Sacred Hart

by A. M. Johnson

  “About your parents?”

  His smile faded. “I’m nervous.”

  Ryan had been in contact with his parents after I almost had to call them myself. He’d been home from the hospital for about three weeks when he finally gave in. It was a long road, and we both had agreed we wanted to trek it. His life had changed so much since Belle had died, and even now, it kept changing and evolving. It didn’t feel right to leave them in the past anymore. My parents were gone and I wished them back to life every day. I didn’t want Ryan to live in his own regrets anymore, and I wanted our children to know their grandparents. Ryan missed his mom and dad, and the more we talked about having them in our lives, the more I grasped at the hope of having them around. They’d raised this wonderful man, and it hurt me to think they’d miss out on his happiness. After the first few calls, Ryan’s resistance evaporated, and it was the last thing he needed to really claim himself again.

  “They’ll be here tomorrow, and I just can’t wrap my head around it.” He closed his eyes as I ran my hand through his hair. “I’ve spent so long pushing them away, and building our relationship again, it’s been… good. I guess I’m just nervous about what seeing them will stir up. My ghosts have been put to rest, and I’m just anxious about how everything will go.” His eyes opened as my fingers trailed down his neck and rested on his shoulder.

  “If they come here, stir up the dust, and then leave, you still have me… Beth and Ry. Once it all settles, we’ll still be right by your side.” My smile pulled up on one side.

  “You’re right.” He brought his hand to my cheek as he kissed me on the forehead.

  “Besides, I made three dozen brownies… hand stirred. It better go well.”

  The skin around Ryan’s eyes crinkled as he laughed openly. “Why did you make so many?”

  “Just in case one batch didn’t taste right.” I wrinkled my nose, and it only made him laugh harder.

  “You should’ve used the mixer.”

  “It’s not the same.”

  “No, it’s not.” His laugh was an exhale as he pulled the blanket up a little higher. “Get some rest. It’s a long day tomorrow.”

  “It’s going to be fine,” I said as I rolled over and turned off the lamp.

  “I hope so.” Ryan’s arm wrapped around my stomach, and I snuggled my back against his chest.

  My eyelids were heavy as the weight of his arm secured me in place. His breathing was measured, and if I pressed against him a little bit more, I would almost be able to feel his heartbeat.

  It was the only way I was able to fall asleep.

  Mr. Hartford was a spitting image of his son. His tall, broad shoulders shook as he laughed with Beth. She had this man on the floor with us for about thirty minutes while she explained to him each superpower and talent of her comic book legends. The only difference between Ryan and his father was age. Daniel’s beard was salt and pepper and his hair was white. Ryan’s mother was very petite. She still appeared young with her dark eyes and light hair, but when she watched Ryan in silence, the years painted across her features. She’d missed her son.

  “Naomi, I’m telling you, this little girl has stolen my heart.” His dad even chuckled like Ryan.

  His southern drawl was thicker, but there was no doubt he’d raised the man I’d married. He stood and picked a few pieces of lint off his black slacks. Ryan’s mom gave me a quiet smile as she ran her hands down her jean clad thighs. Her eyes fell to my swollen stomach and her smile expanded.

  “Cornelia, she’s a friend of ours, she should be here any minute, and then we can go to dinner.”

  “Why can’t I come with you guys?” Beth whined.

  “Adult stuff, Bee.” Ryan’s warm voice soaked into my muscles and untied them, relieving any last trace of nerves. “But don’t worry, Cornelia will let you have a brownie before bed.”

  Beth grinned, and the room filled with laughter.

  “I attempted your recipe, Mrs. Hartford. I hope I did it justice.”

  “Maggie, it’s Naomi… no formalities here… not today and not for you.” Her smile reached her eyes, and I swallowed down my self-doubt.

  “I plated a few for you guys to take back to the motel. The Old Mill isn’t much of a place.” I cringed.

  “I like this town. It’s hard working. I can tell.” Daniel placed his hand on Ryan’s shoulder. “You’ve done well for yourself, Ryan.”

