Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  “Finally.” Ry pumped his fist in the air and ran to the truck.

  My smile was ear to ear as I turned to say goodbye to Belle. My lips didn’t falter, the sound of my family bringing joy to the departure. Belle wasn’t really gone, she was in my soul, weaved deeply, and as I brought my hand to my heart and whispered I love you, I knew she could hear it.

  “Just like that.” My lips broke into a large grin as I watched Ry cast his line into the water. “See, I told you you’d get the hang of it.”

  His posture was proud. “I’m pretty good.”

  “A natural.” I chuckled.

  The weight of the fishing rod felt good in my hand. The water was on the cooler side as it lapped against my ankles. This was the first year I’d brought Ry out here to my old fishing spot.

  “My dad used to bring me here. We’d have lunch and fish all day while he’d drive me nuts with all his advice.” I laughed as I thought back on my weekly Sunday childhood lessons on life.

  Ry brought his eyes to mine. “We should fish more back home.”

  “I’d like that.”

  His smile grew, and I thought maybe my dad was pretty smart after all. Life was fast-paced. Ry was ten already, and what had I really taught him?

  “Don’t go to bed angry.”

  “What?” Ry furrowed his brows as he took his attention away from the lake and back to me.

  “Don’t go to bed angry, and always kiss your wife in public.” My lips turned up on one side when Ry’s nose crumpled. “Those were the two principles of marriage your granddad taught me. He said if you go to bed mad, then things get twisted and rot. Fix it before the anger acts like a termite.”

  “A termite?” His eyebrow popped up with question.

  “They eat wood and leave it hollow in the center, so it ends up rotting. My dad was always good with words. I’m still learning, but your mom, she makes me understand stuff more than I used to.”

  His eyes fell to the ground. “I like when you kiss Mom.”

  “You do?” I sputtered as I laughed.

  He nodded and raised his gaze. “It makes me feel… safe.”

  “Me, too.”

  His smile was wide. “What else should I know?”

  “Always open doors for girls. Even if they say they don’t want you to, they do.”

  “What if—”

  “They do… trust me, and always pay for dinner.” I reeled in my line and then cast it back into the water. “Don’t procrastinate, get your work done early, and you’ll have more time to play.” I raised my eyebrows, and he snickered. “Always be respectful of women, Ry, especially your sisters and your mom. Always remember your family, they come first. This is something I’m going to make you promise me, okay?”

  “Okay.” His eyes were innocent and sincere.

  I saw myself reflected in his image, and it shook me. Life could betray you and make your world spin, but it could also give you back everything you’d thought you’d lost. My father gave me the best advice. I had a tremendous respect for that man and a wealth of knowledge because of him, but it was in my own trials that I’d found the truth.

  “Ry?” I paused and drew in my line. “I need you to promise me one more thing, all right, Buzz?”

  “Sure.” His smile pulled at my heart.

  “One day you will need help, and if I’m not here to help you, remember today, okay? Remember all the good instead of the bad. No matter how sad you get, Ry, focus on the good. It’s the only way to keep your course.”

  He was probably too young to really understand, but I hoped that in the future, he’d remember it and get my meaning. “Did Granddad tell you that, too?”

  “No, actually… it was Mom.”

  His smile reached his eyes. “Cool.”

  I helped Ry cast his line back into the water, and we fished. The thunderheads started to roll in after a while, and even if the storm clouds weren’t enough to end our little adventure for the day, it was getting close to dinner time.

  “What do you say we head back, pick up some fried catfish since we didn’t catch anything?”

  Ry pouted. “Can we come again tomorrow?”

  “Sure.”

  We packed and loaded up the truck with our fishing rods and headed back to my parents’ house. The music played low, and the air conditioner chilled my skin as the road stretched out in front of us. Ry dozed off mid-sentence as he talked about our plans for Disney this week. The light rocking motion of the truck’s cab didn’t help. It seemed to always knock him out, but that was my son, he could fall asleep anywhere. The sun reflected off the watch face on my left wrist, and my eyes were drawn to its familiar glare. It was the same watch Maggie had given me our first Christmas, and to this day it still kept time.

  The words engraved on the back piece of silver never faded, and each day the words drew me home, to my love, to my one leaf, to Maggie.

  Twelve Years Later

  My fingers fumbled with the clasp of my father’s watch as I placed it on my wrist.

  I can do this.

  My mother had given me his wedding band when I told her I was going to marry Blakely. After today, his legacy would sit on my left finger, and I wondered if I was worth it.

