Free Bird

by Amelia Oliver

  All I can do is look at him in disbelief and it doesn’t surprise me when he begins tugging his clothes on.

  “Fuck this,” he huffs before leaving the room.

  19

  Missy

  Shine sits down on the white sheepskin rug, tucking her legs under the wooden coffee table and retrieves her tarot cards from a box on the top. Fleetwood Mac is playing on the record player and I hum along. Since coming to Plantain, my musical tastes have expanded and I find myself liking more current music than I used to. When Shine called us to come over, I was worried Jasper would be there and although I’m not regretful of us ganging up on him at the party, I still don’t want to deal with him. But she assures us he should be gone for the day, so I set aside my uneasiness and go over.

  Her amethysts and incense are also in the box, so Shine lights a stick and places it over the rocks, then shuffles the cards. She’s recently become obsessed with psychics, palm reading and crystal balls. I’ve yet to let her do a reading on me, partially because I didn’t like knowing my future and because I’m scared she’s going to tell me something bad. She read Gwen’s cards when she started learning and told her she was going to have fourteen kids, so I’m a little skeptical.

  I can’t get over the massive fight with Sven from last night. How badly I fucked up. I want to talk about it, but I don’t want to talk about it.

  Gwen hands me a cup of tea and we sit down on the couch that’s covered in a white bed sheet, just across from Shine. Tucking my feet under me, I sip the tea and look over at Gwen who’s blowing across the top of her tea cup.

  “I’m almost done with those new macramé plant holders for you,” Shine says before flicking her eyes up at me.

  “Thank you,” I reply and give her a smile.

  “What’s wrong?” Gwen asks.

  I begin to reply when the front door bangs open followed by, “Shine!”

  It’s Jasper. Even though we can’t see him from where we’re sitting. The loud intrusion has me and Gwen startling and sitting up, both of us spilling hot tea onto our hands and laps.

  “Shit,” Gwen curses, reaching over and grabbing a crocheted doily off the coffee table to wipe her hand.

  I look around and between the two of them while my heart pounds like a jack rabbit. Shine didn’t startle though. She doesn’t even look surprised. But rather, she looks defeated as she slowly rises off the floor.

  “Shine!” he repeats, and she hurries out of the room, speaking to him in a low tone out of sight.

  Setting my tea cup on the table, I clean the tea off my bare thighs with the swipe of my hand and then grab the cigarettes and Shine’s lighter sitting on the coffee table. I can hear Jasper talking in a way that’s low but clearly angry, but can’t make out the exact words.

  “What’s his problem?” I ask Gwen, clicking the lighter and inhaling the burning tobacco.

  “Who knows. I heard him the other day at the clubhouse, drunk, yelling at a prospect about, ‘watching her,’” she says, finger quoting the last bit.

  “What does that mean?” I ask, quirking my brow.

  “Like the guy was checking out Shine, I guess,” she shrugs.

  “Or he wanted the guy to keep an eye on her,” I correct.

  “You think?” Gwen asks, also lighting a cigarette.

  “I don’t know. You know, I’ve never liked him,” I say, lowering my voice. “Aside from the abusive shit, he’s just always made me feel weird,” I confess.

  “Me too!” Gwen replies.

  “I wish she’d just dump his butt,” I add with a whisper.

  As I finish the words, the bedroom door on the other side of the house slams shut and Shine reappears in the living room doorway.

  “Sorry to cut this short, but Jas and me need to talk and he really isn’t happy with you guys about what happened at the clubhouse. So, it’s probably better you leave now before he really gets going about it again,” she tells us without looking at us.

  “Shine,” I say softly as both Gwen and I stand. “I want you to come live with us. I know you said you’d think about it, but I really think it’s best.”

  She nods and swallows thickly, looking up between me and Gwen before rolling her eyes and smiling. “I’ll see you guys later.”

  We begin the walk home, and it’s only after we pass a few houses that Gwen’s asking me again what’s wrong.

  “I told him, Gwen. Told him I don’t want to get married,” I sigh. “I fucked up.”

  “No, you didn’t,” she replies, putting her arm over my shoulders.

