Pesto and Potholes

by Baganz, Susan M. ;

  Renata helped clear the dishes as much as she could with one arm, and Sharon served coffee.

  “I have dessert, but we’ll wait for lunch to settle if that’s all right?” asked Sharon.

  Renata nodded in agreement. “Do you want help with the dishes?”

  “I have a policy that when company is here, the dishes can wait. They’ll get done later, and Dan is wonderful at helping. We work as a team that way. Kind of ‘our thing.’”

  Renata sipped her coffee. “Oh, this is good.”

  “It’s flavored coffee. My new favorite right now for the holiday, a chocolate mint. I’m glad you like it.”

  “I do.”

  “Renata, how did you come to spend Christmas alone?”

  “It wasn’t intentional, Dan. I had no invitations. I have been busy helping at De Luca’s Cucina with their bookkeeping work after I leave my job at the bank. I was exhausted on Thursday. Having to be at church early for sound check didn’t help matters, but it was a wonderful thing to be a part of. I had only slept four hours that night. By the time we finished the last song, all I could think about was my bed. I ducked out to go home and crash.”

  “Not avoiding anyone?” asked Sharon.

  “Like Tony?”

  Sharon nodded.

  “Maybe. We had a falling out after his dad’s heart surgery and, while I’ve forgiven him, I am not sure about picking up our relationship where it was. We’ve only known each other four months. I’m still trying to recover from stuff from my past and discover who I am and what I can do on my own.”

  “Have you felt pressured?”

  Renata rubbed her thumb along the top of the cup. “Maybe a little. Interesting that you would choose that word.”

  “It’s acceptable to take things slowly in a relationship. Do you care to share what you are trying to recover from?” Sharon asked gently.

  “Do you want the long version, which will have me turn into a puddle, or the abbreviated one?”

  “Whatever you feel most comfortable with. We have all afternoon, but we don’t want to push you to share anything you don’t want.”

  Renata sighed. “I’ll make it brief and maybe answer questions, if you have any.”

  Dan and Sharon nodded.

  Renata shared the story of her abusive marriage, her stillbirth, the death of her husband, and its aftermath. When she was finished, Sharon had tears in her eyes. “I’m sorry for your loss. We’ve had several miscarriages, and it never gets easier. God has not let us keep our children, either.”

  Renata reached over to grab and squeeze Sharon’s hand. “I’m sorry for your loss, too.”

  Dan cleared his voice. “I think I understand your desire to slow things down with Tony. Given your history, how would you know he wouldn’t be like Mick?”

  “At first that was my fear. But Tony has been accepting of the limits I’ve put on the relationship. It’s not that I don’t want to be physical, but I can’t take a risk. I didn’t expect a man like him to accept with such grace.”

  “He knows your story?”

  “Even more, I took him to meet my family at Thanksgiving. It was horrible. I doubt I will ever return to that house.”

  “Having a day like Christmas all to yourself was a precious thing.”

  “It was. I’ll admit I toyed with giving myself a pity party because of my elbow, but I realized something. The elbow was an accident. I slipped, and I fell. Natural cause and effect. No one’s fault. I wasn’t struck. I wasn’t insulted. I wasn’t betrayed or threatened. Compared to what I had experienced in the past, the elbow was an inconvenience, albeit a painful one. I was able to get help without anyone to stop me, and I had a safe place to come home to. I didn’t have to depend on anyone and feel at their mercy.”

  Dan nodded. “You are learning you can stand on your own two feet, other than on the ice, and you are capable. Since you’ve joined the worship team, you have blossomed. When you first came to church, it was almost as if you were hiding behind Stephanie.”

  “She was protective of me and still is. But she also respects my need to make decisions for myself. For a long time, I had no choices. Now, I’ve realized I’m not a victim anymore unless I choose to be. Mick no longer controls me. I can even feel sorry for him because he rejected Christ and will spend eternity in hell. He deserves the wrath of God and punishment for his sins against me. He didn’t get it here on earth, but I know God will handle it. I can avoid my family. They don’t love me, and at Thanksgiving I realized that maybe, other than a shared bloodline, we have nothing in common. There is never going to be anything I can do to win their favor or good opinion. In a way, it is freeing to not even have to worry about it.”