  I can do this.

  My jaw clenched as I looked at myself in the dressing room mirror. My best friend and best man Tyler had just left to see if we were ready to start. My fingers were still unsteady as I loosened my overly snug tie. All day I tried not to think the words. Shit, for the past year I’d tried not to think the words, but today, they blasted in my ear drums.

  “I wish my dad was here.” It was just a whisper, but my attempt to keep myself from crumbling was an uphill battle, and it was a relief to set the words free.

  I slipped my hand into my pocket and the worn piece of paper comforted me. I pulled the fragile note from its hiding place and opened it carefully. It was the letter my dad had sent me when I was in my freshmen year at The University of Oregon. I was home sick, and I’d just failed my first test in chemistry, so as usual I thought the world had ended. Once I was old enough to understand my father’s condition, I became obsessed with the heart. My need for understanding set me on a path, and I’d worked so damn hard to stay on it. When I failed that test, I was sure I would never get into medical school and I’d never become a doctor. I’d called my mom and I fucking whined to her about it. Of course, my dad got on the phone; his voice was the only thing that ever set me straight. He told me in his own way to pull up my big boy pants and to try again. The letter came a week after I failed the test. My eyes scanned every word on the letter over and over again, so many times it became hard to read.

  Ry,

  Here’s that calculator you mentioned you needed. I know the scholarship you won only pays for so much, and I hate that you don’t ask us for more help. Just because you’re a grown man doesn’t mean you can’t ask if you need something. Remember, family first, Buzz, always.

  It’s been hard this year, but Tony passing Red’s to me in his Will, it’s helped a lot, and I’m always here if you need something. I’m proud of you, of what you’ve accomplished, and I wish you could see in yourself what your mom and I see. You work too hard, and I’m afraid you forget sometimes the one piece of advice you promised you’d always remember. Focus on the good, always the good, and you’ll get there, even if it takes you a hundred tries.

  Stay the course.

  We miss you around here, and Blakely is at the diner every day asking how you are. I like her, and if you’re the smart man I know you are, you’ll do right by her. At least I taught you that much.

  Focus on the good.

  I love you Buzz, more than life.

  Dad

  I’d passed that chemistry class with an A minus.

  When he died last summer, I wasn’t sure I would make it through my senior year. His sudden heart attack nearly broke me, but it was Blakely that pulled me from the dark. My father’s presence, his laughter, it was gone, and as ti
me passed I struggled to remember all the little things. I wanted to remember every word he’d ever said, every hug, and every stupid time he messed up my hair with his hand. Even though my mother battled her own devastation, she’d held strong to her belief that Dad would want us to move on and remember that he was with Belle and that we’d all be together again.

  It took me a while, but I realized, even though he wasn’t here, parts of him still remained. His blood pumped through my veins. He lingered in our mirrored mannerisms, in the certain ways that I spoke. He was here.

  He was in everything he taught me, and he taught me well. He showed me what it was like to really love, fully, with everything you had. That no looking back kind of love, that seize what you want before it’s too late way of living life. I watched him live a full life with my mother. Even in his death, she was still able to shine, because he gave her everything. I wanted that, and I saw that possibility in Blakely.

  I folded the letter and placed it back in my pocket as I heard a light knock on the door.

  “It’s about that time, Mr. Hartford.” Beth’s lips were split into a huge smile as she peeked in the door.

  “Where’s Mom?”

  “She’s sitting in the front row waiting for you. See you in five.” She raised her eyebrows and blew me a kiss as she shut the door.

  I can do this.

  I was the man I am today, because of him.

  I can do this.

  My eyes fell to the watch face.

  I was the man he’d always hoped I would become.

  I can do this.

  He made me strong and showed me that love was boundless…

  I can do this.

  Because of his love…

  I am Ryan Hartford.

