Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  Dr. Taylor strokes her chin and nods her head. “Sophia there’s nothing wrong with being friends. You just got out of a relationship and you need to give yourself time to heal from Kyle. In order to maintain and build a healthy relationship, you need to help yourself first. Are you still writing?”

  “Every night.”

  “Good Sophia. Don’t stop writing. Remember, the key components of a healthy and long lasting relationship is trust, communication and love. You have to let Adam in all the way if you want this to work. It’s going to take time Sophia but don’t’ rush it.” I relax my shoulders. She’s right. I love him but I need to make sure I’m ready before I get in a relationship with Adam; if that happens. I know Dr. Taylor is trying to give me different points of view and she wants what’s best for me. I want that too. “You have to let go of the past before you can move on with your future. Stop blaming yourself for things you can’t control. It’s going to take time but be patient. I know you can do this Sophia.”

  “

  Thanks Dr. Taylor that means so much to me. I want to believe everything you’re telling me. I do feel better and stronger. I don’t feel ugly anymore.”

  Dr. Taylor starts writing in her notepad, “I am so proud of you Sophia. Now let’s focus on what you’ll need to do in order to continue feeling this way.”

  “Well I don’t know.” I raise my eyebrow to her. What is she getting at? The question seems too easy to answer. “I don’t know I mean I guess just making sure I talk about my feelings and stay away from questionable situations.” Dr. Taylor doesn’t respond. She keeps looking at me waiting for me to say more. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”

  “I need you to realize it’s not going to be easy Sophia. You have to take steps to ensure maintain control of your life. Let go of the anchor that’s holding you down so you can swim to the surface and be above the water.”

  I slide down on the sofa and look down again. I hate when she’s always right. I don’t know what to say to her. The weight I feel is preventing me from being happy and I know I need to let that go. It scares me to think that I can be happy. I haven’t been happy in so long. This is my time! “I understand what you’re saying.”

  “It’s very important that you realize what triggers your fears and angers. Don’t shut down. Instead, walk away from the situation and write. You know my door is always open. Talking about how you feel will help you as well.”

  Oh well that does make sense. “You’re right. I don’t know. I just don’t want anything to pass me by you know?”

  “Of course dear but time will tell. Just enjoy the moment. Now tell me how you’re feeling now.”

  I smile. How am I feeling? I feel happy. “I feel great Doc. Adam has been wonderful and it feels good to have him back in my life.” And that’s the truth. Having everything in place seems to be perfect. I’m letting go of Kyle and I’m not blaming myself anymore for what happened between us. It’s not my fault. He did this to me. Dr. Taylor doesn’t say anything. She watches me. Studies me. “Doc have you ever felt like you were flying? Or just on cloud nine?”

  “Is that how you’re feeling?”

  “Yeah. I really am happy and I don’t want to do anything to mess it up.”

  Dr. Taylor frowns. “Sophia why would you think that?”

  “I don’t know. I always seem to mess up something.”

  “I see. Well you’re feelings are understandable and I see where you’re coming from. Try and see everything you’ve accomplished. You are a much happier and brighter person since the first time we met. You are more in control of your life and feelings.” I listen to what she’s saying. She’s right. When we first met, I called her a bitch and told her to leave me alone but she broke down my walls. I am who I am with her help.

  Dr. Taylor and I talk about steps I need to take in order to stay happy and confident. She emphasizes not to rush anything and to not make any rash decisions that I agree with. The rest of the session goes by quickly and I thank her for a great talk before I leave.

  I am not sure what I want to do after meeting with Dr. Taylor so I go to my favorite place; the bench under the tree. It feels peaceful sitting here as I think about the last few days. I breathe in the afternoon air and feel all of my stress evaporate from my body. I take out my phone and call Sarah:

  “Hey baby sister!”

  “Hi, am I bothering you?” I ask.

  “Nope you’re good. What is up? Excited to come home soon?”

  Ahhh! Christmas break. I was happy to be going home and spend time with my family, “Of course, but I need some advice.”

  “Sure babe, what is up?”

  I end up telling Sarah almost everything that happened between Kyle and me. I tell her about the fights and his insults. I explain our last encounter and how Adam came to the rescue. I leave out the parts where he has been hitting me and feel guilty, but I don’t want to drag her into my mess. There is silence on Sarah’s end, “You still there?”

  “What did that little weasel do to you again? I’m going to kill him Soph. You better keep him away from me!”

  “Sarah it is ok, I promise.” I try and make myself believe that everything is going to be alright. A part of me is scared and I’m trying hard not to think about what Kyle is capable of doing. “I have Adam, Connor and Erin, please don’t worry.”

  “Sophia I just want you to be safe and happy.” I know that she is worried about me but I need to let her know everything is ok.

  I sigh, “I know Sarah, but everything will be ok, I promise. I have to get going, but we will talk later.”

  “I love you Soph,” Sarah sweetly says.

