by Hannah Ellis
He edged closer. “It’s just a blue-tongue.”
“It moved like a snake,” I insisted. “And it’s really big.”
“Definitely a lizard,” he told me.
“I just can’t do this!” I screamed, not even sure what I was referring to. “I’ve had enough.”
“Okay,” Stan said slowly. “Let’s stop shouting.”
I inhaled deeply and nodded, feeling like a complete idiot. “Sorry.”
“No worries. Come with me, we’ll have a drink.”
In the office neither of us said anything for a few minutes, but the beer Stan gave me calmed me down and I felt much saner again, though slightly embarrassed by my outburst.
“What’s going on then?” Stan finally asked.
“I don’t know,” I said miserably.
“You don’t want to talk about it you mean?”
“I really don’t know,” I said again. Actually, I did know. I just didn’t want to admit it to anyone, including myself.
He opened a drawer and pulled out a deck of playing cards. “You play poker?”
I shook my head.
“Kids,” he said, tutting as he shuffled the deck. “What do they teach you these days?”
“You gonna teach me?” I asked.
“Seems like it.”
By the end of the afternoon, I was a pro. Stan roped in a couple of guys who were staying at the Croc – farm workers who were in town for the weekend – and we whiled away a good few hours.
“You off to see this film everyone’s on about?” Stan asked when we packed up the cards. The other fellas had gone over to the Tav for the evening.
“No,” I said, feeling the anger seeping back.
“Why not?”
“I don’t feel like it, I’m gonna get some food and go to bed. Hopefully tomorrow’s a better day.”
“It’s humid today,” he said. “The heat does funny things to people.”
I left him to rustle up some dinner and was just tidying up when a figure appeared in the kitchen doorway.
“You ready?” Joe asked.
“For what?”
“Movie night, of course. Cam was picking Leslie up so I said I’d swing by for you and meet them there.”
“I thought you weren’t going?”
“Changed my mind,” he said quietly.
“I wasn’t planning on going,” I told him.
“Since when? Cam said you were coming.”
“I’ve got some stuff to do.”
He tilted his head to one side. “I brought loads of snacks. You need to help me eat them.”
“It’s a shame Beth can’t go,” I said, closing a cupboard with more force than I’d intended.
“Yeah.” He shifted his weight and glared at me. “You coming or not?”
I held his gaze, trying to decide. My emotions were a jumble when I walked past him in the direction of my room. I didn’t know what to do. Of course I wanted to go to the movie with him, but spending time with Joe felt increasingly like tormenting myself.
“Please come,” he said when I reached my door.
That’s all it took. I was powerless to refuse.
***
The Picture Gardens were just outside town. Rows of pickups were lined up haphazardly at the back half of the field, while closer to the screen, rows of assorted seating were set up – mostly camping chairs and deck chairs. When we pulled up beside them, Leslie and Cam were seated atop an assortment of cushions and blankets in the back of Cam’s ute, with the truck-bed facing the screen.
Joe’s ute was set up similarly, and I felt awkward as I sat beside him in the back. I wondered if Beth knew he was with me. On the occasions she came out with us, she was kind and chatted to me, but sometimes I had the feeling it was all fake, like she felt she had to make an effort but secretly would rather I wasn’t there.
Silence fell when the big screen lit up. The air was warm and stars were visible overhead. True to his word, Joe had snacks and passed me things at intervals over the course of the film. I struggled to concentrate, and kept quiet when Joe leaned over to make the occasional comment about the film. It was coming to the end when my skin began to tickle. I’d got used to the flies and mosquitoes, but this felt different. I swiped at my cheek but felt nothing. The tickling continued and my hands moved frequently to my face. Joe leaned over and ran a finger down my cheek.
“What is it?” I asked.
His eyes sparkled in the dim light. “Nothing that’ll hurt you.”
I rubbed my face with both hands, making him laugh.
As soon as the credits rolled up, Joe took my hand and helped me down from the truck-bed. When he opened the passenger door I moved inside, puzzled as he sat beside me and switched the light on before pulling the rear-view mirror towards me.
