Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  He’d said it so much I started to take it for granted, and now that he was actually in danger of dying, I didn’t want to let go. My lips trembled as I brought them to his, and his thumbs wiped away my tears as I pulled away.

  “I love you so much. Please, please…” I inhaled a desperate breath, “…please, just come back to me.”

  “I left you something in the bedside table drawer.” He smiled so wide, his eyes lit. “I’ll see you in three to six hours.” He brought his lips to my ear and whispered, “I love you more than life, Maggie. More than life.”

  It was a whirlwind of movement, a gust, and he was gone. He was escorted away by the OR staff, and once the door shut, I fell apart inside the blank and vacant space. I collapsed into the chair and sobbed, letting all the tears I’d been holding back flow. I cried so hard I felt like I was going to throw up; in fact, at one point, I actually did. It wasn’t until my eyes finally bled themselves dry that I remembered to look inside the drawer like Ryan had told me to. My fingers were unsteady as I pulled it open slowly, and just as he said, there was something inside waiting. The letter was folded, and I could see the impressions of ink through the thin white paper. I lifted it from the drawer like it was a precious piece of art, a long lost relic, or a dying man’s last words.

  Once I opened it, my eyes scanned the familiar handwriting. It was messier than usual, and I imagined his hand had been shaking as he wrote it.

  Maggie,

  I once lived a life that I could be proud of and I had so much to give. I got lost in between the past and present. Purgatory, Maggie. I was in the dark. When I first saw Beth that day in the street, and she reminded me so much of what I used to have, it hurt, it hurt so fucking bad, but I felt it. I felt something. She was the first piece of light I’d had in a decade, and then there was you. Your light, Maggie, it burned, but I had to look, I had to feel it. You gave me the greatest gift. You showed me who I could be again. You took me in and lit me on fire, and because of you, I’ve had a moment to live again. You’ve given me back my pride, and you’ve shown me how to rebuild my life. There isn’t a chance in hell I won’t make my way back to you… in this life or in the next if that’s the course I’m on.

  You’re my direction. You lead me North, Maggie, always up, and I have no doubt I’ll be drawn back to you. Belle has given me a pardon from my past. Since my heart attack all I see are the happy moments, and I want to make new ones, with you, with Beth, with our child… with our children, maybe.

  Maggie, I wasn’t kidding. I’m going to make you my wife. I’m going to do this right, and if proposing to you this way works better, then I figured I ought to try it.

  Marry me, Maggie?

  Make me yours.

  When I wake up today, and I’m groggy as hell, I expect an answer.

  I love you more than life,

  Ryan.

  I brought the letter to my chest and pressed it against my sternum. I wanted each heartbeat to mix with his words. I hoped, somehow, in some crazy way, he could hear it and know my answer. The salty water spilled over my lashes and trickled down my cheeks as I tried to speak the word in a silent prayer.

  Yes.

  Pain — it was all I’d felt when my eyes had first opened after the surgery. I’d thought they’d left me split open. Even now, it still hurt to breathe, but I was fucking breathing. One day in the ICU and three in Intermediate Care, but today, today was the day they let me go home to my life, to my family, to Maggie. The surgery had taken four hours, thirty-five minutes, and fifteen seconds. For some people, it’s a short shift at work, a drive to the country, or dinner and a movie. For me, it’s exactly how long I had to wait for my answer.

  “He’s still a little sedated, but I’ll sneak you in.” An unfamiliar female voice sifted into my subconscious.

  A light pressure on my hand distracted me from the searing pain in my chest and my eyes opened. The light wasn’t too bright; the room was dimly lit, and the faint sounds of the monitor filled the space with a quiet beat.

  “He looks like he’s in pain.” Her voice was sad as the pressure on my hand increased. I knew that voice, and it was the only thing anchoring me to the present.

  Maggie.

  My head turned in what felt like slow-motion, and I found her tear filled blue eyes. “Hey.” The word was filled with a sandpapery quality, and my throat ached. The fire in my chest raged, and I winced as I tried to clear my throat.