  “I just love Sven so much and so does Sweetie. I don’t want to lose him, but how can he want to be with me when I have all this shit I don’t tell him, first with Sweetie and now this.”

  “He loves you, too. Just let him digest. It’s not like he’s about to let you go; I can’t see him doing that.”

  ***

  Earlier in the day, Sweetie asked me if she could sleep over at Ida’s and I said of course. After I picked her up from school this afternoon, we went over there and I spent some time catching up with Ida and eating dinner, before kissing Sweetie goodnight and heading home. When I got to the house, no one was home. I wasn’t sure where Gwen and Joseph had gone and I had no idea where Sven was. I tidied up and folded some laundry, then sat in bed working on a crossword puzzle before drifting to sleep.

  I wake to weight on top of me, a heavy weight along my body and pressure on my throat.

  “Shut the fuck up, don’t talk.”

  It’s Sven. His words and tone have my eyes opening. He looks like shit, and I gasp hard as I see a knife in one of his hands.

  “Do you know where they are?” he whispers.

  “What?” I ask as my face contorts with confusion.

  “Don’t fuck with me. Do you know where they are?”

  Bringing my hands up to his chest, I push in an attempt to put some distance between us. His eyes are wild, he doesn’t even look like himself, and it’s terrifying.

  “Sven,” I pant. “You’re scaring me.”

  With that, something in his eyes clears and he blinks repeatedly. Leaning back and sitting on his haunches, he looks down at me and then around the room. The knife falls to the floor with a clatter as he drops it. Covering his face with his hands, he then falls beside me and buries his face against my chest. My arms close around him, my mouth open in shock and confusion because I have no idea what’s going on.

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he repeats over and over.

  All I can do is pet his hair and say, “It’s okay.”

  “I see them, the faces of the people I killed there…the faces, the people,” he rambles, speaking incoherently until, in a matter of minutes, he’s passed out.

  I’m restless all night, thinking about what happened and what’s wrong with Sven. Once he’s out, I get up and inspect the knife. It’s not one I’ve seen before, but it’s definitely for hunting or something. Then I see U.S. ARMY engraved on one side. Was that what he was talking about? The war?

  Because I’m still uncomfortable and on edge from what happened. I get up and dress, walking over to Ida and Ivan’s to get Sweetie. When I enter the house, Ida’s at the kitchen table while Sweetie eats breakfast before school and the smile she greets me with has my trepidation from last night falling to the back of my mind. I can’t help but wonder if last night was as big of a deal as I feel it is. What if Sweetie had been home? What if he’d gone into her room instead? No, Sven wouldn’t scare her like that. But it wasn’t Sven. He was another person last night, one who didn’t know who I was or where we were.

  I walk Sweetie to school and then head to the grocery store before work. I need to grab a bag of coffee for the office and don’t bother to call Milton and tell him I’ll be a little late. My eyes scan the assorted coffees to find the kind both Milton and I like, when a conversation near the end of the aisle catches my attention.

  “Jill Milton was attacked while she was over in Coral Groves on Friday
night. Owen Lofgren was there apparently and helped her. The Milton’s are all shook up. She’s in the hospital over in Bannister.”

  Blankly, I grab a bag and walk to the register. My mind whirls as I walk toward the station. Everyone’s talking in lowered tones, but maybe that’s just my imagination. Then I wonder if Milton will even be here being that something recently happened in his family, and then feelings of sorrow and heartbreak hit my chest when I enter my part of the office and see Milton sitting behind his desk. I walk closer as he stands and before I know it, I’m hugging him. He just looks lost and broken and I feel like I need to comfort him.

  “I just heard what happened. How is she?”

  “She’s…alive, thank God. If Owen hadn’t been there,” he sighs. “I’m relieved that he and Sven and Joseph took care of the guy-”

  “What?” I ask as I pull back and look at him, our arms still holding one another.

  “Milton!” a female voice jolts us and my head flies toward the office door. I instantly recognize Milton’s girlfriend from the photo on his shelf.

  “Nadine,” he sighs and we step away.

