Don't Let Me Go

by Glenna Maynard

  Gram takes her hands nervously into her own lap and looks away from me, trying to hide her shameful tears. “The money,” she starts with a quivering lip, “some comes from insurance from your mother’s death, some is from what was left from her acting career, and the rest comes from Alex. As for you father, your mother never told me anything about him, I just don’t know who he was. I’m sorry, Bella, I wish I had better answers to give you, but I don’t.”

  She waits to gauge my response, but I can’t even look at her either right now. My whole life has been a lie. “I need to go.” I slowly stand and walk out the back gate.

  “Bella,” I hear her call out to me in a strangled cry.

  I want to turn around and go comfort her as much as it hurts—but I can’t do this right now.

  The ache in my chest is too strong.

  The poison is consuming me.

  I can’t take it.

  I just can’t.

  When I make it to my apartment, Cutter is asleep against my door. He looks like a devil in disguise as he snoozes. I run my finger across the light stubble that is gracing his jawline. My light touch stirs him from his sleep. He takes one look at me and pulls me into his lap. He holds me, not asking any questions, stroking my hair as I cry. He explains that he bumped into Brianna and she told him I was going to need him tonight.

  Normally, Brianna getting in my business would upset me, but she is right I do need him tonight. I shouldn’t be alone when the poison has so much control over my emotions.

  After my sobbing stops, he presses me to let him take me inside and feed me. He is hungry, and he complains that his ass is numb from sitting on the hard concrete floor of my doorway. He wipes my stray tears with the hem of his shirt.

  Stealing a glance of those dangerously delicious abs he is packing, I want to trace my tongue down his happy trail.

  I want to escape just for tonight.

  I want to forget all I have learned today.

  Cutter goes into the kitchen to fix us some canned spaghetti. Hey, we are college kids. I strip down and get into the shower, in an attempt to let the warmth of the water wash my thoughts away, but it isn’t working. I grip the razor lying on the edge of the tub from earlier today between my fingers.

  I need it to stop. The darkness.

  I can still hear Gram and Alex’s confession echoing through my head. Just one cut, and it can all be over.

  I’m not sure how long I have been standing here struggling with my thoughts and my pain, when Cutter pushes the shower curtain back. I haven’t even noticed that I have run all the hot water out.

  “No, Bella. No more. You aren’t going to hurt yourself anymore.” He takes the razor from my grasp, tosses it in the garbage, takes my towel from the rack, and wraps it around my shivering body.

  “Please, Cutter,” I let out in an exasperated whisper, “cut me. Make it stop, make it all go away.”

  He hugs me to his chest. “No,” he grits out firmly between his teeth. “I promised to put you back together, Bella, and I will. But not like this. I gave in last time because I wanted you to trust me. But no more cutting, I won’t be a part of it again. You have to let your wounds heal.” He places a gentle kiss on my cheek and the friction of his facial scruff burns my skin. It makes me tingle. Hooking my arms around his neck I crash my mouth down on his.

  “You can’t fix this, Cutter.” I let my towel slide to the floor exposing all my scars for him to see. “But you can fuck me.”

  His hard cock presses into my stomach, showing me, he is more than ready to fuck my pain away.

  I slide down to my knees and undo his belt. I unzip his jeans as he pushes his pants down until they catch on his knees. I take my hand around his shaft and ease my lips over the tip. I suck down on the head of his dick and swirl my tongue around. Cutter grips my hair and pushes his length further into my mouth

  . I peek up at him to see a grin spread across his face, but his eyes are closed.

  I stop sucking him and allow him to pop out of my mouth. “Nuh uh, you are going to watch my mouth fuck your perfect cock.” He opens his eyes and stares down at me. His jaw is tense as I take him back into my mouth, letting him probe further, until he hits the back of my throat. I can’t even get all of him in my mouth.

  A gritted moan of pleasure passes through his teeth.

  “Fuck, Bella, you are going to make me lose it.” His words egg me on. I start bobbing my head faster and faster, and he in turn rocks into my mouth harder. “Are you mine, Bella?”

