Someone Like You

by Syd Parker

  “I didn’t mean…”

  “Don’t worry about it.” Aspen forced a smile that didn’t even begin to mask her pain. She gestured at Lex’s plate, still full of spaghetti. “Let’s just eat and try to enjoy tonight, okay?”

  Lex sensed Aspen shutting down and knew she had pushed too far. “Yeah, sure.” She tried to eat, but the hunger that she had two minutes before had been replaced by a solid rock of guilt sitting in the pit of her stomach. After several more attempts, she set the plate down on the coffee table and grabbed her glass.

  “Not hungry?” Aspen eyed the plate with feigned nonchalance. She knew very well that neither of them was hungry anymore. Her own stomach was an unsettled ball of nerves.

  Lex shook her head. “It was good. I just can’t eat right now.”

  “Me neither.” Aspen set her plate down beside Lex’s and sighed loudly. “I guess we are never going to get this right.”

  Lex’s laughed nervously. “No, I suppose not.” She twirled her glass in her hand, losing herself in the dancing light of the fire.

  Aspen studied Lex’s profile, soft amber light illuminating the angles of her face. “You wanted to tell me something?”

  Lex turned at the question and tried to smile, but it wouldn’t come. “Yes, but it can wait.” Her nerves were raw, and she wasn’t sure that this was the time to bring up her news. She had already managed to ruin what was an otherwise pleasant evening and one of the last ones they would be spending together…if things continued as they were now.

  “Lex.” Aspen put her hand on Lex’s arm. “I’m sorry. We can still salvage this night. You can talk to me about anything.”

  “Even about Cass?” Lex asked quietly.

  Aspen swallowed the lump in her throat. She knew she needed to be Lex’s friend, at least for now, no matter how hard it was to hear about her shared life with another woman. After the divorce, they could go their separate ways. Aspen nodded her ascent. “Especially about Cass.” She pulled her hand away, wrapping her arms around her knees and holding them to her body. She rested her chin on her interlocked arms and waited for the dark feeling she knew would come.

  Lex could hear the tremor in her voice, and her heart clenched painfully. She wanted to gather Aspen into her arms and hold her until the hurt was gone, but she resisted the urge to touch her. “This past few days with Cass I tried to listen to what you said. You know about loving her better than you.”

  Aspen blinked back tears. “Yes?” She urged Lex to keep talking. She needed to hear this to heal.

  Lex swallowed loudly, her mouth suddenly very dry. “I spent the weekend looking at our life together-our place, our friends, everything that we shared, and I came to one huge conclusion. I can’t love her better than you.” Lex paused, gauging Aspen’s reaction and when she didn’t say anything, Lex plowed forward. “I’ve spent the last three years fooling myself. I tried to give myself to Cass, but all these years I’ve held part of me back. The part of me that I gave to you so long ago.”

  Aspen squeezed her knees more tightly. She felt her self-control starting to unravel. The hopeful expression on Lex’s face unsettled her even more. She opened her mouth to reply when Lex stopped her.

  “I…it’s not fair to Cass to stick around when I can’t give her all of me. I ended it with her, Aspen. I want…no, I need to be with you.” Lex’s stomach clenched nervously. “I want another chance with you. I want to prove that I can love you like you deserve to be loved. I fucked up and I know I don’t deserve your love, but I can’t stop from wanting you. I can’t stop loving you.”

  Aspen blinked back tears. She heard the words, felt them in her heart, but something held her back. Fear, anger, hurt, pride, maybe a little of all of those mixed together. Everything Lex was saying she had longed to hear…five years ago. Now, as much as she wanted to forget the time that had passed and let Lex in, she couldn’t. The words sliced through her soul with so much pain that she trembled. She couldn’t let herself be hurt again, no matter how much she still loved Lex.

  “Please say something.” Lex’s eyes pleaded with her, desperation haunting her face. “Please say we have a chance. I know we can make it work this time.”

  Aspen shook her head. “I can’t, Lex. I’m sorry. You need to move on.”

  “I can’t.” A single tear streamed down Lex’s cheek, and she made no motion to wipe it away. “I can’t let go of you. I can’t move on. Aspen, please.”