  “Still, Renata, we all need people around us to offer encouragement and affirmation and support. Even if we cannot get it from our family of origin, you are a part of our family. I’m glad we can know you better and can be part of that role in your life, to love you and support and encourage you as you grow in Christ.”

  “Thank you, Dan.”

  “Are you in a small group?” asked Sharon.

  “I attend the young adult’s thing, but that’s not small, is it? The worship team does a devotional, but beyond that, no.”

  “What would you think about being in a small group with me and maybe two other young women?”

  “How would I fit that into my life? I already feel like I have no more than two minutes to myself, and I’ll admit my attempts at a daily quiet time have been pathetic.”

  “Well, how about Mondays after you get off work? We can end a little early if you have worship rehearsal?”

  “How long will you be working at De Luca’s?” asked Dan.

  “I’m hoping after the first of the year, Mr. De Luca will be able to take over again. I’ve already talked to him about doing remote work, so he can be home more, and I’ve suggested an upgraded computer program which might do more of the work that needs to be done automatically. It would require an investment though.”

  “The De Lucas can pretty much do that kind of work themselves,” Dan observed.

  “I know, and they would have. I took on more than they asked me to.”

  “Because of Tony?” asked Sharon.

  “Not really, I was pretty ticked with him at the time. It was because they had been kind to me and needed me. No one has ever needed me before.”

  “That’s a heady thing. But I want you to consider, Renata, you may have sacrificed some of your own needs for physical and spiritual rest by taking on too much. Is it worth it?” asked Dan.

  “Not when you put it like that.”

  “Are you trying to prove your worth to Tony by stepping up like this? You said you had a fight. Were you trying to make him regret his words?” Sharon’s words stung.

  “Sounds like I’m being passive aggressive, huh? I rarely see Tony at all, and I suspect that’s bugging him, and yes, in some twisted way I’m glad. He is angry I didn’t call him Thursday.”

  “Well, if you committed to one more week, I would say continue, but try to get as much rest as you can and take care of yourself. When that ends, make a break and be done, so you can focus again on your own spiritual and emotional growth. Besides, your body needs time to heal from that fall you took on the ice.” Dan sipped his coffee and kept his eyes on her.

  “What about Tony? Right now, I don’t want to see him. I feel like maybe he took the relationship for granted. Thinking I was there to do his bidding on his terms. He has family, and I don’t, so I was to be his ‘date’ at his parents’ home every weekend and also his ‘date’ at group on Thursdays. I don’t know if I’m that ready to commit to one man.”

  “Then don’t. Let Tony know you need space and want the freedom to see others. Get to know other men at church. I know they are interested in you, but only stay away because I’ve seen the looks Tony sends their way. You are not his property. You are not married or engaged. Yet.” Sharon looked at her husband for confirmation.

 
He nodded. “I agree. Group is not a ‘dating service,’ but an opportunity to connect and socialize, and hopefully be a safe and fun place for those coming in who don’t know Christ to see how ‘family’ can feel. Yet there are many great men in the group, and if you have questions about their integrity, ask us. We’ll try to protect you, too, but we won’t hover.”

  “Thank you, Dan, and you, too, Sharon.” Renata laughed. “I feel like I had my first real ‘parental advice’ conversation.”

  “We are not old enough to be your parents. We will do what we can to be there for you.” Sharon smiled at Renata.

  “I think halftime is ending. Should we go watch the game?” Renata offered.

  “How about I get pie for us to enjoy in the living room while we see how the Packers are doing?” Sharon rose to go to the oven, warming the apple pie at a low temperature. “Would you like your pie ‘a la mode?’”

  “Thank you, but no.”

