Pesto and Potholes

by Baganz, Susan M. ;

  Fear threatened to suffocate him, and he wanted more than anything to punch a hole in the wall to vent some of his emotions. His family sensed his agitation and gave him a wide berth.

  It was about seven when Tony finally grabbed his coat and headed outside, hoping the cold December air would settle him. His dad was in surgery. He was tired of pacing up and down the same stretch of floor in the waiting room.

  Once out among the concrete and darkening sky, he checked his cell phone and found a text from Renata.

  Your dad? Is he okay? How r u? Praying. Ren.

  It had come in over an hour-and-a-half ago.

  He dialed her number. Right now, he needed to hear her voice.

  “Tony?”

  “Yeah, sorry, I just got your text. I had to turn off the phone inside.”

  “I understand. How is your dad? What happened?”

  “Dad had a heart attack and is in surgery right now.”

  “Oh, Tony, do you want me to come and be with you?”

  “Yes.”

  “I’ll leave right away.”

  “Thanks, Ren.”

  * * *

  Tony paced outside the hospital’s doors to wait for Renata. He couldn’t mistake her truck when it pulled into the parking lot. He could tell it was going to need a new muffler and front pipe soon. He made a mental note to get his friend, Chris, to look at it.

  Renata was dressed in her jeans and a sweatshirt, with her hair pulled into a ponytail. Her purple winter coat made her look twice as large as she was, and he smiled because she was tiny compared to him. He noticed she was not moving fast, taking the many stairs to the front door at a slow, measured pace. Her back must still be giving her trouble. She saw him by the entrance, and he came forward to greet her, hugging her close.

  “Ren, I’m glad you came.”

  She looked up and touched his face. “Come on, Tony. Let’s go inside where we can be warm.” She placed an arm around his waist, and they headed through the front doors together.

  “How much longer will he be in surgery?”

  “It could be up to an hour more. If there’s any news before that, Alexandr will call me from the waiting room phone.”

  “Let’s go to the cafeteria and get some hot chocolate.”

  Together, they managed to follow the signs and arrows leading them to the cafeteria. They went through the line to get their hot chocolate. They found a table and sat down, Tony helped Renata out of her coat and tossed it across another chair.

  “How’s your back, Ren?”

  “Painful, but I saw the back cracker after work. It’s getting better.”

  “Next time you need help with boxes, please call me?”

  “I was foolish to think I could do it myself. I’m paying the price for my independence. But enough of that. Tony, are you all right?”

  “I’m scared.”

  “That would be natural. How’s your mom?”

  “She’s holding it together. I can tell she’s shaken. You know how close they are, how much they love each other. The doctor said if we had not gotten him in as quickly as we did, he might have had another one and not survived. We are all praising God I found him soon enough.”

  Renata reached out, held his hand, and squeezed. “I’ll stay with you as long as you need me.”

  Tony put his other hand over his eyes as he leaned forward. “This is my fault. I shouldn’t have let him work as much as he did. I should have taken on the books myself. He should be able to relax and enjoy life. Be with his wife.”

  “Tony, it’s not your fault. You cannot blame yourself. He could have been sitting on a rocker for the past few years, bored to tears. He was doing what he loved. He was enjoying his life and his family. He was productive. You wouldn’t have robbed him of that would you?”

  “No, but I could have lightened the load.”

  “You couldn’t have known. Your dad was not overweight. He didn’t smoke. He had been bragging at Thanksgiving about how his cholesterol levels were good, and all his lab work from his recent physical had come back affirming his good health. You couldn’t have known or done anything to prevent this.”

  “But—”

  “No, Tony. You’ve done this before. You tried to take the responsibility for what Bryan did. It wasn’t your fault. Neither is this. You are not in control of the universe. God is. Why He chose for this to happen to your father, I don’t know.” Her tone softened. “Tony, God loves you and wants you to depend on Him, not yourself. Don’t let Satan win here. Don’t let him keep your focus on you, as wonderful as I think you are, instead of putting your trust in Him, the One who sustains every breath we take, including your father’s. Can you trust God to be here through this, wherever it takes you?”

