Three Plays

by Alan Ayckbourn

  JANE: He’ll soon fix that for you, won’t you, Sidney?

  SIDNEY: Brace of shakes. Shake of braces as we used to say in the Navy. I’ve got the tools. Down in the car. No trouble at all. [He turns to EVA] Nothing serious. All it is, you see – where the pipe bends under the sink there – they call that the trap. Now then. [He takes out a pencil] I’ll show you. Always useful to know. Paper? [He picks up EVA’S latest suicide note] This is nothing vital, is it …? Now then [He glances curiously at it, then turns it over and starts to draw his diagram on the back] Now – here’s your plug hole, do you see, here – if I can draw it – and this is your pipe coming straight down and then almost doubling back on itself like that, for a second, you see? Then it runs away here, to the drain …

  JANE: You want to know anything, you ask Sidney …

  SIDNEY: And this little bit here’s the actual drain trap. And all you have to do is get it open and out it all comes. Easy when you know. Now I suppose I’ll have to walk down four flights for my tools. [He screws up the paper and throws it away. At the door] Now, don’t worry. Lottie’s keeping them entertained at the moment and Dick’s busy with George, so everybody’s happy, aren’t they?

  [SIDNEY opens the door and goes out. We hear LOTTIE’S laughter and the dog barking distantly for a moment before the door closes]

  JANE: It’s at times like this you’re glad of your friends, aren’t you? [She goes at the oven with fresh vigour, singing cheerily]

  [During the above EVA writes another brief note and places it in a prominent position on the table. She now rises and goes to a chair where there is a plastic washing basket filled with clean but unironed clothes. Coiled on top is a washing line. She returns to the table. JANE, emerging for fresh water, catches sight of her]

  Sorting out your laundry? You’re a terror, aren’t you? You’re worse than me. [She returns to her oven and resumes her song] [EVA begins to pull the washing line from the basket. She finds one end and ties it in a crude noose. She tests the effectiveness of this on one wrist and, satisfied, pulls the rest of the rope from the basket. Every foot or so is a plastic clothes peg which she removes]

  I think I’m beginning to win through. I think I’m down to the metal, anyway, that’s something. There’s about eight layers on here.

  [EVA comes across a pair of knickers and two pairs of socks still pegged to the line. She removes these and replaces them in the basket]

  There’s something stuck on the bottom here like cement. You haven’t had cement for dinner lately, have you? [She laughs]

  [EVA now stands with her clothes line gazing at the ceiling. There are two light fittings and her eyes rest on the one immediately above the table. She crosses to the door, clicks a switch and just this one goes out]

  Whooo! Where was Moses …? What’s happened? Bulb gone, has it? Well get Sidney to fix that when he comes back. Keep him on the go. [She returns to the oven again, changing her tune to something suitable like “Dancing in the Dark”]

  [EVA climbs first on to a chair then on to the table holding her rope. She removes the bulb and shade in one from the socket and places them on the table at her feet. She is beginning to yawn more and more frequently and is obviously beginning to feel the effect of the sleeping pills. Swaying slightly, she starts to tie the rope round the flex above the holder. This proves a difficult operation since she has far too much rope for the job. She finally manages a knot which loosely encircles the flex. She gives the rope a gentle tug – it holds. She tries again. It still remains in position. She gives it a third tug for luck. The rope slides down the flex as far as the bulb-holder and promptly pulls this away from the wires. The holder clatters on to the table and she is left clutching the rope. She stands swaying more pronouncedly now, a faint look of desperation on her face]

  [RONALD enters. Behind him we hear LOTTIE POTTER’S laughter and, more distant, a dog barking]

  RONALD: Now then, how’s our little invalid getting … [Seeing EVA] Oh, good God. [He dashes forward and steadies EVA] My dear girl, what on earth are you doing up there?

  JANE: [emerging from her oven] Oh, no. She’s a real terror, you know. [She goes to assist RONALD in helping EVA off the table and back on to a chair] She can’t keep still for a minute. [Reprovingly to EVA] You could have hurt yourself up there, you silly thing.

  [RONALD folds up the rope, which is looped round EVA’S wrist, and leaves it in her hand]

  RONALD: Lucky I …

  JANE: Yes, it was.

  RONALD: I mean. What was she trying to do?

  JANE: Bulb’s gone.

  RONALD: [looking up] Yes, so it has. Well, you could have asked me to do that, you know. I’m no handyman but even I can change a bulb.

  [SIDNEY enters with a large bag of tools. Behind him we hear LOTTIE’S laughter and a dog barking]

  SIDNEY: Here we are, back again. I’ve brought everything, just in case. Everything except the kitchen sink and that’s already here, eh? [He laughs]

  RONALD: What? Oh, yes. Very good.

  JANE: [amused] Except the kitchen sink. Honestly.

  SIDNEY: [noticing the light] Hallo, hallo. More trouble? [He puts the tool bag by the sink]

  RONALD: Nothing much. Just a bulb gone.

  SIDNEY: You’ve lost more than a bulb, by the look of it. You’ve lost the whole fitting.