  “You know I like as much ‘mode’ as the plate can safely handle,” said Dan, smiling at his wife as he rose to lead the way to the living room.

  The Packers won, and Renata took her leave to go home. One last week of helping at De Luca’s while she tried to maintain space between herself and Tony without hurting his feelings. She smiled. As difficult as these challenges were, they were much less painful to endure than what she had already gone through. She’d survive the week and, in a strange way, looked forward to 2010.

  * * *

  Renata was home by seven-thirty on New Year’s Eve. The apartment complex was quiet. There were no parties going on yet. Stephanie worked at De Luca’s until closing, and they anticipated an unusually late night. Renata flipped through the channels to see the celebrations going on around the world as the planet crossed the imaginary line into another year.

  Around eight-thirty, she heard a knock on her door and discovered Edith there, wrapped in a robe and her hair up in curlers, and yet wearing bright red lipstick. Renata stifled a giggle.

  “Edith, Happy New Year! Do you need something?”

  “It’s the ninjas again, dearie. I think they are back, and you are the only one able to get rid of them.”

  “What have you done this time to offend Obama and Pelosi?”

  Edith glanced up and down the hallway and spoke in a whisper. “I told him to his face. I thought he was a loser!”

  “To his face?”

  “Yes, on the television.”

  “You believe he could see and hear you and knew who you were?”

  “Of course. All that secret spy stuff...they see everything.” Her eyes were wide, and her voice was a whisper.

  “Okay, I’ll come up and banish the ninjas.”

  Renata assisted Edith up the stairs, using her one good arm to hold onto this lady, afraid she would fall. “Edith, why are you upstairs? You should be living in a lower apartment.”

  “And let the ninjas walk right in the patio door? No, thank you. I’m fine, right where I am. The slant of the roof makes it harder for them to get in, you know.”

  Renata nodded. Edith stayed by the door as Renata went in and did a survey of the apartment, pretending to swat at curtains and check behind blinds and furniture and even out the window. Finally, she turned to Edith. “I think they’re gone.”

  “Thank you, dearie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Edith only now recognized Renata had a sling on.

  “Did the ninjas hurt you?”

  “Not unless they plotted against me by putting ice under my truck and causing me to slip.”

  “I wouldn’t put it past them. You need to be more careful, dearie. Where is that hunk of yours?”

  “He’s not my hunk. He is working tonight.”

  “He won’t be here to kiss you at midnight?”

  “’Fraid not, but I’ll live. Kissing isn’t always what it’s been made out to be.”

  “You have not kissed the right man yet,” Edith said with all seriousness.

  “Maybe you are right, Edith. In that case, it’s good to wait to make sure he’s the right one.”

  “Okay, dearie. Make sure you watch out for the ninjas.”

  “Happy New Year, Edith.”

  “All right, although it would be far better if studmuffin were here—”

  Renata walked down the stairs, chuckling to herself. She climbed into bed at nine-thirty and, without kissing anyone, Renata slept through the dawning of 2010.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  January 2010

  Renata slept in only until eight. It was strange to have a day with no work, no church, and no plans. She sat in the living room with a cup of spiced chai, her journal, and her Bible. She had the Christmas tree lights on and a cinnamon-scented candle lit. It was quiet and peaceful. She had turned on soft Christmas music, savored the peace, and thought about the year ahead.

  She didn’t believe in making resolutions. Instead, she thought about all the changes she anticipated this year. Getting to be on the worship team and know those people better. Maybe widening her acquaintances with men in the group. Processing her growth with Mary Beth, small group with Sharon, and, hopefully, good commissions with her job.

  Where did Tony fit in? That’s where she was stumped. Her heart did a flip-flop as she thought of him on his bike, in his jeans and cowboy boots, or dressed as the Dread Pirate Roberts.

  But she had also thought Mick was quite handsome at first, although in a different way. She had learned the hard way good looks did not equate with good character. Pastor Dan was an attractive and sincere man of God. She didn’t desire him. He was “taken.” Still, she envied what Sharon found in him to love, although she was sure their relationship was not without challenges. Infertility was a painful thing for them.