  “Heart Ache Is a Cold Place” by A Boy and His Kite

  “More Than Life” by Whitley

  “No Ordinary Love” by The Civil Wars

  “Through the Dark” by Alexi Murdoch

  “The Rules for Lovers” by Richard Walters

  “Lost here” by Fauntella Crow

  “Comes and Goes” in Waves by Greg Laswell

  “Northern Wind” by City and Colour

  “Come Back When You Can” by Barcelona

  “Autumn Tree” by Milo Greene

  “Save You” by Matthew Perryman Jones

  “I Will Follow You into The Dark” by Amy Millan

  “Heart’s on Fire” by Passenger

  “Have I Always Loved You” by Copeland

  “Prosthetic Love” by Typhoon

  “Guiding Light” by Foy Vance and Ed Sheeran

  “Have you Forgotten” by Red House Painters

  “Hello My Old Heart” by Oh Hellos

  “Try Again” by Miranda Dodson

  “Youth” by Daughter

  “All I Want” by Daniella Mason

  “Wash.” by Bon Iver

  “Guide Us Home” by Bad Actress

  “It’s All Right” by Fractures

  “World Spins Madly On” by The Weepies

  “Civilian” by Wye Oak

  “Fair” by Remi Zero

  “Lie in the Sound” by Trespassers William

  “Wild Country” by Wake Owl

  “Blue Eyes” by Cary Brothers

  “Clean Getaway” by Maria Taylor

  “Dust” by Hana Oceans

  “Light a Fire” by Rachel Taylor

  “I Remember” by Whitley

  “Wait” by M83

  “Time after Time” by Eva Cassidy

  “Like I’m Gonna to Lose You” by Jasmine Thompson

  “Till My Heart Stops” by Too Far Moon

  “Try Happiness” by Daniel Gidlund

  “Lost in My Mind” by The Head and The Heart

  “Please Don’t Go” by Barcelona

  “Go Your Own Way” by Lissie

  “Trouble I’m In” by Twinbed

  “Hunger” by Ross Copperman

  “I Just Don’t Think I’ll Ever Get Over” You by Colin Hay

  “Die a Happy Man” by Thomas Rhett

  “Without You” by for King & Country

  “Heart Hope” by Oh Wonder

  “Cover Your Tracks” by A Boy and His Kite

  “Hear You Me” by Jimmy Eat World

  Sacred Hart Play List is available on Spotify – click here

  Thank you to my family for all that you sacrifice so that I can live my dream.

  To my husband, my own personal Wolverine, our love is eternal, endless, and infinite… just like the sky.

  To my Beta readers, thank you for your constant encouragement, great ideas, and suggestions. Thank you for moonlighting as therapists… I really needed your help this go around. Lucy, Anna, Laurie, Teri, Christy, Taylor, Cornelia, Giovanna, Marissa, Sarah (you are not a whore), Mg, Vivian, Yvette, Emma, Simmy and Tiffany. You ladies are my SKWAD…

  AJ’s Crew (Mg, Lisa, Lacey, Narine, Anna, Jellie, Jo, Lucy, and Michelle)… My cycle sisters… you know I love you.

  Kelly and Sissy (@bookmarkbelles and @booknerdingout) Thank you so much for starting @stillobsessed you girls are the best cheer team a woman could have!! To my IG family… I wish I could list every single one of you… Thank you for everything that you do for me on a daily basis. I am nothing without you.

  To all the amazing authors that have helped me, thank you for the support, love and generosity.

  Kathleen, Amy, Kay and Emma, you ladies keep my words straight and polished. Thank you for always being ready to work, and I know I make you work hard.

  To Sassy Savvy Fabulous, especially Kristi, you ladies ARE AMAZING!!

  I wish I could list every person who has touched my life. I am so blessed and lucky, and I just want to side hug every last one of you. If you are in my life, you know I love you with all that I am… my heart is your heart. Amanda~ PS… Randa Lynn thank you for giving me Jai…. #heisryanhartford and you are the queen. =)

  A.M. Johnson

  Goodreads Links

  Click on the links below to add to your TBR list.

  Still Life (Forever Still #1)

  Still Water (Forever Still #2)

  Still Surviving (Forever Still #3)

  Sacred Hart

  Coming Soon

  Possession (Avenues Ink #1)

  A.M. Johnson writing as

  Lillian Bryant

  Pressure – Book One – A Valley Hospital Novella

  Gravity – Book Two – A Valley Hospital Novella

  Beneath the Vine

  Instagram

  @am_johnson_author

  @author_lillian_bryant

  Email

  a.m.johnson713@gmail.com

  Facebook

  https://www.facebook.com/AMJOHNSONBOOKS/?fref=ts

  Goodreads

  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/1013748.A_M_Johnson

  https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/14206460.Lillian_Bryant

  A.M. Johnson lives in Utah with her family where she works as a full-time nurse. If she’s not busy with her three munchkins, you’ll find her buried in a book or behind the keyboard. She loves romance and all things passionate. Amanda enjoys exploring all genres and bringing life to the human experience.