  I wrap my arm around his leg holding him in place as he tries to pull out of my mouth. Oh no you don’t. I smirk to myself milking him completely and licking him clean. Tonight, I don’t have it in me to talk labels, to define what I am to him, or who he is to me.

  Cutter then takes me into my bed to return the orgasm. I’m telling you the guy seriously has a magic tongue. The thing she can do should be against the law.

  He could use it as a weapon against me. I’d do anything he ever wanted if he promised to love me with his tongue like he just did every night.

  I’ve never felt anything like it in my life. He used his tongue like he is an expert at oral sex. I swear the guy could charge for lessons. Believe me people would pay to have the kind of orgasm I just had, multiple ones at that.

  *—*

  I wake to the blaring of my alarm clock. I glance at the time. Ugh. How long has it been going off? I shake Cutter. “Ass. Up. Now. Need. Coffee.” He groans and mumbles, rolling away from me. Okay, a new tactic is needed. I pull the covers off and pinch his ass hard.

  “Ow—the fuck, Bella!” he reaches over and pulls me into a hug. “You owe me, my tongue is sore. I don’t know how I am going to make it through the day, it’s swollen.”

  “Awe, poor baby. It was worth it though wasn’t it. I see you hiding your shit-eating grin. Let me make it up to you.” I pull his boxers down and give him a good morning blowjob to jump-start his day.

  “Now that’s how you wake a man up.” He kisses my forehead and rolls out of my bed.

  “Yeah, and now we are even. My jaws hurt.” I hope no one expects me to talk much today. Have you ever had lockjaw from chewing too much bubble gum, well that is how I feel right now. But it was worth it to please Cutter.

  There my job is done.

  Classes start today, and I refuse to be late. Cutter goes to his apartment to get ready for our big first day on campus. We don’t have any classes together, so we agree to meet at the picnic tables near the tennis courts for lunch.

  My first class is at ten then my second is at three. My first class is a dull English class. The time seems to creep by. I can’t concentrate. How am I supposed to continue as Alex Peter’s patient knowing what I know now.

  Lunch goes by quick. Cutter and I are joined by Hurley and Brianna. I think they are a thing now, but I am never sure of anything when it comes to Brianna. She talks to me about general topics and relief washes over me when she doesn’t bring up the library and what we both now know about my mother. This town is great at keeping secrets.

  I dread my second class of the day, photography.

  My adviser has spoken with my professors about my issues and they have all agreed to work with me as much as they can. I look over the first assignment for the class. Great she wants us to capture a photo of an object that we can identify the most. I wasn’t prepared to actually have to use my camera so soon into the course.

  Gram has tried me on my cell a few times today, but I am not ready to talk to her.

  Bella: I need time and space. Don’t worry about me. I’m fine.

  I am angry with her, but I don’t want her to worry.

  I will have to face her in a few days. I plan on taking pictures of her garden for my project. Then I get a fantastic idea. I have memory cards full of her flowers. I will just pick one of the many for the assignment. There I killed two birds with one stone.

  I am aimlessly walking through the rows of picture paper at the local office supp
ly store, when Nolan approaches me.

  “Hello, Bells. How do you like college so far?” He is being a little too nice. His demeanor sort of freaks me out. Nolan is never this polite unless he wants something.

  “So, have you seen Brianna around lately, she isn’t taking my calls.”

  So that is what he is after, but how does he know we are sort of friends now. I give him a vague answer about bumping into her from time to time. I do not want him thinking he can pump me for information.

  My jaws are still hurting. Talking isn’t a strong point for me today.

  *—*

  It is the day of my tattoo appointment and I am so excited. Brianna and Hurley have tagged along with Cutter and me. We have become quite the foursome this week. It feels pretty good to be honest. I haven’t been able to go to the falls any more this week. They say it could be weeks before the work on the bridge is complete. It feels a little weird not having my thoughts of Harlan consuming my every waking moment. My thoughts are filled more with Cutter with each passing day.

