One Big Wacky Family

by Jackie French

  CHAPTER 19

  Uncle Gus’s Happy Magic

  ‘So that’s what happened,’ concluded Tom. He was sitting up in Fra’s tower with Fra and Uncle Gus and a big plate of banana sandwiches and a raspberry and pineapple milkshake, too, because Uncle Gus said he’d had a shock and needed to build up his strength.

  Fra shook her head, ‘I feel sorry for Grizella,’ she said. ‘Her mum probably has no time for her at all.’

  ‘My Mum and Dad work too,’ said Tom.

  ‘But they make time for you! They don’t mind you having noisy parties either! And anyway, you have Uncle Gus as well.’

  ‘And you,’ said Uncle Gus. He smiled at Fra.

  ‘Well, I found out why Grizella is so keen for me to take her to the dance. She says it’s because I’m the happiest kid in school. Or I used to be, anyway,’ added Tom, suddenly feeling gloomy again. There’d been half a dead fly in one of his banana sandwiches. He’d eaten the other half before he noticed. It looked like his bad luck was continuing.

  ‘But lots of people are happy!’ argued Uncle Gus. ‘Every family I work for is happy,’ he blinked. ‘Though of course they weren’t always happy,’ he conceded. ‘The Ambles were constantly arguing, and Mrs Kafoop’s leg used to hurt and Mr Zoranoster was bored all day…but they’re happy now.’

  Fra stared at him strangely. ‘Say all that again!’ she ordered.

  Uncle Gus blinked. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘About all the families you work for being happy! They weren’t happy once. But now they are!’

  ‘I don’t understand…’ began Uncle Gus.

  ‘Don’t you see?’ cried Fra, clapping her ghostly hands. ‘They were unhappy. Then you went to work for them. And now they’re happy!’

  Uncle Gus stared. ‘But I had nothing to do with it! I just stand in the front yard and look decorative. Oh sure, I do a little bit of magic, keep the bird doo off the washing line and the snails off the petunias. But I’ve never been any good at real magic. Not the sort of powerful magic you need to make people happy!’

  ‘How do you know?’ demanded Fra, grinning. ‘Some people, like Grizella’s mum, are good at all types of magic. But others can only do one sort.’

  ‘Like trolls protecting bridges,’ Tom pointed out excitedly. ‘And pilots making planes fly, and genies and magic carpets!’

  ‘You see!’ cried Fra. ‘Your magic talent is to make people happy!’

  Uncle Gus blinked. ‘Well, goodness me!’ He thought about it for a minute. ‘Maybe you’re right,’ he said slowly. ‘All my life everyone I’ve known has been happy. Even at school, I was in the happiest class the teachers had ever known!’ A grin slowly spread across

  his face. ‘I’m not a magic failure!’ he yelled. ‘I’m not just a garden gnome!’

  ‘No!’ cried Tom. ‘You’re the magicest, greatest garden gnome in the world!’

  Fra’s greeny-brown eyes gleamed in her shadowy white face. ‘You know what this means?’ she declared.

  ‘What?’ demanded Tom.

  ‘All we have to do is get Uncle Gus to Grizella’s and make Grizella and her mum happy. Then Grizella won’t need to go to the dance with you and her mum will take off the spell and you won’t have bad luck any more!’ she ended triumphantly.

  ‘Is that all?’ echoed Tom. But he was grinning too.

  Fra grinned her ghostly grin back at him. ‘Now the first stage of the plan,’ she informed him, ‘is to get Uncle Gus to school!’

  CHAPTER 20

  Uncle Gus Goes to School

  ‘Excuse me?’ Uncle Gus’s cheery, round face peered through the classroom door.

  ‘Yes?’ gurgled Dr Maniac, looking up from the blackboard. ‘He he he,’ he added.

  ‘My nephew Tom forgot his lunch.’ Uncle Gus held out the packet of sandwiches. ‘I hope you don’t mind my dropping them in to him.’

  ‘Of course not,’ gurgled Dr Maniac kindly.

  ‘Thank you!’ Uncle Gus beamed. He looked around the classroom. ‘Do you mind if I just sit and watch you all for a while? It reminds me of my own happy school days?’

  Tom held his breath. Would it work? This was the first part of the plan—to get Uncle Gus sitting in the classroom to make Grizella happy enough to agree to the next part of the plan.

