Knee Deep

by Jolene Perry

  “We can talk,” I whispered back.

  He took my hand and led me to the pool.

  “I’m not dating anyone or anything. I want you to know that. And when I talk to you, or see you, I don’t know why I ever even looked at anyone else.” His dark eyes held so much love it filled my chest to bursting.

  “You were right. We never talked about it.” And so it wasn’t even like I needed to forgive him. There was really nothing to forgive.

  “But you haven’t. Seen anybody?” His body moved closer, hoping for an answer.

  “Just for dances and group stuff.” I move my legs making swirls on the surface of the water.

  “Have you kissed anyone else?”

  “Spin the bottle at some party. That’s it.” I shrugged. Just my friend Luke. But I didn’t say that. Luke was Shawn’s friend, too.

  “I never want to feel another girl’s lips as long as I live.”

  WOW. I leaned in toward him, hoping for a kiss.

  He didn’t disappoint.

  ***

  Shawn’s been drinking. The smell of beer hits me the second I step into his room Sunday evening. I haven’t seen him since Thanksgiving night and the party at the beach. We haven’t even talked, just texted because he’s been at work.

  Some people are all happy and giddy when they’re drunk, and some are like Shawn. His dark mood fills the room, making me heavy. Three days of doing everything in my power to relax and push off this weight, and just two steps from the hallway to his room, it’s all back…and then some.

  I smile big—maybe I can push this away. Help him somehow. Was he like this all weekend? Drinking? “Hey, there.” How bad are things at his house? That has to be what’s going on. This tense, dark person isn’t Shawn.

  “Yeah.” He pulls his can of beer to his lips and drinks a few long swallows.

  “Your parents gone?” I ask.

  His eyes finally focus on me. “Uh…yeah.” He holds up his beer can, eyes wide. I hate this expression—the one that makes me feel stupid.

  “Right.” There’s no good place for my hands, or my body, and I’ve never felt so awkward in his room—like I don’t know where to be, where to sit, what to do. Some guy movie rattles in the background.

  “Want one?”

  “Maybe one.” I shrug. The chances of us having a nice hangout night are slim.

  He reaches over the side of his bed and opens a can for me.

  “Thanks.” I take a small swallow and set it on his side table.

  “Come sit.” He pats the bed. His eyes are having a hard time focusing. “You shouldn’t just stand way up there.”

  I sit, but I’m not sure how close I should be, or where I should be, and why did he have to be drinking tonight when we haven’t really seen each other?

  “How’s the play going? With your other little boyfriend?” Even the edges of his speech are slurred. My stomach sinks. Other little boyfriend? Where did that come from?

  “You’re it for me, Shawn. I love you.” I lean towards him, putting our faces close and trying to forget what it felt like to be this close to Luke on the floor of our beach house.

  All I smell is beer, and I can’t really feel anything outside of being strung up tight, and attempting my desperate balancing act.

  “Good.” He sets his beer down and kisses me. His mouth is rough and hard against mine. The prickles of his stubble burn my lips, but it doesn’t feel like he’s going to stop anytime soon. Doesn’t he feel that I’m only half here? Or worse, maybe he doesn’t care.

  What will happen if I ask him to slow down?

  My stomach tightens and I’m not sure I want to find out, which sends my body to the edge of something I don’t want to feel. Real fear, the kind that trembles knees and starts panic.

  He pushes us over in his bed so that he’s on top of me. And normally this is okay, this is what we do, but the weight of him feels different. Forceful and sloppy. Scary.

  “Just your panties off. Please?” he whispers.

  My heart races. “You’re drunk, Shawn.” But I barely get out the words as his mouth comes down on mine again and again. I’m sucking in air every time his mouth moves, but the force of Shawn is stealing oxygen from my lungs.

  His hands slide up my legs, under my long dress and tug on the top of my underwear.

  No, no, no. Not like this. “Shawn, I…”

  He sits up and rips them off in one long pull. I’m so thankful for my long dress, keeping me from being even more exposed.

