Pesto and Potholes

by Baganz, Susan M. ;

  “Tony, we are friends, but I have other friends too. I don’t belong exclusively to you.”

  “Well, I had hoped.”

  “We will talk on Thursday. Now I need to go and watch this movie—”

  “Have a good day, Ren.”

  “You too, Tony.”

  * * *

  Monday night was the first night for the Bible Study, and was more of a meet and greet. Renata liked the two other women in the group. Evelyn was older and sweet. She wished this woman had been her mother growing up. The other member was Amy from the worship team. Renata looked forward to getting to know her better.

  Before they left for the evening, Sharon took Renata aside.

  “Have you talked to Tony yet?”

  “I will, Thursday before group.”

  “We’ll be praying for you, Dan and I. Maybe next time at Bible Study you can share a little more about your journey. You gave a benign summary tonight. I’m not pushing you, but when you feel safe, I hope you can trust these women to love you and not judge you.”

  “When I’m ready, I’ll share. I find doing so loosens the shackles threatening to weigh me down at times.”

  “True. Good night, Renata.” Sharon gave her a hug, which Renata returned.

  “Good night, Sharon.”

  * * *

  Wednesday morning, Tony was back at the café for his accountability group. He was irritable, and Simon picked up on it.

  “What’s up, Tony? You don’t seem your normal, cheerful, confident self today.”

  “It’s Renata.”

  “What about her?” asked Nick.

  “She’s been avoiding me. I know I deserve it because of the way I treated her after Dad’s surgery. She had confronted me on my tendency to be a workaholic and not let anyone else help, and I told her it was none of her business and shut her out.”

  “Ouch,” said Simon.

  “Even worse, you should have seen the look on her face when she left that day.”

  “I thought she had been doing work for De Lucas.”

  “I pleaded in a letter for her help. She helped for two weeks. She says she forgave me, but I feel frozen out. Now she wants to meet on Thursday to ‘talk.’ I’m afraid I’m going to lose her.”

  “Was she yours to lose?” asked Dan.

  “I had begun to think so.”

  “Maybe you were rushing things?”

  “Maybe.”

  “You know, Tony, I’ve noticed you’re possessive of her. Maybe she needs a little room to explore and have other relationships. Has she ever indicated she wanted anything serious with you?”

  “No. She’s indicated she wouldn’t ever consider remarriage, but I thought maybe—”

  “What, you were such a great guy, and so charming she would change her mind?”

  Tony grinned. “Maybe something like that.”

  Nick patted Tony on the back. “Keep a loose grip, man. Women don’t like to be pushed or controlled. If she needs space, give it to her, and be a good friend. Curb your jealousy. I’ve seen your clenched jaw and fists when another single man speaks with her.”

  “Space, huh?”

  Nick nodded.

  “At least don’t be frightened about what she may want to talk about, Tony. From everything I’ve seen, she cares about you a great deal. If it is love, you will know in due time.” Dan was being comforting. Tony didn’t buy it.

  “If you say so.”

  The group moved on to issues in the other men’s lives and their tough questions about their spiritual walk and struggles with temptation.

  Tony went from there to work feeling unsettled. Was he controlling? He’d thought he was leading in the relationship, and Renata was willing to follow. Now she balked, and his instinct told him to push for a commitment. Make her his. His fear of losing her wasn’t a good basis to go into an engagement. Was he ready for marriage? In some ways Stacy’s betrayal still stung. He set his musings aside as he stepped into the Cucina and donned his apron. He had work to do.

  * * *

  Thursday night, Tony walked into the atrium and saw Renata seated alone near a small fountain. She didn’t see him approach.

  “Hi, Ren.”

  “Tony.” The sound of her voice clearly indicated she was startled. “I didn’t see you.” She smiled nervously and motioned to the seat across from her. She was still dressed for work.

  “You wanted to ‘talk?’ It makes me uneasy.”

  “If it’s any consolation, I’m anxious, too. I’ve been fighting a panic attack all afternoon.”

