Don't Let Me Go

by Glenna Maynard

  Cutter: Do you want me and Hurley to pick you up? We have a case of beer.

  Bella: No but thanks. I need some alone time.

  I will talk to him later. I don’t want him being too dependent on my company, we spend a lot of time together as it is.

  The walk from my Gram’s to my apartment has me wishing I would have had the guys give me a lift, but the air isn’t too cold for an October evening. I don’t know why my feet choose to carry me to the cemetery, but I find myself at my mother’s headstone before I realize my surroundings.

  I sit on the chilled ground cross legged style and open up the box of her things. It isn’t a large box. It is a small rectangle wooden jewelry box with little roses carved into the top of it.

  “Mom, I feel so lost, I want to forgive you for what you did—for leaving me, for taking the easy out. I wish I could really understand it. And it is so hard for me to judge you knowing that I have had those very thoughts—thoughts of leaving this world and my pain behind.”

  I start looking through her trinkets. She has some really pretty jewelry and some really silly pins and things. I can’t help but laugh at her Madonna fan club pin. It’s nice to feel close to Adeline—my mom, even if it is just for a few brief minutes.

  I wish Harlan were here, I know he would know what to say or do to make me feel better. It is starting to turn cold, but there is one more person I want to talk to while I am here. I make my way to the other side of the cemetery to where Harlan is at rest. It is getting dark out and I am not a scaredy cat but being here in the dark is eerie, ominous almost.

  “Harlan.” I take a knee at his headstone. “I don’t know who I am, my life—well my parents it has all been a lie. I don’t know who my father is, and I just wish you were here. I’m sorry. I know it seems like I am moving on without you. I feel guilty that I am here going on, making friends.”

  My mind flashes to Cutter and a grin spreads across my face. I can feel it stretching from ear to ear. I look back down at Harlan’s grave, this isn’t right. I shouldn’t be here talking to him and thinking of someone else.

  “Please give me a sign, Harlan. Are you still waiting for me or do you want me to move on? I feel stuck right now. I can’t go back but I am unable to move forward.” I run my fingers across the smooth cold marble before heading home.

  *—*

  At home and alone, I find myself feeling lonely. I have gotten use to Cutter hanging around so much, and I call him codependent. My life is changing. I can feel myself changing a little with every new day.

  I am curled up on my couch watching a movie about to drift to sleep when there is a light knock on my door. I slowly peel my butt off the cushion and open the door expecting to see Cutter, but no one is there just a card of some sorts.

  I look around to see if anyone is lurking. Maybe Cutter is trying to be cute. Picking up the card, I close my door and lock it before opening the envelope. Once I am seated, I carefully open it to find that it’s not a card at all. It’s a picture of Harlan and me in my Gram’s flower garden. I have never seen it before.

  Is this a sign from Harlan?

  My heart beats faster as I study our expressions. We are gazing at one another, completely lost in each other.

  I turn the photo over to see if there is a date or a note. There is handwriting I don’t recognize belonging to anyone I know. It is hard to make out, but it looks like it reads still waiting.

  “Who did this!” I yell out to the empty hallway as I let my door swing open. The elevator dings and Cutter steps off. He sees the hurt on my face. I am feeling so many emotions, guilt, and anger, and betrayal—want.

  Cutter starts to ask me if I am okay, but I cut him off. “Did you have anything to do with this?” I fling the photo at him.

  “Bella, I just got here.” He flips the picture over and looks at both sides.

  I can tell he hasn’t seen it before or he is a really good actor. I mean, what do I really know about him? He popped up out of nowhere. Shaking my head, I know I can’t waste all my energy being paranoid. Cutter follows me into my place and demands to know what is going on.

  “Bella, baby, tell me what is you think I did?”

  I recite my day to him, even the cemetery.

  “So, the picture, this is of you and Harlan?” I nod, and he asks, “Do you think someone is following you, I mean I have heard of ghost, but I don’t really believe in all that mumbo jumbo.” He takes a seat on the sofa and pulls me into his lap.

