Always With You

by Hannah Ellis

  “I can’t believe I lost it,” I said quietly when I walked into Kai’s office to find him peering under the desk.

  “Well, there’s no sign of it in here . . .”

  I parked myself in front of the photo of Mum and couldn’t stop the tears falling down my face. I reached a hand to the photo as I sobbed.

  “Hey,” Kai said soothingly. “It’s not the end of the world. It’ll probably still turn up.”

  “That’s my mum,” I spluttered through my tears.

  “What?” He looked confused, and my body heaved with sobs.

  “She gave me the necklace.” His hand on my arm led me to a chair, and I sank down into it, sniffing loudly as I tried to catch my breath.

  “You’re Evelyn’s kid?” he asked.

  When I nodded, his eyes grew wider. He moved to pass me a box of tissues from his desk.

  “You remember her name?” I asked, once I’d composed myself slightly.

  “Of course.”

  “It was so long ago – I didn’t know if I’d find anyone who’d remember her.”

  “Some people leave an impression,” he said wistfully. “Evelyn was the first friend I made here. She stayed in the room next to me. I can’t believe you’re her kid. Jeez, I must be really old!”

  I managed a smile and took a deep breath, embarrassed by my outburst. “She loved this place,” I said, unsettled by the sudden silence. “She wanted me to come and explore it.”

  He paused, looking at me intensely. I knew what he wanted to ask. He opened and closed his mouth before he finally spoke. “She couldn’t come?” His eyes searched mine for answers.

  I shook my head sadly. “Cancer,” I said. “A year ago.”

  He looked genuinely upset and somehow it made me feel better. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” he whispered, giving my hand a squeeze. “Evelyn was a good ’un.” He paused as he moved away from me and lingered by the photo on the wall. “You’ve probably heard all about me,” he said finally, a silly grin on his face.

  “She didn’t tell me much. But I’ve seen photos of you,” I added, feeling bad for him.

  He flashed me a sorrowful smile. “I suppose she told you all about Joe?”

  Unsure how to answer, I stared at Kai for a moment, trying desperately to read him. Does he know that Joe’s my dad?

  “She wanted me to find him,” I said.

  “That’s no surprise. They were thick as thieves. Like two pieces of a puzzle. He was a mess when she took off. I thought he’d never get over it.” He moved towards the door and I followed, hoping he wasn’t about to clam up on me. “He got over her eventually. He finally met Cassie and things fell into place for him.” I returned to my place at the bar and waited while Kai served more drinks. “You got brothers and sisters?” he asked.

  An image of the girls in the shop popped into my head. Ruby and Skye: my little half-sisters. I chewed on my lip and shook my head.

  “Funny,” he said. “I always thought Evelyn would have a whole bunch of kids.”

  “It was just me and Mum,” I said.

  “Dad not on the scene?” he asked.

  I stared at him. “No.”

  Not yet.

  Chapter 37

  EVELYN – January 1995

  The drive home went too fast and we were back in familiar territory before I knew it. Joe glanced at me and I smiled back at him.

  “Let’s make one last stop,” he said, pulling off the main road. The sun was just setting and the light was fading when I followed Joe out of the ute.

  “Where are you taking me now?” I asked when he led me away from the road and into the shadow of the rock formations ahead.

  “You’ve been here all this time and you’ve never been to Kelly’s Knob?” He tutted his disapproval and strode ahead. It had been suggested a few times at the end of a night’s drinking that we head up to Kelly’s Knob. It was a lookout point over the town, and somehow I’d never actually made it out here.

  “Wait,” I called, hurrying to catch him. “I can hardly see where I’m going.” The path curved around and ascended steeply.

  “There’s a rail here,” he told me as we reached steps. I gripped it tightly and when Joe reached his hand back to me, I took that too. I was out of breath when we finally reached the top.

  “It’s incredible,” I said, looking out over Kununurra. A final strip of sunlight glowed along the horizon and lights flickered on across the town. Joe settled himself on a bench nearby, and I looked at him seriously. “This is my favourite place,” I told him.

  Darkness was spreading around us, and I could only just make out the smile that crept across his face. It was true though. At that moment in time, it was my favourite place in the whole world, and there was nowhere I’d rather have been.

  “How are we gonna get down from here in the dark?” I asked. “It was hard enough coming up, and at least there was a bit of light then.”

  “I’ll help you,” he said, reaching his arm along the back of the bench, which I took as an invitation to sit with him. I leaned my head on his shoulder and he pulled his arm tighter around me. I wanted to commit every detail of the moment to memory to keep with me forever: the way our legs touched and the feel of his chest against me; the weight of his arm and the scent of him which filled my nostrils. A hint of stubble grazed my forehead when he moved.

  “I wanted to ask you something,” he said quietly. “I’ve been trying to find the right moment but I’m scared of the answer . . .”

  “What?” I said, sitting up straighter.

  He turned towards me. “What’s your plan?”

  My mind couldn’t quite process the question. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean are you going to go back home in a couple of months and leave me with a broken heart?”

  The fact I could affect his heart so much that I’d be able to break it gave me butterflies. “I don’t have a plan,” I said slowly. “This place feels like home. I hate the thought of leaving.”