  “Please?” Aspen asked sarcastically. “Please what? Please don’t walk out on you. Please don’t turn my back on you. Please don’t rip your heart out. What, Lex? Tell me what you would like me to do to make you okay.” The hurt was too much to control any longer, and it fueled her anger. “Why couldn’t you say that to me five years ago? I know I said I was okay with this, but I’m not. I’m working to get past it and move on with my life, but for now, it fucking sucks. It’s too late, Lex and I think it pisses me off that you would come back and say it to me now.”

  “I know I messed up; I will regret that to the day I die. But please don’t punish us both. I love you, and I’m pretty sure you still love me.” Lex’s eyes pleaded with Aspen. “We can be something wonderful.”

  Aspen shook her head, her lips quivering with emotion. “We were something wonderful, Lex. We had something magical. Now, we have the memory of that.” Aspen felt herself calming down. She couldn’t stay angry at Lex, not when she had decided to move forward with her life. If she stayed upset, she was letting the past control her, and she refused to do that. She grabbed Lex’s hands between hers and forced a smile. “I’m honored, Lex. Really, I am, but this isn’t what I want anymore. I think there’s something wonderful waiting for me, and if I keep looking back, I’ll never see what’s in front of me. Cass may not have been the one for you, but I’m not either…not anymore.”

  “I respectfully disagree.” Lex interjected quietly. She almost wished that Aspen’s anger would have stayed near the surface rather than the sudden calm that had overtaken her. At least then she had a chance. Now Lex knew she had made up her mind and no amount of talking was going to change that.

  “It’s okay.” Aspen smiled. “We’ve been known to do that, disagree, I mean. But this is my life, and I have to live it my way. You know we got to a pretty good place, you and I and I’d like to go back there. We are good as friends, Lex. Let’s just work on that.”

  Lex’s chin dropped to her chest. Friends. It wasn’t exactly where she saw this conversation going tonight; actually, it was pretty much the opposite of where she wanted it to go. She glanced up and saw the determined set of Aspen’s jaw and knew she had lost. She nodded her ascent. “I would like that.” Even as she said the words, she knew she was lying. She didn’t want to be Aspen’s friend. She wanted to be her lover again. It wasn’t the do-over she wanted, but it was a start. A start she felt like she could work with and build on, and when the time came, she would try again to convince Aspen that they belonged together. For now, she would concede defeat. For now.

  “Thank you.” Aspen smiled sadly. She knew that even though she was moving on, there was a huge part of her that Lex would always have. They were destined to be in each other’s lives, one way or another. Their hearts would be forever bound, like twin stars pulled from the sky, sent to separate corners of the world. That she knew with all her heart, and she accepted the truth of it with quiet resignation. She wouldn’t fight that, but she would protect her heart from ever hurting that way again. She was silent several moments before she chuckled softly. “Guess I ruined dinner.”

  Lex shook her head and smiled. “Yeah, I guess you did. Nice going.” She rubbed her stomach and groaned. “And damn, it tasted so good too.”

  Aspen leaned back against the couch and sighed. “Popcorn?”

  “Sure.” Lex leaned back against the couch and nudged Aspen’s shoulder. “We’re gonna be okay, aren’t we?”

  Aspen didn’t respond immediately, playing their lives in her head before she answered.
She knew they would be okay. It was going to be a strange transition to a friendship between them, but it was a change they needed. “Yeah, we are going to be okay.”

  Chapter 17

  “Yes, Mom. I will be fine.” Aspen rolled her eyes. Ever since their decision to move, her mother called her almost daily to check on her. Initially, it was a welcome change. However, now, after forty-five minutes on the phone, for the third time that day, Aspen had had enough. “You guys enjoy the holiday in the warmth.”

  “Will Lex be there?” Susan asked quickly. “I don’t want you to be alone.”

  “Mom, seriously, I’m fine.” Aspen sighed loudly. “Besides, I’m not certain what Lex’s plans are. I’m sure she will be spending Christmas with her family.”

