Always With You

by Hannah Ellis

  Even the pen was against me, and I flung it across the room before scrunching up the sheets of paper. My head dropped to the table and I sobbed at the unfairness of it all. It crossed my mind to pack my bags and leave Kununurra right there and then. Maybe I’d just stayed too long. Maybe the heat was getting to me.

  My mind wouldn’t budge from the thought of Joe leaving. The idea of him not being around was more than I could bear. If only I could reset my emotions.

  As illogical as it seemed, I decided that the best plan was to avoid him. I could probably carry on and pretend everything was fine, if only I didn’t have to see him.

  It soon became clear that my plan wouldn’t be so easy to put into action. Joe was standing in the doorway to Bushcamp when I left for work the next morning.

  “Hey!” he called.

  I waved with as much enthusiasm as I could muster. “Morning!”

  “How you doing?”

  “Fine,” I said, quickening my step. “Late for work!”

  “You missed a good day yesterday.”

  I smiled wanly. “I’ve got to run. Catch you later!”

  ***

  Leslie was sitting at the bar when I finished my shift. I couldn’t even escape my friends at work. “Where’ve you been hiding?” she asked.

  “I saw you two days ago!”

  “You avoiding all of us or just Joe?” she asked, sucking her Coke through a straw and not looking at me.

  I silently cursed Cam and his big mouth. “Just Joe,” I confessed.

  “Good. Wanna come to mine for a movie afternoon?” I hesitated as she slurped the last of her drink. “I promise you won’t see Joe. We don’t even have to mention his name.”

  “Okay,” I agreed, glad I didn’t have to miss out on seeing my friends.

  It was impossible to avoid seeing Joe completely, but for the week after Christmas, I managed to only see him in passing. My liver had a well-earned rest.

  Leslie promised to call on me on New Year’s Eve to escort me to the Tav. I think she was worried I would skip out on the festivities if she didn’t come and frogmarch me over there. Much as I didn’t feel like socialising, I also had no desire to sit on my own feeling sorry for myself. I’d just slipped into my dress when the knock came at the door.

  “You’re early,” I said as I opened it. “Oh, hi.” I was surprised to see Beth standing in the doorway.

  “Could we talk?” she said, not bothering with her usual polite smile.

  “Yes.” I held the door open wide. “Do you want a drink or anything?” I asked nervously.

  She shook her head and took a seat on the end of my bed. “I’m sorry I was always cold towards you,” she said, her frankness catching me off guard and causing me to do a goldfish act with my mouth opening and closing as I searched for a response.

  “I like you, actually,” she said sadly before looking me right in the eye. “I just never liked the way Joe looked at you.”

  I sat beside her on the bed, shaking my head and spluttering unintelligibly. “I never . . . we never . . .”

  “It’s okay,” she said, finally taking pity on me with a sad smile. “I’m not accusing you of anything. But please don’t pretend you don’t have feelings for him.”

  I wanted to protest and convince her of my innocence, but her big eyes pleaded with me for honesty and I couldn’t think of a good reason to lie to her – or myself.

  “I do have feelings for him,” I said. “But he loves you. He’s going to Sydney with you.” I smiled in some attempt at a pretence of being happy for them.

  “No, he’s not,” she said.

  My heart quickened. “What?”

  “Joe belongs here.” She shook her head and let out a strange laugh. “He’s going to work in Bushcamp forever. His life will always be much the same as it is now. He’ll work, he’ll fish, he’ll drink . . .” She paused. “He’ll get married and have a couple of kids. And he’ll be blissfully happy! That’s Joe.” She choked on a sob and I reached for her hand. “I wanted him to be someone else. To be ambitious and want the things I want. But forcing him to move and follow my dreams is just cruel.”

  “He’s not going to leave?” I asked tearfully.

  “When I told him to stay, he looked like a prisoner who’d been told they could go free.” She stood then, clearly not wanting to linger in my company for longer than necessary.

  I nodded when she said goodbye, unable to form any words.