“Oh my God!” I said, taking in my reflection. My face was streaked with black, and I vaguely resembled a chimney sweep. “What is that?”
Joe’s face was the same: smeared with black.
“They’re burning sugar cane,” he told me. “It’s the ash. Winds must have changed direction.”
“How weird,” I said, looking at my reflection once more and attempting to rub away the soot.
When I turned to Joe he reached for my cheek, sending my heart into overdrive. “It’s our snow.” Our eyes locked and the air around us was charged. “Black snow.”
“What did you think?” Cam asked, peering in the window. “All right, wasn’t it?”
“I loved it!” Leslie announced, arriving at the opposite window.
I smiled back at her. My heart was racing and I felt like I’d been caught out.
“Shall we head to the Tav?” Cam asked.
“I’m gonna head home,” I said. “I’m done in.”
“Well that’s very boring,” he replied. “What about you, Joe?”
“I’ll see you there,” he said.
We drove back in silence and said a quick, curt goodbye outside the Croc. Tears stung my eyes as I crawled into bed, and I had to push thoughts of Joe from my mind, reminding myself of Beth and their perfect relationship.
Chapter 27
LIBBY – August 2017
With a jolt, the hammock moved and I was awake again. I’d barely had five minutes’ sleep. Andrew was standing next to me.
“Do you want to go back to the beach?” he asked. I squinted up at him, confused. He took my hand and pulled me up. “Every night I tell myself I’ll get up to watch the sunrise. And so far, I’ve not managed it. Now’s my chance!”
“Okay,” I said, stretching and blinking away sleep.
To avoid Andrew having to carry me, I slipped into my room to get my tattered trainers. There was someone in my bed, and the remnants of a wild night were scattered around the floor. We walked in silence to the beach and arrived just as the first glimpse of sunlight arrived on the horizon. I followed Andrew to a spot on top of a low sand dune and automatically sat close to him. When he put an arm around my shoulder, I leaned into him like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Neither of us said a word. We just sat for half an hour in awe of the changing colours of the sky. Waves rolled gently onto the shore, creating a perfect lullaby as the sun gave us the most breathtaking of shows. The rich reds and golds seeped into the bright blue sky and shimmered elegantly on the surface of the water. I should get up for this every morning. It was perfect.
When the sun had fully risen and the sky settled back into its stunning bright blue, Andrew pulled me up. My legs moved automatically until Andrew stopped me, tugging on my hand until I’d turned to face him, dazed and confused.
My insides fluttered at the look in his eyes, and when he moved to kiss me, my heart rate increased dramatically. He’d taken me by surprise, but kissing him felt so natural, and I didn’t want it to stop.
“I’ll bet we can find your shoes now,” he said when he finally moved his lips from mine. A clean-up crew had arrived on the beach and Andrew was right; in the
blinding light of day, my sandals were easy to find, scattered with many others in the soft sand.
Walking back to the Koala Village, a hangover niggled at my head and my stomach. The magic of night-time had disappeared, leaving me feeling washed out. I was in desperate need of a long sleep and a good wash. When Andrew left me back at my quiet bungalow, I returned his hoodie, ignoring him when he insisted I could give it to him later. He kissed me again, making my insides flutter.
“I had a fun night,” he said, pulling away. “And I definitely wasn’t moping.” I knew what he was going to say next. “I took your advice. You should take mine.”
“I’ll think about it,” I said, smiling as I moved zombie-like inside, happy to find my bed had been vacated. The room smelled sweaty and foul but I didn’t care; I flopped into bed and passed out.
At lunchtime, I showered for too long, only dragging myself out from the blissful spray when someone banged at the door and demanded I hurry up. Thoughts of my father swirled in my head, and I found myself unable to focus on anything else. I’d come all this way and I should find out. I should do what Mum wanted and find Joe Sullivan.