  I thought nothing, or no one could ever compare to Harlan, but Cutter is influencing my happiness. I still can’t let him in fully, but I am trying, and I am not even sure why.

  Cutter holds my hand as the artist starts the outline of my rose tattoo. Brianna watches nervously. Hurley has to take her outside. She was about to faint at the sight of the light bleeding. Two hours later, I am tatted, and it is beautiful. The roses are gorgeous, wrapping around my body’s small curves perfectly.

  The girl at the front desk gives me some cream and instructions on how to care for it as I pay.

  Brianna chickens out of getting a tattoo, but she gets her belly button pierced. Hurley gets a new tattoo as well. He goes for a generic tribal tattoo on his upper left arm, but it does look good. Cutter says he plans on getting another tattoo at some point, but he isn’t sure what he wants yet, so he decides to wait.

  I tease him, “You should have put Bella’s bitch on your ass.”

  He snorts and shoves me away.

  *—*

  The first few weeks of classes pass in a blur. I haven’t showed to my appointments with Doc. He left me a voicemail that if I miss one more appointment he will make me go see my doctors at the hospital. He knows how to play hardball. I call his secretary and schedule an appointment the first week of October, which happens to be next week. There is no way I am going to see those quacks. Fucking dope pushers is more like it. I have no desire to go back and endure their form of thera-rape-me.

  I have managed to avoid my Gram as well. I dodge her calls and send her texts that I still need time to process everything. She needs to realize I will come around once I’m ready to forgive her, and today just isn’t that day. Thinking about it all makes me crave a cigarette.

  Chapter 11

  October

  I nervously walk into Dr. Peter’s office. His secretary gives me an understanding smile. Does she know the truth as well? I take my usual seat on the chaise and notice he has finally thrown out the dead plants. It’s about time.

  “Bella,” he greets me peering at me through his glasses. “Have you been well?”

  “Same old shit, just another day.” What more can I say, not much has changed since him and my Gram gutted my whole life, as I once knew it—well what was left of it.

  “I suppose I deserve that answer.” He scoots his chair close to me. He decides we need to fully clear the air, though I clearly do not want to talk about it, any of it.

  He apologizes for not being upfront with me. He says he has watched over me my whole life. That he has kept his distance because my Gram thought it was best that he not confuse me about who he was.

  He proceeds to tell me more about my mother, and that he doesn’t want me to think that she didn’t love me or want me. She was just sick, and he wasn’t able to save her. He says that the showbiz life was too much for her and when it ended—when she became pregnant with me, she felt like it was the end of her career. It hurts to hear that my own mother resented me, but I can appreciate his honesty.

  Part of me feels bad for him, but there is a part of me that wonders why I wasn’t good enough of a reason for her—my mother to live if she loved me so much. But the other side of me understands wanting to die. Not being able to cope with the pain. I tell Doc my thoughts on this and he says maybe I don’t wish to die as much as I thought I once did. Maybe he is right. The pain isn’t nearly as hard to bear these days, but with all things there are good days and bad days.

  Doc makes me promise to go and see my Gram, but just because someone is sorry doesn’t make it right. And I feel all kinds of odd that Dr. Peters has been paying for me all these years. I told him I no longer wished to receive money from him, but he insists that he made a promise to Adeline that I would never want for anything and until I graduate to expect the monthly allowance to continue.

  *—*

  Brianna and I are going shopping this weekend for the Halloween party that Hurley is insisting on throwing. He and Cutter both have to work this weekend, leaving just Brianna and me. She actually isn’t as bad as she used to be, or I have lowered my standards. I think she is sort of growing on me. I feel kind of dirty admitting it. But getting away for some girl time for a few hours is sounding appealing.

  “Oh my gawd, this would look so hot on you. You have to try this on.” Brianna hands me some black and white jailhouse leggings, a red tutu, and a black corset.

