Always With You

by Hannah Ellis

  We were both puffing by the time we reached the top. Sunlight rose on the horizon and the town looked wholly different from that vantage point. Everything glowed in red and gold. It was stunning.

  “I forgot what a workout it is,” Joe said, sinking onto a wooden bench.

  “It’s beautiful up here.”

  “Your mum liked it.”

  “I don’t understand why she told me to come here,” I said, sitting beside him and staring out to the emerging sun. “I’m so confused and I feel like I’m never going to get any answers.”

  “I wish I could help.”

  “What happened with you and her?”

  He shrugged. “For most of the time that Evelyn lived here, I was seeing someone else. We only just got together and then she left.” He paused. “She didn’t tell anyone she was leaving. She was just gone one morning.”

  “There must have been a reason?”

  “We were at a friend’s place, drinking, chatting, the usual. At the end of the evening my ex turned up wanting to talk to me. Evelyn said she’d talk to me the next day. She wasn’t happy, obviously, but the next morning she’d left.”

  “And you didn’t see her again? Didn’t you try and find her?”

  “Technology wasn’t such a big thing back then,” he said, smiling. “There weren’t twenty ways to get in touch with people. I only had an email address for her and she didn’t reply . . .” His voice trailed off and I thought that was all he was going to be able to tell me. While his mind raced back twenty years, I wished he could project his memories so I could see what she was like back then. It would be even better if I could jump in there and ask her what on earth had happened.

  “I saw her one more time,” he said softly. “I flew to Sydney and waited at the airport the day she was due to fly home. I didn’t even know if I’d find her.”

  “What happened?”

  “She was like a different person. She practically laughed at me – said it was just a holiday fling and we both knew that. Everything was weird. She was cold and distant. She said there was no point in keeping in touch. That we both had lives to get on with and it’d been fun while it lasted.”

  The hurt was still there in Joe’s eyes more than twenty years later. Why had she done that to him? “It doesn’t sound like her.”

  “It wasn’t like her,” he said. “She was mean. I’d never seen her like that before.”

  “Something must have happened to make her leave so suddenly. She had this old photo album full of pictures of you and her.”

  “You must have talked to her about your father before? You must have asked when you were younger?”

  “She told me she had a fling. That it was just the two of us and that was all we needed. I was okay with that. I don’t know why I wasn’t curious, but I just didn’t care. We were fine, just the two of us.”

  “So why did she suddenly start talking at the end? And why didn’t she get in touch with me then?”

  “She wasn’t always herself,” I said. “She was on strong medication. Sometimes she didn’t make sense.”

  “Maybe that explains it then. Maybe sh—”

  “No,” I said, cutting him off. “My Uncle Rob said that too – he didn’t want me to come here. He said she didn’t know what she was saying. She was clear though. She wanted me to know the truth. She said . . .”

  I trailed off as my mind took me back there. Mum was having a good day. She told me she needed to explain something. She’d been tearful and apologetic. “I lied to you,” she said, looking me right in the eye. “About your father. I’m so sorry. I should have told you the truth. Joe deserved the truth too. But I thought he’d be better not knowing. I wish I could see him again. I should’ve gone back to Kununurra while I had the chance. You’d love it there.”

  “Who’s Joe?” I’d asked, panicking that she’d lose her train of thought or need to rest. I needed to hear everything she had to say.

  “My Joe!” she said with a smile. “Joe Sullivan. There are photos in my wardrobe. I wish I could tell him I’m sorry.”

  “Oh, God!” I said, looking up at Joe as everything became clear. “It was two different conversations. Uncle Rob was right. She told me she’d lied about my dad and then she spoke about you. I thought she meant . . .” Tears fell down my face and I dropped my head into my hands. Joe’s hand landed heavy and reassuring on my shoulder. “She didn’t ask me to come here. She said she wished she’d come back. She didn’t ask me to come at all. She didn’t want me to find my father. She just said she was sorry that she’d lied.”

