But I can tell you both, here and now, I have no intention of helping to perpetrate his squalid little developments. What I lack in morals–I make up in ethics. [GEOFFREY stamps out into the sitting-room with the tray] [Off, as GEORGE starts barking again] George–no, this is not for you. Get down, I said get down. [There is a crash as of a bottle coming off the tray] Oh, really – this damn dog–get out of it …

  [GEOFFREY returns with a couple of old coffee-cups which he puts in the sink]

  That room is like a very untidy cesspit. [He finds a dish cloth] One quick drink, that’s all they’re getting. Then it’s happy Christmas and out they bloody well go.

  [GEOFFREY goes out again. He takes with him the dish cloth]

  [EVA opens her notepad and continues with her note]

  [GEOFFREY returns. He still has the cloth. In the other hand he has a pile of bits of broken dog biscuit]

  Half-chewed biscuit. Why does he only chew half of them, can you tell me that? [He deposits the bits in the waste bin. He is about to exit again, then pauses] Eva? Eva – I’m being very patient. Very patient indeed. But in a minute I really do believe I‘m going to lose my temper. And we know what happens then, don’t we? I will take a swing at you and then you will feel hard done by, and by way of reprisal, will systematically go round and smash everything in the flat. And come tomorrow breakfast time, there will be the familiar sight of the three of us, you, me and George, trying to eat our meals off our one surviving plate. Now, Eva, please …

  [The doorbell rings. GEORGE starts barking]

  Oh, my God. Here’s the first of them. [Calling] George. Now, Eva, go to bed now, please. Don’t make things any more embarrassing. [As he goes out] George, will you be quiet.

  [GEOFFREY goes out. The door closes. Silence]

  [EVA opens her notepad, finishes her note and tears it out. She pushes the clutter on the table to one side slightly. She goes to a drawer and produces a kitchen knife. She returns to the table and pins the note forcibly to it with the knife. She goes to the window]

  [GEOFFREY returns]

  [Barking and chattering are heard in the background – two voices. EVA stands motionless, looking out]

  [Calling back] He’s all right. He’s quite harmless. Bark’s worse than his bite. [He closes the door] It would be the bloody Hopcrofts, wouldn’t it. Didn’t think they’d miss out. And that lift’s broken down, would you believe it. [Finding a bottle-opener in a drawer] Every Christmas. Every Christmas, isn’t it? Eva, come on, love, for heaven’s sake.

  [GEOFFREY goes out, closing the door]

  [EVA opens the window. She inhales the cold fresh air. After a second, she climbs uncertainly on to the window ledge. She stands giddily, staring down and clutching on to the frame]

  [The door opens, chatter, GEOFFREY returns, carrying a glass]

  [Calling behind him] I’ll get you a clean one, I‘m terribly sorry. I‘m afraid the cook’s on holiday. [He laughs]

  [The Hopcrofts’ laughter is heard. GEOFFREY closes the door]

  Don’t think we can have washed these glasses since the last party. This one certainly didn’t pass the Jane Hopcroft Good Housekeeping Test, anyway. [He takes a dish cloth from the sink and wipes the glass rather casually] I sometimes think that woman must spend … Eva! What are you doing?

  [EVA, who is now feeling sick with vertigo, moans]

  Eva! Eva – that’s a good girl. Down. Come down – come down – that’s a good girl – down. Come on … [He reaches Eva] That’s it. Easy. Come on, I‘ve got you. Down you come. That’s it.

  [He eases EVA gently back into the room. She stands limply. He guides her inert body to a chair]

  Come on, sit down here. That’s it. Darling, darling, what were you trying to do? What on earth made you want to …? What was the point of that, what were you trying to prove? I mean … [He sees the note and the knife for the first time] What on earth’s this? [He reads it] Oh, no. Eva, you mustn’t think of … I mean, what do you mean, a burden to everyone? Who said you were a burden? I never said you were a burden … [During the above, EVA picks up the bread-knife, looks at it, then
at one of the kitchen drawers. She rises, unseen by GEOFFREY, crosses to the drawer and, half opening it, wedges the knife inside so the point sticks out. She measures out a run and turns to face the knife. GEOFFREY, still talking, is now watching her absently. EVA works up speed and then takes a desperate run at the point of the knife. GEOFFREY, belatedly realizing what she’s up to, rushes forward, intercepts her and re-seats her]

  Eva, now, for heaven’s sake! Come on … [He studies her nervously] Look, I’m going to phone the doctor. I’ll tell him you’re very upset and overwrought. [He backs away and nearly impales himself on the knife. He grabs it] He can probably give you something to calm you down a bit.

