Free Bird

by Amelia Oliver

  I think we, the young ones, the Vietnam vets, are respected by the people of Plantain, and that’s what’s been helping us. We still get glares from some, but for the most part, making the business’ more accessible and open have in turn made us accepted by other local business owners. The strip club is something we’ve been promoting more at truck stops and within state circulars and not really in Plantain, and we’ve managed to take Diamond Dan’s out of the red. I can tell Ivan’s pleased with this and therefore, pleased with me. However, while in gathering, I can see in Owen’s eyes that he’s not necessarily pleased with the attention his dad gives me. Or maybe, it’s what happened last night that has him not meeting my eyes when Ivan asks me about profits for the month.

  I wonder if I should talk to him about it, but think maybe today isn’t the best for that. I’m already fucked in the head over it and don’t want to talk about it, and if I’m being honest, I don’t want to talk about it with him for some reason.

  **

  “Wanna stay for a beer?” Joseph asks, as we walk out back into the bar.

  Owen had to tell everyone what happened last night, every detail and how Milton had given his blessing. Ivan wasn’t happy. He doesn’t like us getting the MC involved with anything without him knowing or at least asking approval from everyone. Much to my relief, he focused all his disapproval on his son and not me or Joseph. I don’t think I could handle knowing Ivan was pissed at me on top of the guilt I already feel.

  “Nah, Missy wants to go see The Exorcist. You and Gwen wanna come?”

  “Fuck no, we went while you guys were gone. It’s fucked up, man,” he says, with a look on his face like he’s recalling the movie. “What we were saying earlier, about last night, just if you wanna talk more,” he adds.

  “Yeah, I’ll be around tonight.”

  “Sounds good, brother,” he replies. “Oh, and Sven? Fuck Jasper,” he comments and I give him a chin tip.

  Walking out to my bike, I nearly stop dead in my tracks when I see my mom sitting on my bike, and rage fills my veins.

  “Get off,” I growl, walking toward her.

  “Oh, my sweet boy, Sven, søt gutt,” she coos, as she attempts to cup my cheeks.

  “Get off,” I repeat, deflecting her hands.

  “I’ve missed you,” she begins.

  One, I know she’s stoned, and two, there are so many things I want to say in response but don’t. Like, you missed me so much that you’ve neglected me and acted as if I never existed my entire life.

  “I heard you got a girly now. I’d love to meet her,” she slurs, raising her hand up again.

  I grab her wrist and bare my teeth. “You won’t ever meet her.”

  My mom’s brows furrow and I see the anger she’s always shown me come to the surface.

  “You won’t ever be good enough for her. I don’t know her, but I know you won’t ever make her happy. She won’t ever love you because you’re unlovable.”

  And there’s her true self. The mom I’ve always known. I don’t want her words to have an effect on me, but fuck. My grip tightens on her wrist until I see her wince and fight to free herself. My nostrils flair as my blood pumps and I finally let her arm go after a long moment.

  Turning, I head back into the clubhouse. Fuck her, she’s wrong. I am loveable, Missy loves me. Then why won’t she marry you? My inner demon whispers in my ear. You know she loves you, you don’t need to be married to her to know that. Missy and Sweetie love you, they love you. But they don’t know you, they don’t know the killer you are, the piece of shit your parents created. You aren’t a football star anymore, not making something with your life anymore. You’re a killer. A deadbeat, a loser, a killer, a killer, a killer.

  18

  MISSY

  “I guess the guys are at the clubhouse. You wanna go?” Gwen asks.

  “Sure, let me see if Sofia can come over and hang out with Sweetie,” I reply.

  I wasn’t worried when Sven didn’t come home this afternoon, I knew he was at the clubhouse and I knew sometimes they lost track of time. I call the neighbor girl, Sofia, who’s watched Sweetie a few times now. She’s fifteen and loves reading mythical books with Sweetie, so much that she sometimes just comes over to read to her. I get them set up with microwave dinners and some coca-cola, and we leave them in front of the television.

