Knee Deep

by Jolene Perry

  I give her a quick hug, and start toward my room. “I have homework.”

  This whole mess brings out too much. Did Shawn’s dad start out like he did? Just getting frustrated. Then holding his mom. Making sure she knew he was serious.

  How did I find myself here?

  My phone rings.

  SHAWN.

  I answer, but don’t speak.

  “I didn’t think you’d want to see me after yesterday,” he says.

  “I…” But that’s all I have. Words won’t come. Not yet.

  “It’s fine, Ronnie. I wouldn’t have wanted to see me either. I’m sorry. I’m guessing you know everything.” His voice is tired, depressed, low.

  “Why didn’t you ever tell me?” It would have explained so much, shown so much.

  “It’s just not…I don’t know.” His voice is so quiet that I can barely make out the words over the phone.

  “You know I love you and that I want to know about your life, right?” This morning, I wasn’t sure when or how I’d talk to Shawn again. I’m one of only a few friends he has, but I’m just not sure what to do. The sadness in his voice touches me in a familiar place of wanting us. But his voice also reminds me of our night last night. We’re up to four incidents now. Four. This is some big sign for me to run, but he’s not just my boyfriend, he’s my childhood friend. It feels too cruel to desert him now.

  “Yeah.” He lets out a long breath. “I’m going to give you some time. Mom wants out of town for a few days. I just…I need you to forgive me, Ronnie. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” And his words are honest, and the feeling behind them is honest, and why does this all have to be so hard?

  “Love you, Shawn. Don’t be afraid to call, okay?” And now I’m mumbling out the words, which really isn’t fair because of all the times he’s needed me, this is probably when he’s needed me most. I feel like I’m letting him down because I’m not being more persistent or forcing him to do or say anything. But I just don’t have it in me.

  We sit in silence until I hang up the phone.

  Sometimes, just sometimes, I wish I could walk away.

  His fist against the wall, my underwear scraping my legs as he jerked them off. The feeling is etched in forever.

  But the thing is—walking away—it just isn’t me. And love means more than just giving up when things aren’t perfect.

  Again—his fist against the wall, his hands on my wrists.

  I jump when my phone rings.

  LUKE.

  My heart sprints. What do I do?

  I do nothing and then get a text.

  LUKE: MISSED U AT PRACTICE. PLEASE LET ME KNOW UR OK.

  I don’t know if it’s sweet or frustrating that he’s worried about me like this.

  I type, I’M OK, and hit send, even though I’m pretty far from okay.

  ***

  “Did you two talk?” Luke asks the minute he sees me in the hall.

  “Yep.” But I know Luke won’t stop with this. He’ll want to know more. Luke stops too close, my back against the wall.

  This is my friend. The guy I know better than probably anyone. Better than Shawn even, but maybe only because Shawn couldn’t share with me. The familiar smell of sandalwood and coconut helps my body relax, even though we shouldn’t be this close. But now I also don’t know if I want him to step away. There’s this delightful dancing, tingling in my stomach that I love. There’s no way for me to feel more messed up if I tried. Luke. Shawn. Familiar. Love. Fear. Betrayal. All of those words fit both of them, and swirl around in my head leaving me beyond confused.

  “Please tell me you walked away from him.”

  “I can’t.” I shake my head. “Not right now. Not with everything he has going on.”

  “He’s an asshole, Ronnie. How can you even think about being with someone like that?” His face is wrinkled in confusion, and his voice is a harsh whisper. “You’re so much smarter than this.”

  “If you think he’s such a jerk, why are you still friends with him?” I cross my arms, clutching my book to my chest. Our eyes meet. Now I have him.

  “Because.” He lets out a sigh and I know there’s something hanging between us. No more guessing. His face comes closer to mine. His eyes are soft.

  Like a moron, I breathe in again, sending another wave of tingling through my body.

  “Because you are.”

  It’s all crashing in. All the extra looks, divided attention with his girlfriends, watching out for me with Shawn…

  “When he came back into town last year, I realized that you two were as close as you’d said. I knew the only way to keep being friends with you was to be friends with him.”

