Reaching Out For You (Never Letting Go)

by S. Moose

  “Sophia, I know that I’ve been going crazy but you don’t get it. I cannot lose you again, please just leave it at that. Do you know how broken I was when I found you in that bathroom? I thought you were dead baby.” He comes up to me and brings me in his arms. “You need to realize how much I love you and what I am willing to do to keep you safe. You are my world. The love I have for you grows every second. You are all I think about on a daily basis. I want a future with you and for that to happen, you need to be safe. I will move Heaven and Earth just to ensure you will never feel pain. I need you to be safe so that we can have a life together. You’ve changed my life since the day I saw you in class.” He reaches down and strokes my cheek. “I remember that smile, which was the same smile I fell in love with when we were younger. You were wearing jeans, a pink shirt and a white cardigan. You had your hair curled and seeing you again made me realize how much I needed you back in my life. You complete me baby. You’re it for me.”

  All of this is too overwhelming and I can’t handle it. I hate that Adam has to spend extra money to keep me safe when there is no immediate danger. His words are like daggers to my body. “Adam, I’m sorry but I feel like you’re suffocating me.” There I said it. I knew my words would hurt him but I hate the feeling of being trapped.

  His eyes are full of fear and panic. “Sophia, this is why I never came back! You’re so selfish!” I step back from him. I know he is upset, but those venomous words! Doesn’t he know how much it hurts to hear that? I feel like each step we take, something happens and pushes us back to square one. Maybe we aren’t meant to be together. “You won’t let anyone take care of you and you can’t see what is right in front of you!”

  I cover my mouth and my eyes are wide open. I bite my tongue because I know he is right, but I’m not that patient. I place my hands on my hips and narrow my eyes at him. “Adam Simpson, don’t you dare take that tone with me! Do you know who you are talking to? I am not one of your friends! You cannot just spit those ugly words at me.” I take in a deep breath and let it out. I can feel my body trembling. This is too much to handle. I go back to the bed and sit down with my head hanging low. “I know I’m all sorts of fucked up Adam… alright? You don’t have to remind me.” I start to cry. “You never saved me! Did you know I saved you the night you hit that tree? I was reaching out for you and needed you like never before.” My shaky voice quickly turns into sobs. “I needed you Adam but you weren’t there. I cried every single day. I do want to be with you but you will see me for who I really am and then you will leave. I don’t think I can handle that.”

  “Well, I’m here now Sophia and I am not going anywhere.” He places his hands on my knees and kneels in front of me. I see his powerful gaze on me. “I know I hurt you before, but I promise you I will never do that again.” He places his forehead against mine and I can feel his heart beating. The way he feels for me is so strong and apparent but for some reason I am scared. “I need you like I never needed anything else. You are my life, can’t you see that?”

  I hold him and close my eyes. This isn’t how our life should be. The fighting and paranoia is driving me crazy. “I don’t want to leave you but I can’t live like this. You have to trust my instincts and me. I will be fine.” I feel myself becoming angrier and sad. I don’t want to leave, but if I don’t, I know I will grow to resent him.

  Adams walks back to the window with his arms crossed. “Unacceptable Soph, I need you to be safe.”

  I feel a sharp pain in my heart. I understand everything he is telling me, but this whole ‘control act’ is too much. My whole body starts to tremble with sadness. My head is spinning and I can feel the knots forming in my stomach. I know I have to get away just for a little bit. I need to regain myself and to compose my thoughts. Being with Adam is a dream come true; but not this way. I want to be with him, spend time with him, and go to work with him. I want the whole package not just a little. I pick up my purse and start to head out. “Adam, I love you but I can’t live like this. I just need a few days apart from you. This is too much for me to handle. I hope you can understand and forgive me.”

