For The Love of Ash

by Taylor Lavati

  "You're the worst! All I wanted was to go see my friends. Eric was going."

  "Well, we have plans today Asher," I told him as I took a deep breath. "I can't just drop everything to take you there."

  He glared at me with hatred in his eyes. He stuck out his tongue, ran up the stairs to his bedroom, and slammed that door.

  "Starting the day off great…" I muttered as I walked upstairs to change. It was barely twelve thirty, and I already was exhausted. I threw on a pair of yoga pants and a graphic tee that said "I am Groot" and laid down in my bed.

  I didn't want to fall asleep, but I just needed a second to calm down. Before I knew it, a loud banging from down the stairs jolted me up. Thinking it was Luke, I ran downstairs and swung the door open.

  "Don't look so disappointed," Lindsay said as she pushed past me, her arms full of groceries. Her white Audi was parked behind my car. Lilly hopped out of the passenger side and waved before grabbing more groceries from the trunk.

  "Where's your brother?" I asked as I walked over into the kitchen.

  "I thought he was with you," she muttered as she pulled out a carton of eggs and began lining all the ingredients on the counter. "I bought two small turkeys because I didn't know the size of your oven. And I figured we could make a green bean casserole, pumpkin pie, homemade whipped cream, some mashed potatoes, and—"

  "Don't forget the sweet potatoes!" Lilly yelled as she came in two or three bags per arm. "Those are my favorite."

  "Direct me," I said as I put a pot of strong coffee in my old maker. I had to fight back my tiredness because tonight was going to be great. "I'm a good cook, I promise."

  "I'm going to glaze the turkeys. Why don't you start with the mashed potatoes?"

  "Lil, do you want to do me a huge favor and hang out with Asher? He's mad at me, so he might need a friend."

  "Hell, yeah. I'd much rather chill with Ash than cook with you two. No offense," she said as an afterthought. "Liam is on his way over. He said he'll be here in like ten minutes. Send him up."

  "She sure knows how to make you feel loved," Lindsay mumbled. She pulled out a red apron from one of the bags and threw it over her head and tied it around her waist. She grabbed another and threw it at me.

  "Thanks for doing this," I told her as I put my own apron on. It was blue with little stars and moons on it, dotting the navy in bright yellow.

  Maggie: Where are you?

  Delivered

  I was upstairs, changing into a long-sleeved black dress when I felt a panic rise in the pit of my stomach. Something was wrong. Even though Luke and I had separate lives, he always texted me good morning, or randomly in the middle of the day to see how I was.

  When I went back into the kitchen, I saw June. She smiled and rushed over, hugging me hard. "I'm so glad you came!" I told her as I held onto her tight.

  "Trust me. I'd rather be here than at my fucking parents'."

  "Language," I growled. Asher giggled from the sofa as he and Liam watched Guardians of the Galaxy. The swelling had gone way down on Liam's face, his eye a faint reddish purple from the hit. He seemed happier, too, which was good.

  "Lindsay, can I talk to you?" I asked as I plucked a green bean from the casserole and ate it in one bite. It was delicious, salty and crunching, but soft and juicy at the same time. Linds had cooked those to perfection.

  She nodded and followed me up the stairs and down the hall, so I knew that nobody could eavesdrop.

  "Can you call Luke? I'm getting worried. He hasn't texted me at all, and he should've been here by two at the latest." She could hear the worry in my voice because she pulled her cell from the front pocket of her apron and dialed him fast.

  She sighed as the phone connected and rang and rang and rang. She finally put the phone back in her pocket, and my heart almost felt like it stuttered.

  "He could be stuck in a meeting or busy." She shrugged her shoulders.

  "You and I both know that's not the case." I turned and faced the wall, trying to come up with an explanation as to why he wasn't here. The dramatic part of my brain immediately jumped to the conclusion that he got into a car accident or was hurt. But the sane part of me knew something else was going on.

  "He was acting weird last night. He left before dinner after he put Ash to sleep. Do you think something maybe happened? He said you needed him last night and ran out. Did you?" I turned, facing her and saw the fear in her bright aqua eyes.