  “I’m trying, Ren.”

  “Remember the words to the song on Sunday? ‘He gives and takes away. My heart will surely say, blessed be the name of the Lord.’ Wasn’t it Job that said ‘Though he slay me yet will I praise him’?”

  Tony looked up at her, unable to hide the grief and the struggle in his teary eyes. “How can you spout that stuff after all He let you go through? You experienced hell on earth in your marriage. God took your daughter, an innocent child, and let her die. Yet you would praise Him?” Tears welled up in her eyes, and Tony wanted to kick himself. “Ren, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said those things.”

  “You have not said things I haven’t asked myself many times. I still don’t know why God allowed all I have gone through. I do know the things I am grateful for today are much more valuable to me against the backdrop of my pain. The stars are in the sky all the time, but we cannot truly appreciate them unless we are out of the city, away from all the lights and experience complete darkness. Then they sparkle like diamonds.”

  Tony put his hand on top of Renata’s, reversing their position, and squeezed. He leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. They sat in silence for a while before returning upstairs to await news of his Dad. Renata stayed with the family until midnight, when it was clear Mr. De Luca had not only come through surgery, but was in Intensive Care and able to see one visitor at a time.

  Tony walked Renata to her truck, opened her door, and helped her in. “Thanks again, Ren.”

  “Keep me posted, all right? I’ll be praying. I’ll try to stop by to see your father after work tomorrow.”

  “Thank you, I’m sure he’ll appreciate that, as will my mom.”

  He watched her drive away. What would he do without her in his life? Other than God, who would he have turned to? Bryan was dead. His accountability group? Maybe. Renata offered something more. Something better. She offered a compassion and comfort he couldn’t find anywhere else. He stepped onto the curb and up the steps to the front door and back to the waiting room. He was spending the night at the hospital.

  Tony cancelled out on his accountability group the next day and left a message with Pastor Dan about his father. He stayed at the hospital until he needed to open the restaurant. He was exhausted but he had a job to do, and it had become bigger than before.

  * * *

  Renata visited as she had promised, and enjoyed time with Mr. De Luca and his family.

  Thursday night, Alexandr showed up at the hospital, and Renata was surprised to see him there. She took him out to the hall to speak with him.

  “I thought you were giving Tony a night off?”

  Alex shrugged. “The stubborn idiot won’t leave.”

  “How is he?”

  “Exhausted and grumpy. He comes here after work and sits in the room while Dad sleeps. He’s not supposed to be here, but for some reason the nurses let him stay. He sleeps in the recliner. He leaves mid-morning to go home, shower, and head to work. I’m ready to smack him.”

  “Maybe I need to go to the restaurant and have a chat with its head chef.”

  “If you would, that would be great. I hate to see Tony this obsessed and stubborn. He’s going to sign up for his own heart attack at this rate.”


  Renata returned to the room to grab her coat. She gave Mr. De Luca a kiss on the cheek and he blushed. She gave Mrs. De Luca a hug and a kiss and, with a wave to Alexandr, she was off.

  Reaching the restaurant around seven, she noted the parking lot was still full. She came in the door, hung up her coat, and found Stephanie.

  “Did Alex send you? He and Tony had quite a shouting match. Tony’s sulking in the office.”

  “Do you think he’ll see me?”

  “Someone needs to see him.”

  “Point me the way. I’ve yet to have a full tour of this place.”

  Stephanie led her roommate to the office door and knocked. Silence greeted them. Stephanie shrugged. “Enter at your own risk, Ren.”

  Renata opened the door and saw Tony. His head and arms were draped over a desk filled with papers, and he was asleep. She closed the door and walked around behind him. She reached over the chair and put her hands on his neck. Good, there was a pulse.