  He reached for my hand and pulled me towards him. “I don’t want you to leave.”

  “I’ve been avoiding thinking about it,” I said. “But you’re right, I need to make a plan.” He was so close I could feel his breath on my cheek. “I hate the thought of leaving you,” I whispered.

  His hand rested on my hip when he kissed me, slowly at first and then with an urgency that I returned as I moved my arms around his neck and pushed my fingers into his hair. I was breathless when he finally pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He gave me another quick peck before pulling me to my feet. “Let’s go and get a drink.”

  It was almost impossible to see the path, but Joe guided me expertly as though he’d done it a thousand times. I wondered briefly if he came here with Beth and then quickly pushed the thought from my mind. The fact that he still spoke to her often had thrown me, and I was trying desperately not to make too much of it. I really needed to stop thinking about her.

  Back at the road there was a faint glow from nearby streetlights. Joe unhooked the tailgate and we climbed into the back of the ute. “I’m glad the others couldn’t make it today,” I said as Joe passed me a beer.

  He sat beside me and slipped his hand into mine. “Me too. We never seem to get rid of them.”

  “I thought you were avoiding being alone with me . . .”

  “Maybe I was,” he said with a small smile. “I don’t know. I was worried that you were going to leave soon, and I didn’t want us to start something and then you leave.”

  Panic hit me in the chest with full force. “So if I’d have said I was leaving in a couple of months, you wouldn’t want anything to do with me?”

  “It’s not like that,” he said quickly. “I just wondered if it would be better if we stayed friends. Instead of complicating things.”

  I pulled my hand from his as the future of our relationship became very clear to me. Or lack of a future. “Joe,” I said, breathlessly. “I want to stay. But that doesn’t mean th
at I will stay. It’s not that simple.”

  “Why isn’t it? You can extend your visa for another year and after that we figure something else out.”

  “I can’t extend my visa.” This is why I hadn’t made a plan; why I’d avoided thinking about what I would do when my year came to an end. Because I knew all along: I had no choice but to leave. “There’s no way for me to stay here, legally.”

  “But you just said you wanted to make a plan and stay here. This is your home.”

  “It’s not though. Not really. I won’t have any choice but to leave the country.”

  His head landed against the back of the ute with a thud. “There must be some way,” he said angrily.

  I buried my head in my hands. “I don’t know if there is.”

  He swore mildly and swigged at his beer.

  “So we’re back to being just friends then, are we?” I snapped.

  “No,” he said, firmly. “We need to figure out how you can stay.”

  “But what if I can’t stay?”

  “I don’t know! I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  I jumped down from the back of the ute. “Just take me home.”

  “Shouldn’t we talk about this?”

  “There’s nothing to talk about!” Every ounce of rational thinking left my body, and my brain went to mush. I knew that whatever I said would be irrational ramblings. Because I would have to leave. Joe was right; there was no point in us being in a relationship when I was going to leave.

  “Evelyn!” he called, following me.

  “There’s nothing to say,” I told him again. “I’m going to have to leave the country, and you don’t want to be in a relationship that has an expiry date. So let’s just not see each other at all.”

  “Now you’re being crazy,” he said.

  He was right, of course – I was being crazy; there was no denying it. I felt crazy. “I don’t want to just be friends,” I said, suddenly tearful. “I can’t do this. It would be better, wouldn’t it? If we just stayed out of each other’s way.” I could leave sooner than planned – that would make things easier. Dragging things out will be far too painful.

  He pushed his head back into the driver’s seat, and when he didn’t say anything it angered me even more. “I don’t know what to do,” he said finally. The engine roared to life and he manoeuvred the ute back onto the road and headed for town.

  Five minutes later, he pulled up outside the Croc. I was seething with anger and jumped out of the ute before Joe could get a word in.

  “Whoa! What’s the rush?” Kai asked when I bumped into him in my haste to get to my room, where I could have a breakdown in private. “You coming to the Tav? I’m heading over to meet Leslie and Cam.”

  “Not tonight,” I said frostily.

  “You got something better to do?”

  I laughed, taking myself by surprise. Kai gave me a strange look. “You okay?”

  “Absolutely fine!” I said with an undercurrent of sarcasm. “I’ll get changed and see you over there.” Kai had a point; I had nothing better to do, and crying on my own all evening wasn’t going to do me any good.

  At the Tav, I found Leslie sandwiched between Cam and Kai in the quietest corner of the room. “You’re a sorry sight,” I said, looking sternly at Leslie. “Let’s go and dance.”

  “It’s way too hot out there,” Cam grumbled.

  “It’s way too boring in here,” I argued.

  Kai shook his head and moved over to make space for me. “Get a beer and sit down, will ya?”

  “I’ve had enough beer for one day,” I told him. “And I really want to dance! Come on. You have to dance with me.” I knew Leslie wouldn’t take much persuading, and the boys would follow her anywhere.

  The courtyard was hot and humid, the heat hanging like a cloud around the sweaty bodies.

  “What’s going on?” Leslie shouted over the din of live music when I pulled her onto the small dance floor. “Were you out with Joe all day?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “I don’t want to talk about him though. I just want to dance.”

