Three Plays

by Alan Ayckbourn

  MARGE: [handing PAUL sideplates with paper napkins] Here you are. [To COLIN] We’d all love to have another look at them later.

  JOHN: [passing round the sandwiches, muttering] Great.

  COLIN: Yes, well, possibly. I hope Di’s all right.

  PAUL: Oh, yes…

  MARGE: Oh, yes. She’ll be fine. Fine. She’s very sensitive.

  COLIN: Oh, yes. I think that’s what makes her a wonderful person, you know.

  MARGE: Yes, yes. I think we could all learn from her example. She’s so loyal and trusting…

  COLIN: Yes. She’s got a lot of the qualities Carol had in that respect. You’re a lucky man, Paul.

  PAUL: Yes.

  COLIN: [laughing suddenly] It could have been me at one point, couldn’t it? Remember? Diana and me instead of Diana and you.

  PAUL: Could it?

  COLIN: Oh, come on, you haven’t forgotten that. [To the others] We were both after her – him and me – at one time.

  MARGE: Were you really?

  COLIN: Oh, yes. And I think it’s fair to say, isn’t it, Paul, fair to say, that there was one moment in time when I don’t think she could honestly choose between us.

  MARGE: Really, I didn’t know.

  COLIN: Still, it all ended happily, didn’t it? Lucky old Paul, and if I’d married Di, I wouldn’t have met Carol…

  MARGE: Yes.

  [Pause]

  COLIN: Talking of Carol, it’s an odd thing you know. I’m sure this is fairly common. I mean, you read about it happening but there are times when I feel that she’s still around somewhere. Some part of her. Her spirit or whatever you call it. She could be in this room at this moment. Odd, isn’t it?

  MARGE: It does happen to people. My Aunt Angela –

  COLIN: I mean, I know for certain in my mind that she’s dead. There’s no doubt that she’s dead. I saw her lying there dead with my own eyes…

  [JOHN rises and jiggles about]

  But nevertheless, as I say, I feel that here, around here somewhere, she’s watching us. She can’t communicate but she’s watching me. Taking care of me.

  JOHN: [moving to the door] Excuse me.

  MARGE: All right, John?

  JOHN: Yes, I’m just going to see if – Di’s all right…

  [JOHN goes out to the kitchen]

  COLIN: Good old John. He still can’t sit still, can he?

  MARGE: No.

  COLIN: You took on a real live wire there, Evelyn.

  EVELYN: Oh yes?

  COLIN: How do you manage to keep up with him?

  EVELYN: I don’t bother.

  COLIN: You’ll have to get up early in the morning to catch John.

  EVELYN: I do. Every morning. He doesn’t wake up at all unless I wake him.

  COLIN: Oh well, that’s marriage.

  EVELYN: How do you know?

  COLIN: Well, I mean…

  MARGE: Evelyn…

  EVELYN: What?

  MARGE: Don’t be so…

  EVELYN: What?

  MARGE: Never mind.

  PAUL: How long had you known Carol, Colin?

  COLIN: Just over a year. Fourteen months, twenty three days.

  PAUL: Ah well. Time would have told.

  COLIN: Told what?

  PAUL: I mean, well – I mean, to be fair you hadn’t time really to get to know her. Not really.

  COLIN: I think I knew Carol better than I’ve ever known anybody before or since, Paul.

  PAUL: Oh. Well. I’m sure…

  [DIANA returns with a jug of cream]

  DIANA: I’m so sorry, everyone. I just wanted to make sure I’d turned the gas off. Now this is the cream for the trifle afterwards if anybody wants any. I’ve left that out there in the cool till we’ve cleared away some of this. Oh good, you’ve started the sandwiches.

  MARGE: Yes, I hope you didn’t…

  DIANA: No, no. They’re there to be eaten.

  COLIN: I’m very sorry, Di, if I upset you with – what I said…

  DIANA: Oh no, Colin, no. Not at all. John’s outside checking on the baby, Evelyn.

  EVELYN: Oh.

  DIANA: He thought one of you should. He’s wonderful with that baby, Colin. You should see him.

  COLIN: I bet.

  DIANA: Does all the things a mother should and better.

  [EVELYN clicks her tongue. She picks up the magazine and buries her nose in it rudely]

  COLIN: You all right, Evelyn?

  EVELYN: Eh?

  COLIN: Anything the matter? You seem a bit down.

  EVELYN: No. No. No…

  MARGE: It’s just her manner.

  DIANA: You get used to it eventually.

  COLIN: Oh. Do you know something, Evelyn. Now I’m talking off the top of my head now because I’ve only just met you, I don’t really know you – but – I think Paul will back me on this, won’t you, Paul – I’ve always had this knack – gift if you like, I suppose you could call it – for being able to sum people up pretty quickly. Sometimes I’ve just got to meet them, exchange a few words with them and on occasions, not always but on occasions, I know more about that particular person than they know about themselves. Now I could be wrong, as I say this is straight off the top but I would say just from the brief time I’ve had to study you, I would say something’s bothering you. Right or wrong?