  “Sophia, wait please. I just got you back and you are leaving me again. What did I do wrong?” His pleading voice breaks me but I know I have to leave. I storm out of the room and out of the apartment. I race down the stairs and can hear Adam’s voice in the distance. I get to the garage and run to my car. I have to get out of here. When I get in, I put the car in drive and head back home. The lump in my throat starts to come up and I start sobbing. Am I doing the right thing? I want to get out of my car and run back to him. Back in those loving arms and tell him I am sorry, but I just cannot bring myself to do that. I need space to recollect my thoughts and feelings. I hope I am doing the right thing but why does it feel so wrong? Why can’t I just accept someone loving me and is truly trying to keep me safe? Will Adam still be waiting for me when I come back? I don’t understand why I can’t accept Adam and his love. Am I doomed to be alone for the rest of my life?

  The house is empty by the time I get home. My dad is out of town for the next few weeks and Sarah is probably at work. I climb the stairs to my old room and crawl into bed. Right as my head hits my pillow I start crying. The tears fall from my eyes and I clench my pillow tightly. Why did I leave? I look over and see a picture of Adam and I back when we were happy. There is no Kyle, no fear of getting hurt- just the two of us. I pick up the picture frame and hold it to my heart. I am selfish. I pushed away the best thing that ever happened to me. I look at the picture and touch Adam’s face, his smile, his eyes. Everything about him, burned in my memory. I clench the frame tighter.

  The pain is agonizing. I cannot breathe. It is so hard to think about what just happened. I kick myself for doing this to him. I throw the frame against the wall and start sobbing. I run to my closet and start throwing everything on the floor. My legs fail me and I fall to the floor in the fetal position. I hold myself and close my eyes but all I see is the darkness. I feel my heart shattering into pieces. It is as though someone has reached into my chest and is pulling my heart out. I know there is no one to blame but myself. Who will love me now?

  Chapter 19

  Only three days went by, but it felt as though a million years passed. The pain is unbearable; I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I cry myself to sleep and hug my pillow imagining that I am holding Adam. I am so alone. I broke all my promises to him. I am not sleeping through the night. I wake up sweating because of nightmares or a feeling that someone is watching me. I keep the alarm on at night. This feeling of helplessness is too much for me and taking over my life. I hate to be alone but I am too ashamed to call anyone to apologize.

  Each morning, I wake up without the feel of his arms around me. I turn over and imagine Adam sleeping next to me, but the ache in my heart grows and I realize he is not there. All I do is cry. I remember all the plans we made and how he opened his heart to me. I know that Adam is the one for me. He was trying to save me and to protect me from the world, but I was too blind to see that. What if it is too late, what if he won’t take me back again?

  Every time I close my eyes, I see him standing there with his glorious smile, waiting for me to jump in his arms so he can sweep me off my feet and take me away. I’m back in the dark and the shadows all around me are telling me how much of an idiot I am. I love him but why do I treat him so horribly? I thought time away from him would make me feel better, but I am full of regret. I did not mean to hurt him. I didn’t mean to be the cause of everyone’s pain, including my Adam. I know what I did was stupid, but what else am I suppose to do? How can I live my life like that?

  I get up a few times to try to eat, but nothing tastes good. I look at myself in the mirror and hate what I see. My hair is messy and my clothes are too big on me. I have lost five pounds and very pale. A part of me died when I left Adam and everyone behind. I don’t know who I am anymore. Dr. Taylor called me a few times and left me voice messages. I know she is worried an
d disappointed in me. All the work we did over the last few years is gone. Gone like everyone else in my life.

  During the day, I will try and watch TV or listen to music. I take out all the pictures that my dad kept while we were growing up, and will look through them. I set the pictures of Adam, Connor and me aside and remember how life was before all the craziness happened. Life was beautiful back then. I had everything I could ever want and there was no darkness or sadness.