  As one piece of the puzzle became clear, more questions arose. What had she lied about? She knew who my dad was? It wasn’t just a fling? Why didn’t she want me to know him? I was back to square one. I’d never know.

  “I think it’s good you came,” Joe said. “Maybe you just needed something to focus on.”

  “I think I wanted you to be my father. I never cared before because I had my mum. Then she died and I had no one. I just wanted to have some family, somewhere.”

  He smiled sympathetically. “Stay in town for a while. We’ll show you around. There’s still a lot to see.”

  I frowned. “You don’t have to feel obliged to look after me.”

  “I am obliged though. Evelyn was my friend. She’d want me to look out for you.”

  “What did she want to say sorry for?”

  “For leaving and breaking my heart,” he said with a sad smile.

  I thought of the photo album full of memories and of the look in Mum’s eyes when she spoke about Joe.

  “I think maybe it broke her heart too.”

  Chapter 46

  EVELYN – March 1995

  It was three weeks after I left Kununurra that I got a taxi to Sydney airport bound for a flight which would take me to London. In those three weeks, I’d roamed the streets of Sydney, losing weight by the day and doubting my decision to leave without saying goodbye. Joe sent me emails which I read and reread in various internet cafes, torturing myself. His words alternated between worry, anger and sadness. It was such an effort not to reply. I yearned to tell him how much I loved him and that I needed him so badly I was in physical pain. Then I would think of that night before I left and knew things were broken beyond repair. If I spoke to Joe, I would have to tell him everything, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Guilt and shame followed me everywhere. The best thing was to go home, live my life and never look back.

  I hadn’t for a moment considered he might come and find me. He knew the date I was due to fly out. It never occurred to me that he might turn up at the airport, but there he was. Just as I was approaching security, he called my name. A cold shiver ran through me at the sound of his voice. I almost couldn’t bring myself to look at him, and it crossed my mind to ignore him and hurry on through the security gate. He was owed an explanation and in a split second I decided to give him one – even if it wasn’t the truth. At least that way he’d have some closure and move on with his life. I’d fade to a distant memory and he’d go on being the happy, carefree guy he was supposed to be.

  When I turned to face him, I buried my emotions and set my features to cold and unfeeling. It was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. As soon as I saw him, I just wanted to run to him and tell him everything and hold him while I cried.

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, making sure the only emotion I displayed was puzzled. Ignore the fact he’s turned up at the airport. Don’t think about how romantic that is or how much he must love you. Don’t pay any attention to how amazing he is or think about what you’re about to do. Just do it, quick, and move on. He deserves so much better than you. Let him go.

  “Looking for you, of course,” he said, his own features perplexed, searching mine for some clue as to what had happened. “You just left . . . What’s going on?”

  “I’m not great at goodbyes,” I said, aloof, cold, awful. “And I wanted to see a few more places before I flew out so I thought I�
�d make the most of my last few weeks.”

  He stared at me, looking for the Evelyn who he’d been friends with for all those months. He wouldn’t find her though; she was hidden, pushed down into this empty shell of a person who was desperately trying to appear as hard as nails.

  “What about us?” he asked, his brow furrowed and his eyes full of hurt and confusion. “I thought you wanted to stay?”

  “Oh come on, Joe!” I said, my voice sounding like it belonged to someone else. “We both knew that was never going to work out. It’s been fun, but let’s be serious, I was never really going to relocate my life to a hot-as-hell, dusty outback town in the middle of nowhere.”

  “Evelyn,” he whispered desperately. “I don’t understand. What happened? Is this about Beth? Becau—”

  “No,” I said, sharply. I was suddenly so clear. I couldn’t leave him with any hope, and I also couldn’t leave him thinking this was anyone else’s fault but mine. It would be easier if he hated me; he’d be able to move on and live his life without thinking of me. I’d never get through this if I imagined he was out there somewhere thinking of me.

