Watch Me Walk Away

by Jill Prand

She whistles. “You know you could get a house out here for that.”

  “But I would still have the commute and I don’t want to burn myself out. I love what I do most of the time but if I wear myself down I will start to resent it and I don’t want to do that,” I tell her. It is the truth, I am really tired but I think most of it is due to the fact that I haven’t been sleeping much at all.

  She hands me a sandwich and we sit at the table. “Just don’t rush into anything. You are always welcome here.”

  I take a bite of the sandwich. I don’t feel like I’m rushing. I just feel so out of place and I know that most of it is the question of what is going to happen with Bobby. When is Arthur getting here? I need to know when he will be back! I can’t live without knowing anymore. I put the sandwich down and get up. I go to the front window shouldn’t he be here by now?

  Jodi follows me out. “You’ll know something soon. Come finish your sandwich and relax.”

  “I’m not hungry anymore.” I just want to see the car pull up.

  “Standing there looking out the window is not going to make him get here any faster. You need to eat,” as she is saying it Brad pulls up. Damn why did he have to get here first?

  I watch him walk up and go to open the door for him. “Hey stranger, ready to get your hick on?”

  “I listened to the album you sent me and he’s not half bad.” He walks in and kisses my cheek. “Do I smell food? I didn’t know if you were planning to eat there so I haven’t had anything yet.”

  “Well I will share my meatball sandwich with you.” I take his arm. “I’m not really hungry at the moment.”

  “You okay?” he asks as we walk into the kitchen.

  “I’m fine just not hungry, excited about the concert.” We sit and I hand him the sandwich.

  “Don’t let her lie to you,” Jodi says, “She’s crawling out of her skin waiting for Arthur to show up and give her more information.”

  Frowning at her I say, “I’m not crawling out of my skin. I just need to know when Bobby is getting home. Is it too much to ask?”

  Brad puts his hand on my back. “He’s safe, Lisa. He is coming home and you just need to be a little patient.”

  Yeah as my mother always tells me, I skipped the patience line. Waiting has never been a strong suit of mine. “I know he’s safe but I need to see him.” Why doesn’t anyone get this? My life is on hold until I see him and talk to him and hopefully hold him. I need to hold him.

  I get up again, I can’t sit still. I walk back into the living room just as Arthur pulls up. I run out the door and get to the car just as he puts it in park. I am rocking on my heels waiting for him to get out. “When will he be home?” I ask as he opens the door.

  He smiles at me. “Calm down, you look like you’re ready to take off. The guys are leaving Germany tomorrow morning. They’ll be home by the time you get out of work.”

  Tomorrow, he’ll be home tomorrow. Thank God. “Have you talked to him?” I need to know.

  “Yes, I talked to him today. He is fine, he can’t wait to get home,” he says. That isn’t really what I want to know. I am too scared to ask what I really want to know. Did he ask about me? The words are stuck in my throat. “He did want me to tell you to plan on having dinner with him tomorrow.”

  Dinner, is dinner good? I will see him tomorrow. Twenty-four hours I only have to wait twenty-four hours. Please let him still want me. “I thought you would be happy,” concern laces his words.

  “I am happy but what if he’s still mad at me?” I ask.

  “He’s been through hell this past week, believe me all he wants to do is spend time with you. You were the first thing he asked about when I talked to him.” He puts his hands on my arms, “He wants to see you.” He wants to see me, I want to hold him. God I have to get through a whole day of work. But he wants to see me. I need to see him.

  I can stand a whole day. I may not get any work done but I will wait. By the time the concert is over and I get back here it will be like eighteen hours. Time is going to fly right? I turn around and walk to the house calling back over my shoulder, “Let me get Brad. Do you want something to drink or eat? We have leftover meatballs for sandwiches.”

  “No, I’m good,” he calls back with a laugh.

  I walk back into the kitchen and I smile. “He’ll be home tomorrow and he wants to have dinner.”

  Jodi gets up and hugs me. “You see everything will be fine.”