  I sit up, my heart frantic. Is this what date rape is like? Will we just go all the way? Can I stop it? Should I stop it? Do I just get it over with? The thought of going all the way in his dim room with some stupid guy movie playing in the background makes my stomach turn. He’s not at all himself. Neither of us should want it like this, but I’m not sure if I’ll be able to stop him. Do I just push away and run?

  “Don’t worry.” His eyes still can’t stay still long enough to focus on mine. “I’ll be nice.” His fingers slide down my cheek like they always do. My body shakes in response, completely weakened by fear. He moves closer, scooting us together. His hand starts at my calf and begins to travel up the inside of my shaking leg.

  “Please, don’t.” My words shake, my lips tremble, but I can’t make my arms push him away. “Not tonight.” I’m blinking back tears. What is this?

  “Then what fucking night Ronnie! Huh?” He raises off me to slam his fist against the wall above my head.

  “Whoa…” Luke steps in.

  Shawn leans back and freezes. His jaw set.

  “You invited me over for a beer?” Luke chuckles, doing an amazing job of diffusing. His eyes dart quickly between me—probably visibly shaking—and Shawn, wavering with drunkenness above me. I’m too relieved to be as humiliated as I’m sure to be tomorrow.

  All I want is home. I gasp in air when my body realizes I forgot to breathe. My legs shake. My hands shake. My insides shake. My eyes aren’t working right either from disbelief, fear, or both.

  “Ronnie looks beat. Why don’t we hang and play Xbox for a bit?” Luke leans down and gets a beer, but I’m sure he knows exactly what’s going on. He stands, rests his weight on one leg and takes a long swallow.

  I run my hands down my dress to make sure it covers me, it does. I just want out. To be anywhere but here.

  “Fine. Whatever.” Shawn glares at me as he waves his hand between us, like dismissing me from his presence.

  I slowly stand from the bed, amazed my legs allow me to stand. Part of me wants to find my panties, but more of me just wants home.

  “See ya.” I start to the door on trembling legs. But it’s not just my legs that are weak. My world is upside down. Now I get it. This is all too real to be real.

  “Do I get a kiss?” Shawn’s wavering eyes find mine.

  Luke’s hand carefully touches my lower back, out of sight.

  “Let the girl go, she doesn’t want to play Xbox.” Luke laughs.

  I make it to the door in two steps.

  “Call if you need me,” Luke mouths.

  I have no idea what I look like, but I’m sure it’s terrible. The room is blurry, the hallway and dark house fade in and out of focus as I head for the door and finally make it into the cool, night air.

  I’m just waiting to get to my house, then I can crumple; just a couple more driveways and then I have safety.

  I step inside my front door and the first sob hits my body as I suck in another breath, hand over my mouth.

  “Honey?” Mom steps out of the kitchen. Her arms are around me in a minute. “Ronnie, what happened?”

  I shake my head. There’s no talking about it. Not with them. Not right now.

  My legs start to buckle and she grabs my waist, helping me to our living room.

  Dad half catapults his chair at the sight of us. I sit on the end of the couch, pull my legs to my chest and wrap my arms tightly around me. Smaller is better. Smaller is safer.

  “Ro
nnie!” Mom’s voice sounds desperate as she kneels in front of me. “What happened?”

  I shake my head.

  “We need to know.” Mom’s face is close.

  I can’t tell them. How do I start that conversation? It just surprised me. Shawn surprised me. But I wasn’t only surprised, I was scared. Shawn scared me. I choke back a few more sobs. The room refuses to come into focus. There’s one fuzzy blob that’s Mom, and one that’s Dad.

  “Ronnie.” Dad sits close enough that I feel his warmth as he rests a hand on my foot. “You don’t have to talk, but I need to know if anyone’s hurt, okay? Do I need to call the cops or an ambulance or anything?”

  I shake my head. No way.

  “We need to know what happened,” Mom demands. I’m coherent enough to know Mom threw Dad a look as she made that comment.

  My eyes widen as I look at Dad. I can’t tell them. “Let me go to my room.”

  He reaches out and touches my foot. “Ronnie. Please stay here. You don’t have to talk.”