  As I watched her leave, I wondered at how hard it must have been for her to talk to me. She could have just left and not said anything to me. It was easy to see why Joe loved her. She’s so bloody perfect.

  Chapter 31

  EVELYN – December 1994

  I was still processing the visit from Beth when Leslie waltzed in, all dressed up for the big New Year’s Eve party.

  “It’s official,” she said, excitedly. “Joe and Beth have split up!”

  “I heard.”

  “You don’t seem very excited?”

  “I’m not sure what to think. Beth just came to talk to me. I feel really weird.”

  “What’s to feel weird about? Now you and Joe can get together! I’m excited, even if you’re not.”

  “I don’t even know if he wants to be with me,” I said, standing and moving to the door. I didn’t dare hope that something might happen between me and Joe, but it was such a relief that he wasn’t leaving Kununurra. “Come on. I really need a drink.”

  The Tav was heaving and Leslie and I fought our way to the bar before moving outside where there was slightly more space. Joe and Cam were deep in conversation, sitting opposite each other on a long table. They shuffled along when they saw us.

  “Where’ve you been hiding all week?” Joe asked while Cam and Leslie slipped into their own conversation.

  “Working, mostly,” I said. “And helping Stan out a bit.”

  “I thought you were avoiding me?” His voice was calm but the statement came out as a question.

  My shoulders rose and my head bobbed in a gesture that meant absolutely nothing. At this point, it seemed obvious to everyone that I was avoiding Joe, and I suspected everyone knew the reason why. Joe must’ve known too.

  “You’re not working tomorrow, are you?” Cam asked.

  “No, I intend to sleep all day!” I said.

  “Great,” he said, grinning mischievously. “So we can party all night!”

  “Let’s do shots,” Leslie said, standing and nudging Cam to go to the bar with her.

  I waited for Joe to say something about Beth and about his cancelled move to Sydney. When he kept quiet, I tried to help the conversation along. “Everything okay with Beth?”

  “Fine,” he said, lifting his glass to his lips. My eyebrows knitted together when I looked at him. “I guess you heard we split up,” he said finally.

  “Yeah,” I said. “Sorry.”

  “I’m not going to Sydney,” he added with a shrug before changing the subject. “You must be glad of a day off tomorrow after all your shifts this week?”

  My mind struggled to keep up. Was that really all he was going to say on the subject? I had no idea where I stood if Beth was out of the picture, but I’d at least expected him to talk to me about it. Did he think it was none of my business? Did he think I wouldn’t care? Maybe he really didn’t have any idea why I’d been avoiding him.

  “That’s all you’re going to say?” I asked, my annoyance clear. “You split up and now you’re staying? End of conversation?”

  He looked confused. “What am I supposed to say?”

  “Nothing,” I said angrily, deciding I couldn’t be bothered explaining things. Cam and Leslie were heading back over. “Nothing at all!”

  I reached for the sticky green liquid as soon as it was on the table and knocked it back.

  “Cheers, then!” Cam said, looking at me with a raised eyebrow.

  “Cheers,” I said, slamming the glass down. The great thing about living in a small town was th
ere were always people I knew in the pub. Scanning the crowd, my eyes landed on one of the lifeguards from the pool. I raised my hand to wave. “I’m just going to say hi to Craig,” I said, taking my beer with me.

  The next few hours were spent flitting around the crowd, chatting with everyone and anyone: whatever it took to stay away from Joe. The trouble was, the more I drank, the more I could feel his eyes on me, and when I glanced his way, our eyes would lock and my stomach would do acrobatics.

  I joined Leslie on the dance floor for a while, and it wasn’t until I was on my way back from the toilets late in the evening that I finally came face to face with Joe. He was waiting for me and I couldn’t escape.

  “Can we talk?” he asked. Before I could answer, he took my hand and pulled me towards the front door. The feel of his hand in mine was all I could concentrate on as we bumped our way through the crowd.