  “He needs pain meds.” She sounded more frantic than I’d ever heard her.

  “Maggie.” I attempted a smile as her hand ran through my hair.

  An older woman in scrubs came to the other side of the bed and messed with the IV in my hand. A cool sensation ran up my arm, and the flames that licked along my sternum died to a mere flicker.

  “He needs his rest.” The unfamiliar voice I’d heard earlier belonged to the nurse at my bedside. She was talking about me like I wasn’t there, and if she hadn’t just doped me up with pain medication, I would have spoken up. “I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t worry, Mags. He did great.”

  “I know, Janice, just give me five minutes,” Maggie pleaded, and the older lady nodded. Her smile made the wrinkles around her eyes deepen.

  “Five minutes. And Maggie, when you get sick of all the hub-bub down in the ER, you should come work with us up here. It’s a million times better.”

  “I’ll think on it.” Maggie’s laugh was light, and I loved the sound of it. I wanted to wipe away her tears and only give her smiles from this moment forward.

  My mouth moved to speak, but instead I coughed, and the pain cracked along every one of my ribs. Maggie’s smile dropped, and her eyes scanned my face and then my chest. “What can I do?”

  I took a few short breaths, squeezed my eyes shut, and worked myself through the ache that threatened to sink me. Maggie’s palm was soft against my forehead and soothed me more than any medication could. “You can give me an answer.” I opened my eyes, and even though my smile was weak, her lips spread into a shy grin.

  “That letter.” She shook her head. “You write good letters.” Her grin turned into a shaky smile. “Yes.”

  “Yes?” I didn’t care that my thirsty lips felt as if they would splinter into a thousand cracks. I let my smile pull across my face anyway.

  She nodded her head and brought her fingers to her trembling lips. Her cheeks were pink, and the color made the tears that spilled from her eyes stand out.

  “Come here.” My voice felt stronger. She leaned down, and I raised my hand to her face as she rested her forehead against mine. “The minute you said yes… was the moment this heart started beating again.”

  My recovery was moving faster than I had predicted. The in-hospital stay for this kind of surgery was three to seven days, and I couldn’t believe how quickly I was healing. The new valve was working, and it helped that I’d always been pretty fit, but I think it was her answer that set me free.

  “Yes.”

  I still had a long haul ahead of me. Eight to twelve weeks was the norm for a full recovery, but I’d shoot for eight. The life I had in front me teased me every time Maggie walked out of the room to go home at night. The heavy shit of my past was still there, but it became just another piece of my puzzle instead of the keystone of who I was. I felt good, and I couldn’t wait to get back to her — to us.

  Maggie’s shift should have ended about ten minutes ago, and I had my belongings packed and ready to go, so when Tony came into the room, it surprised me.

  “Why are you here?” The question sounded less rude in my head.

  His laugh was whole-hearted. “Is that how you greet all your visitors or just me?”

  He sat down in the chair with a long exhale. He took his hat off and ran his hands through his hair before placing the hat back on his head.

  “Maggie’s coming to get me. I’m going home today.”

  “Have a seat.” Tony glanced up from under the brim of his hat.

  “
Okay?” I couldn’t hide the irritation in my tone. I loved Tony like a father, but I didn’t want any bad news… not today. I tied the strings of my belongings bag and then sat on the edge of the bed. “What’s up?”

  “I think… and hear me out… I think you need to recover—”

  “Tony—”

  He held his hand up to stop me from interrupting. “Hear me out, I said.” He frowned at me, and I had to press my lips together to stifle my laugh as I raised my hand indicating he could continue. “I don’t want to see you anywhere near the diner for at least twelve weeks.”

  “I can’t afford that.”

  “Yes, you can. You never spend your money, and besides, I’ll fire you if you step foot through that diner door, so help me God.” Tony smirked. “Well, you can come in as a patron if you’re willing to risk it. That Collin is a horrible cook. Ryan, I want you back. I need you back, but not unless you’re in tip-top condition. Do you hear me?”