  Gwen drives us to the clubhouse in my Gremlin and we smoke a joint on the drive. Walking into the club, I stop dead in my tracks. What the fuck? I see Sven sitting at one of the tables…with Tippy on his lap. I feel my blood boil, scalding my veins with how angry I am right now. He looks at me and I look right back at him. I’m a little too messed up now to feel the need to duke it out with him. Whatever. It’s likely he’s fucked up too or just trying to make me mad for some reason.

  So, I do the worst thing I know to do to him: ignore him. I make my way across to the other side of the club. He can’t see me over here but you can bet your ass I can see him. Satisfaction strikes me as a few minutes after I’ve disappeared, I see Sven casting Tippy off, practically pushing her off his lap.

  I don’t understand this. He knows I fucking hate her. Why is he trying to make me jealous? Because that’s gotta be what this is, right? I thought we were good. I thought Hawaii helped us stitch up the rift we had. Apparently not. But I don’t want to talk to him now, I just want to have fun and deal with this later. I find Gwen over by Joseph playing pool and head toward her. We watch Joseph and another guy play and I can just feel Sven’s eyes on me, but he doesn’t come over. I do well not to pay attention to him, or notice what he’s doing. But when I do sneak a peek as me and Gwen head toward the apartments to use the bathroom, I see him sitting alone and drinking a beer. His head is down and he just seems…not himself. The urge to talk to him is overwhelming, but something’s stopping me. He was giving off the vibe for me to fuck off when he had Tippy purposely sitting on his lap.

  Gwen, Shine, and I are standing in the hallway sharing a cigarette while Gwen fixes her lipstick in her compact, talking about last night’s episode of the Sonny and Cher show. The goings on from the main area filter down to us in a muffled sound, but approaching footsteps become overpowering and we all look over to see Jasper stomping toward us. Immediately Shine puts her hands out. I take in the look on his face: red cheeks, veins in his temple and forehead pulsating, eyes wide and wild.

  “You!” he growls

  “Jas, come on!”

  They speak over each other as his hands grip her shoulders and walks her back, and then I see arms flying and their voices become shouts. Gwen and I stand there opened mouthed and in shock as the events play out before us. Jasper throws Shine into the door of an apartment that gives way, sending her through the door. They disappear into the room at the same moment our brains kick in and Gwen and I run after them.

  Shine’s on the floor as Jasper stands over her with his raised fist in the air. Gwen jumps on his back, wrapping her arms and legs around him, causing him to stand and attempt to shake her off. She covers his face with her hands as he pushes back into the wall and she lets out a grunt. My eyes dart around the room, looking for anything I can use as a weapon and they land on a solid crystal ashtray. Grabbing it off the dresser I step toward them, raising the weapon above my head with both hands as Gwen tucks her head behind his shoulder and I bring the ashtray down onto the top of his head. He blinks and looks at me, his eyes dazed before he shakes his head to clear it. I stand there in shock at what I’ve just done. I’m on the verge of apologizing when his eyes narrow and his lips curl into a snarl, taking a step toward me, I raise the ashtray again, hitting the side of his face this time. He still grabs me and I just keep bringing the ashtray down on his face over and over until his hands let me go.

  He drops to the floor and Gwen and I just look down at him, before Gwen moves toward Shine laying on the floor across from Jasper. She helps her up and I move to her other side as we escort her out into the hallway and into Joseph’s apartment. Shine�
�s got a black eye for sure. It’s swollen and beginning to discolor.

  “I’ll go get some ice,” Gwen announces before leaving us.

  I run my hand down the back of Shine’s hair and watch as she tilts her head back and looks up at the ceiling. Her eyes are filled with pain and heartache but she’s not crying.

  “What was that all about?” Gwen asks, returning with a bag of frozen peas from the kitchen.

  “He thinks I’m cheating on him with Owen,” Shine sniffles.

  “And?” I ask, after exchanging glances with Gwen.

  “What do you think?” Shine says with a humorless laugh.

  “Yes,” Gwen and I say simultaneously.

  “Why don’t you leave his ass?” Gwen asks.