  The next morning, I find myself reaching over to see if Adam is there but then I remember, it is just me in the house by myself. Today is going to drag on, I keep thinking about just caving in, and calling Adam but I can’t bring myself to do even that. I know my love for him is still there. I wonder if he still feels the same way. I have to call him…I have to do something. My heart is crying for him… for us. When you love someone, you shouldn’t treat them bad, but I did. I close my eyes again and imagine Adam getting ready for work. The way he takes forever to fix his tie or his morning pep talks. I am a fool, simple as that. I get out of bed and try to get ready for the day.

  After taking a shower, I make my way down to the kitchen and make breakfast. I take out some eggs and sausage from the freezer and start cooking. I am on autopilot; it is a surprise I don’t burn down the house. Before I can sit down and eat, the doorbell rings and I don’t feel like getting up. I figure I will let it go since I’m in no condition to talk to anyone. The doorbell keeps ringing. “Who the hell is at the door,” I mumble to myself. I quickly get up and answer the door. “Can I help you?”

  The deliveryman is standing there with a huge package and a clipboard. “Good morning ma’am, if you could sign here that will be great.” He hands me the clipboard and I sign on the dotted line. “Thank you kindly.” He hands me the package and waves goodbye. I shut the door and put the package down. I didn’t think anyone would send me anything and I’m curious to find out what is inside. I tear the tape off the box and open it. Inside, there is an album full of pictures, a teddy bear and a card. I take the album out to look inside and am shocked to see pictures of Kyle and me during our time together. There are pictures of us from California when we went to visit his parents, pictures of us on the beach and in the car. I touch each one and cringe. I drop the album and cover my mouth. He knows I’m here at my dad’s house. How is this possible? I bend down and take the card out. I quickly remove the card from the envelope and read what it says:

  Babe,

  I know that I did some shitty things to you and I’m sorry. I can’t live without you. Don’t you know how much you mean to me? I haven’t been able to do anything and I just need you back in my life. I know that I can be the man you want me to be. Please come back to me. I can’t go on without you. I promise that when you come back I will treat you so good. So right. Give me this chance to prove to you that I can make you happy. I’ll be waiting…Forever.

  Always yours,

  K

  I drop the letter on the floor and back away from his gifts. I don’t know how he knows I’m here. I start looking around the house to make sure all the doors and windows are locked. I run back upstairs to get my phone. I know I have to call Adam; it is time to go back. When I get to my room, I see someone sitting on my bed. I freeze at the door. I am too scared to move. Kyle’s in my room, sitting on my bed. I want to scream. I want to run but I’m paralyzed with fear. The hairs on my skin start to stick straight up. My heart is beating a million times a second and my head is spinning. I start to bite the inside of my cheek. I’m telling myself to run and get away before he hurts me again. I let out a whimper and Kyle turns around to look at me. His dark eyes filled with black circles. His face is scruffy as though he hasn’t shaved in weeks. Kyle gets up from my bed and runs up to me. He pulls me in his arms. I flinch at his touch. I start thrashing and try to pull away. “Babe stop, it is me.”

  “Kyle.” I scream. “Go away! Leave me alone!” I thrash some more trying to get out of his death grip.

  “No babe. I can’t let you go. I made many mistakes but I have changed. Trust me please. I love you, can’t you see that?”

  I know I have to do something to get him to let go. I quietly calm down and look in his eyes. I hope this works. “Kyle, I know you’re sorry and I believe you.” The look in his eyes shows me that he believes what I’m saying. I get on my tiptoes and lightly kiss his cheek. He slowly loosens his grip from me and I bring my hands to his face. “Now you need to let me go, ok?” I stroke his face and start to smile. “I’m glad you’re back.”

  “Oh babe, I’ve missed you.”He starts to lean his head to mine and I know this is my chance to get away from him. I knee him in his groin and he jerks down in pain. “You bitch!” I run down the stairs toward the kitchen. I get the cordless phone and start to dial Adam’s number.

  “Come on pick up.” I start opening drawers trying to find a knife.

  “Sophia?” Finally, I find a knife. I back into the counter and keep my eyes on the stairs.