  “Cutter was Brianna with you and Hurley tonight?”

  “Yeah, for a little while, you don’t think she did this do you?”

  “No.” I shake my head and I really don’t think she would go this far. “But someone did.”

  “I know and trust me it pisses me off that someone is out there getting their kicks at playing with your emotions and your memories.”

  His lips press softly to my temple and I relax.

  Cutter does make me feel safe.

  Chapter 12

  I have gone a week without any further incidents. Cutter is trying to spend as much time as he can with me, but between work and school, our time is limited. Brianna and Hurley have been hanging around me when Cutter can’t. I am feeling smothered. Someone is always up my ass it seems. I mean, I appreciate it all I do, but some days I find it harder to breathe.

  I decided to talk to Brianna about what happened with the picture. She says that she isn’t accusing Cutter, but she thinks it is weird how little we know about his life, his family and such. And I agree with her to a point.

  I know there is more to Cutter than he is letting on, I just don’t know what it is, or if I really want to know. We are supposed to be friends, but I think he believes we are dating. I guess I don’t do anything to clarify that we aren’t. I like him a lot. In some ways I feel closer to him, more so than I ever felt with Harlan. I don’t know how to explain it. I feel like we are kindred spirits.

  It scares me.

  We are meeting up with the guys for dinner and I ask Brianna just to let it go for now. I have a photography assignment to work on.

  I have to set up a shoot for a brochure for the university, and I can’t cheat my way through this project with old photographs. I don’t know if I will be able to look through the lens without seeing Harlan’s death. I am going to ask Dr. Peters about ways to help me cope at tomorrow’s appointment.

  I only have Modern Literature today. We a discussing the impact of Contemporary Romance versus Erotic Novels on today’s woman, whatever that means.

  I take my seat near the front of class and pretend to be interested in the lecture, but my mind is so far away. All I hear in my ear is static. I can’t get tuned in with the rest of the world right now, and I really want a cigarette.

  The professor excuses us, and I am supposed to go over to Brianna’s dorm room to pass the time until we meet up at Nelly’s Kitchen with Hurley and Cutter. Her building is on the backside of the campus.

  Taking a detour instead of heading to Brianna’s room, I make my way to the picnic area for a smoke. Now that the weather is turning cooler, there isn’t as many people in this area. It sits back against the tree line of the woods. I take my iPod out from my purse. I have a few more minutes to kill before Brianna gets off at the library and her roommate gives me the creeps, so I would just rather wait out here. She is always looking at me funny. I think maybe she fears me, but Brianna says she never talks to her either.

  School hasn’t been as bad as I was expecting it to be. People don’t stop to whisper or stare, I actually blend in well. But I guess it is true what they say about assuming things, you make an ass out of you and me.

  I take my ear buds out and put my stuff back in my bag along with my lighter.

  The leaves in the surrounding woods begin to rustle and I hear the faint sound of twigs cracking from what sounds like the pressure of being stepped on. I look around to see if anyone is around, but I can’t see a soul. Raising up from the table and grabbing m
y bag, I glimpse a shadow from the corner of my eye. I look to see what or who is casting it.

  A lump forms in my throat as I see Harlan standing in the woods staring back at me. I have to squint to get a better look. The sun is going down and glaring in my eyes as it sets behind the line of trees where he is standing.

  “Harlan,” I call to him and start walking towards him, but the closer I get to him the deeper into the woods he goes. “Hey, slow down.” I pick up my pace. I don’t want to venture too far into the woods and end up lost with no cell signal. That’d be just my luck to get stuck out here with no way of calling for help.

  I get to where he was standing just mere seconds before, but he has vanished without a trace. I listen closely and can no longer hear his steps.

  Okay I am losing it.

  The wind howls against me, and goose bumps raise across my chilled skin. I am startled by the ringing of my cell coming from my bag. I fumble getting my phone out and drop it in the leaves.

