The Happiness List

by Annie Lyons

  Subject closed. Case dismissed.

  Pamela smiled. ‘Ooh yes, ducks. Chilford Park is beautiful – I’m so excited for you.’

  ‘Was Luke pleased?’ asked Fran.

  ‘Yeah, yeah he was,’ said Heather. Eventually. She’d returned home after her trip with Fran, full of excitement to find Luke still working.

  ‘I just need half an hour more,’ he told her.

  Half an hour had doubled and tripled before Luke emerged looking tired and harassed. ‘Sorry, baby, that took a lot longer than I anticipated. I was going to cook you something special but I’m done for – how about one of my incredible omelettes?’

  He was trying to make amends and Heather didn’t want an argument so she smiled and sat down at the kitchen table, nursing a glass of wine while he made dinner.

  ‘So how was your afternoon?’ asked Luke as he chopped peppers and mushrooms. ‘Sorry I had to leave you to it.’

  ‘It’s okay,’ she said, because actually it did feel okay, sitting in their kitchen, chatting while he cooked. Like a regular couple. ‘As it turned out, the afternoon was rather productive.’

  He turned to look at her. ‘Oh yeah?’

  Heather couldn’t hold back on the surprise. ‘I booked the venue!’ she blurted.

  ‘What? You booked it?’ His voice sounded flat.

  ‘You don’t sound very pleased.’

  He sighed. ‘I guess I’m just disappointed that you didn’t wait until we could go along and decide together.’

  ‘Well, I’m sorry but they couldn’t hold the date indefinitely. I had to make a decision and Fran said…’

  ‘Fran?’

  ‘My friend? You met her at the woods, with her kids? And the dog?’

  ‘Oh yeah but what was she doing there?’

  ‘She came along with her daughter, Charlie, and we all felt that it was the right thing to do.’

  ‘All of you? You let a stranger and a child decide our wedding venue?’

  Heather folded her arms as anger rose in her chest. ‘Now just wait a minute. Fran is my friend and Charlie is, well Charlie is bloody fantastic. We could have gone along together and made the decision but you had to work so they offered to come with me. End of.’

  Luke ran a hand through his hair. ‘Not this again.’

  Heather glared at him. ‘Yes. This again. I’m trying to be understanding, really I am, but you’re working all the time. Of course I wanted to decide this with you but when I saw it, I thought it was perfect and Fran agreed. She’s a good friend and I trust her judgement,’ said Heather, feeling emboldened at the thought. ‘And her daughter is wonderful. We had a brilliant time looking around and I thought that if we all loved it then you would too. Now I’m sorry if you have a problem with that but I think I did the right thing.’

  Luke stared at her in amazement before his face broke into a smile. ‘Wow. Sorry. You’re completely right.’

  It was Heather’s turn to be surprised. ‘I am?’

  He held up his hands. ‘Yeah. You did the right thing – I was out of order.’

  Heather gave a cautious smile before nodding. ‘Okay. I’m glad you think so.’

  Luke reached for her hand. ‘Sorry for being an asshole. I’m really tired but that’s not an excuse – I was still an asshole.’

  She laughed. ‘Apology accepted.’

  ‘And furthermore, can I say that I have never found you sexier than when you read me the Riot Act just then.’ He leant forwards to kiss her.

  ‘Oh really?’

  He stood up and pulled her into his arms. ‘Really,’ he said, staring into her eyes. They rejected the omelettes in exchange for some pretty hot sex after that. Heather smiled as she thought about it now – Luke loved her, he wanted her and they were going to have the best wedding and the happiest life. She was determined to make sure of it.

  ‘So, what are you plans for the weekend?’ asked Fran, interrupting Heather’s reverie.

  ‘We’re looking after my godson, Freddy, tonight.’

  ‘Oh, how wonderful,’ said Pamela clapping her hands together. ‘All good practice for when you have your own.’

  ‘Mmm,’ said Heather vaguely. When or if? That was the question.

  ‘Either that or it’ll put you off for life,’ joked Fran.

  ‘Funnily enough, that’s what Gemma said,’ laughed Heather.

  ‘A woman after my own heart,’ declared Fran.

  ‘Oh Fran,’ scolded Pamela. She turned to Heather. ‘Don’t listen to her – the best days of my life were my wedding and when my kids were born.’

  ‘My best day was definitely my wedding,’ scoffed Fran. ‘I’ll take drinking champagne in a big dress over childbirth any day. Although epidurals are conclusive evidence that God is a woman.’