  But Tony. There was much to like, and yet her spirit hesitated. Was it his temper? He generally kept it in check but, having been on the brutal end of verbal and physical abuse, she was gun shy when it came to strong emotions. There was his family. The delightful De Lucas. What was it about them, though, that rubbed her the wrong way? Was it that they were almost too perfect? Or were they simply the way a family “should” be? How would she know? She had never seen a healthy family. Still, something was slightly off, and she couldn’t put a finger on why she felt unsettled about them. Only two more days of work for the De Lucas, and she was done. She was glad to have helped, but grateful to get back to a more normal schedule.

  She couldn’t ignore Tony. He had been her protector. He had shepherded her, comforted her, and accepted her in spite of her shameful past. He had pushed her to try the worship team. He had been a good friend, and she had thought herself well on her way to being in love with him until that one night at the restaurant when he’d reacted coldly to her challenges. Such hatred at her “interference.” Well, maybe she had felt much more a part of the family than he was ready for. Is it because of Stacy? She didn’t know. But space couldn’t hurt. She needed to slow things down. Just how did she let him know?

  She spent time in prayer and got up to make a hot breakfast for herself and Stephanie. Pancakes, eggs and bacon. She had a pot of coffee going. It would be nice to visit with her best friend. They rarely saw each other anymore. Today would be a good day.

  Breakfast was ready when Stephanie straggled out of her room. Her normally gorgeous hair was all tangled. She yawned and looked exhausted. Her robe was half-off her shoulder.

  “I won’t be offended if you want to go back to bed, Steph.”

  “Maybe later, I figured I needed to get up and see if I still had a roommate.”

  “I was thinking similar thoughts. You have no plans today?”

  “None. Just to hang out here. Maybe laundry?”

  “Whoa, hold the excitement. I’m not sure I can take that.”

  Stephanie laughed. They sat and enjoyed the meal, catching up on all Stephanie had experienced on her trip to Chicago to be with family for the Christmas holiday.

  Around noon, Renata’s cell phone rang. Stephanie grinned
and grabbed it, hitting speakerphone.

  “Hi, Renata, wondering if you want to go to a movie today?”

  “Who is this?”

  “Tony. Are you all right? You sound different.”

  “I’m fine, just chillin’ with my roomie watching Pride and Prejudice for the first time. All five hours!”

  “Is that a chick flick?”

  “Yeah, and Darcy is to die for.” Renata struggled to stifle her giggles.

  “You don’t sound right. Is this Stephanie?”

  “Busted.”

  “Very funny, can I talk to Ren, please?

  “If you insist.” Stephanie handed the phone over.

  “Hi, Tony. Sorry, she grabbed it before I could.” She bit her lip to stifle her laughter.

  “You don’t sound sorry.”

  “Okay, maybe I’m not. It was kind of funny.”

  Tony grunted. “I called to ask you to go to a movie with me today.”

  “Stephanie didn’t lie. We are spending time together and watching Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. I’ve never seen it before.”

  “Five hours?”

  “We are about ninety minutes into it, although I think we managed to polish off our popcorn already.”

  “You won’t go to a movie with me?”

  “Sorry, Tony. Steph and I need time to connect.”

  “When do I get to connect with you?” He sounded petulant. “I miss you, Ren.”

  Renata paused before answering. “I don’t know, Tony. I’ll be at De Luca’s tomorrow evening and Saturday afternoon. Then I’m done working, and your father will return. Maybe I’ll see you Sunday after church in the atrium? Or next week Thursday at group?”

  “Come on, Ren.” His voice was pleading. “I want to have a chance to sit and talk. I think we are overdue.”

  “You are right. How about next week Thursday, I meet you an hour before group in the atrium? Will your schedule allow that?

  “I’ll make it work. Why can’t we meet Sunday after church?”

  “I have plans already, to be home and catch up on rest and laundry.”

  “I feel like you are avoiding me.”