  RONALD: Good gracious me. So we have. Look at that.

  SIDNEY: Just the bare wires, you see.

  RONALD: Yes. There’s no thingummyjig.

  JANE: Just the wires, aren’t there?

  SIDNEY: Don’t like the look of that.

  RONALD: No.

  JANE: No.

  SIDNEY: I mean, if that was to short across like it is …

  RONALD: Yes.

  JANE: Yes.

  SIDNEY: You could finish up with a fuse, or a fire …

  RONALD: Or worse.

  JANE: Worse.

  SIDNEY: I mean, you’ve only got to be carrying, say, for instance, a pair of aluminium steps across the room and you happen accidentally to knock against the wires, electricity would be conducted down the steps and straight into you. Natural earth, you see. Finish.

  RONALD: I suppose that would go for a very tall man in, say, a tin hat, eh? [He laughs]

  SIDNEY: True, true. Not so probable. But true.

  JANE: Lucky it’s not the war time.

  SIDNEY: Oh, yes. In certain cases, one touch could be fatal.

  RONALD: Better fix it, I suppose.

  SIDNEY: I’d advise it. Going to have a go, are you?

  RONALD: Well – I don’t know. Looks a bit technical for me.

  SIDNEY: Oh, no. Very simple. Nothing to it. Look, you’ve got your two wires coming down … Look, I’ll draw it for you. [He whips out his pencil again and, searching for a piece of paper, picks up EVA’s suicide note. With a casual glance at it] Nothing important this, is it? [Without waiting for a reply, he turns it over and starts to sketch]

  [EVA stares – fascinated]

  You’ve got your two wires coming down here, you see – like that. They go through the top of the plug, here – excuse the drawing, and then they just screw in to the little holes on the prongs, you see? Tighten your grubs. Screw your top to your bottom and away you go.

  RONALD: Let there be light.

  SIDNEY: Exactly.

  [EVA scrawls another note]

  RONALD: Oh, well, that looks – simple enough. [He still seems doubtful]

  SIDNEY: Right. I’ll get you a screwdriver and I’ll get going on the sink. [Opening his tool bag] Now then, let’s get you fixed up. What’ve we got here? [He rummages through his tools, taking out a screwdriver and a spare fitting]

  RONALD: Good gracious. What a collection.

  SIDNEY: This is just the set I keep in the car.

  RONALD: Really? Get a lot of trouble with it, do you?

  [During the above EVA climbs slowly on to her chair, steps on to the table and reaches out with both hands towards the bare wires. JANE, who
has returned to her oven, turns in time to see her]

  JANE: Watch her!

  SIDNEY: Hey-hey …

  RONALD: Hoy …

  [All three of them run, grab EVA and pull her back in the chair]

  SIDNEY: They might have been live.

  RONALD: Yes. [A thought] Might they?

  SIDNEY: Yes.

  RONALD: Well, how do we know they’re not?

  SIDNEY: Check the switches first.

  RONALD: Yes, well, don’t you think we’d better? I mean, I’m going to be the one who …

  SIDNEY: [striding to the door] Check the switches, by all means. [SIDNEY plays with both switches, plunging the room into darkness a couple of times]

  JANE: [During this, still with EVA] She’s got a charmed life, honestly. The sooner that doctor gets here …

  RONALD: He’ll fix her up.

  JANE: He’d better.

  SIDNEY: [completing his check] Yes, all safe. [He takes off his jacket and puts it over the back of a chair]

  RONALD: Ah.

  SIDNEY: Should be, anyway. Unless they’ve put this switch on upside down, of course.

  RONALD: How do we know they haven’t?

  SIDNEY: Well, you’ll be the first to find out, won’t you? [He roars with mirth]

  JANE: [equally tickled] You’ll be the first …

  [RONALD is less amused]

  SIDNEY: Well, let’s get down to it, shall we?

  RONALD: [gazing at the light] Yes.

  SIDNEY: Each to his own. [He starts work under the sink]

  JANE: Each to his own. [She returns to the oven]

  [They prepare for their various tasks]

  This is coming up a treat.

  SIDNEY: Ought to get–er–Marion out here, eh? Find her something to do.

  RONALD: [clearing the things off the table] No–no. I don’t think she’d contribute very much. Probably better off with the Potters. Matter of fact, she’s just a bit–on her pins. You know what I mean.

  SIDNEY: Ah, well. Christmas.

  JANE: If you can’t do it at Christmas …

  SIDNEY: Once a year, eh?

  RONALD: Not in my wife’s case. Festive season recurs rather more frequently. Every three or four days.

  SIDNEY: [under the sink] Ah-ha! You’re going to be a tricky little fellow, aren’t you? Nobody’s opened you since you were last painted.

  [SIDNEY clatters under the sink. JANE scrubs cheerfully on. RONALD sets to work, standing on the table and on EVA’s latest note. He tackles his own particular job extremely slowly and with many false starts. He is not particularly electrically-minded. EVA attempts, under the following, to rescue her note from under RONALD’s feet. It rips. She scrawls another rapidly]

  RONALD: Must be pretty pleased with your year, I should imagine.