  “I’m sure you could tag along.” Susan made the suggestion with a hopeful tone. She felt somewhat guilty that they had picked now to check out retirement villages in Florida, but the idea of spending a week away from the frigid winter temperatures had been too enticing to pass up.

  “I’m not tagging along to someone else’s family Christmas. Can you please just accept that I’m an adult, and I will be okay? Please.” Aspen’s tone bordered on exasperation, and she hoped her mother didn’t pick up on it. She meant what she said. She was actually completely fine with spending Christmas alone. It wasn’t like they did much for the holiday anyway. Now that she was an adult, they didn’t exchange presents. There wasn’t anything they needed, and if they wanted something, they just bought it.

  “Okay, okay.” Susan laughed. “I won’t push anymore. I know you will be fine. I’ll leave you alone, but if you need us, just call.”

  “I will.” Aspen smiled into the phone. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you too, honey. I’ll call you on Christmas morning.”

  “Okay, bye.” Aspen hit end on the phone and laid it on the counter. She shook her head, unable to keep the amusement off her face. Her mother could be so annoying sometimes, but it was nice to know that she cared as much as she did.

  “You could come home with me for Christmas, you know.”

  “Huh?”

  Lex sat down across from Aspen. “Mom wouldn’t care.”

  “You heard that?” Aspen leaned down on her elbows and laced her fingers together. She rested her chin on her hands and smiled at Lex. “No offense to Maria, but one holiday was enough this year.”

  “You sure?” Lex searched Aspen’s face for an answer. Finding none, she waited silently.

  Aspen nodded and took the opportunity to study Lex. She was dressed in an old black turtleneck, and Aspen was momentarily thrown off by how beautiful she looked. It took her several seconds to respond and several more before her traitorous heart stopped pounding out of her chest. “Yes, I’m sure.” Although, when she said it, it was followed by a brief moment of doubt. It would feel good to spend time with Lex. They only had a couple of weeks left before they could begin the divorce proceedings. Plus, the end of the football season meant playoffs and that meant Lex would be gone more than she was around. Aspen pursed her lips with renewed determination. This was her time, and she needed to spend it her way. “I’m going to finish a few more pieces. March is right around the corner, and I still need ten more pieces for the show.”

  “Okay.” Lex accepted her no with disappointment. It had been a week since their talk and while she didn’t expect Aspen to change her mind, she had at least hoped that there would be a sign that their friendship might develop into something else. Sadly, Aspen was nothing more than friendly, no hint of any romantic interest at all.

  “Besides, someone needs to stay and look after the girls. Soon enough, they are going to be all my responsibility.” Aspen fiddled with the edges of a kitchen towel before throwing it down in mock exasperation. “What? Why are you staring at me?”

  Lex shrugged. “Because you’re beautiful. Is it a crime to stare?”

  Aspen blushed. “It is if I’m the object of your stares. Go make yourself busy. I’ll get dinner started.”

  “Sure thing, boss.” Lex smiled wryly then spun on her heal. She picked up her overnight bag and headed to her room. Before she rounded the corner, she looked over her shoulder and shouted back in the kitchen. “Remind me to tell you about the job offer I got.”

  “’Kay. Hey, how does grilled cheese and basil tomato soup sound?” Aspen had already started taking the beginnings of the meal out of the fridge when she thought to ask if it was okay. It shouldn’t matter since she was the cook, she should have the pick of what they ate, but here she was still deferring to Lex on decisions as minor as dinner.

  “What?” Lex came around the corner and plunked down on her customary stool.

  “I was just asking if grilled cheese and soup were okay. But then I decided it was good.” Aspen smirked at the look of disbelief on Lex’s face. “Hey, when you start playing chef, you can make the menu.”

  “What?” Lex’s mouth dropped in shock. “The steaks I made were killer.”

  “Oh yeah, they were wicked good.” Aspen teased in her affected Maine accent. “But you still have no say in the kitchen.”

  “And this is where I’m supposed to be sad I don’t get to cook all the time?” Lex waggled her eyebrows teasingly. “Sorry, you know I’m much better on this side of the kitchen then where you are. If it were up to me, we would have lived on bologna sandwiches, pop tarts, beef jerky and the occasional filet.”

