Watch Me Walk Away

by Jill Prand

  Brad is driving the boat and I have a seat beside him on the bench. He steers out into the river and I notice the channel has changed since the last time I was here. If you don’t know the channels you will run aground in this river. When we were younger we had to be pulled off a sandbar a few times until we learned how to navigate it. “When was the last time you were out here?”

  “Last time was for Labor Day. I spent the night with a date watching the fireworks on the bay,” he says.

  “Are you seeing someone?” I ask hopefully.

  “No it didn’t work out. We were together for about four months but it really wasn’t going anywhere. I didn’t love her. She didn’t measure up to my ideal,” he looks at me. “But I really want to know what’s going on with you? Did Bobby mess with your head again Friday? I saw you dancing with him and you looked uncomfortable.” He takes his hand off the wheel and puts it around my waist. “I would gladly knock him on his ass for you.”

  “He was trying to get me to go out with him but I told him I was with Stuart. I did agree to have lunch with him to catch up. He is calling me tomorrow.” I put my head on his shoulder and he squeezes me close. “I met Debbie for coffee yesterday and she told me I should hear him out. That he had reasons for what he did and he’s always loved me.”

  I feel Brad stiffen beside me, “How can she ask that of you knowing full well what you went through before? I will not stand by and let him hurt you again.”

  I put my hand on his chest, “It’s okay. I really need to see this through one way or the other. I think we both have unresolved issues that need closure. It’s just lunch in a public restaurant. I won’t be alone with him.”

  “And what does your boyfriend say about this?” He is almost growling now.

  “Wait,” I look up at him. “We need to get some things straight between us. I’m sorry that I screwed us up. I never should have asked you to be with me just because Bobby rejected me. I was angry and hurt but that did not give me the right to use you. It was not my intension to change our relationship and if I could go back to that night I would do it because I lost my best friend and I want him back.”

  “You didn’t lose me, Lisa. You could never lose me. Do I want more than friendship with you? Yes but I wanted that before we slept together. If all I can have is friendship, I’ll take it. Do I fantasize about you waking up one morning and seeing that Bobby is not worthy of your love? Hell yes because I don’t want to have to pick up the pieces of your heart again. And I owe you an apology too. After that night you needed me to be your friend and all I wanted was to be with you again. I couldn’t see that by not letting you heal first I was pushing you away. I wonder all the time if I had just stopped and not pushed you to give me what I wanted if somehow we could have eventually come together. So now I will be your friend because not having you in my life at all is worse.”

  The tears are running down my cheek and he pulls me into his arms. He doesn’t say anything else just rubs the back of my neck. Why can’t I love this guy? How can my heart want anyone else? I put my arms around his waist and hold tight which is a good thing because just then we run aground. The boat stops suddenly and we are pitched forward. Brad puts the engine in reverse but all that happens is brown silt is churned up by the outboard motor. Brad cuts the engine so we don’t burn it out.

  “Looks like we’re stuck here for a while,” he says as he puts his arms back around me. “High tide is in about an hour so we shouldn’t have to wait too long to get free.”

  I can’t help but laugh. It starts out as a chuckle but starts to build. I feel his responding laugh starting as I pull away and look up at him, “Well this is a familiar dilemma. But I am not jumping in the water to get us unstuck. If we need to lighten up you are going in.”

  “It’s my boat and I have to drive it,” he is still laughing.

  “Yes but you weigh almost two of me so we will rise twice as far. And you’re stronger than me, you can push us off. And I have driven this boat before.” I point out.

  “Like seven or eight years ago,” he says. “It’s a moot point anyway, I don’t mind waiting on the tide.”

  I walk to the bow and sit on one of the benches there, “Fine we will wait for the tide.”

  He comes and sits opposite of me, “Well then finish telling me about Bobby and Stuart.”