  "I didn't talk to him yesterday. He never came home. I know because I stayed at the house with all the kids." She pulled me into a hug, but I wanted nothing of it.

  "Don't say anything to anyone else. We don't want to freak them out. I'll figure it out," I told her. I tried to put on a brave face and not run through worst case scenarios, but it was hard.

  Dinner was ready, so I pulled out the leaves from the table and moved the couch with Liam and June's help to the side. We all sat around a square table in the living room since it was the only area with extra space.

  "Where's Luke?" Asher asked as he sat beside me.

  "He's working late," I said, widening my eyes at Lindsay to get her to divert his attention.

  "Who wants to say grace?" Lindsay asked as she sat across from me at the other head of the table.

  "I will!" Ash raised his hand, waving it around so he would be seen. "Thank you Lord for all the things that we have, like the food and house and hockey. Thanks for Maggie and Luke, even though he's not here. And everyone that's here. And I really want a puppy that's black, and after dinner, everyone has to play Apples to Apples with me."

  "This isn't like Santa," I laughed as Asher's prayer turned into a wish list.

  "I just thought I'd say it while everyone was listening."

  "You're too much. Eat, everyone! Thank Lindsay for bringing this feast."

  "And Maggie for lending us her house."

  "Eat!" I said as I grabbed the mashed potatoes and spooned a hefty ball onto my plate. Everyone started jabbering as we piled food onto my chipped plates. But nobody was complaining.

  I looked beside me as June filled her plate. Next to her was Lilly and Liam, squabbling over a knife that was allegedly supposed to stay with the turkey, but Liam used it to eat his turkey with. Lindsay was across from me at the head, yelling at Lilly to leave Liam alone, but she wasn't hearing any of it. Ash was on the other side of me and beside him was an empty place setting. The only thing that would make this day better would be Luke.

  "You okay?" June asked, nudging me.

  "Huh?" I shook my head to clear it. "Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, zoning out."

  "How do you think you did on your midterm?" she asked as she poured herself a glass of red wine. I didn't know jack about wine, except that this was really old and apparently really expensive.

  "It was easy. But you know how when you think something's easy then you fail? That might be in progress."

  "Please, you've done well on all the work so far. I'm sure you nailed it."

  "How'd you do?"

  "Good. I'm allowed to retake the parts I missed since Father dearest called in with an excuse. It's like high school all over again!" She clapped her hands, faking a smile.

  "So, Ash, tell us about hockey," Lilly said as she jabbed her brother in the gut. Liam sputtered out his milk all over his plate and napkin. "Ugh, Liam you're disgusting!" Lilly leapt up from the table, wiping the non-existent milk from her face.

  "He didn't get it on you, Lilly. Stop being dramatic," Lindsay said.

  "You try living with that kid."

  "I basically do live with you two. And trust me, it's a nightmare."

  "Nobody asked you to be around," Lilly growled, her anger now directed at her sister instead of Liam.

  "Really, you want me to leave you alone with Mom and Dad, now?" The room fell to a tension-filled silence. It was like a standoff, both Lindsay and Lilly standing and glaring at each other from their spots at the table. The rest of us just sat awkwardly watching.

  "No," Lilly f
inally muttered. It looked like she was going to cry, so I quickly stood up and clinked my fork against my glass. All eyes turned towards me, and I swallowed the lump in my throat.

  "I wanted to make a toast." They all sat down, the fighting ceasing for at least a few minutes. They held up their glasses as I put my fork down and thought about what I was going to say.

  "I wanted to toast to all of you for making my life whole again. Asher and I have struggled. It's always been the two of us against the world, but this year, we met all of you. And you've taught us that good friends are worth having. So, to you all, who have taught me to love and enjoy life. To you!"

  "To you!" They all shouted back at me, giggling as we clinked glasses.

  We settled back down, and the rest of dinner was mostly peaceful although Liam ratted Lilly out about skipping class last week, which prompted Lilly to throw her napkin at his head.

