Chapter 16
I found Wes outside of the stable with two horses saddled up and ready to ride. He'd changed his button down shirt to a more comfortable form fitting cotton V-neck that accentuated his upper body muscles. For a mere second it reminded me of the kind James wore.
I'd been away from him for days, and in that time I'd done a lot of thinking. Driving across country doesn't leave for much else. In the months I spent falling in love with James I'd never once questioned if it was real. Being away after discovering his betrayal had changed that. I don't know if it was love at all. I would assume it would hurt more. In my opinion I felt free of his criticism. James may have offered me companionship, but I'd never been his equal.
The only positive thing to come out of our affair was the little life growing inside of me, and not everyone would feel the same about my situation. Some would say it was a tragedy. I'd been raised to believe everything has a purpose. I was on a path, and this time I promised myself it would be the right one.
Wes helped me put my foot in the stirrup to mount my body on the saddle. Once he'd climbed on his we took off into a thick patch of woods that had trails. We traveled for a little while without speaking. I enjoyed the peace and quiet, so I wasn't going to ruin it with my problems.
When we reached the old swimming hole the horses stopped to graze. I hopped down off my horse first and watched Wes follow my lead. "They stay here all day if we let them. The grass gets extra green from the fallen pine needles. They kill just about everything else though."
Wes smiled and walked with me toward a small wooden pier. It wasn't anything fancy, just some scrap lumber situated to hold a few people so they didn't have to sit in the dirt. "I remember swimming in here as kids."
It was a good memory, one I wasn't ashamed to speak of. "If only we could go back in time, right?"
Wes took the spot beside me and sat down, his feet dangling without touching the water's edge. "Yeah, there's a lot I'd do differently."
I turned to look at him inquisitively. "Same here. What would you change?"
He picked at a weed, breaking it apart while tossing the loose remnants into the calm water. "For starters, I think I would have stayed to live with my grandfather. My mom struggled more because of me. She had to work around me, and I know it was tough. If I stayed at the mansion she could have had a social life, maybe even met a better guy to marry."
"I take it you don't like your step-dad?"
"Which one? She's been married three times."
I had to giggle. I never expected him to say that. "Wow."
"Yeah well, it's her life. She seems happy now."
"Would you change anything else?"
He shrugged. "Just one more other thing. If I would have stayed with my grandfather I would've had the opportunity to be with a certain girl in high school. I can't be sure, but I think everything would have ended up differently had she given me the chance."
Heat radiated to my cheeks. I was almost too embarrassed to ask. "Wes, are you talking about me?"
He tossed the rest of the plant in the water and stared at it floating as he answered. "I think you already know the answer. I told you I had a crush on you. I can't explain it. I've thought about you a lot more than I'd like to admit. I'm not a stalker. It was innocent, I assure you."
"I'm not creeped out. I think it's sweet."
"I've had girlfriends, they just didn't work out."
"Maybe if things were different we could have given it a go. I've got to say, I'm sure glad you came back to visit when you did. If I had to stay cooped up in that house with my parents any longer I'd explode."
"You didn't tell them about the baby, did you?"
"I couldn't. You were right. It was too much for one conversation."
"Have you thought about what you're going to do next?"
Of course I'd thought about my future, or if I had anything left to hope for. "I'm contacting Stanford Monday. I need to know if they can defer my admission."
"They have waiting lists. It might mean you'll have to forfeit your place."
"I know. To be honest I don't know what I'm going to do if I can't go to Stanford. I guess I'll have to go to a local school out of pocket. With the baby on the way it's probably going to be my only option."
"What about the father? Do you think he'll change his mind?"
It was a legitimate question I hated answering. "No. I think his mind is set in stone. Apparently I was the last to know he was a womanizing pig who slept with other students. He lied to me, manipulated me into thinking I was special. I was never anything more than a fuck. He's a despicable excuse for a human being. He can rot in Hell for all I care."
"I didn't see that coming. Remind me not to get on your bad side. I'd hate to be thrown under the bus."
"Wes, you're too nice to be like James. You're the kind of guy every girl looks for but never finds. One day you're going to make someone the happiest girl in the world."
"Just not you, right?"
I docked my eyebrow and gave him an ornery stare. "You don't let up do you?"
"I see something I like and I usually do whatever it takes to have it. With you that can't happen, but I'd kick myself in the ass if I didn't keep trying."
"I'm knocked up by my college professor. I'm not the sweet girl I used to be. I'm damaged. If you only knew the things I've done, you wouldn't want to be near me. There's nothing nice about me anymore. I ruined my life, and if you keep choosing to keep me company I'll probably ruin yours too."
I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I wanted him to get up and run as far away from me as possible.
"I'm a grown man, I can make my own damn decisions. Besides, I happen to believe you can find yourself again. You've already taken the first step and come home. It's only a matter of time before everything has a way of working out."
"Your positivity makes my stomach hurt."