  Ryan’s brow creased as he cleared his throat. “I’m trying. I wish you could have stayed with us, but—”

  “The Old Mill is quaint, and you guys have your hands full. We’re just happy to have been invited.” Naomi’s voice trembled.

  The sentiment in the room was intense but not uncomfortable. Each word spoken meant something, as if the time had been etched into each syllable. Each touch was special as his parents put a physical hold back on their only child. They’d only been here for a little over an hour, and I could see a shift in Ryan’s light. His past was the spotlight tonight, but he relaxed in its glow.

  A light knock on the door broke the quiet. “That’s probably Cornelia.”

  Beth jumped up and nearly toppled over in her attempt to bolt to the front door.

  “I’ll get it. Don’t get up.” Ryan’s eyes locked on mine as he raised from his seat.

  “Red’s is a decent place?” Daniel took a seat next to his wife on the sofa.

  “It is…” I paused. “Well, it is now. Ryan really turned it around.”

  “What did I turn around?” Ryan asked as he offered me his hand.

  “The diner. You’re an amazing cook. That was fast,” I said as Cornelia and Beth walked into the room just behind him.

  “Beth beat me to the door.” His smile was lopsided, and my favorite dimple deepened in his right cheek. Ryan’s strong grip lifted me to my feet as if I was just a waif of a thing, not the balloon I’d blown up to be.

  “Who’s cooking tonight?”

  Ryan chuckled. “A kid Tony hired, but don’t worry, Dad. Tony will make sure everything’s okay.”

  Ryan and his parents started talking about Tony while I nodded my head in greeting to Cornelia. “There’s soup on the stove, and she can have one brownie. Thank you so much for doing this tonight.”

  “I’d do anything for you two.” She leaned in and whispered, “So how’s it going?”

  “Surprisingly well. I’ll give you the scoop tomorrow,” I whispered back.

  “Oh yeah, sorry. Dad… Mom… this is Cornelia.” Ryan’s voice broke through our private chat, and Cornelia smiled.

  “It’s nice to meet you.” Cornelia held out her hand in greeting. Ryan’s parents each took a turn saying hello. “You guys must be tired after such a long flight.”

  “It was worth every ache in my back.” Daniel laughed at his own joke and Naomi rolled her eyes, making me internally smile.

  When they first walked through our front door it was awkward, but once Ryan wrapped his mother up in a hug and tears were shed, the last decade fell from each of their cheeks in their own way. Daniel’s were silent and Naomi’s rushed like a river, but Ryan’s, they fell in a beautiful and hopeful cascade. He’d finally found a salvageable piece of his past that he could mold and form into his future.

  “Will you be home before I go to bed?” Beth’s bottom lip pouted, and I had to suppress my smile.

  “Probably not, Bee.”

  “It’s okay. We can watch a movie, it’ll be fun.” Cornelia took her hand. “If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to feed this little girl. It was nice to meet you both.”

  “Bye, Mom. Bye, Ryan.” Beth pulled away from Cornelia’s hold and hugged us.

  Ryan beamed as Beth tangled her tiny arms around his leg. He wasn’t paying attention in that moment to his parents, but I was. His mother’s eyes filled with tears again, and her smile shuddered as she watched her son. Daniel swallowed deeply, and pride lightened his brown eyes. I dropped my gaze to my daughter — our daughter — and watched as Ryan knelt down and pr
essed his forehead to hers.

  “Behave, Bee,” he spoke softly as he kissed her cheek. He stood again, and Beth ran off to the kitchen. “Ready, Maggie?” His hand enclosed around mine.

  “Yes.”

  “It’s the place just up the road from the Mill. But if you need to, just follow us,” Ryan instructed as we all moved to leave.

  We’d just walked through the front door, and as we made our way to our own vehicles, I heard his mom speak. It was so low, just barely a breath, but I heard it.

  “He’s happy, Dan.” The words were nearly inaudible, but the relief in each syllable — it blared through the quiet night.

  Ryan paused mid-step and pulled me close. His eyes searched mine for a brief second before he leaned down and whispered a response only meant for me, “I am.”

  His parents’ car roared to life, but like always, we’d found our own private paradise.

  His hands on my cheeks.

  My eyes on his mouth.