  Well shit! I bend down to get my phone and as I am getting back up to answer my phone, I see Harlan again in the distance. I rub my eyes and when I blink, he is gone. I shake my head and answer my call.

  “Bells, where are you. I have been calling you for the past hour. Cutter was about ready to send out a search party.” Brianna sounds concerned.

  “Sorry, I got lost in the woods taking a walk. And I lost track of the time. I’ll meet you guys at the diner.” I end the call and look around for Harlan once more, but he is nowhere to be found, and there isn’t any evidence that he was even here to start.

  “Bella, come to me Bella.” A voice I don’t recognize calls out to me.

  I feel completely freaked the fuck out and scared. Instead of following the voice, I decide to get the hell out of the woods before it turns pitch black out here.

  I start walking slightly fast like I am speed walking before turning into a full on sprint. I run so hard that my throat and chest are burning. I make my way back to the picnic tables, the pole lights have already turned on, and campus is eerily quiet. I try to shake the feeling of unease I have before making my way to the diner. I should have had them come and get me, I feel exhausted.

  I’m so shaken by what I saw and what I heard.

  “I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy,” I whisper as I fight back the tears threatening to spill.

  I walk into the diner and the bell dings behind me making me jump. I hope I don’t look like a deer caught in the headlights. I spot my gang in the back booth near the kitchen. Cutter stands to let me slide in on his side. Wrapping his arm around the back of my shoulders, he squeezes me and asks if I am feeling okay.

  “You look sick. You sure you’re okay?”

  I lie and ask, “Why wouldn’t I be?” But my trembling bottom lip and pale face gives me away.

  Before Cutter can say more we are interrupted.

  “Y’all ready to order?” The waitress asks taking out her pen and pad, snapping her gum at us with every word. “Tonight’s special is meatloaf served with mashed potatoes, corn, macaroni, and a sweet roll.”

  We all end up ordering the special. They serve homemade mashed potatoes here, none of that fake flakey shit.

  I am sick to my stomach but hope that eating will make me feel better.

  After the waitress brings us our drinks Cutter decides to grill me about what has me so shaken. I blow him off and tell him I don’t want to talk about it right now. Instead, I change the subject and get Brianna to gush about the Halloween party. I quietly sip on my soda and pretend to be just as excited as she is about it all.

  Brianna is animatedly describing the costumes we bought on our shopping excursion when she is rudely interrupted by douche waffle, Nolan.

  Why is he still in town even?

  I hope Brianna knows what she is doing, and I hope she isn’t playing Hurley. He is a good guy. Hell, a cockroach would make a better boyfriend than Nolan.

  “Did I hear party?” He pulls a chair over from a nearby table and spins it around backwards resting his arms across the back of it. I have to turn away from him, he looks so much like Harlan, it hurts to see his face. He even shares some of Harlan’s same mannerisms when he speaks. But he is nothing like Harlan was. Nolan is just a straight up asshole. Looking alike has nothing to do with his lack of people skills.

  I look over at Brianna to see that she is just as uncomfortable as I am, if not more. She is chewing her bottom lip and looking everywhere in the dining room but at Nolan.

  Of course, Hurley doesn’t notice and invites Nolan to the party. Smooth move Exlax.

  Brianna asks Hurly to excuse her to the restroom. “Bella, you coming?” She gives me a pointed look that says I had better.

  Cutter lets me out of the booth mumbling something about women traveling to bathrooms in packs and Brianna is grabbing my elbow and dragging me through the crowded room to the restrooms.

  She starts throwing her hands all around and mumbling to herself. I hear her throw around the words jerk and doing here under her breath.

  I grab her arm and stop her from wearing a track in the floor. “Are you okay?”

  “No, I am not okay, can you believe the nerve of him. Jerk!” She removes my hand from her arm, flips her hair, and begins checking her makeup in the mirror.

  I am not sure what to say to her. I am not entirely shocked to see Nolan trying to cozy up to us, but maybe he is just trying to get at Brianna.