  But would anyone, even a mad scientist, really believe someone actually wanted to come back to school?

  Dr Maniac smiled. And it was a happy smile, thought Tom in amazement, not a mad scientist grimace at all!

  ‘Of course!’ gurgled Dr Maniac. ‘Stay as long as you like! Now…’ Dr Maniac held up the rabbit they were trying to multiply by four. ‘What spell would you use to multiply this rabbit?’

  Grizella’s hand shot into the air. ‘Abra times four cadabra, sir!’

  Somehow, thought Tom, even Grizella didn’t sound as smug with Uncle Gus in the room.

  Suddenly Mog’s hand shot up too. ‘Me got another answer, sir! Big, better answer!’

  ‘Yes, Mog?’ gurgled Dr Maniac. ‘You put in another rabbit, sir. They do multiplying for you.’

  Dr Maniac stared. His eyes grew wider. Then his mouth opened and he began to laugh.

  It wasn’t insane laughter this time. It wasn’t mad gurgling or even manic giggling. It was just laughter, loud and happy. ‘Well done, Mog!’ he called. ‘That’s the best answer I have ever heard! We’ll just add another bunny!’

  Now the whole class was laughing. They weren’t laughing at Mog. They weren’t even really laughing at the expression on the rabbit’s face. They were just…happy, thought Tom. Really, really happy. And when you thought about it, Tom decided, school was a pretty happy place to be. Or it was today.

  The afternoon zapped by, as though someone had put a spell on it. As soon as school finished Tom raced outside. ‘Ready?’ he hissed.

  ‘Ready,’ said Uncle Gus.

  ‘Ready!’ boomed Mog, as Grizella walked past them.

  ‘Excuse me, Grizella,’ Tom said politely.

  ‘What do you want?’ asked Grizella. But she didn’t sound as rude as she had yesterday, more like she was curious. She didn’t even call him zombie zits.

  ‘I just wondered, well, this is my Uncle Gus. He’s a garden gnome.’

  ‘I can see that,’ said Grizella with a touch of impatience, glancing at Uncle Gus’s little red jacket, baggy blue trousers and long yellow slippers.

  ‘Hello Grizella,’ said Uncle Gus kindly.

  ‘Well, Uncle Gus wondered if your mum might employ him. He doesn’t have any clients on Fridays and…and…could you give us a lift on your magic carpet so that Uncle Gus could ask your mum?’

  For a moment Tom thought Grizella was going to snap ‘No!’ without even thinking about it. But all she said was, ‘We don’t have a garden.’

  ‘I could sit by your moat and fish,’ offered Uncle Gus. ‘It’s very peaceful to have a gnome fishing in your moat. And I could keep the mosquitoes away, too.’

  ‘My mum keeps mosquitoes away. She’s The Most Powerful Witch in the World,’ said Grizella.

  ‘I know,’ said Uncle Gus, sounding impressed. ‘But even The Most Powerful Witch in the World might like to have a part-time garden gnome.’

  Grizella hesitated. ‘My mum doesn’t like to be disturbed,’ she said finally.

  ‘I won’t disturb her,’ said Uncle Gus gently. ‘Maybe a part-time garden gnome is just the relaxation she needs.’

  ‘Maybe.’ Grizella still sounded doubtful. She bit her lip and thought for a moment. ‘All right,’ she said at last. ‘But if my mum gets angry and turns you both into slugs don’t blame me.’

  Tom shuddered. But Uncle Gus just looked at Grizella sympathetically. ‘We won’t blame you, child,’ he said quietly. ‘If she turns us into slugs, or slimeballs or even warty toads, it won’t be your fault. Come on, let’s go.’

  CHAPTER 21

  More Magic Than Meets the Eye

  It was even more crowded on the magic carpet this time with Uncle Gus, t
he genie, Tom and Grizella. The carpet swayed as it took off, and only just cleared the top of the netball hoop before finally zooming up, between the waiting broomsticks and dragons, into the sky.

  This definitely was a very powerful magic carpet, thought Tom. But how could you enjoy a ride on a magic carpet when The Most Powerful Witch in the World might turn you into a slug at the end?

  Still, it was fun up here, thought Tom. It was impossible not to be happy with the wind in your hair and the dragons gurgling in terror as you zoomed above them. He caught Grizella’s eye and grinned at her before he realised what he was doing. To his surprise she grinned back.