  [The doorbell rings]

  Oh God, somebody else. Now, I’m going to phone the doctor. I’ll just be two minutes, all right? Now, you sit there. Don’t move, just sit there like a good girl. [Opening the door and calling off] Would you mind helping yourselves? I just have to make one phone call …

  [GEOFFREY goes out]

  [Silence. EVA finishes another note. A brief one. She tears it out and weights it down, this time with a tin of dog food which happens to be on the table. She gazes round, surveying the kitchen. She stares at the oven. She goes to it and opens it, looking inside thoughtfully. She reaches inside and removes a casserole dish, opens the lid, wrinkles her nose and carries the dish to the draining-board. Returning to the oven, she removes three shelves and various other odds and ends that seem to have accumulated in there. It is a very dirty oven. She looks at her hands, now grimy, goes to the kitchen drawer and fetches a nearly clean tea towel. Folding it carefully, she lays it on the floor of the oven. She lies down and sticks her head inside, as if trying it for size. She is apparently dreadfully uncomfortable. She wriggles about to find a satisfactory position]

  [The door opens quietly and JANE enters]

  [The hubbub outside has now died down to a gentle murmur so not much noise filters through. JANE carries rather carefully two more glasses she considers dirty. She closes the door. She looks round the kitchen but sees no-one. She crosses, rather furtively, to the sink and rinses the glasses. EVA throws an oven tray on to the floor with a clatter. JANE, startled, takes a step back and gives a little squeak. EVA, equally startled, tries to sit up in the oven and hits her head with a clang on the remaining top shelf]

  JANE: Mrs Jackson, are you all right? You shouldn’t be on the cold floor in your condition, you know. You should be in bed. Surely? Here …

  [She helps EVA to her feet and steers her back to the table] Now, you sit down here. Don’t you worry about that oven now. That oven can wait. You clean it later. No point in damaging your health for an oven, is there? Mind you, I know just what you feel like, though. You suddenly get that urge, don’t you? You say, I must clean that oven if it kills me. I shan’t sleep, I shan’t eat till I’ve cleaned that oven. It haunts you. I know just that feeling. I’ll tell you what I’ll do. Never say I’m not a good neighbour – shall I have a go at it for you? How would that be? Would you mind? I mean, it’s no trouble for me. I quite enjoy it, actually – and you’d do the same for me, wouldn’t you? Right. That’s settled. No point in wasting time, let’s get down to it. Now then, what are we going to need? Bowl of water, got any oven cleaner, have you? Never mind, we’ll find it – I hope you’re not getting cold, you look very peaky. [Hunting under the sink] Now then, oven cleaner? Have we got any? Well, if we haven’t, we’ll just have to use our old friend Mr. Vim, won’t we? [She rummages]

  [The door opens. GEOFFREY enters and goes to EVA. Conversation is heard in the background]

  GEOFFREY: Darling, listen, it looks as if I’ve got … [Seeing JANE] Oh.

  JANE: Hallo, there.

  GEOFFREY: Oh, hallo–anything you–want?

  JANE: I’m just being a good neighbour, that’s all. Have you by any chance got an apron I could borrow?

  GEOFFREY: [rather bewildered, pointing to the chair] Er–yes–there.

  JANE: Oh, yes. [Putting it on] Couldn’t see it for looking.

  GEOFFREY: Er–what are you doing?

  JANE: Getting your oven ready for tomorrow, that’s what I’m doing.

  GEOFFREY: For what?

  JANE: For your Christmas dinner. What else do you think for what?

  GEOFFREY: Yes, well, are you sure …?

  JANE: Don’t you worry about me. [She bustles around singing loudly, collecting cleaning things and a bowl of water]

  GEOFFREY: [over this, irritated] Oh. Darling – Eva, look I’ve phoned the doctor but he’s not there. He’s apparently out on a call somewhere and the fool of a woman I spoke to has got the address and no number. It’ll be quicker for me to try and catch him there than sitting here waiting for him to come back. Now, I’ll be about ten minutes, that’s all. You’ll be all right, will you?