  Brad looks a little less sure watching us. He gets up. “We ready to go or do you want more to eat?” There is still a few bites left of the sandwich, my stomach actually rumbles. I guess my appetite has returned.

  “I’ll finish it.” I move over to him. “Thanks.” I look up at him. “For saving me some, I mean.”

  “I know what you’re like at concerts. You never sit down. You’ll need something to give you energy.” He hands me the plate. “Maybe we should make you another one.”

  I take a bite and shake my head. “This is good,” I say while chewing. It does taste good; better than it did last night. I finish it in three bites. “Let’s go, I’m ready to dance.”

  I hug Jodi on my way past. “You’re the best you know.”

  “I’ll remind you of that next time you’re mad at me for sticking my nose in your business.” She hugs me back chuckling.

  Brad and I get in the car and we’re off. I really am looking forward to the concert now. I love Hunter Hayes and it will pass the time. Working off excess energy dancing will help me sleep tonight, like I will sleep at all.

  Brad is quiet on the ride but I am so busy thinking about seeing Bobby that I don’t really notice that he is not his normal talkative self. We are almost at the Barclay Center before I realize it. “Hey what’s with you?” I ask him.

  He looks at me. “What do you mean?”

  I lift my eyebrow. “You’re not usually this quiet. Is there something wrong?”

  “You mean other than the girl I love pining over someone else?” he says turning away from me. Oh shit. He thought Bobby and I wouldn’t be getting back together or was hoping at least. He turns back to me and takes my hand. “I’m sorry, it’s just that sometimes I can’t deal with the prospect of seeing you with him.”

  “I don’t know what to do to make you feel better. I can’t not love him, Brad. I think it’s physically impossible.” I know I’m hurting him. “Sometimes I wish I didn’t feel this way, sometimes I wish I could love you back but that’s just not how I feel. I can’t force myself to love you like that but I need you in my life. I hope that someday you will meet someone that can be what you need, Brad. I just know it can’t be me.”

  “I know you don’t love me the way I want you to but it doesn’t stop me from loving you. It’s my problem not yours. You don’t lead me on so don’t feel guilty. It’s just hard sometimes.” He turns away from me again still holding my hand.

  What do I do to help him? He means the world to me but I can’t give up on Bobby. I really can’t deal with this right now. “Can we just enjoy tonight?”

  “Yes we can. I promise not to bring this up again and to have fun.” He smiles and hold up his fingers in a scout’s salute.

  I smile back at him, “That would be much more believable if you were actually a scout at some point.”

  “Hey it’s the thought that counts. I will even try dancing with you if it will help.” He laughs. Brad doesn’t dance. He has two left feet and when he tries he always ends up stepping on someone, usually me.

  “Well if you are going to dance I am glad I wore my cowboy boots, at least my feet will be safe,” I tease.

  “I’m not that bad, am I?” he has to be kidding me. He knows he can’t dance.

  We pull up in front of the arena and Arthur gets out and opens our door. It is great not having to worry about parking. I glance at the time and it is a little after seven and the opening act should be taking the stage soon. Arthur is telling Brad he will meet us back here as I get out. “Thanks,” I t
ell him.

  Brad puts his hand on my lower back and I realize there is already music blasting so we’ve missed the start. That is okay, I don’t really know the opening act anyway. We get inside and find our way to the floor entrance. “Do you want anything before we go in there? We probably won’t be coming back out until the end.”

  “I could use a water.” I look around. “I’m going to go to the bathroom while it’s quiet out here.”

  “I’ll get the water and meet you back here,” he says as I move towards the bathroom.

  There are a few women in the bathroom but most of the stalls are empty, unusual for the ladies room. I pee then wash my hands. All the while I am thinking of tomorrow. I’m not really worried anymore. I know what I want and I am determined that by this time tomorrow I will be in Bobby’s arms. I look at myself in the mirror and the person staring back at me looks better than she has in days. There is a light in my eyes that has been missing and I will not lose it again.