  And just like that I have my friend back. I tell him everything, all my feelings and fears. The fact that my body still reacts to Bobby when he touches me or even looks at me. That I’m scared he’ll break me apart but more scared that if I don’t give it a chance I will regret it for the rest of my life. I tell him about my night with Stuart and that I can’t see myself with him this time next month.

  Then he asks me a question that floors me, “Out of all the men in your life, who can you see still being there with you in five years?”

  My only answer, “You.”

  Chapter Eleven

  We did get off the sandbar without getting wet but we never made it out to the bay. We agreed to try again in two weeks weather permitting.

  I spent the evening with Jodi in front of the TV with a bottle of wine. We just hung out and talked and I felt more grounded then I had since Friday night.

  With Monday morning came the anxiety of Bobby’s call. Stuart called me while I was on the train and asked how I was feeling and what my plans were for the week. We were going to a fundraiser for Paralympics on Saturday. His boss’ grandson had been in a car accident when he was younger and lost both of his legs. He is now on the US Paralympics track team and most of Stuart’s office would be there. Quite a few professional athletes would be in attendance and Stuart was excited about us going. I had told Brad that I would be breaking up with Stuart after the event since he had already laid out the twenty-five hundred for the tickets. I was going to do my best to dodge him for the week and made up plans I had with Jodi.

  When I got on the subway I glanced at the time and saw that I was running late. I had a nine-thirty conference call and I would have to run to make it with enough time to go over my notes. As I was running up the stairs I got pushed from behind and my ankle twisted when my heel came off. So there I was limping up the stairs and down the street to my office. I call my assistant Allison as I get to the elevators and ask her to get me an ice pack. As soon as I get out of the elevator I take off both shoes and now I am only limping from the pain.

  I get to my office and Allison has an ice pack and a mug of coffee waiting for me. “You are awesome,” I tell her.

  Pulling a chair over next to my desk for me to prop my foot on, “Yes I know.” Allison is like a mom to me. She is in her forties has two kids at home and she takes shit from no one. She tells me that at her age she can’t see playing games anymore. Will my life ever feel like it is not one big game?

  It is nine-twenty before I get to my notes. Handing Allison my credit card, I ask her to run down the street and pick me up some flats. I also tell her I am expecting a call from Bob Harber. She gives me a knowing smile and I explain that he is an old friend from high school. I boot up my computer as she is walking out the door.

  My meeting lasts until just after ten and I am catching up on my emails when my phone rings. “So how was the rest of your weekend?” Bobby asks.

  “Good,” I answer. “Went to the Wharf on Saturday night and Brad took me out on his boat yesterday. What did you do?”

  “Worked and worked out, nothing exciting. But I do have to go out of town on business this week. I am leaving tonight and won’t be back until Saturday. So would you like to go out then? I could take you out on my boat,” he suggests.

  “While that sounds nice I have a fundraiser to attend here in the city Saturday with Stuart. Why don’t we plan on lunch next week?” I am so hoping he says yes.

  “No I don’t want to wait until next week to see you. What about lunch today? There is a Japanese restaurant half a block down from your office.” His voice sounds strained, “Please, Lisa, I need to tell you
something.”

  I don’t say anything right away, I am not ready to see him today. “Please, baby?” That’s all it takes that little endearment gets me every time.

  “I have a meeting at eleven and another at two-thirty,” I say.

  “I promise to have you back in plenty of time. I will make the reservation for twelve-thirty.” He gives me the name of the restaurant and the address. It really is right around the corner which is a good thing since I will probably be limping there.

  Allison comes back with two pairs of flats for me to choose from. We go over my schedule and I tell her I am having lunch out today. I tell her I should be back way before my two-thirty appointment with the production staff. We go over the agendas for both upcoming meetings. I don’t have time to think about Bobby and lunch but I still feel the added anxiety.

  I leave my office a little after noon so I can slowly walk to the restaurant. When I get there I am taken in right away. Bobby is already there and when he sees me limping he jumps up and puts his arm around me, “What happened?”