  JANE: Don’t you fret. I’ll keep an eye on her. [She puts on a rubber glove]

  GEOFFREY: Thank you. [He studies the immobile EVA. On a sudden inspiration, crosses to the kitchen drawer and starts taking out the knives. He scours the kitchen, gathering up the sharp implements]

  [JANE watches him, puzzled]

  [By way of explanation] People downstairs are having a big dinner party. Promised to lend them some stuff.

  JANE: Won’t they need forks?

  GEOFFREY: No. No forks. They’re Muslims. [As he goes to the door] Ten minutes.

  [The doorbell rings]

  JANE: There’s somebody.

  GEOFFREY: The Brewster-Wrights, probably.

  JANE: Oh …

  [GEOFFREY goes out, the dog barking as he does so, until the door is closed]

  Hark at that dog of yours. Huge, isn’t he? like a donkey–huge. Do you know what Dick’s bought him? Dick Potter? He’s bought George a Christmas present. One of those rubber rings. You know the ones you throw in the air. One of those. He loves it. He’s been running up and down your hallway out there – Dick throwing it, him trying to catch it. But he’s really wonderful with dogs, Dick. He really understands them. Do you know he nearly became a dog handler only he didn’t have his proper eyesight. But he knows how to treat them. Doesn’t matter what sort of dog it is … He knows all their ways. [Turning to the oven] Now then – oh, this is going to be a big one, isn’t it? Dear oh dear. Never mind. Where there’s a will. [Removing the tea towel from the oven] You haven’t been trying to clean it with this, have you? You’ll never clean it with this. Good old elbow grease – that’s the way. [She sets to work, her head almost inside the oven] Shall I tell you something – Sidney would get so angry if he heard me saying this – but I’d far sooner be down here on the floor, on my knees in the oven – than out there, talking. Isn’t that terrible. But I’m never at ease, really, at parties. I don’t enjoy drinking, you see. I’d just as soon be out here, having a natter with you. [She starts to sing cheerily as she works, her voice booming round the oven]

  [During this, EVA rises, opens the cupboard, pulls out a tin box filled with first-aid things and searches through the contents. Eventually, she finds a white cylindrical cardboard pill box which is what she’s looking for. She goes to the sink with it and runs herself a glass of water. She opens the box, takes out a couple of small tablets and puts the box back on the draining-board. She swallows one tablet with a great deal of difficulty and water. The same with the second. She leaves the tap running, pulls the cotton-wool out of the box – and the rest of the pills rattle down the drain. EVA tries desperately to save some with her finger before they can disappear, turning off the tap. This proving ineffective, she tries with a fork]

  [The door opens. Barking and chatter are heard. SIDNEY enters]

  SIDNEY: Hallo, hallo. Where’s everyone gone then … [Seeing JANE] Dear oh dear. I just can’t believe it. I just can’t believe my eyes. You can’t be at it again. What are you doing?

  JANE: She’s under the weather. She needs a hand.

  SIDNEY: Do you realize that’s your best dress?

  JANE: Oh, bother my best dress.


  SIDNEY: Mr and Mrs Brewster-Wright have arrived, you know. Ron and Marion. I hope they don’t chance to see you down there. [Turning to EVA who is still fishing rather half-heartedly with the fork] And what’s the trouble over here, eh? Can I help – since it seems to be in fashion this evening? [SIDNEY takes the fork from EVA and seats her in her chair] Now. I’ll give you a little tip, if you like. You’ll never get a sink unblocked that way. Not by wiggling a fork about in it, like that. That’s not the way to unblock a sink, now, is it? All you’ll do that way, is to eventually take the chrome off your fork and possibly scratch the plug hole. Not the way. Let’s see now … [He runs the tap for a second and watches the water running away] Yes. It’s a little on the sluggish side. Just a little. But it’ll get worse. Probably a few tea-leaves, nothing more. Let’s have a look, shall we? [He opens the cupboard under the sink] Ten to one, this is where your troubles lie. Ah-ha. It’s a good old-fashioned one, isn’t it? Need the wrench for that one.