  SIDNEY: Beg pardon?

  RONALD: Had a good year. Must be pretty pleased.

  SIDNEY: Oh, yes. Had a few lucky hunches. Seemed to pay off.

  RONALD: I should say so.

  SIDNEY: Mustn’t complain, anyway.

  JANE: No. Mustn’t complain.

  SIDNEY: As long as you’re looking after our money. Eh?

  [He laughs]

  RONALD: Oh, yes. Yes.

  [They work. SIDNEY whistles. RONALD hums. JANE sings. Occasionally, the workers break off their respective melodies to make those sounds that people make when wrestling with inanimate objects. “Come on, you little … Just one more … get in, get in, etc.” During this EVA, having finished her note, sees SIDNEY’s bag of tools. Unseen by the others, she goes to the bag and removes a lethal-looking tin of paint stripper. Also a hammer and a nail. She nails her latest note to the table with the hammer which she leaves on the table. Turning her attention to the paint stripper, she tries to get the top off. It is very stiff. She struggles vainly, then goes to the room door, intending to use it as a vice]

  [At this moment MARION enters]

  [EVA is pushed behind the door, and, as it swings shut, she clings to the handle and falls across the floor. While the door is open the dog barks and raised voices are heard]

  MARION: [holding a gin bottle and glass] I say–something rather ghastly’s happened.

  RONALD: [concentrating hard] Oh, yes?

  MARION: Goodness! Don’t you all look busy? Darling, what are you doing up there?

  [EVA tries to open the bottle with the walk-in cupboard door]

  RONALD: Oh, just a little light electrical work or should I say a little electrical light work? [He laughs]

  SIDNEY: Electrical light work. [He laughs]

  JANE: Electrical light work. [She laughs]

  SIDNEY: I like that – yes …

  MARION: Yes, very funny, darling. Now do come down, please, before you blow us all up. You know absolutely nothing about that sort of thing at all.

  RONALD: I don’t know …

  MARION: Absolutely nothing.

  RONALD: I fixed that bottle lamp with a cork in it, didn’t I?

  MARION: Yes, darling, and we all had to sit round admiring it while the lampshade burst into flames.

  [EVA goes to the toolbag for a screwdriver]

  RONALD: [irritably] That was entirely the fault of the bloody lampshade.

  MARION: I was terrified. The whole thing was an absolute death trap. I had to give it to the Scouts for jumble.

  SIDNEY: What was the trouble?

  MARON: It was like modern sculpture. Bare wires sticking out at extraordinary angles.

  [EVA goes and sits down in a corner]

  SIDNEY: No. I meant when you came in.

  MARION: Oh, yes. What was it? Something awful. [She remembers] Oh, yes. I came for help, that’s right. That dog …

  JANE: George?

  MARION: Is that his name – George – yes. Well, he’s just bitten that Potter man in the leg.

  JANE: Oh, dear.

  MARION: Terribly nasty. Right through his trousers. Of course, it was entirely his fault. I mean, he was leaping about being desperately hearty with the poor animal till it had froth simply foaming from its jowls and didn’t know where it was.

  JANE: Oh, dear, are they …

  SIDNEY: Yes, what are they …?

  MARION: Well, I think they were thinking of going. If they haven’t gone. They seem to think he might need an anti-something.

  SIDNEY: Rabies.

  MARION: Probably. I’ll see. [She opens the door]

  [Silence]

  [Calling] I say, hallo. Hallo there.

  [There is a low growl]

  Oh, dear.

  RONALD: What’s the matter?

  MARION: It’s sort of crouching in the doorway chewing a shoe and looking terribly threatening.

  RONALD: Really?

  MARION: I don’t think it’s going to let us through, you know.

  RONALD: [picking up the tin of dog meat and moving tentatively to the sitting-room] He’s probably all right, he just needs calming down. Here, boy, boy, good boy. Hallo, boy, good boy.

  [A growl. RONALD returns, closes the door, and goes back to his work]

  No, well, best to leave them when they’re like that. Just a bit excited.

  SIDNEY: Mind you, once they’ve drawn blood, you know …

  JANE: Old Mr Allsop’s Alsatian …

  SIDNEY: Yes.

  MARION: Yes. Well, it’s lucky I brought the drink. Keep the workers going. And the invalid. How is she?

  RONALD: Very groggy.

  MARION: [peering at her] Golly, yes. She’s a dreadful colour. How are you feeling?

  JANE: I don’t think she really knows we’re here.

  MARION: Hallo. Hallo, there … [No response] No, you’re right. She’s completely gone. Poor thing. Oh well, drink, everyone?

  JANE: Not just at the moment. Nearly finished.

  MARION: Jolly good. [Nudging SIDNEY with her leg] What about you?

  SIDNEY: In a moment. In just a moment.

  RONALD: Darling, I wouldn’t drink too much more of that.

 
MARION: Oh, Ronnie, don’t be such a misery. Honestly, he’s such a misery. He’s totally incapable of enjoying a party.