  “Oh, lord.” Aspen dropped a bit of basil in the tomato soup that was warming on the stove then started layering slices of Havarti on sourdough bread. “You’ll just have to eat what I put in front of you.”

  “For now?” Lex asked quietly. “That’s only three more weeks, unless…”

  Aspen stilled, her body suddenly rigid. “Lex, we talked about this.”

  “I know.” Lex’s defeated tone spoke volumes. This wasn’t the choice she would have made, but then Aspen wouldn’t have chosen to leave all those years ago. “You just want friendship.”

  Aspen felt her chest tighten. She busied herself with dinner. She couldn’t turn around and face the look in Lex’s eyes. There was too much heartbreak between them and the sooner she moved on the better. But that thought didn’t make it any easier to face the woman she had loved for so long. She flexed her hands, willing the tremors to stop. It would do her no good to fall apart right now. It took her several minutes to calm down and even longer for her breathing to return to normal. When she finally turned around, there was a glass of wine waiting for her on the island, and Lex had moved to the living room to give her some space.

  There were no words between them as they ate. They merely stared at the fire, wrapped up in their own thoughts. Aspen wasn’t sure how long they sat there before she broke the silence. “So tell me about this new job.”

  “Oh yeah.” Lex smiled, and her brown eyes danced excitedly. “I’m coming off the road.”

  “Seriously?” Lex had freed her hair from her standard ponytail and it flowed around her face, framing her elegant cheek bones and accentuating her golden skin. Aspen felt her breath catch again, lost in her beauty. She knew she was staring, but she couldn’t help it. If Lex noticed she had chosen to let it pass without a comment.

  Lex could feel Aspen’s gaze locked on her face, and it made her stomach jump excitedly. She knew at that moment; she could have reached over and captured Aspen’s lips against hers. She could see the emotion boiling just below the surface and knew with only the slightest bit of insisting; she could make Aspen’s hers again. But it wasn’t fair to take what she was almost certain Aspen didn’t know she was offering. Being so close and yet so infinitely far away hurt her deeply, and she dragged her eyes away, breaking the intimate moment they had shared.

  Aspen felt the exact second that the connection was broken, thankful that Lex had the strength to turn away. At that moment, she didn’t trust herself to do the right thing; at least what she hoped was the right thing. However confused she was before, this new gray space they sh
ared was even more bewildering. She knew that Lex wanted her back but her fear of getting hurt was keeping them apart. It was sad really. The two of them had always been able to talk, but sharing their fears and working through them together, that was a different thing all together. Neither of them had been able to put those feelings on the table and each time it had driven them apart. She shook her head. It would do no good to beat this horse into the ground. She had made up her mind, and she was determined to stick to her choice, no matter how devastatingly handsome Lex looked with the firelight dancing on her face. She rubbed her palms on her jeans and laughed nervously. “What are you going to be doing now?”

  Lex drained her wineglass and set it down on the coffee table. “I’m going to be a staff columnist for ESPN magazine.”

  Aspen didn’t need to hear the excitement in her voice or see the twinkle in her eyes to know that this was a big deal. She could tell just from the energy brimming right below the surface. “That’s awesome! I’m so proud of you. Are you okay not traveling all the time?”

  “Yeah, I think so. Cass…” Lex stopped but Aspen’s hand on her arm prompted her to continue. “Cass always wanted me off the road, but I never wanted it before this.”

  “Well she will be super excited.” Aspen’s voice trembled.

  “A, we aren’t together anymore.” Lex said quietly, her eyes searching Aspen’s for her response.

  “I know.” Aspen pulled away physically and emotionally. “I think you should try to get her back.”

  Lex didn’t reply. She leaned back on the couch and crossed her hands over her stomach. She stared at the ceiling for several beats before she turned her head, and her gaze pierced into Aspen. “Tell me why.”

  “Well, she loves you for one.” Aspen ticked off on her fingers. “Two, she puts up with you.”

  Lex’s laughter filled the air. “And I’m so hard to put up with?”

  “You can be.” Aspen smiled wickedly. “You can be such a bear when you’re about to blow your deadline.”