  “Well, why don’t we get over whatever it is.”

  Renata smiled. “If it were that easy.”

  Tony sat and watched her as she fiddled with the pencil she held in her hand. Her journal was in front of her, closed.

  “Okay, here it is, Tony.” She sighed deeply and plunged ahead. “I like you, more than I probably care to admit, and it terrifies me. You know my past. You have to be one of the first men I have ever felt safe around, cherished, cared for, and protected.”

  “These are bad things?”

  She laughed. “No, they are wonderful things, but foreign and overwhelming. It scares me.”

  “What do you want?”

  “I wish I knew. Tony, I want the freedom to interact with a variety of people. This church is the first place I’ve ever felt like I was valued and appreciated simply for being...me. It’s something I have never experienced before. I want to enjoy it and the freedom to be with others without being hurt and insulted. I want to grow up more in Christ.”

  “You want me to back off?”

  “Tony, I don’t want to lose your friendship. But if I’m to grow, I need to stop hiding. Behind anything or anyone. Does that make sense?”

  “I’m not sure—”

  “If I focus only on our relationship, because it’s comfortable and safe for me, how do I grow? Nothing has ever been safe, and I cherish it all the more, but I know that God wants me, at times, to step out of my comfort zone when it comes to meeting and interacting with more people. I want to grow in my confidence here at church, like I have at work.”

  “I think I understand. I don’t want to hinder you in any way.”

  “That means I might spend time with others, away from you. Would it be all right?”

  Tony’s gut twisted. It wasn’t tolerable.

  “Tony, I’m not cutting you out of my life.”

  “It feels like it.”

  “I’m not Stacy.”

  “I know.”

  “Can I be honest about something else difficult for me?”

  “Why not?”

  “It’s your family.”

  “What about them?”

  “I love them. They are wonderful people. You spend almost every weekend with them. You see family members every day. It’s too close, if that’s possible.”

  “What do you expect? We share a restaurant, and we like each other a lot.” She wanted him to cut ties with his family? How dare she?

  “Don’t get defensive, Tony, but I want you to think of this, because I have. What if you marry someday? How much would your wife get of you? Between working and family? When would you devote time to a relationship with your wife?”

  “Well, Sundays—”

  “But that’s with family.”

  “Okay, come on. This is not an issue.”

  “Tony, remember what your father spoke about when we had a dinner, the four of us, after his surgery?”

  “What?”

  “He spoke of why he moved to Germantown from Chicago and his father’s restaurant.”

  “Yeah? So?” Tony shrugged.

  “Do you remember or know why he did it?” There was an urgency to Renata’s question.

  “Sure, the family was running dad’s life and he felt like, if he wanted to grow, he needed to strike out on his own and put distance between them.”

  Her intense gaze forced him to stop and consider her words. It didn’t take long for i
t to dawn on him. “Do you think I can’t be fully who I am because my family is too involved in my life?” He sat back and blinked rapidly. This is almost too much to comprehend.

  Renata nodded. “They love you, and they mean well. I’m not saying you need to give up the restaurant and move to another state like your parents did. But, at some point, you need to have your own life, apart from your family. A wife isn’t going to want to share you with more than your work, which is asking a lot, given your current lifestyle.”

  Tony watched Renata fiddle again with her pencil and avoid his eyes. “You have given me a lot to think about.”

  “Tony, you have become a dear friend, but I wouldn’t be much of a friend if I weren’t honest about what I saw, and how I think it hinders you.”

  This time it was Tony’s turn to sigh. His mind raced to find something to attack in Renata, but he knew retaliation for the hurt he felt inside wasn’t good. Hadn’t she suffered enough insults and condemnation at the hands of men? “I guess I owe you gratitude. I want to apologize again for my defensiveness the night you confronted me at the restaurant. I lost something precious. Will we ever be able to be comfortable again?”

  “Are you going to stop hovering over me? Especially when another man is speaking with me?”

  “Yes, but I don’t have to like it.”