  I find Brad waiting for me with two bottles of water and a soft pretzel. He knows how much I love them. We make our way down to our seats, well as close as we can get with everyone pressed forward towards the stage. We are stopped about five rows back from our seats. We share the pretzel and listen to the opening act. They’re not bad but I don’t know any of their songs. They play for about forty-five minutes before leaving the stage.

  Once the band is off and the roadies take the stage for the change people start making their way back to their seats. Security moves everyone away from the barrier and I notice one of them has a Harber Security shirt. As we get to our seats he has noticed me and says something into a mike on his wrist. He’s probably been told to look out for us so someone can bring the passes out. I don’t think we will make use of them. If I was with Bobby it would be different. He would know people. I don’t know anyone from this label and to get close to the talent even with an all access pass you need to be able to name someone close to them. We would end up in the hallway getting a wave if we were lucky.

  Brad is impressed with the seats and we do actually sit since we won’t be doing it for a while once the music starts. I keep looking at the security guy and he is looking at me just as often. It’s like he wants to make sure I don’t go anywhere.

  The band starts to take the stage and the music starts. I grab Brad’s hand and go right up to the barrier. Brad angles himself behind and just to the side of me to keep the crush of people off me. He braces his arms around me and presses his one foot against the barrier to keep from being pushed into me. Hunter Hayes comes on stage and starts with Storm Warning. I love this song and start dancing. I am lost in the music for the next hour.

  During Somebody’s Heartbreak Brad starts to call my name. He turns me towards him and I look up at him. He nods his head to the right and I look over. Bobby is walking towards me on the other side of the barrier. He has scratches on his face like he did a face plant on the road. He smiles at me and I can’t help the tears falling from my eyes. He’s here! I need to get over this barrier. I look up at Brad. “Please,” is all I say. He lifts me up over the barrier and I run into Bobby’s arms.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I don’t remember the rest of the concert. I know at some point I vaguely heard Wanted but I was too busy kissing Bobby, running my hands over him to make sure he was okay. We stopped kissing a few times to just look at each other. We didn’t say a thing, we didn’t need to. When all the music stopped and the lights went up we reluctantly pulled apart, we were drawing calls for us to get a room from the crowd. Actually that was the tamest remark I heard, some of them made me blush. I still couldn’t stop touching him, with my hand on his chest I finally spoke, “Arthur told me you wouldn’t be back until tomorrow.”

  He smiles and pushes my hair behind my ear. “I pay him well enough for him to keep a secret for me now and then, although I’m beginning to think he likes you better. I had to hear him rant at me for the hour it took to get from JFK about me leaving you with no word and how I should be ashamed of myself.”

  The thought of Arthur chastising Bobby for me makes me happy. “Well he had to deal with me all week and I didn’t make it easy on him.” I lean up to kiss his jaw. “I was worried about you and how we left things between us. You left me crying in someone else’s arms, Bobby. What was I supposed to think?”

  He picks me up and sits me on the barrier to the seats. “I’m sorry. I knew I was leaving and then the whole revelation about you and Brad just threw me. I didn’t know how to deal with it and the situation I was walking into at the same time. I didn’t mean for you to think we were done but I knew if I held you I wouldn’t be leaving you at all. I had to go on this mission, one of the guys I served with was captured and being tortured. It was only a matter of time before they killed him and we had to get him out.”

  “Look I understand you had to go, but you can’t leave me like that. It was bad enough worrying about your safety but to worry if I had lost you all together made it ten times harder.” I wrap my legs around him and pull him closer. “I love you, you idiot. Now promise me no more walking away.”

  “No more walking away.” He kisses me, “I promise. You are never getting rid of me no matter what. Ever.” How does he know exactly what I need to hear?

  Suddenly I remember I am here with Brad. I look around and see him sitting in a chair watching us with a dejected look. I asked him to pick me up so I could run to Bobby. After the talk we had in the car I have probably broken his heart yet again. I release Bobby and swing my legs around. “Where you…?”

  I don’t let him finish the thought. “I need to talk to Brad.” I lean back and give him a quick kiss before I jump. Brad watches me walk to him but his eyes are so sad. I sit in the chair next to him and pick up his hand. “I’m sorry, Brad.”