  I nod. And part of me wants to be here in the living room, where it’s open, where I can breathe, and the other part of me wants to hide in the bottom of my closet.

  My eyes close. I just need to learn to keep away from him when he’s been drinking. But I also need to keep away when he’s tense. And…it all seems so hard. But it’s Shawn. He’s everything—the warmth, and the sweetness, and the boy I’ve known since I was a kid. I can’t even think about what I’d do without that. Without him.

  I squeeze my eyes tight in the corner of the couch and wish beyond anything I’ve ever wished for to fall asleep and forget.

  ***

  I wake in the morning, still on the couch, to see a note from Dad on the coffee table.

  If you need to talk, let me know. If you need to talk to someone who isn’t your mom or I, also let me know. No questions, promise.

  Love you,

  Dad

  His few words bring last night crashing down on me, and the weight of the memories settles on my shoulders.

  Who would I talk to? What would I say? Anyone who doesn’t know Shawn would just misunderstand. It’s temporary. He didn’t used to be so intense. He’ll mellow back out.

  I stand in the bathroom, taking off my clothes from yesterday and of course I’m missing my underwear. It’s so weird, that whole thing. So weird. I spend a ridiculous amount of time in a hot shower and find my favorite t-shirt dress to wear to school. Last night is over. I’m okay. Everything’s okay. I need school. I need normal. But the reality of Shawn hurting me, scaring me, hits me again. I can’t even think about what would have happened if Luke hadn’t shown up.

  That thought needs to be shaken off. It’s too big. Too much to think about.

  My sandals squeak on the wood floors of the hallway as I make my way to the kitchen for breakfast. Right now I just hope my parents are gone for the day.

  “I heard what happened at Shawn’s,” Mom says as I step into the kitchen.

  My legs buckle, and I lean against the counter for support as my insides begin to break apart. Luke? It has to be. Shakiness is replaced by anger, he had no right. I’m going to kill him. I shove off the counter, my jaw tight.

  “You could have told us, honey.” She clutching her mug as if it’ll hold her to the table—anchor her somehow.

  I close my eyes, but that doesn’t help me block out the memory. I rub my hand over my face as if the friction or pressure will somehow make me feel normal again—rub away the anger and disbelief.

  “If you need to take a day off of school, I understand.”

  My cheeks redden. “I don’t need a day from school.” And I’m not sure why I’m fighting this.

  “Well, Ronnie. Shawn’s been through a lot.” Mom’s voice is laced with impatience.

  What? Shawn?

  “With Diane kicking out his dad and everything. It’s so unexpected.” Her knuckles are white and I wonder if she’ll break her cup.

  My eyes find Mom’s. And I open my mouth to speak, but nothing comes out. I have to hide my shock, because right now my parents think my freak out last night was for Shawn’s parents, not for myself. That’s way better. His parents split? No wonder he was so crazy last night. I bet he knew over Thanksgiving…and all I could think about was some time alone. He needed me, and I was trying to get away. Now guilt starts to ease into my chest, and if any more emotions hit me this hard today, I’m bound to explode.

  I have to clear my throat twice before I find my voice. “Yeah.”

  “He might really need you, honey. If you need to stay over there instead of school, it’s okay.” She’s still clutching her coffee cup with both hands.

  How do I tell her I need school? Distance, even though it seems completely selfish of me. “We talked. I’m going to school.” I turn and walk out of the house before she can say anything else.

  My mind is reeling. No wonder Shawn was so wasted. Why didn’t he just say? Maybe I could have handled something better? Different? Anyone would snap under that much stress. Poor Shawn. And once again, I feel like I’m abandoning him by going to school. I have no idea what to do because after last night, the last thing I want to do is see or talk to him—at least not for a while.

  And there’s no way for me to even consider the long-term implications of me not wanting to be around Shawn. That’s shattering. Just, for right now, I need some space. That doesn’t mean we’d have to be over. Final. My heart’s starting to swirl as much as my head and my emotions are as lost as my thoughts.

