Christmas Corpse Caper

by Lois Lavrisa

  “Why wouldn’t I want to see my own father as soon as I flew into town? I haven’t seen him in a year. Even now you’ve taken care of everything without me,” Arlene said, voice rising.

  “Because I live here. You don’t,” Susan huffed.

  Emotions ran high when people grieved, so I sat patiently by and listened. In cases like this, you let them run out of steam, or stop when they became embarrassed to be caught arguing in front of a stranger, whichever came first.

  “I didn’t choose to live five states away. You know that’s where my husband got his job,” Arlene retorted to Susan. “Plus, we have three children to take care of. I wouldn’t have had time to help even if I lived here.”

  “Just because I’m single I had to do it all? When Mom died ten years ago, I’m the one who had to quit my job to be Dad’s full time caregiver,” Susan shot back at Arlene. “So whether you like it or not, that’s what I did.”

  Arlene startled and glanced my way. “Look at us fighting like school girls. Really, Susan, let’s just let it lie. I came here to see Dad, not to argue with you.”

  “Yes. Fine.” Susan stood, and said to me, “May we see him?”

  “I’d love to help you, but, according to our policies, we aren’t supposed to let anyone view after hours.” Stupid rule, I thought, my shoulders slumping. With Joe hating me and reporting my every move to his uncle, I couldn’t chance breaking the rules.

  “Of course. It’s just that, well, it’s important that I see him now.” Tears streaked down Arlene’s pale cheeks. She wrung her hands.

  “I’m sorry,” I said, rising. Damned rules. She seemed so pitiful. “Really I am. If I could let you, I would.”

  “Did you know that Dad was a World War II veteran?” Arlene sniffed and looked at me.

  “No, I didn’t.” I handed her a box of tissues from a table. “You must be proud of him.”

  “Yes,” Susan said as she adjusted the purse on her shoulder. “He was a great parent.”

  “I’m sure he was,” I said in a soothing voice that came naturally to me.

  “And he lived a good, long life. Ninety-seven years. Married over sixty years until our mother passed. My children and husband adored him. Everyone who met him, loved him.” Arlene dabbed her eyes with a tissue.

  “To think that he told me at one point, when he was twenty-two-years old, he didn’t think that he’d make it through the war. Of course, he survived, but, no doubt, the war changed him. He said he could never trust anyone again. Not the government, banks. No one,” Susan said as she clasped her hands.

  “He learned to be so frugal with his money,” Arlene added. “But I know he had lots of it. Although he never gave any to us.”

  “He was only teaching us how to be safe with our finances. Not throw it away recklessly,” Susan said, sneering at Arlene. “Like some people.”

  “Is that why he cut me out of the will?” Arlene jumped out of her chair, eyes watering up. She moved right next to Susan. “Another life lesson?”

  “Let’s not air our family issues in public. Please, Arlene. I love you and so did Dad. Let’s move on.” Susan touched the sleeve of Arlene’s coat. Arlene twisted away from Susan’s grasp with tears in her eyes.

  “Hey, Jackass Ginger—” Joe stormed into the office. He stopped dead in his tracks when he saw Susan and Arlene. His face turned a bright crimson and his mouth fell open mid-sentence. “Please, forgive me, ladies. I didn’t realize Mark had company.”

  Susan blushed then looked down at her feet.

  Arlene dabbed her moist eyes with a tissue.

  I felt like I had the upper hand now that Joe had made a jerk of himself in front of clients. And, as he said himself, the client is golden, so I tried my luck. “Even though I know we’re not supposed to allow after hours viewing, they’ve requested to see their father, Mr. Wallace, in the Serenity Room. What do you think, Joe?”

  “Um, well, I um.” Joe shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “The rules.”

  “Yeah, but, Arlene just flew in, and she’s not seen her father yet,” I insisted.

  Joe started fidgeting with his shirt collar. “Why, sure. Of course we can make that exception for you ladies. Again, I apologize for my abruptness and language. And, most importantly, please accept my sincerest sympathy for the loss of your father.” Joe steered Susan and Arlene out the door and I followed. Looking over his shoulder, Joe shot me the evil eye. I’m sure he hated being inconvenienced when he had to leave for his hot date.