  “You are going to be the sexiest Harley Quinn. Cutter is going to begging you to let him tap that ass.” My cheeks redden, and I try to let my hair cover my face before she notices. “You already have, haven’t you?” She makes a wide O shaped face and covers her mouth. “Don’t deny it. Was it good, he’s good, right? I mean, he just looks like a guy that can take care of business.”

  “Okay, I will tell you this—the guy has a magic tongue, and he has some great equipment.” Let her make what she will of that.

  “I knew it!” She continues to ramble on and on and starts trying to talk to me about her and Hurley’s sexcapades.

  I tune her out and start trying on my costume. I guess she was asking me something and I didn’t hear her. She pulls the curtain back a little and catches me in my bra and panties.

  I try to turn to cover the scars covering my thighs, but the mirror on the other side of me shows them to her anyways.

  “Bella, what happened to you?” She asks with her face showing pity. Pity is the last thing I want.

  “Just don’t, I’m fine. It’s fine.” I guess my tone lets her know that it isn’t open to discussion and she doesn’t press me any further on it.

  Brianna was right this makes the perfect costume.

  I come out of the fitting room and we continue to giggle and shop.

  Nolan interrupts our fun girl time, what is he doing here? Then it hits me Brianna must have invited the fucker.

  I go off on my own for a bit to give Brianna a moment to talk to Nolan and manage to find a purple blazer for Cutter’s Joker costume.

  Brianna ends up with a latex Catwoman suit after she ran Nolan off. I tried to talk her into something else. She is going to smother in that thing. But she says it shows all her curves just right.

  We pick up some makeup and a few skeletons and other odds and ends to decorate Hurley’s place with.

  Brianna stops dead in her tracks at novelty store when she sees that they have Ouija boards for sale.

  “No, those freak me the hell out.” I stiffen, just the thought of going near one makes me queasy. I’ve never been big on ghost stories and all that goes with them.

  “Come on. Live a little, Bella,” she begs, grabs my hand, and drags me into the store to buy one.

  *—*

  I haven’t been to my Gram’s house in weeks and shopping with Brianna all day was exhausting. I miss my Gram even though what she did wasn’t right we are all one another has left. And I really miss her home cooked meals. Eating Spaghettios with Cutter isn’t cutting it. I need
real food in my belly. I’m on my monthly too. Comfort food always makes me feel better.

  Brianna drops me off at my Gram’s house and says she will get my stuff to me Monday. She thinks that it is her duty to drive me to school now. I don’t know how we have become instant besties, but she isn’t too bad, most days or if handled in small doses. I used to look at her and think dear God someone please shoot her before she multiplies. But now, I can smile and mean it when I see her. It feels nice to have a real friend.

  Gram looks pleasantly surprised to see me. “Are you hungry, I have some soup beans and corn bread made?”

  “I am starving.” I decide that Gram’s time and mine could be limited. She is getting old, and I still don’t know if I will jump when the time comes. I know I need to make the best of our time together.

  I tell her about my classes and about the ridiculous costume, I am going to wear for the party. Gram takes my hand and clasps it real tight with her wrinkled calloused hands.

  “This is a good look for you, my beautiful rose.”

  “What is?” I ask confused by her words.

  “Living, my sweet girl. Whatever Cutter is doing for you tell him not to stop.” I blush at her words. “That is what I thought.” She smirks at me. “I knew he was special the moment I laid eyes on him. Just promise me you will try to love him, Bella. You are so young and well, a woman is allowed more than one love in a lifetime. I know you will get mad, and God rest his soul, but Harlan wasn’t right for you. And I—I know you think you loved him, but he was puppy love. Cutter, I look at the two of you and I see the real deal. You seem happy and I think it is because of him.”

  I sigh and take my hand back. She just doesn’t get it. Harlan is the love of my life, and Cutter is just Cutter. We have a good time together. He understands me. He gets it. I decide it is best not to argue with her—not tonight.

  Gram tells me she has something for me before I go. She gives me a box of my mother’s things.

  Then I get a text from Cutter asking where I am.