  “He said he’d kill me if I left…and Owen, everyone.”

  “Owen and the guys wouldn’t let that happen,” I tell her. “Look at you,” I say, taking her face in my hands. “This isn’t you. You don’t smile anymore, you don’t come out anymore. He’s already killed you Shine.”

  Her eyes close as she takes a deep breath, pulling away.

  “Got any dope?” she asks with a sniffle.

  Once the peas have thawed, I volunteer to go to the kitchen and return them to the freezer. I didn’t partake in the pot smoking, so I’d like to get some fresh air.

  “What the fuck is going on?” Sven’s voice startles me. He must’ve been waiting for me.

  “Jasper was beating Shine, so Gwen and I took care of him,” I shrug a shoulder.

  “You think this is a game? Now I gotta kiss Jasper’s ass so he won’t come after you. I told you to leave it alone!” he growls, moving in front of me.

  “Well, if you and Joseph took care of it to begin with-”

  “Don’t you fucking talk to me about what I needed to do,” he cuts me off. “This isn’t some high school drama, Jasper’s fucking nuts and you’ve just enraged the bull, do you understand that? Of course, you don’t, because you still live in fucking la-la land where everything’s the way you want it to be.”

  My eyes narrow and I feel my temper begin to flair.

  “Oh, well my la-la land managed to see you and Tippy getting all cozy when I came in, so fuck off.”

  I side step him and head for the kitchen again. After grabbing another pack of frozen vegetables from the freezer, I also snag a bottle of tequila on my way through, deciding that it might help end this shit-show of a night soon.

  I don’t know how much later Gwen and I leave the party, since we sat with Shine in the apartment the entire time. Seeing her bruised face and recalling her words about how she can’t leave Jasper, takes my mind off the shit with Sven for the most part…so does the tequila. It numbs me a little, but not enough.

  Lying in bed that night, I’m still too revved up from Sven’s behavior and what happened earlier to really be calm enough for sleep. Eventually, I feel the stillness of slumber creeping in and let it flow over me…until I hear a bike engine roaring down the street. I have to admit, I’m shocked he would even come home tonight. Sweetie’s home and I know Sven hasn’t come here for an argument since he’d never incite something like that with her around. Closing my eyes, I will sleep to come back, but my heart is racing and my brain is running and I can’t do anything but prepare for him. Maybe he’ll sleep on the couch. But I then hear his boots coming up the wood steps and I know he’s coming to bed. He’s got a lot of nerve, especially after consorting with Tippy, my arch nemesis. He thinks he can just come here and lay in bed with me like she wasn’t all over him. Maybe he did come for a fight after all.

  The moonlight shines in the huge windows at the head of the bed, practically spotlighting Sven as he opens the bedroom door and closes it. The scent of smoke, beer, sweat and leather invade my nostrils and it adds to my annoyance. He doesn’t look at me, either knowing I’m still awake and not caring if I am or not. Peeling of his clothes one layer at a time, he sits on the bed with a groan as he takes off his boots. His bare back faces me and for a moment I want to crawl up behind him and kiss his tan skin, hold him tight and just let everything go. But I resist and instead watch as he flops back onto the bed, not saying anything. I lay there, we lay there, in silence. He has to know I’m awake at this point. I turn my head to see him looking up at the ceiling, his arms raised above his head, the muscles of his biceps and torso shadowed in the moonlight and he’s so fucking tempting. For a moment, I want to crawl over him, then, I remember Tippy and his bullshit from tonight.

  “I can’t believe you’d come into this bed without showering after you let that skank touch you,” I huff. Way to let shit go Missy.

  He lets out a small rush of breath through his nose, like a laugh or a snort. I roll onto my side, effectively giving him my back.

  “Why not? I’m not married.”

  My anger reaches the boiling point and I growl as I sit up.

  “Are you fucking kidding me?”

  “No, Missy, I’m not. I wanted to see if you even gave a shit anymore,” he says with a straight face. His complete and utter seriousness makes me wonder if he’s drunk.