  The muscle in my jaw ached as I ate my pride. “Yeah.”

  “Good.” He clapped his hands and his smile grew. “You look good… I think we might have those whiskey shots sooner than later.”

  I chuckled. “Maybe.”

  “No liquor.” Maggie’s stern voice filled the room. Her hair was down, and the sun that filtered through the window made her blonde waves shine. Her full pink lips pulled up on one side as her eyes appraised me. “It’s nice to see you in jeans.”

  “I’m starting to feel like myself again,” I said as she leaned down and kissed me on the cheek.

  She gently placed the palm of her hand on the right side of my chest. The stitches were still there, but her touch always made it feel better. “You ready?”

  “I am.” I placed my hand over hers for a second and then lifted it, lacing our fingers together. She took a step back and allowed me to stand. “You know, Tony, you could have waited until I got home to tell me all of this, saved yourself the drive.”

  “Well…” Maggie’s eyes shifted from mine to Tony’s and then back to mine again. “I asked him to come here.” She chewed at her bottom lip.

  She was making me anxious. Her eyes were glassy, and I noticed the reason she was biting her lip was to stop it from trembling. I dropped her hand and palmed her cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

  She huffed out a laugh. “I asked him to come because I told you, Ryan… remember… I’d marry you the day you left this hospital.”

  Her blue eyes were locked on mine, and I watched as the first tear brimmed over the edge and onto her long lashes. “Right now?” I asked, and my mouth moved into a slow smile.

  “Right now, just me and you. I’m making you mine, Ryan.” She raised her hands and placed them over mine. “Is that okay?” she whispered just before I brought my lips to hers.

  I felt this kiss in every damn pore and the heat of it in every vein. Her teeth raked across my lower lip as she pulled away. “I take that as a yes?”

  I nodded. “Good thing we know a priest.”

  “Ex-priest, but I can still officiate… lucky for you kids.” Tony watched us with a crooked grin.

  I brought my attention back to Maggie and searched her eyes for any type of hesitation, but all I saw was love. “Is this really how you want to do this? No rings, no dress—”

  “No frills.” She dropped her hands, and I lowered mine to her waist. “I don’t need to parade our relationship down an aisle in an overly expensive dress I’ll only wear for three hours to prove to myself that we belong together. I made a promise, and I’m not leaving this hospital as anything less than your wife.”

  Ryan’s chuckle ignited my pulse. His smile pulled into a dimple on his right cheek, and it made all the anxiety I’d been carrying around for the past two days seem silly. I’d gone to Tony to see if he was still able to officiate marriages, and when he’d said yes, everything started to fall into place. I hadn’t had time to get rings, but we didn’t need them. At least not now, all I needed was him. Ryan’s brown eyes fell to my mouth and he licked his lips. I’d watched the marked effort he took with each breath after the surgery, but today it was different. His fingertips dusted along the curve of my waist, and with each rise and fall of his chest, it was excitement I saw in his eyes instead of pain.

  “You kids ready?” Tony stood from the chair. “I didn’t prepare any speeches or vows. I figured we’d play it by ear.”

  Ryan swallowed and gave me a nervous smile. “I’m not sure what to say.”

  I took his left hand with my right and gently gripped his left ring finger with my thumb and forefinger just below the knuckle. “Me either.”

  He took my left hand with his right and mirrored my hold. My eyes dropped to our hands, and the connection was profound. My heart filled with a joyful ache, and my throat contracted as I raised my eyes back to Ryan’s. My vision blurred as I was overcome with emotion. “I might need you to go first.” My lips pulled into a watery smile.

  He glanced at Tony. “Say what you feel, son. I’m just here to sign the piece of paper. This is your time.”