By the time I reached the bar area and picked at what was left of the continental breakfast, it was clear in my head what I needed to do. And I wanted to get on with it. It felt like I was being physically pushed; I needed to go and find Joe Sullivan, and I needed to do it immediately.
Yvonne hadn’t been in our bungalow when I’d gone to bed – I assumed she was with Simon somewhere. When she didn’t reply to my messages, I guessed they were still asleep. I hung around for a while, hoping to catch one of them; I couldn’t even remember which bungalow the boys were staying in. Deciding that if I waited I’d chicken out, I fetched my backpack and hitched a ride to the harbour with my roommates. I felt slightly uneasy at not saying goodbye to Andrew but sent a message to Yvonne, telling her I’d hit the road and not to worry when she couldn’t find me.
With a sense of purpose I hadn’t felt since leaving the UK, I boarded the boat back to Townsville and from there found my way to a bus which would take me the 350 kilometres to Cairns. I managed to spend a night in Cairns without speaking to anyone except the girl on reception at the hostel.
I lay awake for most of that night. The flights were booked so I couldn’t back out, but to say I was apprehensive was an understatement. In the early hours, just as I felt myself falling asleep, an image of Andrew swinging in the hammock and grinning at me entered my head. Reaching for my phone, I thought of sending him a message before realising I didn’t have his number. I’d have to ask Yvonne for it. She’d messaged me to say she had an awful hangover and couldn’t believe I’d left without saying goodbye.
I’d also had a message from Uncle Rob telling me to call home, an email from Aunt Mel, giving me the rundown of her week, and the usual mundane messages from Heidi telling me exciting news like what she’d had to eat for lunch.
Thoughts of Andrew lingered. After pouring my heart out to him, I felt connected to him, and I was annoyed with myself for leaving in such a hurry.
Chapter 28
EVELYN – December 1994
The Christmas of 1994 was the first Christmas I’d spent away from home. I’d been invited to spend the day with Joe’s family at his parents’ house. He had ignored my concerns that I’d be gatecrashing a family event and insisted that I should come. Stan would be there too and Leslie – and Beth, of course. Cam was with family, and Kai had gone back to spend a couple of weeks in Broome.
Stan and I had breakfast together on Christmas morning. It was the first time I’d been inside his little cottage, which was hidden away at the far end of the grounds of the Croc. It was a cosy little place, and it was the first time I’d seen evidence of his late wife. There were pictures of both of them around the house, and her impression was left all around in the furnishings and ornaments. Stan clearly hadn’t made many changes to the place. He poured tea from a teapot with a delicate floral pattern and served up bacon and eggs. It was a quiet breakfast but I was content. As a gift, I’d bought him a huge corkboard. I wanted him to hang it in his office and pin photos to it. A photo guest book, always on display. He liked the idea.
When I unwrapped his gift to me, I had to laugh. A photo album. He wanted me to fill it with photos of my time in Kununurra. He’d already added the first few photos for me. I promised to fill it with memories and treasure it forever.
“It was that or a hedge trimmer,” he said, “but I thought you’d struggle to get that on the plane.”
“You’re talking a lot about me leaving,” I said. “Looking forward to getting rid of me, are you?”
He shook his head. “I’m actually very glad you came along when you did.”
Reaching over, I gave him a kiss on the cheek. “We better get going. You need a drink, you’re getting all soppy on me!”
We drove to Mick and Claire’s house and the day was instantly rowdier. It was a stunning house in a wonderful setting. The lawn was perfectly kept and rolled at a gentle incline down to the river, which glistened below. There was a hot tub on the deck and a long sheet of thin plastic had been set up on the slope of the lawn with a hosepipe to create a makeshift water slide for the kids – although when I arrived, Joe was shoving a squealing Leslie down it while her young niece and nephew looked on in great amusement.
“Happy Christmas!” Mick called when he caught sight of me and Stan.
There was a round of hugs and greetings, the excitement of the whole Sullivan clan rubbing off on me.
“Hope you’ve got your bathers,” Joe said, wrapping me in a great big hug.