  “You were testing me?” I ask, because I know he didn’t just say that.

  “I want to get married. I don’t know how many times or ways I have to ask you for you to realize this,” he says, as he sits up and gets out of bed.

  “I thought we agreed in Hawaii that we’re committed but marriage can wait?”

  “I just said that. I lied okay! I don’t know what I need to do for you, who I need to be, or what I need to provide, but I’m starting to think you’re just holding onto me until something better comes along!”

  “I don’t ever wanna be married, okay!”

  The argument dies on his lips as I cover my mouth with my hands, even though anything more that I want to say couldn’t force its way through my closed throat. This fact, this truth has been sitting like a rock on my stomach since we met. But I’d hoped, like one does when she doesn’t want to acknowledge a truth, that not saying anything would make it go away, disappear. I feel sick knowing that Sven won’t forgive me for this. How could he?

  “Are you fucking serious?”

  Inhaling deeply, readying myself for this battle, I pull my hands down and finally look at him. His eyes are a mix of confusion and anger, his hands are on his hips as he stands there waiting for me to answer. Before I can manage to say anything, he speaks.

  “Maybe because you were worried I wouldn’t waste my time with not just a single mother to a kid I was convinced was her sister, but also a woman who doesn’t want to be married?”

  I close my eyes. Sven’s words and the way he’s looking at me, his tone. It’s devastating…but I deserve them.

  “I don't know what love is without conditions, Sven! If you win this pageant, then I'll love you forever. Tell mommy you didn't see this, please, I love you. Love’s always been used as a bargaining tool. If I did something for them, then they'd love me. No one ever just loved me for me or because I was loveable, but because they could use love to hate each other even more. You love me because you want to be married, but why can’t you just love me as-is?”

  “You’re so fucking selfish,” he growls.

  “Yes! I’m selfish! I was raised by selfish people, Sven!”

  He lets out an aggravated sigh, shaking his head before pinning me with his eyes. “I can’t do this.”

  “Then leave, I don’t need you. Sweetie and I will be fine.”

  “This is what I’m talking about, fucking selfish. Sweetie is my daughter too goddammit. She needs me and I need her. Can’t you just think about her for once-”

  “She’s all I ever think about!” I blurt out, my voice breaking as emotion and anger explode inside me. “I didn’t marry her dad just to be married and make everyone else happy. I didn’t give one shit that he’d be a terrible husband, I knew he’d be a terrible father! I told him I was pregnant and he didn’t give a shit, just wanted me and his unborn baby to disappear! I took her away
from my parents because Gaye was going to turn her into a robot. I’ve worked two and three jobs to support her and keep her clothed-”

  “But you didn’t need to do that when you left your parents and came with me! I could’ve supported you both, but you had too much pride to let me take care of her and you. Yes, your mom was a fucking bitch, but she took care of Sweetie. She would’ve been fine there with your mom and dad.”

  My breath catches, his words hitting my chest like a fucking axe to a tree. “Are you questioning me as a parent? You think she would’ve been better off with them?” My voice is a whisper as I swallow thickly and my eyes water.

  “Do I think she’d been in a more stable household with them?” he asks. “Yes, absolutely.”

  “I don’t see you trying to make things more ‘stable’,” I air quote, my voice once again finding strength with defensiveness.

  “I do what I can, Missy. I’m not perfect, but I can tell you that that girl will want for nothing. And I’ll always be her dad no matter if you shack up with some other guy or go back to her real dad. I grew up like she is. It sucked, but it won’t break her.”

  I honestly can’t believe this or him. Was he really thinking this the whole time we’ve been together and just never said anything? Or is this just because he’s drunk? When I don’t say anything, he throws his hands in the air.

  “I swear to God, Faye, if you were anyone else, I’d be fucking done with you,” he tells me.

  “Be done with me then!” I holler, my voice cracking with emotion.

  He shakes his head and lets out an aggravated sigh, the words he wants to say, the fight he wants to put up are written all over his face. But all he says is;

  “You’re so fucking selfish, Missy.”