  “Please stop avoiding me,” he said out on the road. “It’s driving me crazy. It’s New Year’s Eve and I just want to spend the evening with you.”

  My resolve crumbled at his proximity. I just wanted to spend the evening with him too. I wanted everyone else to disappear and it just be the two of us.

  “I couldn’t stand to see you with Beth any more,” I confessed. “And I couldn’t stand the thought of you leaving. That’s why I spent all week avoiding you. I’d just had enough of it. Then Beth turned up and told me that you’d split up and I thought . . . I don’t know what I thought but . . . I just don’t know what to think.”

  “I’m sorry,” he said, both his hands in mine. “I just had such a crap week and my head is all over the place . . .”

  “I understand that you and Beth breaking up can’t have been easy,” I began, trying not to let my emotions get the better of me.

  “It’s not that,” he said. “Breaking up with Beth was a relief. It was not seeing you that was hard. I didn’t know if I’d done something to upset you?”

  “No.” I sniffed. “I just thought that if I stayed away from you then maybe I could get over you.”

  “Don’t do that,” he said, a smile spreading over his face. “Please don’t do that!”

  “Okay,” I agreed, my whole body tingling as he moved closer to me.

  “There you are!” Leslie shouted as the door crashed open. “It’s almost midnight! Come on!”

  We followed her inside, hand in hand. I would never have imagined that 1994 could end quite so happily. Standing in the busy courtyard as the countdown was shouted around us, I gazed into Joe’s eyes. He didn’t bother waiting until midnight to kiss me, and it was so intense that I was barely aware of the noise all around us. When our lips finally moved apart, I laughed at the confetti scattering around us and my heart swelled even more when I caught sight of Cam and Leslie kissing in the corner.

  1995 was off to a good start.

  Chapter 32

  LIBBY – August 2017

  From Cairns, I got a flight to Darwin and then had a three-hour wait for my next flight. It was an hour’s flight from Darwin to Kununurra. I jerked out of my daydream and peered through the window as I felt the plane begin its descent. The dusty red landscape stretched out below, and I had to strain my eyes to find any sign of civilisation. The town of Kununurra was visible beside the winding river. Mum had been here, I thought to myself, suddenly overwhelmed by emotions.

  I wasn’t prepared for the stifling heat of the outback. Walking down the steps of the small aircraft, I was enveloped by the hot, humid air and fought the urge to run back on board and beg the pilot to turn around and take me back. If I retraced my path, I could be back in the Koala Village in twenty-four hours. I imagined finding Andrew, Simon and Yvonne sitting by the pool, laughing and drinking cold beers. I’d pull up a chair and blush under Andrew’s gaze.

  But no, I was here, in the little outback town I’d set out to find all those weeks ago. I walked across the tarmac, which felt soft underfoot as though it were melting in the heat. My bag was delivered to the baggage reclaim area and I followed the exit signs through the small but modern air-conditioned airport and out onto the road, where the heat engulfed me once more. For the first time since I arrived in Australia, I didn’t know what to do. Previously, I’d been surrounded by other backpackers, and at every bus station there’d been rows of transport to take us to the various hostels. Here, people walked to their cars in the small car park and I was left alone. I knew there was at least one hostel in the town but I cursed myself for not calling ahead. They would probably have collected me from the airport. I’d got so used to everything just falling into place that it hadn’t even occurred to me. After a few minutes, I ventured back into the airport and took a seat on a bench. It was quiet and cool in the airport. The hum of a water filter in a fish tank caught my attention, and I spent ten minutes watching the large fish swim hypnotically around.

  Rummaging in my backpack, my hand finally landed on Mum’s old photo album, and I flicked through the familiar photos. It felt like looking at a film set that was somewhere just on the other side of those doors. I was so close to the action. Mum had been here, twenty-two years before, and she’d carried the memories with her like secret treasures. This place had such an impact on her life – not just because it was the place where I was conceived. There was more to it than that, I was sure. What was it about this place that made her whisper about it on her deathbed? I needed to find out.