  “Oh, but I have to be accepting when you talk with other girls, don’t I?”

  “Right.” He winced at the hypocrisy of his own words. “Okay.”

  Renata extended her hand to shake his. Instead he clasped it, brought it to his lips, and kissed it. Tony rose, excused himself, and left the atrium area. He decided not to stay for the fun and games tonight. He had too much to think about.

  Tony watched her on Sunday morning as she interacted with a variety of men and women from group. Tony wasn’t able to sit close to her. She smiled at him, and later in the café she came up to him and gave him a hug from the side before flitting off to talk with other people she knew. Where had she gotten to know all these people? He wondered. Duh, here at church, in group, at music rehearsal. When had she become popular? She didn’t act like a shy little wren anymore, and he missed that.

  The next Wednesday, the men nailed Tony to the wall about the “talk” with Renata.

  “Well, Tony, what did she say?” asked Pastor Dan.

  “I’m not sure I want to talk about it.”

  “Come on, we’re your friends. Spill.” This time it was Simon.

  “You were right. She wanted space, but she also told me I was too close to my family and their constant involvement in my life was holding me back from becoming the man I should be.”

  “Did she really use those words?” Nick was asking now.

  “No, but that’s the gist of it. She said if I ever got married I would have nothing to give a wife because my work and my family take it all.”

  “Interesting, she was pondering what it would be like to be married to you and found some difficulties?” Dan asked.

  Tony frowned. He had been depressed about this since she had talked to him almost a week before. He still didn’t fully understand it all.

  Nick smiled. “Tony, you do realize she had to have imagined the possibility of marriage to you. What do you think of that?”

  Tony sat back, stunned. “I hadn’t thought of it. She spoke of “wife” not of herself in the position. But why else would she be concerned, huh?” Tony grinned.

  “Do you think there is any truth in what she had to say?” Dan prodded.

  “I’ve been thinking about my life and my schedule and how many times I talk to one or more of my family members in a day. How they call, or advise, sometimes with the business, or share their lives. I speak to my mom or dad at least once a day. I thought it was normal.”

  “It’s not a bad thing to be close to your family, but are they holding you back?” asked Simon.

  “I don’t know. But my work schedule is the killer right now. I may need to do more training of other chefs so I can work a more normal week, even if my hours are crazy.”

  “How are you feeling about backing off in your pursuit of Renata?” Simon queried.

  “I don’t like it. She greeted me warmly on Sunday, and I noticed she greeted more people at church than I ever realized she knew. Maybe I was holding her back.”

  “Maybe, but don’t lose hope,” said Dan.

  “I won’t.”

  * * *

  Two weeks later, Renata was on the stage as part of the worship team. She had left her sling in the back room for performances. Her elbow was still sore, but doing better. She held it to herself but at least didn’t feel as conspicuous as with the sling on. She looked around the auditorium and spotted Tony and many of the other people she was acquainted with. There was a new young woman there. She had almost-white blonde hair cut in a bob, softening her angular face. Renata saw her slip in at the end of Tony’s row.

  After the service, she was about to go to the atrium when Stephanie came up to her and drew her aside from the crowd. “Stacy’s back,” she hissed conspiratorially in Renata’s ear.

  “Stacy?”

  “The shapely blonde wearing a red, low-cut top and short black skirt and heels?” Stephanie pointed through the crowd. “The one hanging all over Tony?”

  Renata looked and saw the woman rubbing up against him. “Oh.”

  “That’s all you can say? Oh? I thought you and Tony were an ‘item?’”

  “Steph, I asked him to back off a few weeks ago. I have no claims on him, and he has none on me.”

  “What nonsense is this? I guess having a tart hanging all over him doesn’t bother you in the least?”

  “Please don’t call her names. You know I cannot stand those kinds of insults.”

  “I wasn’t directing them at you.”

  “It doesn’t matter. She doesn’t deserve that kind of talk.”

  “How can you be calm about this?”