  “Did you have an argument?” she asked, persistent as ever.

  “I told him I don’t want to see him again.”

  She laughed. “You’d better close your eyes then.”

  I glanced round and caught sight of Joe making his way in our direction.

  “I’m going to get another drink,” Leslie said.

  “Don’t leave me,” I protested, but she was already walking away. I turned from Joe and danced alone, smiling at the familiar faces on the dance floor.

  “Hey!” Joe shouted at me.

  “What?”

  “Talk to me.”

  “I thought we were going to avoid each other,” I shouted.

  “I never agreed to that,” he replied. “Let’s go somewhere and talk!”

  When I ignored him, he pulled me close to him and swayed to the music.

  His body against mine made me want to sob at the injustice of it all. Why do I have to leave?

  “I’m going to have to leave in two months,” I told him sadly.

  “Then we better make the most of those two months, hadn’t we?”

  My heart raced and I leaned closer, hugging him to me.

  “You do want to be with me, don’t you?” he asked, looking confused.

  “Yes,” I said slowly.

  “You don’t look happy.”

  I took a step back and looked into his big blue eyes. “It’s just that until today, I’ve managed not to think too much about leaving.”

  His face fell serious. “Don’t worry about it yet. Maybe there’s another way for you to get a visa. Or I could move to England!”

  He wrapped his arms tighter around me and I laughed. “You’d freeze!”

  Chapter 38

  LIBBY – August 2017

  Sleep didn’t come easily. I tossed and turned as my mind whirled like a cyclone, picking up thoughts and whizzing them around before discarding them and moving on to something else. Grieving was supposed to get easier with time, but suddenly I missed my mum so fiercely that I struggled to breathe. Part of me wanted to gather every tiny detail of her life, and part of me wanted to leave it all and get on with my own life. Mostly, I wanted to find out this story from her. I should have asked her years ago, when I had the chance. It never occurred to me that time would run out for us.

  When I finally dragged myself from my bed and ventured out of my room, I saw the door to the office open. A selection of postcards were displayed on a stand outside, and I picked out a few to send home. I’d probably get back before they arrived but it was nice to send proper mail for a change from all the messages and emails.

  “Morning!” I said to Kai, who had his feet up on the desk and a cup of coffee in his hand.

  “G’day!” he said cheerfully.

  My eyes automatically moved to the photo on the wall.

  “You can have it, if you want,” Kai said, swinging his feet down and sitting up in the chair.

  “Thanks. I think I’ll leave it where it is though.” I held out the postcards and pulled a crumpled note from my pocket but Kai waved it away.

  “I was thinking,” he said. “I should show you around. Show you where your mum used to hang out. I was trying to think of which springs we used to go to. Definitely Middle Springs and maybe Blackrock. We used to take a boat out on Lake Kununurra. I can definitely organise a few trips.”

  I nodded from the chair opposite. A tour guide would be welcome.

  “We didn’t have a pool here back then so she used to swim in the public pool a lot. Evelyn helped me do this place up when I first arrived. She was close to the owner, Stan – he was a character too. He sold the place to me for next to nothing when he retired. Not that he ever really retired. He was always around here, grumbling about something or other. He passed away a few years back,” he told me sadly, pausing before he went on.

  “What else can I tell you . . . she worked in
the hotel, you should check that out. There are old photos up over there too.”

  “She worked in a hotel?” I asked, my mouth twitching into a smile. My mind raced to the day I told Mum I’d got a summer job in a hotel and how much she’d laughed. At the time I’d been affronted, sure she was making fun of my choices. She’d sworn she wasn’t, eventually keeping a straight face and telling me she was glad I’d found a job. Her smirk had lingered though, and it had angered me. Maybe the smirk wasn’t to do with me after all. Perhaps she’d just been remembering?

  “Joe can fill you in more than I can,” Kai said.

  “I guess I should meet him . . .”

  “Oh, you’ve got to meet Joe. I can’t wait to tell him Evelyn’s kid’s in town. He won’t believe it!” He looked thoughtful. “I’m all tied up today so I won’t be much of a chaperone, I’m afraid.”

  “It’s fine,” I said quickly. “You don’t need to go out of your way. I only wanted to have a look at the town – see it for myself after Mum’d talked about it. I think I’ll just have a stroll around today, maybe take a look at the hotel.”

  “Take your togs, there’s a nice pool by the bar. That’s where the old photos are. Definitely check it out. And ask for Todd – he’s the owner since his dad died. He knew Evelyn. He might have some stories for you.”

  “Todd? Okay, I will. Thanks.”

  Laughter-lines appeared when Kai smiled, and his eyes twinkled. I was self-conscious as I got up to leave. “Sorry,” he said. “You just look like her. You’ve brought about a million memories to the surface. The good old days!”

  ***

  The unimaginatively named Kununurra Hotel was only a ten-minute walk, but I was drenched in sweat and panting like a dog when I got there.

  “Hey!” A familiar face greeted me when I walked into the fancy bar area. It was Michelle, the girl who’d driven me from the airport.

  “Hi!” I said. “Thanks again for the lift yesterday.”