  No, no, no. This is not good. Me feeling a little more toward Luke than what I should is okay, it’s temporary, from the play. Him feeling more for me…wait. “But you date.”

  “And how long does it last?” His eyes. They won’t let me go, they hold me to this spot, to his face.

  “I didn’t know…” But you did know, Ronnie, and you let it happen.

  “I hide it well.” His eyes dart around for a moment before finding mine once again.

  I shake my head. “You know I can’t.” Shawn and I belong together. It’s why I’m with him and why we work together, why I deal with so much of what I do. Because part of me still wants him forever, and I know this weirdness from him won’t last. Can’t.

  “Not now, no.” And that hopeful look is back. “Because you feel guilt over things that aren’t your fault. But maybe soon.”

  “He’s it for me, Luke.” I think. But the longer you stand close, the less sure I am.

  Luke’s face falls. “He can’t be. It can’t be possible for someone like him to get someone like you.”

  If he only knew how bad I screw things up. Like how I say the wrong things, like giving Shawn a hard time for making me sneak out. Or how I wear my stupid shoes, even though I love him, and even though it makes him uncomfortable. How I should be way more understanding of his faults. “No. Trust me, Luke.” I start to turn away, but stop when he leans even further towards me.

  “I don’t believe in one person for one person. It doesn’t make any sense. When you’re in love, when you feel it in your chest and it takes you over—it feels like you’re part of something like that, and it should. But it’s not real. You can be happy without him. You can be happy with someone else. He’s not the only one for you.”

  His words fold upon me, tightening something inside me and I don’t know if it’s good or bad or how it might sway me, but his words are changing. I just need to figure out if I can change, or if I want to.

  “Be careful.” He leans forward, rests his hand on my face, and his lips touch my cheek. His simple gesture sends shivers through my body, swirling around the uncertainties that already cloud my thoughts.

  I’m frozen to the spot for a moment. “I know how to deal with Shawn. I’m okay.” But I know nothing right now. With the new something I do know, I know nothing.

  “You know how to deal with him. That again?” His voice is harder now. “Don’t you think the relationship should be a little more two-sided?” He lets his hand fall from my face and the loss of him is harsh, cold.

  I start to move away again. Luke can’t be awkward. I can’t lose him like that. “I gotta go.” But part of me doesn’t want to move from this spot. He likes me, and not just a little bit. Should it make a difference? It’s not like I’d be alone if Shawn and I…split.

  Split. Way too final.

  He runs a hand through his soft blond hair. “I feel helpless to protect you, Ronnie.”

  My heart jumps, but I push out a laugh. “I don’t need protection.”

  And it’s all over his face. He doesn’t believe me.

  And right now, even with Shawn out of town, I don’t believe me either.

  ~ 14 ~

  I WAS FOURTEEN…

  …when Luke’s dad walked out. With my dad being a therapist I knew bad things happened to k
ids and families all the time, but when it happened to Luke, it felt different. Luke’s like me—the youngest. His older brothers were already gone from home. He was the tail end of his family and even though he never said it out loud, I knew that he often felt like a mistake, an afterthought.

  “My dad doesn’t want me anymore,” he said.

  “It’s your parents, Luke. Not you.” We sat in my backyard next to my pool.

  “But he’s choosing to live a life that doesn’t include me. That means he’s choosing to leave me.” His feet created a boiling surface on the water.

  And I couldn’t really argue with that logic. I rested my head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’ll be okay.” He said it in his most ‘no-big-deal’ relaxed voice, but I knew him better than that.

  “Chocolate popcorn?” I asked.

  “And a really bad movie we can make fun of?” The beginnings of a smile started to play at the corners of his mouth.

  “I’ll start the food.” I stood up.

  “I’ll start the movie.” And that was the beginning of Luke and Ronnie’s movie marathon days.

  Even at the worst of his partying and never being home and late night phone calls from his mom to my mom, he’d still sometimes take a movie day with me. Normally it was on a day he was suspended and would call in a low voice to excuse me from school, but we still made it happen. Because sometimes all we need is somebody to sit in silence with.