  “Who said I was calm? I care for Tony, but there isn’t any future relationship for us at this point in time.”

  “What? I thought you guys were perfect for each other.”

  “We had issues we disagreed on.”

  “Care to elaborate?”

  “No.”

  “Fine, I’m only your best friend, trying to look out for you. Seriously, that woman”—she pointed to the blonde dragging Tony to the lobby—“doesn’t bother you?”

  “It bothers me as much as a strong kick to the gut.” She winced as real, physical pain gripped her abdomen. “But I’ve survived it before, and I will again.” With one last glance toward Tony and Stacy, Renata turned to walk toward the backstage area to compose herself. It was a much more difficult task than she anticipated. Only by the grace of God did she make it through the second service without breaking down in tears.

  * * *

  Tony was not having a good morning. January was a slower month for restaurants, although they had Christmas parties, which kept income steady. The party last night had gone on later than expected, and he was exhausted. He was enjoying worship when he felt a tingle of unease during the greeting time and noticed the woman at the end of his row. His heart fell to his feet. Stacy? She was back. He didn’t want to see her. He felt a mixture of anger and attraction. She looked as beautiful as she had when he had last seen her.

  After the service, Stacy waylaid Tony as he exited his row. She reached up to give him a kiss on the cheek.

  “Tony, how lovely to see you.” Her voiced gushed with a phoniness he had been blind to in the past.

  “Stacy. What brings you back to the North in the dead of winter?”

  “You do, silly man.” She grabbed his arm, leaning heavily against him as she spoke, pressing her chest into him. She was his height with her heels on, if not slightly taller. She obviously had no notion of “personal space.”

  “I cannot see why you would come back for me after what you did.”

  “Oh, that? Easily forgotten, isn’t it?”
>
  “No. What about your husband?”

  “I’m divorced now. It didn’t work out. Starter marriage.” She flipped her hand as if it was an inconsequential matter.

  “How can you dump someone that quickly?”

  “Tony, you cannot know how hard it was. When we moved, I had a job but he didn’t. I worked and slaved, and he did nothing but sponge off of me.”

  “Pity that.” He snorted to himself. Funny, she worked hard to support a man while another was paying off her debts charged to him. Poetic justice? Maybe.

  “Are you going to be with your lovely family this afternoon? I would love to see them all again,” Stacy purred. “Unless you would have some ideas of other ways we could spend our time?”

  “Our time? Stacy, there is no ‘our’ to even consider, and you are not welcome in my life. You can go south or find some other sucker to marry you, but it isn’t going to be me.” He shook her loose and strode away. She clung like a barnacle.

  “Tony, you were always such a tease. I’m sure it’s been a shock to see me here. I’ll say adieu for now.” She blew him a kiss as she released him. She walked away with an exaggerated swish of her short skirt. Tony tore his eyes away and went to seek out other friends to talk to.

  * * *

  Wednesday came around again, and Tony brought the issue of Stacy up to his friends.

  “I was shocked to see her. No apology. She thinks she can pick up where she left off. I wanted to throw up.”

  Dan smiled. “She was dressed to gain attention, that’s for sure.”

  “She looked like a tramp,” said Tony.

  “What do you want to do?” asked Nick. “You realize she could show up at group tomorrow night?”

  “She’s been calling and texting several times a day. I finally called my cell phone company to block the number. I’m going to skip this Thursday. I don’t want to be near her.”

  “What about Renata?” asked Simon.

  “What about her?”

  “Well, what if she saw Stacy? What if Stacy starts spouting lies? How do you think Renata would react?”

  “Renata has no proprietary interest in me,” said Tony as he pushed his eggs around on his plate. He hadn’t eaten much. He had no appetite.

  “I don’t know if that’s true, Tony,” said Nick. “She brought issues to your attention for you to consider if you were to ever think of marriage. She had thought of it. She cared enough for you to share it. I’ve seen the way she looks at you. I doubt she meant the space to be a permanent thing, only a time for her to spread her wings. What if she’s testing your constancy?”