  After the dishes had been cleaned and put away, I found the living room full of sleeping bodies. Lilly was at Liam's feet on the floor. Liam and Asher shared the couch, although it hardly looked comfortable for either of them as their heads craned in weird angles, their limbs cramped and bent.

  It was only eight, but I knew Asher was probably exhausted and ready to go down for the night. I quietly stepped over Lilly and lifted Asher up, using my legs to do most of the carrying.

  "Why didn't Luke come?" Asher mumbled as he awakened. I placed him down on the floor. He pulled the sweatshirt over his head as he climbed towards his bed and dove in.

  "I'm not sure." I couldn't lie to the kid.

  "Was it my fault?"

  "No," I stated with conviction. "Nothing you could do would upset him. He loves you. I'm sure it was me. I must have upset him."

  "Can you fix it?" He looked so much younger than he really was as I gazed down at him. I was only fourteen when he was born, but I remember holding him in the hospital and thinking how great of a person he was going to become.

  "I'll try, baby."

  Chapter Forty

  Maggie

  I bit back a sob as I ran out of Asher's room and collapsed in the hallway. I didn't want to feel bad for myself. I knew this was bound to happen. People always left. People were selfish. I should've known this more than anyone, and yet, I let Luke into my life.

  I bared my entire soul to him. I told him my insecurities and trusted that he wouldn't break my heart. He fucking promised that he loved me. Maybe it was the sex? Now that he got some, he was done.

  I covered my face with my hands and sobbed, my entire body shaking like I was seizing. It hurt. My limbs ached with the loss of him. He knew that my parents death was tomorrow, and he knew how important this dinner was.

  He wouldn't have missed it if he cared. And yet he did. Which only told me that he was done. I couldn't forgive him for this. He couldn't win me back no matter what the excuse was.

  "Maggie?" Lindsay asked as she exited the bathroom. "Oh God, Maggie. What happened?"

  "He left me."

  "How do you know?" she asked. Her arms wrapped around me as she crouched down. I let her console me even though I couldn't stand to look at her—she was too similar to Luke. She was his fucking sister! I was going to lose all of them.

  "He knew how important today was to me. Something must have pushed him away. He lied about where he was going. We can't come back from this."

  "I'm sure it was important." I could tell from the tone of her voice that even she didn't believe what she was telling me. I got it, though. She had more allegiance to her brother over me. She had to stick up for him.

  "What would be more important than this? You're all here. Where could he be?"

  "Maggie, he loves you. Surely, he told you that."

  "It doesn't matter!" I yelled, banging my fist against the hard wood flooring. It ached, but strangely the pain relieved me; it was better than the pain in my chest.

  "It does matter. He's never been happier. You can't leave him."

  "He left me. I told him there were no second chances. Asher was devastated that Luke wasn't here tonight. Asher looks up to him for fuck's sake. This isn't fair to that kid, and it isn't fair to me."

  "You're right…" Lindsay stood up and left me alone in the hallway. I just couldn't get myself up. I didn't want to have to face the world. I just wanted to sit here and sulk.

  It was my own fault. I knew that. I got my hopes up, envisioned a future with Luke. I romanticized him when I knew better than to fully trust. That's the worst part. From the start I knew it would go nowhere. I didn't date. I promised myself I wouldn't date. For this exact reason.

  "Come downstairs, I'll make you tea." Lindsay pulled me up by the armpits and helped me down the stairs. I didn't need help, but I let her because I was too empty to put up a fight.

  "Where'd everyone go?" The living room was bare, the sofa and table put back where they belonged. The sleeping bodies were missing.

  "I had June take the kids home. You need a second."

  "I'll need a lot more than a second," I muttered as I sat down at the kitchen table. I dropped my head to it and covered my face with my arms. I didn't want to see anything or do anything.

  "I know you don't want to, but we need to figure out what happened. I called the house, and he didn't answer. His cell now goes straight to voicemail. He's running, and we can't help him unless we figure it out what caused it." She sat down across from me. The chair scuffed against the tiled floor, and I heard her elbows hit the table.