  Ryan turned his attention back to me, and I could see he was struggling with his own feelings. He closed his eyes for a second, and his jaw pulsed as he swallowed. “Maggie, I wish I could show you how it feels.” His eyes opened, and his thick lashes were wet. “I wish you could feel it. Feel what you do to me. I think if you could feel it, see inside this heart, then you’d know… you’d know I was yours the moment you smiled at me that first day.” He pressed his lips together, and his eyes shone as he dropped his gaze to our hands. “Maggie…” he cleared his throat and looked at me again, “…when you came back to the diner that day, I couldn’t let myself see it… see you, because it hurt too damn much. But, I swear to you, I promise you, Maggie, I’ll do everything I can to keep you in focus. I’ll give you all I have left, everything… every piece of me is yours.”

  He rested his head against mine and a cry broke from my lips. I had to take several deep breaths, but I still wasn’t sure if I would be able to utter a word. Ryan released my ring finger and brought his hand to my cheek. “You don’t have to say anything, Maggie. I know… I know how much you love me.” His lips melded with mine, and he claimed each unspoken word as his own.

  I let my hand fall from his so I could wrap my fingers in his hair. I got lost inside him. The feel of his lips, the taste of his tongue. This man, my husband, time seemed to stand still for us and, in this surreal moment, every feeling was painted in warm hues of gold and red. His hands, those strong and capable hands, drew me in, and the heat of his touch penetrated through my skin. If I didn’t pull away, if I didn’t take a breath, I’d lose myself entirely, and I still had something to say.

  “Ryan.” His name fell from my lips in a breathless plea. Tony’s quiet laugh reminded me that we weren't alone, and my cheeks filled with color. My lids slowly shut as Ryan’s lips brushed against my forehead. “I didn’t think we’d get a chance… and each day… it was hard to see how things would work out.” I pulled away from his embrace and opened my eyes. My hand tangled with his left, and I raised it to my heart. “Our love is endless, Ryan.”

  “Just like the sky,” he repeated the words I’d spoken to him that day on the beach, and my lips pulled into a smile.

  “I love you.” The three words were almost tangible, and I imagined them wrapping around his left finger as he kissed me with gentle lips.

  The lines in my palms were filled with white dust. The flour lingered in a small cloud above the work surface. The feel of the dough between my fingers made me grin. I leaned over, pinched a bit of flour, and sprinkled it over the countertop. I grabbed the rolling pin and flattened the dough into a thin layer. This was my first week back at work and it felt good. It felt good to use my hands, to make something again, to contribute. It was like I’d never left, and I fell back into my old routine easily.

  “Hey, sweetheart, I need two cheeseburgers and an order of cheese fries.” Lou’s voice smiled, and as I looked up from the p
astry I was working on, I was greeted with nothing less. “Are you making your fritters?” she asked as she placed the order ticket in front of the grill.

  “I am. I’ve got a dozen already baking.”

  She started to dump the fresh cut potatoes into the fryer basket, and I frowned. “I got this, Lou.”

  She dropped the basket into the grease and started the timer. “I know. But it’s your first week back, and I don’t want you overdoing anything.” Her smile drew deep creases next to and under her eyes.

  “It’s been over three months.” I wiped my hands on my white apron as I made my way to the grill. “I’m ready to work. I’m healthy. I’m me again.”

  “It’s good to have you back.” Her smile threatened to fall, and she dropped her eyes from mine. Lou wasn’t sappy, so seeing her getting worked up hit me in the gut. She clapped her hands together and cleared her throat. “Save me a fritter. I missed those more than you, you know?”

  I chuckled. “At least I know where I stand.”

  Her laugh was throaty, and she shook her head. “Just make sure you have everything set up for Collin before you head home for the night.”

  “I will.”

  She didn’t wait around for my answer, and I wasn’t sure if she even heard me before the kitchen door swung shut behind her.

  Yeah. It was good to be back.

  The heat from the grill left a familiar burn along the skin of my arm as I threw the hamburger patties onto its surface. I waited a few minutes and then flipped them just as the fryer timer rang. It was a dance I’d perfected before I’d gotten sick, but after being gone so long I was still getting my sea legs back. I’d spent the better part of my week reorganizing the kitchen, ordering, and restocking. I’d managed to get Red’s menu back on track in less than three days, but running the grill on my own, cooking again, it was harder than I remembered.