  ~ 13 ~

  I WAS SIXTEEN YEARS OLD…

  …when he moved back into town. It happened over Christmas break. Mom kept going on and on about some big surprise. Nothing I could know about. I knew my brother Ben wasn’t the surprise because he was just home from college, and already there. And anyway, he wouldn’t really be considered a surprise.

  Shawn stepped into my room just before I turned out the lights the day after Christmas. He’d changed so much. He looked so…mature. His shoulders were way broader than the guy I’d kissed over the summer, and his voice was a guy’s voice. Not a boy’s voice. The soft lowness of it vibrated through me when he spoke.

  “Good surprise?” A corner of his mouth pulled up.

  “Great surprise.” My arms went around him and that was the first time I’d ever kissed a guy on my bed. It went in the book.

  I heard my parents arguing about how much time to give us before Dad came to check on us. Shawn chuckled between kisses.

  He gave me my first real gift from him that night. The bracelet I still wear. The one with the small coin with Shawn on one side and Ronnie on the other. Part of me always fantasized on wearing that bracelet forever—through college, at our wedding. Kid fantasies maybe, but they always felt real to me. I’d known him for too long to think of him as anything less than a forever thing.

  ***

  Luke steps behind me in the hallway at school. “What are you doing here?” he whispers.

  “Going to class?” I tease without pausing. Today my plan is to keep everyone at a distance.

  “Have you told anyone?” Our eyes don’t meet. We’re walking side by side, and we both know exactly what he’s talking about.

  “What?” Play innocent, right?

  “That answers my question.” He glances away and then back at me, his jaw tightens briefly in what I assume is irritation. “Ronnie you have to talk to someone. We can talk, or go to the school nurse, she’d actually know stuff, you know? Tell your parents. This can’t keep happening.”

  “It won’t.” And I’ve just thought of the reason why. “With his parents separated, their house will be a lot less tense. It’ll be okay.” It has to be okay.

  “This is killing me.” He stops and like a moron, I stop next to him. “Are you honestly staying with him after last night?”

  “I…” But I’m not sure how to answer. I don’t know. How can I not know when we’re talking about Shawn? “He was drunk, Luke. His mom just ki
cked out his dad…”

  “You promised.” Luke’s face is inches from mine, and I swear his brown eyes see straight into me.

  He has to know everything now—how I love Shawn, but don’t know what to do with what happened last night and maybe, maybe he even knows how he’s been confusing me.

  “You said that if anything else happened, you’d walk away. I’ve been going crazy for you, worried about you.” He pulls in a breath. “It was awful to just watch you walk out last night, knowing the best thing I could do was keep him busy.”

  “This is different.” I shake my head. Even Luke, Shawn’s best friend, doesn’t understand.

  “His dad was arrested this morning. His mom’s been keeping photos. It’s bad.” His warm breath hits my face as he speaks.

  My stomach shrinks and I can barely breathe. It’s so dramatic. Does that make me feel better about Shawn or worse? Everything’s too mixed up for me to know right now.

  “He’s never hit me, Luke.” And yes, even I know what I’m saying is pathetic.

  “But you’ve worn long-sleeves to cover what he’s done.” His fingers slide down my arm sending shivers through my body.

  I don’t speak. Instead my eyes stare at the grey carpet. It’s just that Shawn and I are different from other people who argue. I’m not the girl Luke thinks I am. I’m not some kind of pathetic victim. I’m trying to help Shawn and I stay together.

  “Ronnie, I saw your panties on the floor. Did you take them off, or did he?” His voice is quiet, but his words scream, piercing my chest, my head, and dig in way too deep.

  I spin and walk away—heart breaking, scattering. And tears sliding down my cheeks.

  I skip play practice. They can work on fight scenes or something today, but Ronnie/Juliet doesn’t have it in her to stand that close to Luke.

  ***

  Mom’s question accosts me the second I step inside the house. “Did you know what was happening between his parents?”

  “No.” Even though part of me suspected after hearing them yell in his house. At the very least, I wasn’t as surprised as I should have been when I heard.

  “I’m shocked.” Mom shakes her head. “Diane never breathed a word. Ever. The only thing she’s ever said about him is to make a comment about him being particular, or having a bad week. We all have bad weeks.”