  We arrived outside the closed viewing room door. Joe paused, and said, “I have to go in first to make sure that everything is as it should be. Give me a minute, please.” Joe entered the room alone.

  Why was he acting so antsy? I had checked on Mr. Wallace an hour ago and everything was in order.

  Moments later, Joe came back, holding something behind his back. With his free hand he opened the door for us. “Please, be my guest.”

  I caught a glimpse of what Joe held—a red and white Santa hat. What the heck?

  Entering the viewing room, Arlene approached the open coffin. She slid her hand along the silver rim. “Do you mind if I have a moment alone with my father, please? Only if that’s okay and doesn’t break any more regulations?”

  “Why can’t I stay too?” Susan asked.

  “Really? You won’t even allow me my own private time with Dad?” Arlene retorted.

  “Humph. Suit yourself. I’ll be in the lobby.” Susan marched out.

  “Mark, let’s give her a few moments.” Joe tugged the viewing room door closed. In the hallway he turned toward me and, in a low voice, said, “All right, red albino, I won’t say anything about you breaking the rule on after-hour viewings, if you don’t say anything about my inappropriate comment in the office.”

  “You? Inappropriate? I don’t remember any comment like ‘jackass ginger’ or anything like that.” I wouldn’t rat him out. If I did, I’d be pummeled anyway.

  “Good.” Joe glanced at his wristwatch.

  “But what about that Santa hat?” I asked.

  “Oh… um… nothing. Just a joke,” Joe muttered.

  “So you had that on Mr. Wallace and didn’t want his daughters to see it, huh?” I asked. “But you wanted me to see it later. Like a joke meant for me.”

  Joe coughed. “Listen, I’m running late.”

  “Go. I’ve got it covered. Now get out of here.” I tapped his shoulder. “I like this. Having us on even ground.”

  Joe punched my arm, sending me backward against the wall. “Not even close.”

  I rubbed my arm. “Have a good date.”

  “You too… your date with a corpse.” Joe threw me the Santa hat. While jogging down the hall, he shouted over his shoulder, “All alone on Christmas Eve, maybe Santa will visit you.”

  “I hope he brings me a gift.” I put the hat in my back pocket.

  I waited outside the viewing room for a few minutes. The only sound was my heart thumping in my chest, and the rhythmic tick-tock of a wall clock echoing in the hallway. In the distance, a siren wailed. A blast from the automatic air freshener bathed the area in a floral scent. I checked on Susan who waited in the lobby for Arlene.

  When several minutes passed without her emerging, I decided to look in on Arlene. Quietly, I opened the heavy wood door. Upon entering, I found her bent over the casket, her hands running up and down her father’s navy blue suit jacket and vest. When she spotted me her eyes widened. Suddenly, she collapsed on the corpse’s chest, sobbing out, “Oh, Daddy. I can’t believe you’re gone.”

  It wasn’t unusual for people to touch the deceased, it gave them comfort and connection in some way, but what I saw seemed like a pat down. Not wanting to scare her, I cleared my throat to get her attention.

  “Oh my.” Arlene jerked around, her face flushed. “I—I, um… Dad’s jacket was rumpled.” She fidgeted with her hands, wringing them as she spoke. A bead of sweat glistened on her wrinkled forehead. Her voice rose and tremble
d as she spoke. “He was a very proper man. Everything neat and in order, maybe because of his military background.”

  I had prepared his body and, trust me, he looked perfect. Not a wrinkle. “Yes, I understand, but if you don’t mind…”

  “Of course. You need to close down. Thank you again for letting me in. I’ll get Susan and we’ll let ourselves out. You were so kind.” She scurried away.

  Now that was just weird. But people did all sorts of strange things when they were grieving. One time I’d seen a lady climb into the casket and lay down with her husband.

  After locking up behind Susan and Arlene, I went to the office. When I entered, Kim had her coat and hat on.

  “All right, I’m heading out now.” Kim tossed me keys. “Here is your set. Remember, one delivery tonight.”

  “Got it. I hope it’s pizza.” Right at that moment my stomach growled.