I pulled my T-shirt off my shoulder to reveal my bikini strap. “I’m all ready!”
“Great!” Leslie said. “You’ve got to have a go on the slide.”
Her brother-in-law sprayed me with a water gun in lieu of a greeting, and I moved to the deck to undress and join in with the water fun. It was a good half an hour before I noticed Beth at all. She must have been inside the house and I’d been having too much fun running around the garden like a big kid.
I hadn’t seen much of Beth recently but there was a new awkwardness to our exchanges. All she seemed to talk about was her Sydney plans. It was the last thing I wanted to hear about, since I was trying to pretend it wasn’t happening. Our interactions had become increasingly stilted and polite.
She kissed my cheek as she wished me merry Christmas.
“Happy Christmas!” I replied, before we descended into an awkward silence.
“Is it strange not being with your family at Christmas?” she asked.
“Not really,” I said. “It doesn’t feel like Christmas to me. I’m used to it being freezing cold.” I paused, but then felt the need to fill the silence. “Leslie and Joe feel like family anyway,” I said without thinking.
She smiled politely, but it hardly hid her true feelings. I felt uncomfortable around her, and I always seemed to blurt out inappropriate comments when I was tense.
Joe arrived on the deck, dripping wet and laughing. “Come and join the fun,” he said, looking at us both and wrapping an arm around Beth’s waist. When she leaned in to kiss him passionately, he looked surprised.
Claire was in the kitchen when I slipped inside, feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. “Do you need any help?” I asked.
“Yes!” she said. “The meat just needs to go out to Mick . . .” She handed me a big platter.
“Wow!” I looked at the array of salads and dips to go with the barbecue. “This all looks delicious.”
“Not quite like your English Christmas, is it?”
“Not at all!” I said. “I love it. Thanks for inviting me.”
“It’s nice to have you. Nobody else is offering to help! Besides, Joe and Leslie never stop talking about you – it would be weird if you weren’t here.”
I smiled and took the meat outside. Beth had managed to peel herself off Joe and people were sitting around on the deck, chatting and d
rinking while the kids carried on playing on the water slide. After handing the meat over, I sat with Leslie, who squeezed my hand. “I’m so glad you’re here!” she said.
“Me too,” I told her.
Joe smiled at me as he moved to help Mick with the barbecue, and I found myself annoyed with him. He shouldn’t be so friendly; if he didn’t flash me the smiles and the winks, my life would be so much easier. He made everything so confusing.
Christmas at the Sullivans’ was exactly as Christmas should be. It was all about spending time with loved ones and having fun. The air was filled with laughter and barbecue smoke, and everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves. Gifts were exchanged, and I was surprised when I was inundated with presents too. Even Leslie’s sister had bought me something: a cute little manicure set. Joe and Beth gave me a book by a local author – fiction set in the Kimberley region, full of places I would recognise. Leslie gave me a Kununurra souvenir shot glass and from Mick and Claire I got a stubby cooler with the slogan I survived the outback!
Sadly, I realised that most of my gifts had a similar theme; they were souvenirs, things to remind me of my time here once I’d left. My flight was booked and I only had a couple of months remaining. The thought made me feel sick. Then I remembered Joe’s impending move to Sydney, and my heart sank even further.
Joe beamed when he opened the key ring I’d bought for him; the fob was a blue pickup like his, and he seemed really pleased with it.
We were lazing around late in the afternoon when I suddenly felt the urge to go back to the Croc. Beth was cuddled up with Joe on the porch swing, and I was filled with jealousy that I couldn’t ignore.
When I took a bunch of dirty dishes into the kitchen, Joe followed me in. “You having a good time?” he asked.
“Yeah, lovely. I’ll probably head off soon though. Give you a bit of a break from me.”
He gave me a puzzled look. “Don’t be daft.”
“You probably want some time just with family,” I said, turning to load the dishwasher.
“You are family. It’s Christmas, you can’t go and sit alone in your room.”