  She sighed. She massaged his shoulders. He was tense, even in his sleep. She moved her massage up to his scalp and loved the feel of his dark, wavy hair. It was soft. He stirred and sat upright. Her hands were on his shoulders, and she continued to massage as he leaned back in the chair.

  “Ren, what are you doing here?”

  “Giving you a massage. What did you think I was doing, silly?”

  “Alex was here earlier.” Tony sighed.

  “I know.” She lifted her hands up and moved to sit on the edge of the desk.

  “We had words,” Tony grumbled.

  “I suspected as much.” Renata fiddled with her scarf.

  “I’ve never spoken to my brother like that before.”

  “Do you regret it?”

  Tony tossed his pencil on the desk in frustration. “Yes.”

  “Call him. Apologize.”

  “I don’t know if I can.”

  “Why not?” Renata folded her arms.

  “I’m not sorry for what I said, only the way I said it.” He frowned and avoided her gaze.

  “You can’t apologize for that?” She stood up and moved back behind him. His muscles were tense.

  “I’m afraid it will start the fight all over again.” He let his head move around in response to her touch.

  “Hmmm. What was the fight about?” She used her thumbs to knead into his shoulder blades, working out the tight muscles there.

  “Ren, that feels so good,” he groaned.

  “The fight? Don’t avoid the question.” She removed her hands and came to sit on the edge of the desk, facing him again. “Spill it, Tony.”

  “I don’t want to brawl with you, too, love.” He reached for her and pulled her onto his lap. She put her arms around his neck.

  “I might be up for a good brawl. Give it a try.” Inwardly, she quaked at the thought of verbally sparring with him.

  Tony sighed. “Alex thinks I’m working too much, not taking good care of myself, and taking on too much responsibility here at the restaurant.”

  “Is he right?”

  Tony met Renata’s eyes. He shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “So why fight about it?”

  “He wants me to share the responsibility with him and my sisters. They all know the restaurant and could work in the office or help in the kitchen, so the full weight of the business wouldn’t fall on my shoulders.”

  “Sounds like a loving family. Ready to step in and help share the load. Why are you fighting it, Tony?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe the work is helping me avoid thoughts about losing Dad. Maybe I’m punishing myself for his heart attack.”

  “Or maybe it’s all of the above and you are simply too stubborn and responsible to admit you need help?”

  “Now you sound like Alex.” Tony sighed, lifted Renata off his lap, and stood in front of her. “Go home, Ren. Get your rest. You have work tomorrow, and this is none of your business.” Steel laced his voice. It was as if a thick glass wall had risen between them.

  Renata stood there, dumfounded for a moment. She had seen his anger before, but this was the first time he directed the intensity at her. She gulped. Her heart pounded. He won’t hit you. He’s not like Mick. His jaw clenched and a little muscle in his chin twitched.

  “How dare you tell me what is and what isn’t my business. I thought we were at least friends, if not possibly more than that. I love you and your family, and that alone gives me the right to care about your ‘business.’ I hear you saying that I’m wrong. My opinion and my love don’t matter. Sure, I cannot cook as well as you, but that doesn’t mean I can’t care or help in other ways.” Her breathing was rapid as panic welled up within her.

  “You. Don’t. Belong. Here. I’m sorry, Ren. I just can’t deal with you now. This is more important.” Tony ran his fingers through his hair, fatigue etched in his forehead. He was obviously beyond exhausted, which also meant he wasn’t filtering his words to placate her. Maybe that was a good thing. Better to know this side of him now, rather than to be charmed like she was with Mick.

  Grief washed over her. She wasn’t going to fight for someone who didn’t want her. She had tried that with her husband and failed, with disastrous results. A knife to her chest would hurt less than Tony’s blatant rejection. She had begun to believe that maybe this time things would be different. Deluded fool.

  She swallowed the tickle in her throat that warned her of oncoming tears. She wouldn’t cry in front of him. “As you wish, Mr. De Luca. I’m disappointed in you, though. I thought you were better than this. I thought we were better than this. I thought, of all the men I had known, that you were different. I guess my instincts were wrong again.” She spun on her heel, opened the door, and slammed it behind her.