  ‘But what about having those lovely babies?’ clucked Pamela. ‘It changes your life for ever.’

  ‘You’re not wrong there,’ remarked Fran. ‘They should come with a receipt.’ Pamela gave an indulgent tut.

  Heather smiled. She loved their banter. Fran and Pamela had been there, done that, got the T-shirts, whilst Heather was still trying to work out which T-shirt to choose. ‘He’s only staying for one night so how bad can it be?’

  Pretty bad as it turned out, although things at least started on a positive. Heather was impressed when Luke arrived home during the early afternoon, saying that he’d decided to work from home so that he could be on hand to help out. Heather took this as a good sign.

  Gemma was due to drop Freddy off at five. At half past four, Heather realized that they’d run out of milk. ‘I’m just popping to the shop,’ she told Luke. ‘I’ll be back before Gemma arrives.’ He looked up from his laptop and nodded.

  As she let herself back through the front door a while later, Heather could hear laughter from the living room.

  ‘You filthy bugger!’ she heard Gemma declare.

  Heather appeared in the doorway. ‘Who’s a filthy bugger?’ she laughed.

  ‘Heather!’ cried Gemma, jumping up to hug her cousin. ‘I didn’t hear you come in. Luke was just telling me one of his disgusting stories. It’s nice to have a laugh with a grown-up for a change.’

  ‘I’m sure,’ said Heather with a smile. She glanced at Luke, who wore an oddly blank expression. She spotted the baby car seat, where Freddy was fast asleep. ‘So how’s the little man?’

  Gemma pulled a face. ‘He’s teething so I’ll leave you some gum gel and Calpol in case you need it. I hope he’s okay for you.’

  ‘We’ll be fine, won’t we, Luke?’ said Heather hopefully.

  Luke shrugged. ‘Sure. You go and have a great time,’ he said, fixing his gaze on Gemma.

  There was a squeak from Freddy as his eyes opened and he took in his new surroundings. ‘Well hello, mister,’ said Gemma, unbuckling the strap and lifting him from his car seat. ‘You’re awake, are you?’

  ‘Mamar,’ confirmed Freddy.

  ‘Oh that’s too cute!’ cried Heather. ‘He said “mummy”. Isn’t that cute, Luke?’

  ‘Yeah. Cute,’ said Luke casually. ‘Now if you’ll excuse me, I should go back and do some work. Good to see you, Gemma,’ he added, leaning forwards to kiss her. ‘Remember to call me when you go for your work meeting – we can have lunch.’

  Gemma smiled. ‘Yeah. That would be great.’

  ‘You should get going,’ said Heather, turning to her cousin and trying to shake off the sinking feeling that Luke wasn’t completely on-board with tonight’s arrangement.

  ‘Are you sure this is going to be okay, Heth?’ asked Gemma, passing Freddy to her.

  ‘It’ll be great,’ said Heather, hoping this was true. She made googly eyes at her godson, who giggled with delight.

  ‘I hope you’re right. He was a bit of bugger for Mum the other day.’

  Heather gave Freddy an exaggerated look of horror, which he rewarded with a coo of amusement. ‘Did Mummy say a bad word? Naughty Mummy – she needs to go out on the sauce with Daddy and loos
en up a bit.’

  Gemma grimaced. ‘Sorry. I just don’t want it to be a nightmare for you.’

  Heather adopted a stern face. ‘It will be fine, Gem. It’s one night. Now go, drink champagne with your husband and have all the sex.’

  ‘Oh God no. The only thing I’m doing in that luxurious bed with its 120 thread-count Egyptian cotton sheets is sleeping. Trust me.’ She kissed Heather and then Freddy before heading for the door. ‘Have fun, my darlings – I love you.’

  Heather stood at the door with Freddy, waving. ‘Say bye bye, Mummy. Bye bye.’

  ‘Marmar?’ asked Freddy.

  ‘That’s right. Mummy. Mummy,’ said Heather, closing the door behind them as Gemma disappeared round the corner.

  ‘Marmar? Marmar?’ insisted Freddy, his brow furrowing.

  ‘Oh, it’s okay. Mama will be back tomorrow. Tonight you’ve got Heather. Can you say “Heather”?’

  ‘Marmar. Marmar,’ said Freddy, tears springing to his eyes.