  His pulse under my palm ticked like a clock. The time constraints of the outside world held no power over my heart. It was only him and would forever be… just Ryan.

  Ten Years Later

  Thunder rolled off in the distance as the humid air gathered on my brow and trickled down the side of my face. The heat was damn oppressive, but coming here every summer was worth it. I got to visit Belle, and my kids got to see their grandparents. It helped that they lived so close to Disney World. This would be Beth’s last trip for a while. She’d graduated just last month and in the fall would start at NYU. Maggie and I couldn’t be more proud of our daughter. She worked hard for her art scholarship, and even though she’d outgrown her comic book creations, she was still amazing with a color pencil.

  Maggie’s laughter alerted me to her presence. She looked sexy in her short green summer dress as she walked down the grassy hill. She never exposed this much skin in Oakville; seeing her like this made me grin. The buzz of a mosquito brushed past my ear, and I raised my hand to swat at it.

  “You really hate this state, don’t you?” Maggie’s smirk pulled at the creases around her eyes, the only thing that showed she’d aged at all. Every year my beard got lighter, and every year, I swear, she stayed the same.

  “It’s this heat… I don’t know how the hell I grew up here.” My lips tipped down into a frown. “Where are the kids?”

  “In the truck. They wanted to finish their lunch. They’ll be down in a few minutes.” Maggie stood next to me and wrapped her arm around my waist. “Sorry we were late. Your mom insisted that Ry take your father’s fishing pole today. It’s in the truck.”

  “It’s okay.” I leaned down and kissed her on the top of her head.

  We always drove separately because I liked having a little time alone with Belle. It was just Birdie and me, and the rest of the world would fall away. Time moved too fast and, sometimes in the rush of life, I’d start to forget her giggle or her smile, and I’d panic. Maggie could always tell when I was struggling, but my darker periods had become less and less the longer we’d been married. She always reminded me that in the end, it didn’t matter what Birdie’s hair smelled like or how she sounded when I tickled her, it only mattered that I loved her enough to try… to try and remember those details. Maggie always said when I get back to Belle, see her again in death, that all that stuff won’t matter because I’ll have her back. She was always right about most things, but I’d never tell her. My lips tugged into a grin as the thought crossed my mind.

  The cemetery was small and quiet, just as I preferred. Belle’s grave wasn’t much, just a gray granite stone with Hartford embossed on its front. Just below the name a small dove was engraved on a brass placard with her birthdate and the date she died. I’d been coming here for the past nine years, but it didn’t make it any less hard. The ache in my throat constricted, and I felt my pulse behind my temples as I tried to stave off the wave of pain that always seemed to drag me under when I visited her.

  “Are you guys going to Lake Kissimmee?” Maggie’s question pulled me from my internal battle.

  “Yeah.”

  She dropped her hold on my waist and took my hand in hers. The warmth of her skin in this swelter didn’t bother me. “You okay?”

  I gave her a small smile, and she reached up on her tiptoes and kissed my cheek. “I am now.” I let my eyes find hers, find my center, my compass.

  “Dad!” Beth’s voice cut through the heavy silence.

  “Beth, wait for me,” Ry whined, and it made me chuckle.

  “Dad, Grandma told me to tell you to check the weather.” Beth’s eyes twinkled with mischief. She raised her arms and pulled her waist length hair into a ponytail, fastening it with the blue hair tie she always had around her wrist.

  “Geez, Beth, I was supposed to tell him.” Ry stomped his foot, and Beth rolled her eyes.

  “This isn’t the place for teasing, Beth, and you’re old enough to know better.” Maggie’s tone made Beth’s smile falter.

  Beth’s eyes found mine and were filled with repentance. I gave her a reassuring nod, and the corner of her mouth turned up in a smile.

  “We can still go, Dad, can’t we? Grandpa said don’t listen to Grandma.” Ry was wound up, and I had to wonder if he had Coke with his lunch. If so, this fishing trip would be interesting.

  “The storm looks like it will stay in the west for a little bit, so I think we’ll be okay.” I ruffled the top of his head with my hand, and he groaned. He was getting too old for it, but I still did it anyway.