  “Adam, oh my God, Kyle…” The line goes dead and I look at the phone. “What the hell?” I hear Kyle laugh and turn around. He has ripped the phone line out of the wall and is standing there with an evil expression on his face. I can’t read what he is thinking, but the fear in me starts to crawl up to the surface. “You shouldn’t have done that Sophia. Now I’m pissed.”

  I move away from him. I point the knife at him but it makes him laugh. I try to think of something else to do to distract him and get away. “Kyle, leave me alone now. I do not want you here. Just leave!”

  He starts to shake his head and brushes his fingers through his hair. “I can’t do that. You see, if I cannot have you, no one will. Do you understand that?”

  He moves closer to me and my whole body is shivering. I want him to get out of my house and my life. “Please Kyle just walk away now and I won’t call the police or anything.”

  Kyle charges at me and I can’t move. He puts his hands on both of my shoulders and starts to shake me. I am holding onto the knife and shake. Kyle sees the knife in my hand and grabs onto my wrist. I squeeze my eyes shut from the pain. He holds my wrist with all his might and I let go from the pain. “You don’t fucking get it. I am not letting you go this time. I’ll kill you before anyone else can have you.” His lips curl and he brings his hands to my face. I feel little and scared. I just want him to go away. I want Adam back. “No one can take you away from me, do you understand?” he sneers. Then out of nowhere, he punches me in the face and pushes me on the floor. I fall on my side and my head slams against the floor. The excruciating pain spreads through my body and all I can do is pray that someone saves me. When I feel his body on top of mine, my body goes numb. I do everything I can to get him off me. I put my hands on his face and push him off, but he wraps his hands around my neck and squeezes. He is cutting off my breathing and I let go of his face. When he lets go of my neck, I try again to fight him off me.

  Nothing is working. Everything I do he is deflecting or taking over me. I scream for help and try to bite him, but that makes him mad. He slaps my face. My head whips to one side and I can feel blood coming out of my nose. His hands are going under my shirt and all I can do is whimper. “Shhhh, you know you want this babe.” He brings his face close to mine and starts to kiss me. I keep my mouth closed but Kyle pries it open with his tongue and pushes in. He rips my shirt off and all I can see is darkness. No one can save me now, the darkness has found me and will swallow me whole. I feel his hands on my breasts and I whimper. “See, you know you miss my touch.” His whispers are chilling. I hate his voice. I hate him.

  There is noise coming from the front of the house. I slowly open my eyes and see Kyle’s head looking at the door. This is my only chance to get him off me, so I have to take it. With all the strength I have left, I force him off me and kick him in the groin. I hear him gasp and moan in pain as he rolls off me. “Someone, help me please!” I run toward the door but it swings open. Adam and Connor are standing there. The sobs start co
ming and I run into Adam’s arms. He smells so good. I miss smelling him. I miss everything about him. “I’m so sorry,” I stutter. “Please forgive me. Please love me again and don’t ever let me go.” I tug tightly onto his shirt and just cry.

  “Connor, find him… NOW,” Adam’s voice is full of rage. I look over and see Connor go through the house. Adam picks me up and walks me over to the couch. He strokes my face and kisses me all over. I look down and realize I am in just my bra and yoga pants. Adam quickly looks away and takes off his jacket for me. “Here baby, wear this.” I do as he says and curl my body onto his lap. I rest my head on his chest and let everything out. I am holding onto him as if he is going to leave again.

  “Do you hate me?” My voice is low and I am scared to know how he is feeling.

  “I can never hate you, as many times as you defy me and we argue, nothing can make me hate you.”

  “Well, I know you’re mad at me.” I look down as my hand curls into his. Our hands fit perfectly together. He pulls me off his chest and holds me at arm’s length. His hand touches my face and I flinch from the pain. He pulls me to his lips and kisses my cheeks, nose, lips and forehead. I love his kiss. I love him.