  “It’s nothing to do with Beth. It’s just time for me to go home.” I tilted my head to one side, forced an arrogant tone into my voice. “This was a nice holiday romance but it’s time to move on.” I shrugged and then made the mistake of taking his hand. It sent shockwaves through my body. There was still time to tell him the truth. Everything could be okay. We could still be together.

  “Don’t leave like this,” he said, pulling me gently to him.

  If he put his arms around me, I’d dissolve into a blubbering mess and he’d demand the truth. I took a step back. The hurt in his eyes was torture. “I got you something,” he said, pulling a small velvet bag from his pocket. “I got it ages ago, I just didn’t find the right time to give it to you.”

  “I don’t want it,” I said coolly.

  “It’s so you won’t forget me, even when we’re apart.”

  “I have to go,” I said, but he pushed the plush drawstring bag into my hand and I gave in and took it. I slapped on a smile before I turned. “Say goodbye to everyone for me.”

  “Evelyn . . .” It was the last time I heard him speak my name and it echoed around my head as I walked away. I didn’t turn back. He didn’t need to see the tears which poured down my cheeks.

  I managed to make it around the corner before I slumped against the wall and sobbed, my chest heaving as I gasped for air to fill my lungs.

  “Are you okay?” an older woman asked, her concerned husband by her side.

  Swallowing hard, I forced a smile onto my lips and stood straighter. “I’m fine,” I said, pushing my hair off my face with trembling hands. “I’m fine.”

  Chapter 47

  LIBBY – August 2017

  “Can you stay and play with me?” Ruby asked on Monday afternoon, her eyes wide and difficult to resist.

  “She’s just been swimming with you,” Cassie said. “Give her a break.”

  I’d been concerned that Cassie would be angry after she found out why I’d really come to Kununurra. I’d spent a whole day with them, thinking they were my family, without saying anything. I felt as though I’d deceived them, but Cassie had come to see me at the Croc. She was warm and sympathetic about the situation and we’d had a good chat. When I’d offered to take Ruby swimming one afternoon, both Cassie and Ruby had jumped at the suggestion.

  “It’s okay,” I said, looking at Ruby. “I can play for a little while.”

  She took my hand and pulled me to the back of the shop and into a tent. We’d been pretending to be camping for about ten minutes when the bell tinkled over the shop door.

  Cassie’s voice drifted through the shop, chatty and friendly. When I heard my name, I stood, looking down through the assorted items, a strange feeling rushing through me. I couldn’t see who Cassie was talking to but when I heard his voice, chills ran down my spine. It couldn’t be. My feet moved quickly to the rhythm of my quickening heart. He stopped mid-sentence as our eyes met.

  Had he always been that gorgeous? “Andrew!” I blurted out, moving towards him. “What are you doing here?”

  His eyes lingered on me and the momentary pause seemed to stretch out forever.

  “I was in the area,” he said, his smile making my stomach lurch. “I thought I’d look you up.”

  “It’s nice to see you,” I muttered.

  He reached into his pocket. “I wanted to bring you this too.”

  My heart was in my throat as I reached for my necklace. “Oh my God!”

  “It was caught up in my hoodie.”

  My hand brushed his as I took it. Words failed me.

  “Is that the one you were looking for?” Cassie asked.

  “Yes,” I whispered, overcome with emotion. I didn’t think I’d ever see it again. “Thank you,” I said, finally managing to look up.

  “You’re welcome.”

  A little hand slipped into mine and I looked down. “Are you coming to play?” Ruby asked.

  “You can come and help me now, Ruby,” Cassie said. “I’ve got some jobs for you.”

  Ruby looked up at Andrew. “Who are you?”

  “I’m Andrew,” he told her.

  “How do you know my Libby?” she asked, making us all smile.

  “We met a couple of weeks ago,” he explained.

  “We’re playing camping,” Ruby told him.

  “That sounds like fun,” he said before shifting his gaze to me. “I’m staying at the backpacker place across the road. Maybe I’ll see you later?”