  “Their father is sick. I mean his dad—well you know, he has been having chest pains or something.” She waves her arm towards the door.

  Yeah, I know what she means. My Gram had mentioned it briefly when I overheard her and her biddies gossiping during one of their quilting lunches.

  “Nolan has been calling me. He claims that he has changed and wants me back. I turned him down though. Hurley is a sweetie pie and treats me real nice.” She puckers her lips in the mirror spreading the gloss across her pout that she freshly applied seconds ago.

  “Want some,” she asks passing the gloss to me. “I think Cutter is real sweet on you, you guys official now or not?”

  “Not,” I answer, following her back to the table. Nolan is gone without hide nor hair of him in sight.

  Good riddance.

  Let him go stir up trouble somewhere else.

  *—*

  Lying back on the chaise in Doc’s office, I stare up at the ceiling unsure of how to tell him about my incident in the woods, and how to broach the subject of my photography project. I count the familiar lines in the ceiling, finding comfort in them, because they never change. They—the lines are the one constant thing I can count on right now.

  “What seems to be bothering you, Bella? You know you can talk to me about anything.”

  “Say hypothetically.” I stress the word hypothetical. “I told you I thought I saw Harlan in the woods near campus a few nights ago, how would you handle it?”

  “Did you see him, Bella?”

  “I’m not sure. And before you ask, I am still on my meds. I take them at the same time every day. I feel like I am being watched. I used to think it was Harlan. But now—now I’m not so sure.”

  “Do believe you are being followed, Bella?”

  “I don’t know what I think anymore. But I do need you to help me with something. I know you have talked with the university about my issues. I have a photography project, but I am scared to look through the lens.”

  ‘The medication can sometimes bring on paranoia. If the symptoms persist, we will change your medication. I am glad you are being honest.”

  My project isn’t due until the end of the semester, so Doc said he has some things we can try at my next appointment. He was glad to hear that I am working on things with my Gram. He doesn’t want to increase my medication unless I continue seeing Harlan. I now wish that I had kept my mouth shut.

  He offers to help me investigate finding my dad. I’m not sure how I feel about going there. I don’t even know where we would even start trying to fi
nd any information. I tell him I will think about it. But for now, it just seems like it would be another complication I don’t need. Besides, I have been my whole life without the guy. As if I need another guy in my life to deal with. I can barely juggle the ones I have to interact with now.

  *—*

  It’s been over two weeks since I saw Harlan in the woods and they are still working on the bridge, so I haven’t been back to the falls. Cutter and Hurley have been getting the house ready for the party. I am nervous about being around so many people that knew me before. I mean, I know I have been hanging out with Hurley, Brianna, and Cutter but they are just different. They know when to give me space and when to let things go. Not only that, but I am extremely guarded about being in that house.

  I am having lunch with Brianna in the dining hall and her phone keeps going off. She says it is Nolan, he just won’t give up. She says she brushes him off, and is hoping Hurley will officially ask her out.

  Cutter doesn’t have class today, so he is working all day at the hardware store. Hurley squeezes between us girls and asks, “So when are we going to do this?”

  Confused by what he means I have to walk right into his twisted mind and ask, “Do what?”

  “You, me, Brianna—getting naked between my sheets.” He wiggles his eyebrows at me and winks.

  “You are such a pig!” Brianna puffs up. I know she doesn’t take him seriously, but I think Nolan used to push her into situations she really didn’t want to take part in. “I’m sure Cutter would find that really funny, prick.” Jeez, he must have struck a nerve there. I didn’t take Brianna for the jealous type.

  “Oink oink, baby.” Hurley places a sloppy kiss on the corner of her mouth trying to suck up just a little. “You are missing out on this major league dick, Bella, but it’s cool. Guess Cutter must be packing your flavor of sausage.” he bends over laughing at his own crudeness.

  I guess Brianna has had enough of him being a dick and has to put her two cents in. “No, Hurley, it’s probably, because I told Bella what a tiny package you are sporting between your legs, and from what I hear, Cutter is royally endowed.”