  “More like cold cuts.” Kim smirked.

  “Or a large Popsicle,” I retorted. Corpse humor.

  “Oh, I have to come back and do a little more paperwork later. I didn’t have time to finish it today. Maybe I’ll pick us up something to eat?” Kim buttoned her coat and then slung the purse over her shoulder. She moved a stack of papers.

  “No plans with a boyfriend?” I mentally kicked myself as soon as I said it. How obvious was it that I liked her? I’d guess it was about as obvious as a neon sign.

  “I need to let my dog out, and then I’ll be back.” Kim tucked her long brown hair under a wool hat. “See you later.”

  “It’s a date,” I said.

  “You wish.”

  “Yes I do.” I nodded.

  Kim grinned and then left, leaving me in the office.

  Alone.

  Just me and Mr. Wallace.

  The smell of coffee.

  The creaks of the heater kicking on.

  Silence.

  * * *

  An hour or so went by as I straightened magazines on end tables, lined up chairs along walls, and dusted tabletops. After I cleaned the windows in the front lobby, all the chores were completed.

  Mr. Kincaid wanted the decorations for December to be as nondenominational as possible. His solution amounted to a few strings of blue lights on the two ficus trees in the lobby and a pine wreath on the front door. I clicked off the tree lights.

  I switched the radio station from the always-present classical instrumental music and tuned into a station playing Christmas music. “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” came over the speakers.

  I loved December. Freshly fallen snow on the frozen lake. The moon lighting up the dark blue night. The smell of fresh pine, and the crispness in the air. Decorations adorning buildings. Hot chocolate on a cold night, the smell of freshly baked cookies. Almost the perfect season.

  A girlfriend would make it just right.

  Checking on Mr. Wallace, I got a sudden case of patriotism, remembering his life as a World War II veteran, so I stood next to his casket, straightened my back, clicked my heels together, and saluted him. “Thank you, sir, for your service. Rest in Peace.” I then made my way to the office.

  After pouring out the old coffee, I began a fresh pot. It was going to be a long night. I needed to stay awake to greet the expected delivery.

  At that moment a scratching sound came from down the hallway.

  Mouse?

  A branch against the metal door?

  Intruder?

  Ghost?

  No. No. My heartbeat quickened. I’m not afraid.

  Kim must be returning to do her paperwork. Yes. That made sense. Slowly I made my way down the hallway, my footsteps muffled by the oriental runner. A thud sounded in another room.

  My heart skipped. My hands began to sweat and shake. I felt heat rise from my chest to my neck.

  There was no living soul in the entire building except me. Unplugging a candlestick lamp on a nearby table, I wrapped the cord around the base. The metal in my hand felt solid and heavy. My weapon for… Just in case.

  Another thud.

  What was that?

  The sound of my heartbeat became louder than the Christmas song “Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer” playing on the radio. Even so, I began making my way around the premises and I didn’t see anything out of place. Okay, Joe must’ve rigged something to make a sound. Yes. That’s what was going on here. He wanted to scare me.

  “But I won’t let him,” I announced to the empty space.

  First he tried the Santa hat on Mr. Wallace, and now this.

  “Hey, Mark, it’s me. Where are you?” Kim’s voice reverberated down the hallway. “I’m in the office.”

  My body relaxed. Kim. It’s only Kim. I’d let my imagination run wild for nothing.

  As I entered the office Kim said, “Hey, you want a bite to eat?” She opened a box. I got a whiff of freshly baked pizza.

  “Thanks. You know you scared me to death.” I put the lamp on the desk.

  “Why do you have that lamp?”

  “Weapon.” I folded a slice in half and took a bite.

  She hung her coat on the back of a chair and then took a cheesy slice herself. “Do you need your teddy?” Kim smirked.

  “You could wear a teddy. That would help a lot.” Ugh I did it again. No filter on my brain.

  “Nice try.” Kim chuckled. “You don’t give up, do you?”

  “Not until you say you’ll go on a date with me.”

  Kim let out a small giggle. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

  “It would be the best Christmas gift ever. Well, next to the superhero cape I got in fifth grade.”