  The girl at the cafe was the only person I could find when I looked around. I asked her if she knew how I could find a taxi into town, and she cheerfully told me she’d give me a ride when she finished in half an hour. She sold me a Bundaberg Ginger Beer and I returned to my spot near the fish tank to wait for her.

  “There are usually more backpackers around,” she said as I stepped into her car. She was called Michelle and was cheerful and chatty. “Most come in on the morning flight though. Or drive into town. Usually on the way to Darwin or Broome, but some stick around for the fruit-picking.”

  I nodded along as she pulled out of the car park and onto the wide, deserted road. It felt so strange to finally be here, and I tried to concentrate on Michelle’s constant chatter as we drove, vaguely answering her questions about where I’d been and how long I intended to stay in Kununurra – and in Australia. All I wanted to do was stare out of the window and take it all in.

  “That’s Lake Kununurra,” she told me, pointing as we reached the edge of the town. She beeped the car horn and waved madly when she saw a friend in a passing car, then we drove through quiet rows of wooden houses before coming to the heart of the little town. Michelle pointed out the shops, the pub, a public swimming pool, the post office, the petrol station. She pointed down the road and told me proudly of the town’s hotel; apparently she worked at the bar there sometimes.

  “And here’s the Kununurra Croc. Kai owns it – he’s a good ’un. If he’s full there’s another backpackers’ across town. The Croc’s the best though.”

  “Thanks for the lift,” I called as I got out of the car.

  “I’ll probably see you around. I’m usually in the pub on Friday nights.”

  “I’ll look out for you,” I said before she pulled away, leaving me outside the Kununurra Croc Backpacker Resort. The sign looked new, and from the outside the place looked modern and even a bit fancy. I hoped it was within my price range. Walking through the lush green gardens, I saw a pool with a bar beside it. Next to the bar was a covered area providing shade for a barbecue and a few rows of long trestle tables with matching wooden benches. I dropped my backpack in the shade, unable to carry it any longer. The heat was draining my energy at an alarming rate. A couple of people were in the pool and a few more sat at the bar.

  “Checking in?” the guy behind the bar called over to me.

  I nodded and he moved towards me, plucking my backpack off the ground as he introduced himself as Kai and motioned for me to follow him. “It’s really nice here,” I said, following him past the pool area to the long two-storey buildin
g beyond it.

  “Thanks!” he said, looking pleased with himself. “Once upon a time it was a complete dump. I’ve done a lot of work on the place over the years.” He dropped my bag and opened a door on the ground floor. I followed him into the small office and accepted gratefully when he offered me a bottle of water.

  “What sort of room are you after?” he asked. “Dorm or private?” He gestured to the wall behind him where a price list hung. I was happy to find that the rates were pretty standard. I’d definitely paid more at places which weren’t as nice. Hopefully the rooms were as pleasant as the rest of the place.

  “Four-person female dorm, please.”

  “Good choice,” he said, tapping on the computer. He handed me a form which I filled in with my details.

  “I’m not sure how long I’ll stay,” I told him when I came to that part of the form. “Probably just a few days.”

  “That’s okay. Leave me your passport as a deposit and pay when you leave.”

  When I handed the form back, my eyes scanned the room. I was drawn to a corkboard full of photos. My breath caught in my throat and I moved closer, unable to believe my eyes. Mum was grinning at me from one of the photographs. She was sitting at a wooden table with Joe Sullivan laughing beside her.

  “It’s hard to believe it’s the same place, isn’t it?”

  “What?” I said, snapping out of my trance. My eyes had filled with tears and I kept them fixed on the wall.

  Kai tapped the photograph. “This was taken out there. The table is even the same.”

  “Really? This is here?”

  “I told you it was a dump. I had the tables and benches restored. They’ll last forever, those beauties!”

  “When was the photo taken?” I asked, finally looking up at him.

  “When I first arrived. Back when I was young and crazy! This guy, Joe, ended up being my best mate. He and his wife, Cassie, own the camping shop across the road. Lovely couple.”