  “I love you too.” We end the call and I just sit on the bench a little while longer. I look up to the sky and close my eyes. I think about my mom and what advice she would give me in this situation. I know she would want me to be with Adam, but love takes time. All I can do now is hope it will work out in the end for us.

  When I get back to my dorm, there are flowers all over. I can’t believe what I’m seeing. There are lilies and roses all over. I pull the envelope that’s taped on my door and open it. A note from Kyle:

  Sophia,

  I cannot tell you how sorry I am for what happened. Babe, I didn’t mean it and I will do anything and everything to make it up to you. Please forgive me and know that I would do anything just to see you smile. Please come back to me. I can’t live without you and I want you back. If you come back to me, I promise I will make you feel special every day. Give me another chance babe.

  I love you forever,

  K

  I feel nothing when I read his note. It is bullshit. Kyle isn’t sorry, nor does he care. I don’t believe anything he wrote and it doesn’t matter. He can’t buy my forgiveness and I know what he’s trying to do. I take out my keys and open my door. Before I could close the door, I feel someone’s hand on my shoulder. Shit, Kyle. I turn around and he looks terrible. There are dark black circles under his eyes. His hair is oily and messy. He’s staring at me with his bloodshot eyes. I try and push him away but he fights me back.

  “Kyle, GET OUT!” I yell.

  Kyle lifts his head and looks at me. “Sophia stop please. We need to talk.” I push him away. I need space. He looks at me with a wounded expression. “Sophia I am so sorry.” My body is shaking. My head is spinning. I feel sweat coming down. I have to be strong. I can do this. I keep thinking about how I’m not the victim and I am a survivor.

  He doesn’t stop walking towards me. I place my hand on his chest and push him again. This time he stumbles into the hall. The pathetic look in his eyes makes me sick. He grabs my hand and starts to cry. “Please forgive me. You know I love you. This isn’t me. I’m just under a lot of stress and had too much to drink the other night. Please tell me you’re still my girl?” He reaches his hand out to me.

  “Are you serious Kyle? You make me sick! We’re done so please leave me alone!” I look him in the eyes and I want him to know I’m serio
us. I will not back down from him.

  I can see the anger spreading across his face but I don’t care. He needs to know that I’m done and there’s nothing he can say or do to get me back. All of a sudden, he comes towards me. He pushes me against the wall and I don’t know what to do. I start screaming for help. “No one can save you now Sophia.”

  Suddenly Adam grabs Kyle’s shoulders and pushes him down to the floor. “Harrington, I told you to leave her the fuck alone.” Adam says as he gets on top of Kyle and starts punching him.

  Immediately I run over and try to pull Adam off him. “Adam stop! It’s not worth it! Please let it go!” I’m crying and wish that this would all stop. Adam stops punching Kyle and gets off of him. He pulls me into his arms and looks back down at Kyle.

  “This is the last time we do this Harrington understand?” He pulls me closer and I start to feel calmer. Kyle gets up and wipes the blood from his mouth. He looks at both of us and leaves without saying anything. Adam looks at me and I fall into his arms and cry. “I’m so sorry Adam.” I sob.

  He strokes my back and kisses me on my head. “Pretty girl you have nothing to be sorry about. I told you that I’ll be here for you. No one will hurt you.” His voice is what I need. I feel better. I feel safe with him. The warmth of his touch calms me down.

  “Thanks for being there whenever I need you.” I bring his face down to mine and kiss him on his cheek. I see his smile and I start blushing.

  He holds me out in front of him, “How about we grab some dinner?”

  I wipe the tears from my eyes. Dinner does sound good. I want to be away from my room. I need to feel like me again. “Sure, dinner sounds good.”

  Adam puts his arm around me as we take the elevator down and head out.

  We end up at Lobster Hut and are seated in a booth. He’s sitting in front of me and I can’t help but look into his beautiful eyes. I want him to know how happy he makes me but I don’t want to scare him away. I want him to know how thankful I am that he’s always there when I need him. He’s always saving me.

  The restaurant is extremely busy and noisy but we were both craving seafood. We order a pitcher of beer and calamari. It feels good being here with Adam-just us. “Do you remember the time when we were fourteen and we had the freshmen dance?” Adam says throwing his head back laughing.

  I start laughing out loud and know exactly what he is talking about. Gina Casey had the biggest crush on him and stalked him all night during the dance. Being the most amazing friend, I took it upon myself and walked up to Gina to break the news to her. “Oh… my… God! Please don’t remind me!”

  He points at me, “You made her cry, Soph! I just told you to tell her to leave me alone, but you went all crazy on her.”

  I cover my face with my hands and shake my head. “I know! I felt so bad. How was I supposed to know that calling her crazy would make her cry?”

  We both laugh while walking down memory lane. I’m surprised by everything he remembers and it makes me smile that he still carries those memories of us. We both decide on sharing the captain’s gold platter which has an array of shrimp, clams, scallops, lobster and crab legs. When the food comes out we start eating. I pick up a piece of shrimp with my fork and feed it to Adam. He grabs the food off of my fork and makes the most ridiculous expression as he eats.