  A loud crash—like glass smashing on the floor—came from outside the office, making us both jump. Kim grabbed my arm.

  “What was that?” Kim grimaced as she clung onto me.

  “Not sure. Right before you got here, I heard some other weird noises. It couldn’t be Mr. Wallace. On the other hand, do you think Joe’s being a jerk and trying to trick me again? He tried to do this Santa hat thing on our client, and… well, he’s not one to give up.”

  “I don’t know.” Kim tugged my elbow. “What should we do if it isn’t Joe?”

  “How about you stay in the office, so you’ll be safe. Make sure you lock the door behind me and get ready to call 911. I don’t want anything to happen to you.” Every nerve in my body tingled. Between being frightened at the sounds and Kim touching me I was on emotional overload.

  “How will I know when to dial?” Kim asked.

  “If you see a stranger. Or a zombie. Or anything weird.”

  “A zombie wouldn’t be weird?”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Got it.” Kim’s eyes were wide as she looked at me. “Seriously, Mark. Be safe. Do you want my brass knuckles or Mace?”

  “No, thanks.”

  “Then at least have this.” She handed me the lamp.

  Tightening my grip on the lamp neck, I cautiously made my way in the direction of the Serenity Room—ground zero for the glass smashing noise. Scanning around the hallway, all of the tables and chairs looked in order.

  Upon entering the room a powerful fragrance from the dozens of floral wreaths enveloped me. With the door closed and the heat on, the scent increased. Glancing around, I noticed a broken vase on the wood floor. Water pooled around the pieces of broken glass. Was it there before? No.

  Did someone come in here? Impossible.

  Okay. All was fine, I reassured myself.

  But I couldn’t leave until I checked the body. So I went over to Mr. Wallace’s casket. His jacket seemed disheveled and unbuttoned. Someone must’ve been here. Yet, where were they and how did they get in? There had to be an explanation. Okay. Walk back to the office.

  I took a deep breath to calm my nerves. Then the thought of Kim possibly being in danger had me sprinting down the hallway to the office. Once there, out of breath, I said to Kim, “Are you okay?”

  “Fine, but you look like hell.” She got up from behind the desk. “Wha
t’s going on?”

  My chest heaved. I took a moment to catch my breath. “A broken vase.”

  “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Kim brushed a hair from my eye.

  I shook my head. “I was more worried about your safety.”

  Creak.

  “What was that?” Kim shrieked.

  Trying to sound in control, I lowered my voice and spoke calmly. “The building is probably just settling. But you stay here and I’ll take a look.” My eyes began to twitch with raw nerves.

  “Mark, let’s go look together.” Kim’s voice trembled.

  “No. I’m protecting you from whatever that is out there.” I waved my hand at the door.

  “Honestly, I’d rather be with you, than here by myself.”

  “You would?” My heart leapt. She likes me? “It may not be safe out there. But I’ll make sure nothing happens to you. You know, I took a self-defense course.”

  Kim smiled. “Cool. Me too. Hey, I also have these to protect us.” She pulled nunchucks from her desk drawer.

  “Whoa.”

  “And I know how to use them too.” Kim twirled them toward me.

  “I’m a little turned on now.” I arched an eyebrow.

  “Focus.” Kim pinched my arm.

  I went to the closet and pulled out a small toolbox. Grabbing a hammer I held it up. “I’m ready.”

  “Let’s go.”

  After opening the office door, I turned to her. “If anything happens, just know that I love you. I’ve always loved you. Ever since you walked in the fifth grade with your pink Little Kitty shirt on.”

  “I loved that shirt. And I remember your super hero lunchbox. It was cute.” Kim nudged me with her elbow.

  I pulled the Santa hat out of my back pocket and put it on. “Am I cute now too?”

  She nodded. “Adorable. You’re my Santa Hero.”

  We made our way to the Serenity Room as “The Little Drummer Boy” played on the radio.

  “Stay back here while I look in the room,” I said.

  A door slammed.

  Kim and I locked eyes. She squeezed my hand.

  “I kind of like this.” My hand felt like it was in a vice as her small fingers grabbed mine. Her hand was warm and soft. Just her touch excited me.