  He looks at me and nods but doesn’t say anything. “I need to know you’ll be okay. You are still my oldest friend and I love you.”

  He leans his forehead into mine. “I know. I’ll be fine eventually but I can’t be around you two together yet. It is too raw. I think we should take some time and when I think I can handle it I will call you okay?”

  I put my arm around his neck and hug him. “I will give you whatever you need, as long as you’re still in my life.”

  He laughs. “That’s my line.”

  I pull back and look into his eyes. “No, that’s our line. The only thing I can’t give you belongs to someone else, other than that I will give you anything.”

  “Just be happy, that’s all I want.” He kisses my forehead and stands up. “So how am I getting home from here?”

  “Arthur will take you,” I tell him. “There’s enough of Bobby’s crew here that we can catch a ride with them.” I hug him again. “Call me when you’re ready. I’ll leave you alone ‘til then.” I turn and walk back towards Bobby.

  He scoops me up and lifts me back over the barrier. “He okay?” He looks back at Brad. I can’t look back, it’ll hurt too much.

  “He will be eventually. I told him Arthur would take him home, he wants to leave.” I take Bobby’s hand and start walking to the tunnel that will take us backstage.

  Bobby takes his phone out and tells Arthur Brad is coming out alone and he needs to go. He also says when Arthur is done he can have the rest of the night that we will find our own way back. After he hangs up he pulls me close and whispers in my ear, “Any chance of you playing hooky tomorrow?”

  I groan because I know there is no way, I have too much to do. “I can’t. I have a presentation on Wednesday, the first of five for Daly’s companies.” He sighs. “But I might be persuaded to go in late, my first meeting isn’t until noon.”

  He scoops me up into his arms. “Noon, I can work with that.” He takes us into the tunnel. Glancing back over his shoulder, I see Brad is still standing there watching us walk away.

  Epilogue

  She is so beautiful dancing in front of me. This is torture, my arms are around her and she is so
close all I have to do is bow my head and I could taste her. I still remember what she tastes like and there is nothing like it. Someone pushes against my back and I press my hands against the barrier in front of us so I don’t crush her. Her ass brushes against me and I am instantly hard, I angle my hips back so she doesn’t notice.

  I have to look away from her before I haul her body against mine. I take a deep breath, we are just friends. I look at the security guard that has been watching us all night. I know he is one of Bobby’s guys and he is just looking out for her but he makes me uncomfortable. He puts his hand to his ear and turns to look to his left. He lifts his hand to wave and my eyes move to see who he’s waving at. Bobby’s here, striding towards us, he nods at me and looks at Lisa and I can see the yearning in his eyes. My heart drops out of my chest onto the floor. My time with her is up. She’s his now and I don’t have a chance in hell of ever getting her.

  I put my hands on her shoulders and turn her to me. She looks up at me with the light shining in her eyes and all I want to do is kiss her but she’s not mine. I try to smile at her and cock my head towards Bobby. She smiles back at me not getting it so I look at Bobby then back at her. I watch as she finally sees him. Her body tenses, tears come to her eyes but the smile that lights her face is worth everything I have in this world if only she would smile like that for me. She puts her hands on the barricade and starts to push down but she doesn’t have the strength to get over it herself. She turns those tear filled eyes to me. “Please,” is all she says. I pick her up and hold her for just a second then turn and lift her over the barrier, the hardest thing I will ever have to do is letting her go.

  I watch as she runs to him and throws herself into his arms. He kisses her and all I want to be is him. He gets to hold her and taste her. She is running her hands over his body making sure he is alright. He’s got one hand in her hair and one on her ass pressing her into him. They break the kiss and just stand there looking into each other’s eyes. I can see the love pouring out of them, it is intense. Neither of them say anything, they are communicating just through looks. I can’t watch this but I don’t have the strength to turn away either. Maybe seeing this will finally get it through my head that I can’t have her, I never could. That one night of heaven is all I will ever get.