  "I don't care about finding him, Lindsay. He did this to himself."

  "Don't talk like that. I know you love him."

  "Of course, I love him!" I punched the table and stood, trying to calm myself down. "If I didn't I wouldn't give a shit. But he's fucking this up. He ruined everything that we could have had. I can't forgive him for that. Nothing will erase the damage he caused tonight."

  "You have to forgive him."

  "Don't tell me what I have to do."

  "Sorry," she mumbled as she lifted the screaming teakettle off the stove. I sat back down, breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth. I had to reign my anger in and think logically. I wanted to help Lindsay find him, if just to know what he blew me off for.

  "I'm sorry for freaking out. It just feels like everything I've built in my life completely gets destroyed."

  "I understand. I'm just worried about my brother, and I want to find him."

  "I know. I'll help you," I promised as I took a sip of the hot tea. It was weak—too weak for my current mood. But I drank it up anyway as I replayed the last night. We were alone for a while, we had really awesome sex. I made dinner while he put Asher to bed. Then he came down, made a bad excuse, and left.

  "Did he say anything out of the ordinary?"

  "Well, he mentioned that he found an apartment that he really loved and it had two bedrooms. I just remember thinking that he was implying that he wanted Asher and me to visit a lot or move in or something. Looking back, I think he was just bragging about the size."

  "Maybe you mentioning moving in was scary for him?"

  "I didn't. He implied it in our conversation, not me. He's stayed at the house a few times. But I never pushed him to go further." I shook my head. "He's said he loves me. I mean, I know he mentioned traveling and working overseas before, but I don't think it has to do with that."

  "He wants to work overseas?" Lindsay asked as she stood from the table. She was pacing in the small kitchen, only three or four steps each way. I grabbed her arm and twirled her around so she was sitting again. The pacing was giving me the nervous jitters that Luke always teased me about.

  "He said he couldn't until Liam was in college and he knew you all were safe. But he wanted to teach English to kids who needed a role model."

  "Wow," she muttered like it was the first time she had heard that. Immediately guilt washed through me for telling one of his secrets. But as my chest contracted and a sharp pain shot down my ribs, I let it go. "I have to get going," Lindsay said
as she rushed towards the door.

  "I hope that you find him," I told her. I hugged her, knowing that this would probably the last time I got to see her or talk to her. Our relationship wasn't strong enough to trump the one she had with her brother. I was going to miss her.

  "I'll have him call you."

  "Don't." I put my hand up.

  "But Mag—"

  "Just please don't."

  "Fine," she grumbled and then walked out to her white pristine car. I waved and smiled as her high beams descended down my road and out of sight. I shut the door to the house and again fell to the floor, letting my frustration manifest in the form of heavy tears.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Luke

  I signed the lease at my new house. It was completely empty. My voice echoed in the kitchen all the way to the bathroom. But I felt free. I had to go back to my parents' house to gather my belongings. I had to get some clothes and at least a clock so I could stay at the new place. I had to create a life for myself, and it just wasn't going to happen if I stayed.

  It was eleven at night the Sunday after Thanksgiving. I didn't show up for Maggie's party or my parents' big dinner extravaganza. I knew they were worried about me, but I shot off a quick text to Lindsay telling her I was fine. Following that was an onslaught of angry texts and death threats if I didn't get home right away, so I shut my phone down and used email to finish my lease and get into the new house.

  I crept in through the kitchen door. I felt like I did this every time I entered the cold house. Luckily, my bedroom was the one closest to the stairs, so I didn't have to walk far, and I knew I wouldn't wake anyone. When I entered the room, there was a lump in my bed.

  I tentatively walked over and peeled back just the top of the covers and saw Liam in my bed, fast asleep. My stomach curled, and I felt like I might vomit. I would be leaving him. Not completely. No. I always planned to visit my family. I loved these kids. But I knew how they would see it, and I wasn't ready to deal with the grief. It was selfish—but this was who I was.