  Cassie took Ruby by the hand. “Libby’s got to go now,” she told her gently.

  My brain wasn’t functioning and when Cassie’s eyes bored into mine, I looked blankly back at her. “Jeez!” she said. “He brought your necklace back. Buy the poor fella a drink!”

  “Oh!” I looked up at Andrew. A smile played on his lips and there was amusement in his eyes. “Yes! I should buy you a drink.” I glanced from Cassie to Ruby. “We can play again another day,” I promised.

  “Go!” Cassie said. “Have fun.” I was just walking out the door when I heard Cassie mutter, “And I think a drink is the least you owe him!”

  The blush hit my cheeks as I stepped outside.

  “She seems like a character,” Andrew remarked.

  “She is!”

  “She’s probably right though,” he said as we ambled in the direction of the Tav. “You owe me more than a drink . . .”

  I smiled up at him. I couldn’t believe he’d turned up in Kununurra. “I might stretch to lunch too.”

  “That would be a good start.”

  There were a few people in the Tav but no one I recognised. I’d half expected to find Jakob and Sylvie propping up the bar. We ordered beers and found a table.

  I reached for the silver feather pendant and enjoyed the feel of it, back where it belonged. “I thought I’d lost it for good,” I said. My joy at being reunited with it was tinged by a slight annoyance. “I’m sure you could’ve got in touch and let me know you had it.”

  “Some thanks I get for bringing it all this way!”

  “Sorry. I appreciate it. It’s sentimental – I was upset about losing it.”

  His face creased into a frown. “You’re right, I should have got in touch when I found it.” He paused, looking bashful. “But I thought you might just tell me to post it. I wanted to see you again.”

  There was only a brief moment before my mouth twitched involuntarily into a smile. I couldn’t stay annoyed with him. “In that case, I suppose you’re forgiven.”

  He grinned back at me. “It was a nice excuse to travel a bit more too. I was jealous of you exploring the outback. Plus, I kept wondering how things turned out for you. I felt like I’d pushed you to come out here and started to feel responsible. Did you find him?”

  I took a sip of beer and suppressed a sudden bout of giggles. “I found the guy I was looking for but it turns out h
e’s not my father!” I started laughing then. It was so absurd.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “It’s just so embarrassing. It’s one of those laugh or cry situations, and I’ve had enough of crying.”

  “So what happened?”

  “It’s a long story. He’s lovely, just not my dad. Cassie, in the shop, is his wife. They’ve been very understanding about it. But it was just a big mix-up.”

  “So who is your father?”

  “No bloody clue!” I said. Laughter hit me again.

  “Sorry.”

  I dabbed at my eyes. “It’s fine. So I guess you expect me to show you around Kununurra now?”

  “How much is there to see?”

  “More than you’d think.”

  “It seems pretty quiet.”

  “You’d be amazed at how much fun this place is. It’s surprisingly lively at times. You won’t believe how busy this place gets on a Friday night. And the bar at the hostel is lively every night.”

  “I’m not sure I believe you.”

  “We can check it out tonight . . .”

  “It’s a date.”

  I met his gaze and raised my eyebrows. “How long are you expecting to get free drinks out of me?”

  “My treat tonight,” he said, his eyes sparkling in amusement.

  I nodded and ignored the fluttering in my stomach.

  Chapter 48

  LIBBY – August 2017

  We found Sylvie and Jakob at the Croc and sat to have a drink with them. A young guy was working behind the bar and I kept catching sight of Kai, coming and going in the office and doing odd jobs. I was laughing loudly at Andrew – who’d been scared by a passing lizard – when Kai appeared and placed a pint of water in front of me without a word. He winked at me and walked away again.

  “What’s his deal?” Sylvie asked. “He’s always watching you. I think it’s creepy.”

  “Kai is a nice guy,” Jakob said again.

  “He knew my mum when they were young,” I explained. “He’s just a bit protective, that’s all.”

  “He could have brought me water too,” Sylvie said, heading for the bar.