  He continued with this theme, his requests for his mother and his crying steadily increasing in volume and urgency. Heather tried everything she could to console him – food, milk, his boggle-eyed rabbit – but all were roundly rejected with determined ferocity. Eventually, Luke appeared from the dining room, a frown of frustration on his face.

  Freddy seemed to calm for a second. ‘Marmar?’ he asked through hiccupping sobs.

  ‘How I wish it was,’ said Heather.

  When Freddy saw that Luke was in fact not ‘Marmar’, his cries rapidly escalated again. Luke stood in the doorway, a look of disbelief on his face. ‘Why is he crying like that?’

  Heather rolled her eyes. ‘Believe me, if I knew that, I’d make it stop. I don’t suppose you want to hold him for a minute, do you? See if you’ve got the magic touch?’

  Luke looked horrified. ‘I’m no good with babies, particularly screaming ones and besides, I’ve really gotta work.’

  Heather was annoyed. ‘But I thought you said you’d lend a hand?’

  Luke sighed. ‘Yeah, but something’s come up and I have to take a call from New York in half an hour.’

  ‘It’s Friday night,’ said Heather.

  ‘Not there it isn’t. Anyway, it’s not as if we’re about to have a relaxing evening in, is it?’

  Heather sighed. ‘Probably not.’

  ‘Actually, Heth, might you be able to take him out while I speak to New York? That wailing is kind of distracting.’

  Heather was furious but staying here with a screaming baby and an unhelpful fiancé didn’t feel like the right option – maybe the air would calm them both down. ‘Fine. I’ll see you later.’

  She wrestled a squirming Freddy into his pushchair and headed out onto Hope Street. Freddy was still crying but the sound was less enclosed and intense. There was a chill to the air but the sky was a glorious peachy-pink colour and Heather felt relieved to be outside. There was something about the way that Luke had reacted to Freddy that bothered her. True, Freddy was wailing like a banshee so Luke wasn’t meeting him under the best circumstances and he was clearly tired and stressed after a day at work but it made her wonder. If they did have children, what kind of father would Luke make? How would he react if he came home to find them screaming the place down? Maybe it was different with your own kids but still, that seed of doubt nestled in her brain and threatened to take root.

  She hoped that the walk would calm Freddy, that he might find the motion of the buggy soothing and forget he was missing his mother. Unfortunately, the fresh air seemed to energize him again so that by the time she was outside Pamela’s house, Heather was starting to lose all hope and a tiny bit of her mind. Without realizing what she was doing, she took an abrupt turn and headed up the garden path.

  Heather felt an unexpected surge of relief at the sight of Pamela, who was staring at them both with an expression of kind concern. ‘Oh. now then, what’s going on here?’ She smiled down at the baby. ‘You must be Freddy! What’s the matter, darling?’

  ‘He won’t stop crying,’ said Heather desperately. ‘I don’t know what to do.’

  ‘Ah now, come on in, both of you. Come on, Mr Freddy. Let’s have a proper look at you.’

  ‘I think he misses his mum.’

  ‘I’m sure he does.’ Pamela smiled, unbuckling his pushchair like a pro and scooping him into her arms. ‘Now then, Mr Fred, what’s all this noise?’ said Pamela. Freddy stared at her and stopped crying for a second. Pamela saw her chance and planted a raspberry kiss on his cheek. Freddy looked astonished. Heather was sure he was about to start crying again. Pamela planted another raspberry kiss. Freddy made a sound which was half like a bark and half like a laugh. Another raspberry. Freddy gave a tentative giggle. Two more raspberries. Two more giggles.

  ‘Pamela.’

  ‘Yes, lovey?’

  ‘You’re my hero.’

  Pamela laughed. ‘I’ve just had a lot of practice. Have you got his milk?’

  ‘Er, yes,’ said Heather.

  ‘Come through to the kitchen. We’ll see if he wants it and I’ll make us both a cuppa.’

  Half an hour later, a sleeping Freddy was lying in Pamela’s arms having drunk all his milk, been winded by Heather and changed by Pamela.

  ‘We make a good team.’ Pamela smiled. ‘He’s a beauty.’

  ‘Thank goodness you were there to help – what would I have done without you? I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to look after a baby.’

  Pamela waved away her concerns. ‘’Course you will, ducks. You learn fast when it’s your own.’

  Heather nodded, feeling an unexpected sting of tears. She wiped at her eyes. ‘Sorry. I don’t know where that came from. It’s just the thought of Mum not being here if I ever have a baby.’