  EVELYN: Right.

  COLIN: There you are. Now, I’m going to go a bit further and I warn you I’m going to stick my neck right out now and say one of your worries is John. Right?

  EVELYN: Amazing.

  COLIN: No, not altogether. You see, I think I know what it is – [To he others] excuse me, I’m just putting Evelyn straight – right. Number one. John is a very high powered individual – can’t sit still, always on the move. We all know him in this room very well. Probably better than you do, Evelyn. You see, we’ve known him for years. He’s an extrovert, good brain, clever – wonderful with his hands. The sort of fellow, if you’re in trouble, it’s John you go to. John is number one. Never let you down. The bee’s knees. But – and there’s a big but – and I think everyone here will agree with this – Marge, Di, Paul, Gordon if he was here – what we, everyone of us, have always said about John is – God help the woman he marries. Because every day of their lives together, she is going to have to get used to the fact that John is going to be the driver while she is going to have to spend most of her life in the back seat.

  [He pauses for effect and gets one]

  So. My advice is, don’t let your personality – because I can see there’s a lovely personality hiding under there – don’t let that get buried away. Because he won’t thank you for it in the end. Nobody will. Get in the habit of giving yourself to people, if you know what I mean, and you’ll get a lot more back, believe me. I’m a giver. It’s natural, how I was born, nothing virtuous about it, per se – just the way I’m made. Others have to work at it. Carol was another giver. She’d give you everything. Everything she had.

  [Silence]

  MARGE: True. True…

  COLIN: Sorry. I’m preaching. I can feel it. Sorry, Evelyn. Beg your pardon. I just happen to be an expert on John, that’s all. I’m an expert on Paul here as well. Shall I tell you about Paul?

  EVELYN: No thanks.

  COLIN: No. Better not. He gets embarrassed.

  DIANA: Yes. Another sandwich, everyone?

  COLIN: Oh, ta.

  [JOHN returns from the garden]

  MARGE: Is he all right?

  JOHN: Yes. Fast asleep now.

  COLIN: Just been talking about you.

  JOHN: Who has?

  EVELYN: Him, mainly.

  COLIN: Me, mainly.

  JOHN: Oh.

  MARGE: Yes, now we know, don’t we, everyone?

  EVELYN: We certainly do.

  [Pause. Sandwiches are passed. Everyone settles]

  COLIN: Memory test. Do you remember, does anyone remember, the last time we were all together like this? I mean as a group. If you count Gordon
and don’t count Evelyn. Does anyone remember?

  DIANA: No. When would that have been?

  PAUL: Dick’s anniversary.

  COLIN: No, no. Months after that.

  MARGE: I give up.

  COLIN: Do the words Stately Home remind you of anything.

  DIANA: Stately Home? You mean that place?

  JOHN: That place, yes…

  PAUL: Oh, grief…

  MARGE: The one day of the year we chose…

  DIANA: And it’s closed.

  MARGE: That was dreadful, wasn’t it?

  PAUL: Proper waste of petrol.

  DIANA: And then the rain.

  MARGE: All that rain.

  DIANA: And that was the day I lost that glove.

  MARGE: Yes. That’s it. And then Gordon lost the convoy. We were driving up here, down there, trying to find you.

  JOHN: It was all right for you. We were sitting in that lay-by for two hours while you were seeing the countryside.

  COLIN: Yes, but it was a marvellous day, wasn’t it?

  JOHN: Was it?

  COLIN: Oh, it was a great laugh – sorry, Evelyn, this must be very boring for you, love –

  EVELYN: Yes.

  COLIN: Remember that fabulous picnic?

  DIANA: All I remember is running from one car to the other in the rain with the thermos flask.

  COLIN: And we found a great place for tea.

  PAUL: Where they overcharged us.

  COLIN: It was great. I’ll always remember that.

  JOHN: Yes.

  COLIN: What a marvellous day that was.

  DIANA: [doubtfully] Yes.

  MARGE: I suppose so, yes.

  COLIN: You missed something there, Evelyn.

  EVELYN: Sounds like it.

  [Pause]

  COLIN: Poor old Gordon. Lying in bed while we’re scoffing ourselves.

  MARGE: Yes, shame.

  COLIN: Now, Gordon’s the opposite to John, isn’t he? He’s what, shy. I’d call him shy, wouldn’t you, Marge?

  MARGE: Well, sometimes – yes. I suppose he has been.

  COLIN: Big men are like that. They’re always shy.

  PAUL: I’m not shy.

  DIANA: You’re not very big.

  PAUL: I’m fairly big.

  MARGE: You’re not as big as Gordon.

  PAUL: Nobody’s as big as Gordon.