  This is surprising, but we weren’t doing anything. My mind is still focused on what Milton said. She’s staring between us, her beautiful face taking on a look I’d call jealousy, like some pageant girls I knew who felt they were entitled to everything. I share a look with Milton before giving him a small smile and then aim one toward Nadine.

  “I’m Faye. Sorry to meet you under such sad circumstances-”

  She cuts me off. “I know who you are.”

  “Can you make some coffee?” Milton asks me, and I take that as my cue to leave.

  Could whatever they did to the guy who attacked Jill, have triggered something in Sven? I know he was always trying to control some sort of rage he constantly felt bubbling under the surface since the war, but was this related. I think of a million questions I want to ask Sven and hope he comes home tonight, so we can talk. But right now, I’m at work and that’s what I need to do. As I make coffee, I can hear Nadine’s raised voice through the closed door, but not her words. I didn’t know she was back and I feel like I should tell her that nothing between Milton and I was happening just then, but know it probably won’t help. There are too many other things going on that I don’t need to worry about what she thinks of me on top of it all.

  “Faye, I’m gonna be in and out of the office today. When you’re finished you can just head on home for the day,” Milton tells me as he exits his office. Nadine’s not only holding his hand, she’s gripping his arm with her other hand, sending a clear message: back off, he’s mine.

  “Sure. Please let me know if there’s anything your family needs,” I tell him, not paying any attention to her. The man’s sister almost died and you want to show ownership? Get some perspective.

  With that, they leave and I get back to work. Once again, in the quiet of work, my brain takes off and runs wild. It’s a little after one when I finish up and decide I can’t take this anymore, so I pack up my purse to leave. The guys haven’t been working on houses that much, partially because there’s no work available at the moment and because they’ve been doing more work for the club. But I head for home first, thinking Sven just might be there. When I get there however, Joseph’s truck is the only vehicle on the property. When I open the front door, I hear someone cooking in the kitchen.

  “Hello?” I call out.

  “Yeah, in here, Faye,” Joseph replies and I set my purse on a chair by the door.

  Entering the kitchen, he’s shirtless and cooking eggs in the skillet.

  “Want some?” he asks, not looking at me.

  “Sure,” I answer, sitting down at the small four-person table in the corner.

  “We don’t have much,” he adds.

  “Yeah, I gotta go grocery shopping,” I pause and look at his back. “Did something happen, with Jill Milton, I mean?”

  I ask this in a question, although I know something happened. I want to hear it from him. His head turns slightly to show me his profile before returning his attention back to cooking the eggs.

  “Did you see Sven today?” I ask.

  Joseph continues what he’s doing without answering me, then a moment later he plates the eggs and hands me one before he grabs two forks and then sits down across from me.

  “It’s just…he came home last night and was…different.”

  His eyes flick up to meet mine as he puts a forkful of eggs into his mouth.

  “Different how?” His eyes look back to his plate as he chews and prepares more food for his mouth.

  “Aggressive. His eyes were vacant and blank. He was saying weird stuff. I think maybe stuff about the war?”

  As my words come out, I see Joseph’s expression change as his brows furrow and his grip on the fork grows tighter.

  “I’ll talk with him,” he finally says.

  But his words don’t give me any comfort or put me at ease what so ever. Last night, he showed me that something is going on with him that’s out of my comfort zone. I still also feel like things need to settle between us before we talk about the bombshell I dropped on him. I know he’s mad and has every right to be. But I also want him to hear me out, to listen to me and understand, but I just don’t think he will right now, so soon.

  A few days have passed since the night Sven came to bed with a knife, and I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. I was waiting to hear if Joseph had talked to him, but he hadn’t mentioned anything. Even though I never saw him, I felt like some nights Sven was sneaking in and sleeping in bed with me. There’d be vague awareness of him as I rolled over, still too blanketed with the bindings of sleep to fully wake up and know for sure. Part of me, I think, didn’t want to be disappointed and I came to and found him not there. I took some sort of comfort in thinking he was there, that he hadn’t shut me out completely.

  I was starting to have a hard time figuring out what to tell Sweetie, about where he was, though. I’d hoped- no, prayed- he’d come by just to see her, even if just for a moment. That little girl sat on the porch and just…waited. I let the weekend pass, and Monday morning after walking Sweetie to school, I decided to go to the clubhouse. I was nervous. I’d never been there unannounced and didn’t know if they’d even let me in.