"Well, your negativity makes me want to shove this mud in your mouth." He picked up a wad of dampened dirt and held it close to my face. “Your life isn’t over, Cammie. It might be headed in a different direction, and that is freaking scary, but it’s not over.”
“When did you get smart and handsome?” I couldn’t believe I’d said it out loud. Being with him in such a relaxing atmosphere was causing me to be too comfortable for my own good. “Sorry, I…”
“It’s fine. You already know I think you’re stunning. There’s nothing wrong with being attracted to someone. Trust me, I know from experience, sometimes it doesn’t get you any closer to being with that person.”
“You really had a crush on me? I can’t remember even being nice to you when we were kids. You and Josh annoyed the hell out of me.”
Wes played with the mud in his hand, then, without any kind of fair warning he smashed it into my cheek.
Shocked that he’d do something so irrational, I picked up a hunk and tossed it in his direction. He ducked out of the way, laughing the whole time. “Sorry, it was payback for the way you treated me years ago.” He kept cracking up, even after I managed to plant a large chuck across the front of his V-neck.
“That was years ago.”
“You reminded me. It was only fair.”
“Says who?”
He started coming toward me, making me alarmed he was armed with another large mound of mud. I began backing away, only to lose my balance and fall on my ass. His hand extended for me to take. As soon as mine was placed in it, he was pulling me back up to my feet, nearly inches from being in his arms. “I know you’re only here for a short time, and I promised myself I’d let this go, but being here with you is only making it worse.”
“What?” I asked, even though I was sure I already knew. My stomach was knotted up and my fingers were beginning to tingle. This wasn’t my teacher who I needed to be nervous with. This was someone who I’d known since childhood. I was in a safe place, surrounded by people who loved me. Right before his mouth opened
to answer I placed my fingers over it. “It’s better if you don’t say anything, Wes. You and I both know I can’t allow myself the comforts of being with someone who may or may not actually like me.” I had to turn away as I continued. “James made me do things I’m not proud of. I hate the person I’ve become.”
His hands grazed my arms gently as he responded. “Like what? Why do you think you can’t come back from what you’ve done?”
“It will never be the same. If I told you, you’d run as far away from me as possible.”
“Yeah, I don’t see that happening. Look, I’ve been with my fair share of women. Maybe I’m just as bad. Until you let down your walls and let me be your friend you’re never going to know the truth.”
“Are you a philosopher? A psychiatrist?” He sure did have good answers.
“No. I’m just someone who’s been around the block a time or two. “
“He took me to places,” I began to confess. “He liked having sex in public. He wanted to be watched.”
He raised and brow. A ornery smirk filled his face. “Is that it?”
I shrugged. “He took me to a sex club where we fucked in front of people.”
I watched him take a deep breath, as if he was imagining it all in head to prepare for the best response. “So, did you like it?”
I never took my eyes off his as I answered. “Yes.”
His hand caught me off, extending to brush across my cheek. “I slept with my friends mom when I spent the night. Her husband was away on business, and she came onto me. I felt like shit afterwards and eventually severed ties with the guy. To this day he still doesn’t know it happened.”
“But you regret it?”
His grimace was hard to interpret. “I didn’t say it wasn’t amazing. She was experienced. I’ve never been with another woman like her.”
“Are you making this up to appease me?” Wes was nice enough to do something in that manner to make me feel less disgraceful.
“No. I’m telling you the truth. Actually, I’ve never told anyone.”
In that moment I let my guard down. He wasn’t my enemy. Wes was trying to help me manage my undeniable qualms about my recent relationship. I could see myself getting lost in him and it scared me. It was too soon to be this attracted to another man. Doing so would only make me feel like a whore. “Thank you for sharing that with me.”
“I like to watch too, as long as I get to participate. I’m selfish. I always get what I want.”
I let out an air-filled laugh. “And what you want right now is me, right?”
“I’d be lying if I said the thought hasn’t crossed my mind.”
“My sister likes you Wes. She lives here. It would be easier for you to have a relationship with her. I don’t even know where I’ll be in the coming weeks. For goodness sakes, I’m pregnant with another man’s child. I’m the last person on the planet you should want to be around.”
“Yet I’m standing right here, staring into the most beautiful green eyes I’ve ever seen, wanting to tell you what’s been on my mind for as long as I can remember.”
“We haven’t spoken in years.”
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder,” he noted.
“You’re ridiculous.”
“I’m a realist.
I turned away, unable to grasp how to handle this intense moment between us.
“I’ve had you alone twice now, and both times there hasn’t been one damn thing to make me want to walk in another direction. Maybe I’m a fool to think whatever I’m feeling could be mutual. Maybe I’ve held on to some childhood fantasy for too long.”
“Wes…”
His lips found mine. I wanted to pull away, to smack him hard and run in another direction, but I couldn’t. I fell into that kiss like I’d never done it before. His tongue was warm as it coasted over mine, the stubble on his chin tickling as he moved his face from side to side.