  [Pause]

  MARGE: That’s because I feed him. When his stomach’s not playing him up.

  COLIN: Gordon was famous for his appetite.

  MARGE: He still is. I like a man with an appetite.

  COLIN: There you are, you see. Two more satisfied customers.

  [Pause. COLIN laughs]

  DIANA: What;

  COLIN: Sorry. No, I was just remembering something.

  DIANA: What?

  COLIN: It was just something me and Carol – it wouldn’t interest you.

  DIANA: Go on.

  COLIN: No, no…

  MARGE: Go on. We want to hear about her.

  COLIN: Well, it was just one of those fantastic moments, you know.

  MARGE: [romantic] Ah…

  COLIN: It was – well – when we first knew each other and – I forgot where it was now – I think we were walking across the common – there was nobody about – and she suddenly turned to me and she said “Colin, I think I’m ready to let you kiss me now. I’d like that very much. Would you, please?”

  MARGE: Ah…

  COLIN: And after I’d kissed her, I remember I was over the moon, literally. You should have seen me, I was singing and dancing and leaping about all over that common…

  MARGE: Ah…

  DIANA: Ah…

  EVELN: Huh.

  [Slight pause]

  PAUL: Have you given any thought as to who’s going to win the League this year, Colin?

  COLIN: No, not really, no.

  PAUL: I rather fancy our lot this year. They’re going rather well…

  JOHN: They are.

  COLIN: Well, I still follow them. What was it? Four nil last Saturday. Did you go?

  PAUL: No. Yes.

  COLIN: Sounded a cracker.

  PAUL: It was.

  DIANA: There’s nothing much can come between Paul and a football game, is there, Paul? Now come on, I want all these eaten up or I won’t cut the cake.

  MARGE: Well, if you’ve got any left I’ll take it home to Gordon in a bag.

  PAUL: Oh my God.

  COLIN: It’s a wonderful spread, Di. Really wonderful. Right up to standard.

  DIANA: Thank you.

  COLIN: Di’s teas. Famous. I remember having a few of those over the years. Don’t you Paid?

  PAUL: Eh?

  COLIN: Remember when we used to go round to tea? To Di and her sister Barbara’s?

  PAUL: Oh yes.

  COLIN: Every weekend. Mind you, Paul was in such a state, he could never eat it though. He’d say to me, how the hell am I supposed to sit down opposite a fantastic looking girl like that and be expected to eat anything. That’s the last thing on my mind. He really had it bad.

  DIANA: For Barbara?

  COLIN: Barbara? Come off it. For you.

  DIANA: Oh.

  PAUL: No, I didn’t.

  COLIN: Look he’s shy. He’s gone shy. Big men, I told you. Tell her about the table napkin.

  PAUL: Shut up.

  COLIN: All right. I’ll tell them. We used to go round to tea, you see, to their house – did I ever tell you this, John?

  JOHN: Don’t think so.

  PAUL: Look, Colin –

  DIANA: Shut up, Paul, I want to hear.

  MARGE: We want to hear.

  COLIN: I think it was, well, practically the first time we went round to Barbara, Di and her mother’s for tea and Paul was – well, he was sweating – literally sweating and all the way there he kept saying–what am I going to say to her – this was to Di. And when he got there, the girls and their mother had laid out this tea, all properly, you know. Table napkins, everything correct…

  PAUL: Look, this was a long time ago.

  COLIN: That’s why I’m telling them.

  DIANA: Shut up.

  COLIN: Anyway, the first thing that happens, Paul and I are in the front room there, waiting – they’re all out in the kitchen, giggling away, getting the tea ready – and Paul, well you know what he can be like, he gets so nervous, he’s pacing up and down, sits down, gets up, sits down and then finally he leans against the wall with one hand – like this, you see – [He demonstrates] and he puts his hand right on one of those ducks. China ducks, you know, the sort people have flying up their wall. A row of them, you know. Anyway, he puts his hand on one of them and crack – bang goes one duck. So there he is, he’s standing there with half a duck in each hand and we hear them coming back. No time to do anything. So he sits down to tea with his pockets full of duck.

  [They laugh]

  There we are, sitting all through this tea waiting for someone to look up and say – hallo – one, two – what’s happened to him. He must have migrated.

  [The all laugh again]

  DIANA: We never missed it.

  COLIN: No, well. He took it home, glued it together and hung it up again when we came next week.

  DIANA: Typical.

  COLIN: He was so worried, he could hardly keep his eyes on Di. Anyway, at the end of the meal, do you know what he did – and this shows how romantic he is underneath all that lot – he picked up that napkin that you’d been using, Di, and he put it in his pocket. Took it home to remind him of you.

  MARGE: Ah.

  DIANA: Is that where it went.

  PAUL: I don’t remember doing that.

  MARGE: I think that’s a lovely story. Just shows. All men are romantics at heart.

  [Pause]

  JOHN: I never did that sort of thing.