  “Some idiot pushed me on the subway stairs and I twisted my ankle when my heel broke,” I tell him. We are seated in a booth which is a good thing, Bobby puts me in the seat he was in so I can scoot all the way in and put my foot up.

  “Why didn’t you tell me? I would have picked you up in my car,” concern evident in his voice.

  “It is only half a block and it’s not broken just a little sore,” I assure him.

  “Well I am giving you a ride back and I will have my driver take you home tonight. I don’t want you to have to walk on it any more than necessary. And you will not fight me on this, Lisa, he would just have the night off anyway.” He reaches over and takes my hand, “Please let me do this for you.”

  My hand tingles where he is touching me, “Alright I won’t say no.”

  He releases my hand and bows his head. “I also want to apologize for Friday. I came on too strong but as soon as I saw you all I wanted was for you to be in my arms.” He looks up at me, “I never stopped thinking about you. I never stopped loving you.”

  “And you couldn’t tell me this eight years ago when you left me?” my voice shakes. “You didn’t want me to worry right? You didn’t want me to wait for you. You wanted me to forget you. Why did you get to make that decision? Did you think it was easier on me? Did you think I would just stop loving you because you left?”

  “You don’t get it.” He runs his hand through his hair and sighs. “You were so young, only sixteen. I knew you would be in that school with all the guys trying to go out with you and I didn’t want you sitting home not living your life.” He grabs my hand again. “Do you remember the day we met? I almost ran you over?” I nod. “You just blew me away. You were so pretty, all dark hair and your eyes that caramel color. I wanted to ask you out right there but I knew you were young. I found out you were only fifteen and I was already eighteen so I waited. I waited for two months for your birthday before I asked you out. It was always in the back of my mind how young you were.” He takes a sip of water. “I almost didn’t leave. I wasn’t the best student and I knew I wouldn’t get into a decent college so my only choice was the Army or trade school. After Jimmy and I signed up and got our departure dates I had a real hard time. I remember almost breaking up with you a month before we left because it was getting harder and harder to be with you knowing I was leaving. I told Jimmy the week before we left that I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t leave you but we had signed the papers and I had no choice anymore. But I couldn’t ask you to wait for me so I broke it off. Jimmy told me I was being stupid but all I could think about was getting a Dear John letter from you and how it would break me.”

  “So instead you broke me,” I say. “And then you did it again that New Year’s Eve. Why did you come back then? If you didn’t want me to be tied to you why come back and go to the one place you knew I would be?”

  “I just couldn’t stay away anymore. When I got accepted into the Special Forces I knew my chances of getting out alive or in one piece dropped dramatically. I got leave for three weeks before I started the new assignment so I came home. I actually watched you perform in the Christmas show choir concert. I stood across the river form your house trying to get a glimpse of you. You sat out on your dock one night and I heard you singing. I almost came to you that night. Then on New Year’s I heard the party at Joe’s and I knew you would be there. I had two days left and all I wanted was to see you one last time. I didn’t plan on touching you. I wasn’t sure if I would even talk to you or if you would let me. Then our eyes met and I couldn’t not touch you. I had to have you in my arms. I know I hurt you that night but when you offered yourself to me and I realized that it would be much more than just sex I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t take your innocence and then just walk away again.” He has been holding my hand the whole time but now he takes it in both of his, “I just wanted another memory of you to get me through the bad times, to give me courage to maybe come back.”

  I pull my hand away, “So what do you want now?” I can’t look at him. His gorgeous blue eyes are making me think about getting up and throwing myself into his arms.

  “I want us to try again.” My head jerks up. “I still love you. I never stopped. Would you give us another try?” he asks.

  Shaking my head, “I’m still with Stuart.” He starts to say something and I put my hand up. “I plan on breaking up with him after Saturday but until then we are still together. If you want to try this then I have some ground rules.”