  ***

  I head for play practice. My feet are heavy, and I’m wondering if I can just skip again. It’s almost as if Luke’s admission should have me more shocked, but I guess part of me already knew, or suspected. Maybe the really stupid side of me even hoped. Now all I hope is that it’s not awkward to be around him. That would be horrible. My favorite thing about Luke is how comfortable he is.

  “Wait up!” Mindy calls.

  “Hey.” I breathe out in relief that it’s her.

  “Luke said you and I need to get together.” She slides her arm through mine as we walk to the theater.

  “Yeah.” I squeeze her arm. But she doesn’t say anything else, which makes me think he didn’t tell her anything. Luke’s a good guy—the thought brings tears like weights to the insides of my eyes.

  “Whoa.” She stops and stares. “What’s going on, Ronnie?”

  “So much.” I sniff once and blink to hold in tears. It’s so stupid that I haven’t told her everything. I’m not even sure when the last time was that we just sat and hung out together.

  “Skip practice, okay? Come with me.”

  “But…” And then I stop when I realize my first thought, the one that hits my chest, is how much I’ll miss Luke. That’s not good. I love Shawn.

  “Fine, we’ll take seats in the back and you can go up when they need you.” Her face is set. She means it.

  I just start walking, unsure if my voice works yet.

  We find seats in the back. It’s dark here, and my hope is that no one will see us.

  “We’ll start by going over some of the fight scenes today.” Mr. Blackman calls out before taking his seat.

  “Okay.” Mindy’s eyes are on me. “Spill.”

  I slump low, uncertain of where to start. Just then Luke/Romeo and his friends step onto the stage. My breath catches at the sight of him. Have I let myself get too close? What does that say about me? Maybe Shawn did have reason to be mad all those times.

  “Ronnie?” Mindy’s gaze follows mine to the stage.

  “Oh.” She smirks as her eyes catch Luke.

  “Don’t.” I shake my head. Dread seeps in with the realization from both of us. “I love Shawn. I want Shawn. Forever.” But I’m not sure that I mean it anymore. We haven’t talked again. I’m not even sure what we are now.

  “Ronnie. That’s ridiculous. We’re in high school. You shouldn’t meet your forever until you’re like twenty-five or something.” She rolls her big blue eyes at me.

  “It’s not just that, Mindy.” There’s so much more.

  “What’s goin’ on?” She slouches further into the chair and I follow.

  I tell her about Luke coming over when I got suspended and how Shawn grabbed my wrist. Her eyes widen in shock. I tell her about going to Shawn’s work and him grabbing my shoulders, and in the parking lot at our school. I tell her about how sweet he was between those incidents and how much I love him and how stressful his life’s been. How his dad’s been hurting his mom.

  We talk about Thanksgiving and I tell her Luke was there and sort of saved me again from Shawn, and how we snuggled on my super awesome blanketopia and how I ignored the way I felt when we lay together.

  “He was on the coast visiting his dad?” she asks.

  “Yeah.”

  “And his dad ditched him for the day to play golf?”

  I clutch my stomach. I’m the worst friend ever. He even told me in just about that many words, and I didn’t do anything to help him out. “I feel like the worst person ever.”

  “That’s ridiculous!” Her whisper is loud enough that probably everyone heard.

  I crouch lower.

  “Please tell me there isn’t more. And I can’t believe you haven’t told me this stuff, Ronnie. It’s like you’d rather be alone in this than have help. Even from me ?” Her face is all wrinkled in concern, and I feel like crap.

  “No.” I shake my head. “It’s just that I already knew what you’d say.”

  “Yeah, cause I’d tell you to run away from him and never look back.” Her bright eyes are wide and close to me, scrutinizing, watching, begging to convince me.

  “Right.” I nod. “And there’s more.”

  “More ?” She scoots closer.

  Now we’re on to the other night and the panties, and Luke again, and how mixed up I feel, and that it’s like I’m the most horrible girl in the world and have no idea what to do about it.