  Childish, Ren, you’re better than that, she thought to herself.

  I know. But it sure felt good.

  She went to get her coat and Stephanie accosted her. “Well?”

  “Well, what?” Renata couldn’t help but let bitterness seep into her voice. Her hands fumbled with the buttons.

  “Ren. I heard shouting. The door slammed. I’m guessing it didn’t go well.”

  “Ding! Ding! Ding! You win the prize. I was wrong about Tony. I thought I meant more to him than I did. But now I’m wondering why I can’t find a good guy, and I’m angry that I even let my heart hope—”

  “Hope what?” Stephanie rested a hand on Renata’s arm.

  “Hope that maybe someone would love me for me.” The tears flowed freely now and Stephanie wrapped Ren in her arms.

  “Oh, sweetheart, God loves you, and so do I.”

  “Maybe that’s going to have to be enough.” She pulled away from her roommate, fished for her keys, and, after weaving through incoming guests, she took off for home. In all that time in the restaurant, Tony hadn’t come after her.

  She didn’t remember the drive. All she could envision in her mind was the coldness in Tony’s voice and eyes as he had glared at her. Should she have fought more?

  She hung up her coat and sat in her favorite chair. She hugged her knees to her chest and rocked. Her back spasmed. She rose to take a pain pill and prepare for bed.

  At least I stood up for myself. I’ve never been able to do that before.

  A lot of good that did me.

  She wept into her pillow as she prayed and offered her battered heart once again to the Lord. She begged for healing from the scabs scraped raw by the fight. It was hard to appreciate the victory when the reality of being rejected whipped her over and over.

  You’re not good enough. No one will ever love you. The mantra of her childhood came to taunt her.

  Lord, help me. I’ve sunk to the bottom of the pothole again, and I can’t get out without You.

  * * *

  Mr. De Luca came home from the hospital Sunday afternoon. There would have been rejoicing and celebration except the doctor wanted him to rest. Tony missed church with his Heavenly Father to be with his biological father and, after seeing his dad settled at hom
e, he returned to the restaurant to work.

  Tony walked through the dark, quiet building to the office and flicked on the lights. Numbers had never been his thing. He found himself exhausted, trying to figure out the daily sales receipt printouts. He managed to get payroll done, at least. He sat in his dad’s chair with his head in his hands and wondered how he was going to do this. He took a drink of water and settled down to figuring out his father’s accounting.

  Around four, Tony heard a disturbance in the restaurant. Before he could make it to the office door, he saw Alexandr, Ginger, Gianna and Gabby standing before him like an impenetrable wall.

  “What’s going on? Is Dad okay?”

  “Dad’s fine,” Alexandr responded, his tone harsh.

  Relief washed over Tony. “Then why are you all here?”

  “What did you say to Renata?” Gabby asked. Her folded arms and tapping foot clued him in to her anger.

  “I don’t know. That was several days ago. I’ve got a lot on my mind. I can barely remember breakfast.” He couldn’t remember all he had said, but he couldn’t forget the look on Renata’s face and how she had flayed him with her words. He didn’t have time for guilt over being responsible. For taking care of his family. For handling the business. If she couldn’t understand that, well—

  “If you weren’t my brother, I would be tempted to smash you through that plate glass window and pummel you within a sliver of your life. How could you treat her like that?” Alexandr’s fists clenched and the same muscle that moved in Tony’s jaw also moved in his.

  What had she told them?

  “There’s no need for violence.” Gianna turned to Tony. “You hurt her. Why would you destroy all you had been working toward?”

  Tony stayed silent, unmoving. He didn’t need to defend himself to them. This was his life.

  “We are all silent partners in the restaurant business, and we have decided we are going to be silent no longer. The attorney will draw up the papers tomorrow to make us all equal in the responsibility for running this business.” Ginger was matter-of-fact in presenting the details. Tony heard no anger from her.