  “Whatever you want,” he says. His shoulders drop slightly. He still has ahold of my hand and is playing with the ring on my finger, twirling it around.

  “No lying, I want the truth. And do not think that we are going to jump into a physical relationship any time soon. I want to take this slow. I need to learn to trust you again and I don’t know if I can.” I take a breath and then admit “You hurt me, Bobby, and I don’t know if I’ve ever really gotten over it.” It is really hard to say that to him. I feel like I am giving him ammunition against me.

  “I will let you call all the shots, you tell me what you need and I will do it. I won’t hurt you again, Lisa. I would rather die first.” There are tears in his eyes when he says it and I believe he believes what he is saying. Now I just have to get him to prove it to me.

  "Well according to Deb you’ve been keeping tabs on me all these years," I raise my eyebrow, yeah you’ve been found out. "So it only seems fair you spill what you’ve been doing."

  He lets it slide but I have a feeling he may be calling Deb later today. I will have to call her as soon as I get back to the office to warn her. He tells me all about the Army and about losing his parents. He tells me he started his company because a friend from the army who runs a security firm in LA needed a presence in New York. How he worked his ass off making it the top firm in the city and how he only hires ex-military with spotless records.

  We talk through lunch and we never seem to run out to things to say. It is an easy feeling like we haven’t been apart for years. I tell him about my job and what I love about it. What I would change if I could and where I want to go with it.

  We talk about friends and how he has distanced himself from most of them but he wants to change that. It is one of the reasons he produced Joe’s show.

  By the time the waitress brings the check it is two and I have to get back to the office. We walk out and he keeps his arm around me taking some of my weight to relieve my ankle. His car is right in front of the entrance and he introduces me to his driver, Arthur. I still feel funny taking a ride for half a block but we actually have to go around the block to get to the entrance of my building. He hasn’t let go of my hand since we got in.

  When we pull up he turns to me, “I know you want to take this slow but can I ask to kiss you? Just one kiss to hold me over on my trip?” I nod and he moves to me.

  Putting his hands on my face he lowers his head to mine. He lightly touches our lips all the w
hile looking into my eyes. I part my lips because I just need to taste him and he gasps before easing his tongue into my mouth. His hands move away from my face and around to my back to pull me closer. My hands are pressed to his chest but I manage to move one of them up to his hair. The kiss goes on and on and I feel my body responding to him pressing my chest into his. God I love how he kisses me. I feel the heat of my desire pooling in my panties. I want to feel his hands on me and I know I have to stop this before it goes too far. I pull on his hair and push against his chest to break the kiss. My breathing is labored and so is his. I look into his eyes and see the desire there mirroring my own. He puts his forehead against mine and takes a deep breath. My hand is still playing with his hair and his is rubbing up and down my back. We can’t seem to let go of each other.

  I close my eyes and say, “I have to go I have a meeting in a few minutes.”

  “I know,” he says pulling away. My hands drop to my lap. “I will walk you to the elevators so you don’t hurt yourself again.” He gets out of the car and holds out his hand to me. He puts his hand around my waist and drops his head to whisper in my ear, “If I didn’t think you would be embarrassed, I would pick you up and carry you in.”

  I look up at him and say, “Next time I sprain my ankle I will let you carry me around.”

  “Planning on hurting yourself again?” he laughs.

  “No not anytime soon,” I smile up at him. I can’t stop smiling. He makes me feel good. I don’t even feel my ankle at the moment.

  We get to the elevators and he asks for my cell phone. I give it to him and he programs his number in. “Arthur will be waiting outside at five but you don’t have to rush, whenever you get done will be fine. And he will pick you up in the morning so you don’t have to walk again.” He hands me back my phone and kisses my forehead. “I will call you tonight when I land.”

  There is an elevator open and I move to get in. I push the button for my floor and turn around. He is standing there watching me until the elevator closes. I sigh and lean on the wall. I don’t even notice the woman standing next to me until she says, “You are a lucky woman.”