Then came his hands, gradually moving up my arms and finally digging into my hair. My own hands traveled up his chest to grip and pull the fabric of his shirt closer to me.
He’d thrown himself at me. I’d taken the bait like a starving fish. Hook, line and sinker, I was being reeled in by his charm. This man wanted me. He really wanted me. It wasn’t like James who manipulated me to get into my pants. Wes was real. When he said he liked me I knew he meant it with all his heart. I could see it in his eyes, feel it in his stare. This was the kind of connection I’d never felt before. This was the kind that terrified me because I knew it was genuine and without selfish motives.
I pulled away abruptly, wiping off the remnants from my lips. “Why did you do that?” I had to play like I hated it. No matter how amazing the kiss had been I couldn’t allow myself to divulge in it again.
“It needed to be done. Now you can stop wondering what it would be like.”
“I wasn’t.”
He chuckled. “Yeah right. You liked it.”
“I pulled away.”
“Because the thought of being with me scares you. I can see it in the way you distance yourself.”
“Wes, I’m going to be a mother. I don’t want a boyfriend. I was with someone else a week ago. I’m not a floosy.”
“I’d never call you that.”
“I can’t.”
“Do you love him, Cam? When I kissed you did you think of him?”
He got me. He knew exactly what to say to make me squirm. I had to answer truthfully, because Wes deserves as much. “No. I didn’t think of him at all.”
“What did you think about?” His smirk told me he already knew the answer.
“I thought about kicking you between the legs.”
He stepped forward, breaking the distance between us. “I want to do it again. Let me kiss you, Cam.”
“No.” I stepped back.
“Please. If you let me kiss you again I promise I’ll drop it. I won’t talk about wanting you again, not unless you ask me to.”
“I won’t ask,” I assured him.
“Kiss me.” He requested.
I shook my head. My body was frozen in place, but Wes didn’t budge. He stood only inches away waiting for me react.
“I’m going to close my eyes to make it easier for you. My hands are going behind my back. Kiss me or kick me. It’s your choice.”
I watched him do as he said, tucking his hands behind his back, his eyes closing tightly.
For a few seconds I stood there taking him in. He really was a beautiful specimen. His wavy brown hair was almost black. His light blue eyes were surrounded by long dark eyelashes that almost made him look like he was wearing makeup. His lips were full, and the five-o’clock shadow across his face made him distinguished.
Slowly, I took my fingertips and glided them over the fabric of his chest. This was the kind of guy I should have been involved with all along. If I kissed him right now he’d promised to stop hitting on me. I could have kicked him and been done with it, but the idea of feeling his lips on mine again was too tempting.
I crashed my mouth against his. Our tongues played to a similar tempo. In a matter of minutes he was picking me up and lowering me to the ground. His lips never left mine as his body hovered above me. I wrapped my legs around his waist, becoming lost in the moment. Every part of my body awakened, craving more, and refusing to deny myself the pleasure it would bring. Wes finally came to his senses, places chaste kisses around my lips, before pulling away. I reached for another, only to have him stop and stroke my mouth with the back of his thumb. “You may not want me, but I will never stop waiting for the chance to make you mine.”
He stood abruptly, extending his hand for me to take. Just like that the moment was over. He was keeping his word, and I was beginning to hate him for it.
The ride back to the stables was a quiet one. He talked about past times, but nothing about our experience at the swimming hole. I appreciated it, because my mind was going crazy after it.
Once we brushed the horses and put the riding
gear away, Wes turned to face me. We were a few feet apart, but alone in the tack room. “Thanks for the ride, Cam. I won’t forget it for as long as I live.” He began to walk away. “Oh, and don’t worry about dinner. I’ll make sure nobody knows what happened between us.” Just like that he walked out of the stables, leaving me to mope alone. This wasn’t what I’d come home to do; getting involved with another man would only make my problems worse. I had to stay focused. My future depended on it.
Chapter 17
I was still shaking when I climbed into my truck and headed away from the ranch. It was important for me to distance myself from Cammie because I knew I’d go back on my word and stalk her until she gave me a chance to kiss her again. I’d been a fool to think I could get that close and give up hope. She had me by the balls and she didn’t even know it. My only choice was to let it be and hope there was some way in hell she’d come to me on her own. She had to believe I was worth it; that I wouldn't let her down.
For the rest of the day I thought of ways to keep her from returning to California. I knew with the baby on the way she’d need support from her family, but wasn’t sure it would be enough to stop her from going to medical school at Stanford.
I stopped by the mansion and had lunch with my grandfather. He was getting old, but enjoyed having company. When he asked me about school I felt it necessary to see if he could offer any assistance with the Cammie situation.
“Grandpa, how hard was it to get me into Duke?”
“You’re almost done school, son. Tell me you haven’t done something to get yourself in trouble.”
“No. It’s nothing like that.”
“I suppose it boiled down to a few calls. I’m on the board. We own a wing in the science department. They weren’t going to turn down my grandchildren.”
Cammie Healy (Mitchell/ Healy #8) Page 10