  ‘You’re lucky!’ he yelled above the noise of the wind and the dragons trying to get out of their way. ‘Riding home on this every afternoon!’

  Grizella’s eyes were shining. ‘I’d forgotten how much fun it is,’ she shouted back. ‘You forget to notice when you do things every day!’

  Now the mountain was below them, and the castle too. The carpet zoomed down and landed on the stone battlements where it had done the day before.

  Zing! The genie vanished in another of his tasteless displays of coloured smoke. The others scrambled to their feet.

  Uncle Gus looked around. ‘Nice place you have here,’ he said, but the clichéd words sounded really sincere. ‘It’s an incredible view.’

  ‘I suppose it is,’ agreed Grizella, as though she’d forgotten to look at the view as well.

  ‘I don’t suppose we could see the moat…’ Uncle Gus began, when suddenly without warning, or coloured smoke or zinging noises, The Most Powerful Witch in the World was upon them, staring at them with a stony glare.

  ‘I felt magic,’ she said shortly. She looked Uncle Gus up and down, or rather down and down as he was even

  shorter than she was. ‘Your magic,’ she added looking at Uncle Gus.

  ‘Yes,’ said Uncle Gus, ‘I apologise for disturbing you. But as you see I’m a garden gnome and I wondered if you may have any need for one? Maybe on Fridays?’ he added hopefully.

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World snorted. ‘Why would I want a garden gnome?’ she demanded. ‘I can do any garden magic we need around here in between two blinks of an eyelash. Anyway, we don’t have a garden.’

  ‘I could dangle my fishing rod in your moat,’ said Uncle Gus coaxingly. ‘It’s very peaceful having a garden gnome around.’

  ‘I don’t want…’ began The Most Powerful Witch in the World. Suddenly she stopped and looked at Uncle Gus more closely. ‘There’s more magic going on here than I thought,’ she said finally. ‘Just what sort of a garden gnome are you?’

  Uncle Gus met her eyes. Then he sighed, ‘I should have known we couldn’t fool The Most Powerful Witch in the World.’

  ‘No,’ said The Most Powerful Witch in the World shortly. ‘You can’t. Come on. Let’s get to the bottom of this.’

  CHAPTER 22

  A Little Bit of Magic Happiness

  All at once the stone battlements vanished. Tom gazed around, half expecting that he and Uncle Gus had been tossed into the castle dungeons, with maybe a torture chamber, or at least rats to bite their toes.

  Instead they were in a normal living room. Well, normal if you counted a view across half the world as normal, Tom thought, gazing out the giant window, and with carpet thick as grass and soft as a ghost’s whisper.

  I wish Fra could see this, he thought suddenly. Fra loves beautiful things. I wish Fra could see something more than the bit of road and houses she can see from the window of her tower.

  The sofas were massive, the size of a hippopotamus and just as fat, and there were brilliant paintings on the wall that seemed to change as you looked at them, so you realised they weren’t paintings at all, but slices of real life from other worlds.

  Suddenly trays of drinks appeared and plates of chocolate chip biscuits hovered in the air beside the sofas.

  Tom took a choc chip biscuit and bit into it carefully.

  They were real chocolate chips too, not bat droppings. He took a deep breath. Maybe everything was going to be all right.

  He glanced at Grizella, sitting next to him on the sofa. She looked amazed. ‘Mum has never done anything like this before!’ she whispered. ‘She always says visitors are a waste of time.’

  ‘Well?’ demanded The Most Powerful Witch in the World. ‘Exactly what magic are you doing here?’ Grizella’s mum sounded like she still suspected visitors were a waste of time.

  Uncle Gus blushed (the blush clashed with his little red jacket). ‘I only realised I was doing extra magic yesterday,’ he confessed. ‘It was Tom’s friend Fra who discovered it. You see, all my life I thought I was the magical dunce of the family. The only magic I was good at was keeping away a few mosquitoes, or earwigs off the roses. But then yesterday I realised—I make people happy.’

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World frowned. ‘Making people happy is not small magic.’

  ‘I know,’ said Uncle Gus humbly. ‘But it seems I’ve been doing it for years without realising.’