  A reverent silence fell over our family as all of our eyes turned to Birdie. Sometimes, when we’d visited, we would have a moment to pray, or I’d tell them about something Belle had done, but today we each seemed to find solace within ourselves. Beth always hummed a nursery rhyme; today was no different. After a few minutes her soft voice started, and Maggie squeezed my hand. I heard her sniffle just as Beth finished, and when she looked up at me, I knew her blue eyes would be glassy.

  “It never gets any easier, does it?” I asked, and Maggie shook her head.

  “No.” The word was a tight croak.

  Dropping my hold on Maggie’s hand, I took my wallet out of my back pocket and opened it. My wallet had once only carried one picture, but now, it had four: Belle and I, Beth and I in front of the Hulk roller coaster here in Florida about five years back, and Ryan and I when he was born. The picture of him was almost identical to me and Birdie’s. The last picture I had was of Maggie, just Maggie, standing on the beach at Rialto, her smile bigger than the world. I’d taken it on one of our anniversaries. I sifted past the pictures and found the one I was looking for. Maggie had gotten the picture of Belle and I laminated so it wouldn’t spoil over time. I took a deep breath and let my eyes scan the surface of the photograph.

  “She looks just like you, Buzz.” I lifted my eyes and found Ry’s brown eyes staring back at me. He gave me a smile, and I ruffled his hair again, but this time he leaned into my other side.

  The air stood still with respect, and as Beth moved behind Ry and placed her hand on my shoulder, everything settled into place like it did… with us. Maggie took my hand again, and I held Belle’s picture with the other. Our little family was everything I’d ever wanted; it was a happiness I couldn’t have ever dreamed up, and because of Maggie, I was lucky enough to find this. She’d poured all this love inside of me. It was too much at times, and I feared my heart couldn’t handle it, but with Maggie’s love, I’d found strength. She had given me peace when she told me that even when it was time for me to go, I didn’t need to worry. She’d said I’d just be leaving this home for another. A home with Birdie.

  We all knew that at some point I’d get sick again, and Maggie and I decided to cross that bridge when we came to it. I was with my family, and I planned on living out every damn moment I could with them. My home with Belle could wait, so until then, coming here, having my feet hit Florida soil once a year, would have to suffice. Belle was in my heart; my time here was more
of a memorial and something I could do to honor her in this life.

  A loud rumble of thunder startled Maggie and made Beth giggle as Ry pulled away from my side. Maggie dropped my hand, and I placed Belle’s picture back in my wallet and put it in my pocket. I gently grabbed her wrist and pulled her in front of me. I needed her to steady me, to reign me in like only she could. Ry and Beth were used to my public displays, but as my hands rose to Maggie cheeks and her lips parted with anticipation, everything around me whited out. I brought my lips to her mouth and kissed her softly. The salt of her tears still lingered on her lips, and it almost obscured her sweet taste.

  “I think Ry and I are going to need therapy with how much you guys make out in front of us.” Beth’s sarcasm filtered through, and Maggie smiled against my lips before she pulled away.

  “Get in the car.” Maggie’s command was filled with humor as we all moved toward the vehicles.

  “Now you know how I felt when I caught you kissing that Ethan kid two weeks ago… well, not really, because I think I wanted to kill him.” I smirked when Beth’s eyes widened.

  “Dad! You saw?” Her cheeks turned red, and her mouth fell open.

  Maggie smacked me in the chest. “I thought I told you not to say anything.”

  “Oh my gosh! This is so embarrassing.” Beth’s hands rolled into fists.

  Ry was laughing, and Maggie narrowed her eyes.

  I shrugged my shoulders.

  “You’re in trouble.” Maggie pointed her finger at me as she took off up the hill after Beth.

  “You promise?” I chuckled, and Maggie turned and gave me a smirk as she walked backward.

  “You boys have fun.” The breeze picked up, and Maggie’s hair tangled around her shoulders and face. She moved the golden strands from her vision and shook her head, pointing her finger at me again. Her smile was stunning. “I’ll deal with you later.”

  “I hope so,” I spoke just loud enough so she could still hear me, and she bit the side of her bottom lip before she turned around again. “Ready to catch some fish?”