  “You’re so gross!” I throw a piece of scallop at him and he catches it with his mouth.

  “Talent right there, Soph.” That sexy wink he gives me makes me melt.

  “You’re so immature,” I laugh.

  Adam takes my head and looks at me, “I’m glad we’re having dinner together.”

  I turn my head away not wanting him to see me blush, “Me too.”

  We finish up the rest of our dinner and decline on dessert since we are both full. When the check comes, Adam quickly snatches it and gives his credit card to the waitress. I sit there with my arms crossed and stare at him. “What?” He raises his eyebrow at me.

  “You didn’t have to pay Adam!” I’m a little annoyed because I didn’t want him feeling like he had to take care of me.

  Adam rolls his eyes at me. “Stop being a girl. I wanted to pay and I don’t mind.”

  I roll my eyes back at him. “Well, you didn’t have to do that, but thank you.”

  After Adam signs the credit card slip, he takes my hand and we walk out of the restaurant. His fingers wrap with mine as we walk back to campus. I love being with him. Things, so far, are coming along so well and I can tell Adam’s happy. My feelings for him grow with every second and I want more than just friendship from him. But I don’t want to rush anything. I want him to know how I feel and that I do love him. I can’t tell how our story will play out. All I hope is it’ll give us a happily ever after. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost him again. I see his body tense and the sag of his shoulders. “What is wrong?”

  He turns his head, “Nothing pretty girl. Why do you ask?”

  “I don’t know. You just seem so distant from me. What is playing in your mind?”

  He stops walking and I turn to look at him. His dark hair falls to one side of his face. He is so beautiful and I want to wrap my arms around him. I have the instant need to kiss him and feel his lips on mine. Those soft lips stare back at me. I inch closer to him and press my hand on his chest. I hear his breathing get deeper as I slowly look up in his eyes. I can see desire in his eyes as I lift up my hand to his cheek. He doesn’t stop me. I feel his hand on my lower back and his other hand on my cheek. We look at each other and unhurriedly our lips meet in a gentle kiss. He tastes like heaven and I don’t want him to stop kissing me. I part my lips and let his tongue explore my mouth. We play a little dance and the kiss becomes urgent and full of want. For a moment I forget where I am and get lost in his kiss. This feels amazing and I don’t want him to stop. I slowly pull away from him as I hear his breathing. “Wow.”

  He smiles and kisses me on the forehead. “Pretty girl, would it freak you out if I told you I’ve been waiting for that kiss my whole life?”

  I gasp at his honesty. “No,” I start to say, “Because I’ve been waiting for that kiss my whole life too.” I pull him back down to my lips as we kiss again.

  Chapter 8

  The next few days are perfect. Adam and I spend time together and I feel our love growing. The memories of us haunt me and I try to shut them out so I can live in the now but it’s hard. There’s so much that we need to talk about but I don’t know how to bring it up and a part of me wants him to say something. There’s no denying our feelings for one another but neither of us have admit our feeling. Every time we hang out with Erin and Connor, they’d make their comments that we should just get together already. I smile and laugh but Adam doesn’t say anything. It makes me wonder how he truly feels. We share more moments of passion and I love when his lips touch mine. I want his kiss to be my last.

  He took me out to dinner a few more nights and surprised me with ice cream while I was in the library studying more about Optimax. The sweet little gestures mean so much to me and it feels good to know how much he cares about me. I’m thankful that I’m not afraid anymore to be around him and with each day, I feel closer than ever to him.

  A few days before Christmas break, Adam asked me if I wanted to ride back home with him and Connor. As much as I wanted to say yes, I told him I preferred to drive so that I would have my car at home and was looking forward to some time to think. He laughed and didn’t push the subject any further. It is Sunday night as I change into my shorts and tank top before climbing into bed. I haven’t seen much of Erin since she has been busy with finishing up her assignments and spending time with Connor. I’m happy for my friends and can tell they really like one another. I am not sure what is holding them back and I don’t ask, because I know Erin would turn around and ask me the same question about Adam. I smile to myself as I snuggle under my covers. I lie here for a minute or so then take out my phone and send a text to Adam.

  Me: Jus
t wanted to say good night.

  I turn on my TV and flip through the channels trying to find something to watch. I finally settle on “A Walk to Remember”. After about an hour, I look at my phone again and don’t see anything from Adam. I get a little sad and wonder what he is doing. I turn my head back to the TV and watch as Landon dismisses Jamie in front of his friends. “What an asshole,” I say to myself.

  Suddenly there is a knock on the door and I get up wondering who it is. The knock becomes more urgent. I freeze. I can’t seem to open the door. What if it is Kyle? I look around my room to find a bat or anything! I can do this. I reach for the door and turn the door knob. When I open it, I see Adam standing there with a bag of food. I let out a deep sigh. Thank goodness it is not Kyle.