  Walking through the gates and up the long driveway, I notice men outside talking and sitting at some picnic tables. Whistles and cat calls rise up around me as I walk past them and toward the massive oak door. Pulling it open, I blink and just stand there until my eyes adjust since it’s so dark compared to the sunshine outside. “Fortunate Son” by CCR is playing from somewhere and I notice groups of people sitting at the tables and bar, looking at me. I shake off my fear and scan the area for Sven, or anyone I know for that matter. My eyes snag on Dusty sitting at the bar. He’s drinking a beer and talking to another man. As I walk over, he notices me before I get to him and gives me a smile, while eyeing my bare legs.

  “Is Sven here?” I ask.

  He opens his mouth to speak when the man beside him turns his head and I see it’s Sven’s dad, which causes my stomach to plummet.

  “Oh, it’s you. He’s got no money, or anything of use to you-”

  “You have no idea what I need from him, so mind your business,” I state.

  His brows rise as he looks like he’s about to laugh at my statement. But I’m sick of this shit. Maybe it was irrational not to fear them, but I didn’t for some reason. Who the hell do these guys think they are? What were they gonna do to me? Hurt me because I wanted to talk to Sven? I doubt it, and right now I care more about talking to Sven for my daughter’s sake than some deadbeat who was going to try and tell me his opinion.

  “You’ve got brass ones I’ll give you that. I’ve heard about you,” he begins.

  “Where’s Sven?” I ask Dusty again, not giving a damn at what Sven’s alleged dad was going to say.

  “Listen here,” Sven’s dad says, rising to his feet and stumbling back.


  I scoff with a shake of my head, almost feeling sorry for the drunk. Putting my hands on my hips I say, “I’m all ears.”

  He blinks long and raises a hand before falling on his ass, causing Dusty to laugh.

  “He’s in his apartment,” Dusty finally tells me.

  My heart pounds wildly as I approach the door, not knowing what I’ll see behind it. Maybe he’s with another woman. I can’t blame him for that. I’m here for Sweetie. My palm and fingers wrap around the brass knob as I close my eyes and take a deep breath, foregoing knocking and just letting myself in. I gasp and instantly my eyes well-up with tears. Sven’s sitting on the bed and the room is trashed. He’s only wearing a pair of jeans and he looks like he hasn’t slept.

  “Sven?” I whisper. His gaze shoots up to meet mine.

  “Missy,” he says with pain in his eyes.

  “What’s going on?”

  I walk in, sitting on the bed and taking his face into my hands. He nuzzles my palms and drops his head into my chest.

  “I’m sorry, Missy.”

  “For what?” I ask, tears pooling in my eyes.

  “For scaring you the other night,” he says quietly.

  “No, Sven. I’m so worried, what happened?”

  “I can’t control myself sometimes…since the war. When something stresses me out, or becomes too much, it’s like I black out.”

  “Was…” I stop and swallow thickly. “Was what I told you the other night what triggered it?” I ask, fearing his answer.

  “No, well…the shit with Milton’s sister, then Jasper threatening me that he’d hurt you if you didn’t back off, I saw my mom, then yes, what you told me happened.”

  My arms tighten around him and I lay my cheek on the top of his head. I knew he had anger issues, and he had traumatic things in his past, but this is surprising.

  “It’s okay, we can fix it. Let’s just go, pack up and leave town. You have school-”

  “Open your eyes, Missy! I’m not going back to school, I can’t! I’ll just fuck that up too. Because that’s what I do, I do stupid shit when I’m lost! It’s why my dad thinks I’m a piece of shit, it’s why Milton warned you about me…it’s why I told you we shouldn’t try to be together.” He leans back against the pillows. “I can’t handle life, all of it. College wasn’t working for me, so I signed up for Vietnam. Life gets overwhelming and then I start thinking I’m an asshole because at least I have a life- I lived, I came back. So many men didn’t make it home from the war and I did and I can’t take it. I don’t need to pretend anymore.”