  Pamela reached out and took hold of her hand. ‘I know it’s not the same but I’ll always be happy to help. I bet Fran will too.’

  Heather smiled gratefully. ‘This must take you back,’ she said, gesturing towards Freddy.

  Pamela’s eyes twinkled with joy. ‘Just a bit. I loved having babies. Laura was a bit of a nightmare to settle and Simon had colic but Matty was always so easy.’

  ‘Happy memories?’

  Pamela nodded ruefully. ‘I wish I could go back just for one day. It was my favourite time. It’s all so different once they grow up.’

  Heather squeezed her hand. ‘I bet it’s difficult to remember the person you were before you were a mother.’

  Pamela gave a surprised nod. ‘Yes, that’s exactly how it is.’

  ‘Well, keep going because I get the feeling you’re on your way to finding out.’

  Pamela smiled. ‘It’s all a bit of an eye-opener, isn’t it?’

  Heather glanced at Freddy and nodded. ‘You can say that again.’

  Back home, Heather steered the pushchair in through the front door, trying to make as little sound as possible. She looked down at her godson, at the perfect curve of his lip, slightly pursed as he slept. As she listened to his gentle snuffling breath, the realization hit her.

  I want a baby one day. I want the peace and the chaos and everything in between.

  ‘Oh, you’re back,’ said Luke, appearing in the living-room doorway, his voice a fraction too loud. Freddy’s eyes sprang open. He stared up at Heather, his face mirroring her own expression of concern.

  ‘Oh no,’ she sighed, unbuckling the straps and lifting Freddy into her arms. Luke eyed the baby like an enemy in his midst and Heather felt her heart sink. Freddy in turn frowned at him with narrow-eyed suspicion. It was as if he could see through to Luke’s soul and didn’t like it one bit. The frown deepened to a scowl and then his whole face dropped as the inevitable crying started up again.

  Luke looked irritated. ‘Why does he keep doing that?’

  Heather was exasperated. ‘I don’t know. He’s probably just missing Gemma and doesn’t like the unfamiliar surroundings.’ Or your attitude. He’s definitely picking up on that. She didn’t know what to do ne
xt but she was pretty sure she wasn’t about to get any help from Luke. ‘I’m going to put him in the travel cot in our room and stay up there until he settles.’

  Luke looked relieved. ‘Okay, baby. Shall I sleep in the spare room? Give you guys some space?’ He made it sound as if he was being kind.

  ‘Fine,’ said Heather flatly. The action of carrying Freddy upstairs seemed to soothe him and Heather did her best to dismiss the nagging feeling that Luke’s absence was helping too. By the time she’d changed him into his sleepsuit and laid him on the bed, he was chatting happily to himself. Heather’s body felt as if it was made of cement so she flopped down on the bed next to him and watched as Freddy blew raspberries and lifted his chubby little legs into the air.

  ‘Oh, Freddy, that didn’t exactly go to plan, did it?’ she said. ‘What if Luke decides that he never wants children? What do I do then? And why am I talking to a baby, expecting him to have all the answers?’

  ‘Edda,’ said Freddy, turning his head to look at her. She smiled. ‘Edda,’ he insisted, his eyes boring into her soul.

  She laughed. ‘You’re saying my name.’

  ‘Edda,’ he repeated slowly. Yeah, duh, lady. I’m not stupid.

  ‘That’s right,’ she said, kissing him on the cheek. ‘Heather. I’m Heather and it feels as if my world is coming apart at the seams. Please will you help me?’

  ‘Edda,’ said Freddy, grasping one of her fingers and squeezing it tightly.

  She smiled. ‘That’ll do for now,’ she said.

  Chapter Eleven

  Fran

  Happiness List Thing

  1. Accept a world without Andy (too soon!)

  2. ‘Digital Detox’ day with kids

  3. Go on even more walks with Alan

  4. Have dinner with a nice man (NOT a date) & laugh if appropriate

  ‘Oh beloved children, could you come down here please? I have doughnuts!’

  ‘Yay, I love doughnuts!’ cried Charlie, bouncing down the stairs and skipping into the dining room where Fran had placed a large pitcher of peach iced tea, a plate of custard doughnuts and three plates. ‘Ooh, fancy,’ she added, gesturing at the plates.

  ‘Yes well, I know we usually eat them straight from the bag but I thought we’d adopt a more civilized approach today,’ said Fran.