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World concentrated for a moment. Then she nodded. ‘You’re quite right,’ she said. ‘That is exactly what you are

  doing. You’re magicking a sort of invisible happy smoke all around you. But why do you think we need a happy-making garden gnome?’ She glared at him. ‘I am quite powerful enough to make us all the happiness we need.’

  ‘Are you?’ asked Uncle Gus gently.

  The silence grew. It was an uncomfortable silence, thought Tom, as though it might burst if you pricked it with a pin. Then finally The Most Powerful Witch in the World replied in a strange voice, ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Are you happy?’ asked Uncle Gus softly. ‘Is your daughter happy?’

  ‘Of course she’s happy!’ snorted The Most Powerful Witch in the World. ‘She has everything she could possibly want. She only has to say she’d like something and I magick it up for her. In fact I’ve programmed a magic spell so she doesn’t even have to ask me for small things—she just has to wish for it to happen. That way she doesn’t have to interrupt me at my work for trivial things like pet baboons and answers to her homework.’

  ‘Do you have a pet baboon?’ whispered Tom, fascinated.

  Grizella nodded. She still stared at her mum.

  ‘And you?’ asked Uncle Gus, even more softly. ‘Are you happy?’

  ‘Me? I don’t have time to be happy!’ declared The Most Powerful Witch in the World. ‘Do you know how much work it takes to keep being The Most Powerful Witch in the World? How many upstarts want to take my title from me?’

  ‘Would it be so very, very bad just to be second best? Or even third?’ You could hardly hear Uncle Gus’s voice at all now.

  ‘I…’ began The Most Powerful Witch in the World. Then she stopped. ‘Do you really think I’d be happier if I were just The Second Most Powerful Witch in the World?’ she asked at last.

  ‘I think you might have time to find out how to be happy,’ said Uncle Gus.

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World gazed at Grizella. ‘And my daughter?’

  ‘Sometimes kids need more than pet baboons,’ said Uncle Gus.

  ‘Though a pet baboon would be great if there are any spare,’ added Tom hopefully. He’d always longed for a pet baboon.

  ‘Very well!’ Suddenly The Most Powerful Witch in the World sat up even straighter. ‘Let’s try being…’ she hesitated, ‘happy. We’ll see if it works! What do you suggest, Mr Garden Gnome?’

  ‘Well,’ said Uncle Gus, ‘I usually try fishing.’

  CHAPTER 23

  A Happy Witch

  It was cold on the bum sitting on the stone wall above the castle moat till The Most Powerful Witch in the World magicked up some well-stuffed armchairs that dangled in mid-air above the water. She magicked up fishing lines for all of them, too.

  ‘What about fish?’ she demanded of Uncle Gus. ‘There are no fish in the moat. Which do you suggest? Piranhas? Baby s
harks? Roritanian hairy fish?’

  Uncle Gus shook his head. ‘You don’t need fish to go fishing,’ he said. ‘We just sit here in the sunlight or the shade if it’s a hot day. And we talk a bit and think a bit, then maybe talk again.’

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World blinked. ‘And that makes you happy?’

  ‘Actually just about anything can make you happy,’ said Uncle Gus.

  ‘Except eating bat-dropping muffins, or being washed down a sewer with brown bobbing things, or having a sabre-toothed tiger sit on your face,’ said Tom.

  ‘Well, most things can make you happy,’ corrected Uncle Gus. ‘But I like fishing.’

  They sat dangling their lines for a while.

  ‘This is silly,’ said The Most Powerful Witch in the World. ‘A complete waste of time. I haven’t bothered fishing since I was a girl. That was with Pop, oh, he was an old wizard then. He’d hold my line as well as his when I got bored with fishing and ran off to play. But when he caught a fish he always said it was my line that had caught it.’

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World smiled. ‘I haven’t thought about Pop for ages. Or Nanna either. Nanna’s hobby was breeding polar bears. It was the only magic she was really good at, but you should have seen her with polar bears…’

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World blinked. ‘I’m smiling! I’m happy,’ she breathed. She stared at Uncle Gus. ‘It’s just your magic,’ she accused.

  ‘Well, a bit,’ said Uncle Gus. ‘But mostly it’s just you and happy memories. And making happy memories for your daughter, too.’

  The Most Powerful Witch in the World glanced at Grizella. ‘Are you happy?’ she asked. For the first time she sounded a bit uncertain.