  Her arm comes around me, and I immediately lean into her. “None of this is okay. Is it starting to hit home now that it’s all out there together?”

  “A bit,” I admit. Talking about all the small incidents at once shows a pattern I don’t want to see.

  “I’m sure he likes you.” She squeezes. “Luke, I mean.”

  Right. The other mess. “He told me today.”

  “Then why don’t you be somewhere safe, and let yourself fall for him?” she pleads. “Cause Luke…he’s damn near perfect.”

  I breathe in deep, stretching my lungs and ribcage. I’m so tense it hurts. “I still love Shawn. He’s gone through a lot and has kept it all to himself. He deserves more from me than that.”

  “No, Ronnie.” She shakes her head. “You deserve more than what he’s given you.”

  And part of me knows she’s right, and part of me has no idea what would happen if Shawn wasn’t in my life. I can’t remember a time when he wasn’t.

  “Juliet!” Blackman calls. “We’re in need of you!”

  “I’m going to stand by what I said earlier.” Mindy holds my hand, keeping me from moving away. “Let yourself fall for Luke. He appreciates you. Or just be on your own for a while. Anything would be better than what you’re dealing with.”

  I open my mouth to argue that Shawn appreciates me, but we don’t have time for that runaround yet.

  I drag myself to the stage, and all I hope is that Luke and I don’t have to kiss, because my heart can’t handle any more emotional insanity. Not today.

  ~ 15 ~

  I turn off my bedroom light to go sleep and my phone buzzes, followed almost immediately by a soft knock on my window. I pick up my phone.

  SHAWN: IT’S ME

  I step to my window and slide it open.

  Shawn and I stare at one another in silence. He’s like this familiar stranger. I’m not sure how else to describe how I feel about seeing him outside my window. My heart thumps in the silence between us.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask.

  “I drove down, just for tonight. I had to see you, Ronn
ie. Will you come with me?” His dark eyes are pleading.

  “Give me a sec.” I step back.

  “Wear pants and a hoodie or something, okay? Leave your mom a note.” He doesn’t say please, but it’s all over his face.

  “What are we doing?” I whisper.

  “Trust me, please, for this.” Again, pleading eyes.

  Trust him. I need to if we’re going to have any kind of future. The problem is that it’s no longer a future I think I want. “I’ll meet you in front.”

  “Thank you.” He pauses for a moment before stepping back.

  I scrawl out a note—Shawn wanted to talk, have my cell.

  I slide on jeans and grab a hoodie to put over my tank. Am I really doing this? Trusting him enough to be alone with him?

  Shawn’s leaning against his bike on the road when I step outside. Right. Jeans, hoodie. He’s going to take me on that thing.

  “Don’t look so worried.” He flashes the smile that makes me remember every stolen moment of happiness, every kiss, every touch, every promise, every desire. I’m lighter. Just a little, but maybe enough.

  “I’ll try.” But now I’m having a hard time taking my eyes off his face.

  “I promise to drive careful, okay?” He hands me the red helmet he got me for Christmas last year so I could ride with him. I told him to keep it ‘cause there was no way I was riding that thing, but he wasn’t deterred.

  “Okay.” I take the helmet and put it on. Why couldn’t he be in his mom’s car? “Where are we going?”

  “Trust me?” He bends his head down to catch my eyes, hoping I will.

  This is sort of it, right? Me getting behind him on that thing.

  To me, getting on the bike means that I’m ready to keep trying with him, keep moving forward. “Okay.”

  Again, the melt-my-heart smile arrives. But it doesn’t melt me this time, just softens me a little.

  I climb on behind him and he starts slowly out of the neighborhood. He drives more carefully than he ever has. My arms wrap more tightly around his middle; his warmth spreading even through my sweatshirt. My eyes close and I think back to the summers on the beach, to the letters we sent to each other for years, to how soft, warm and wonderful he can be. How well I know him, how long I’ve thought of him as someone I’d spend my life with.