Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  He spares me a dirty look before that mask comes back into place.

  “Where’s Mom?” Cain questions, looking around his father like he might have missed her at first glance.

  His father’s face drops, regret and sadness lining it, but I can’t tell if it’s real or another mask. “She didn’t make it, I’m afraid.” He drops his eyes and I hear people gasp at that.

  “What?” Cain bellows, his fists clenching at his sides. His dad drops a hand onto his shoulder.

  “I know, I miss her too. I did everything, but—” His voice catches. “She was killed when the ship started exploding, we were taking a walk around the upper bar and the glass—” He cuts off, crocodile tears filling his eyes, and Cain shakes off his hand and storms away.

  I go to follow, but his father steps in my path and lowers his voice. “Best to leave him be, always such an angry kid that one, plus we have things to discuss.” He drops his voice, the fake facade disappearing as his eyes narrow.

  “We have nothing to discuss,” I snap, before pushing past him, making sure to smack him with my shoulder on the way. Childish, but satisfying.

  I jog after Cain as he disappears into the forest. “Cain!” I yell, grunting when a branch hits me in the face.

  I glare at the tree before ducking under it, panting as I run to catch up to him. I eventually see his back through the trees and slow to a walk, coming up behind him as he calls out, “Go away, Indy!” His voice breaks and I hear the pain and heartache. Whether he liked his mom or not, she was still his parent. He loved her, and now she’s gone.

  “No,” I answer stubbornly, and step around him until I can see his face.

  He ducks away from me, but I catch the glistening of tears on his cheeks. “Cain.” I try reaching out, but he stumbles away from me like he doesn’t want to be touched.

  “Go, please,” he begs, his voice cracking with emotion. I know the feeling, wanting to be alone, being so close to exploding, to breaking down, you fear for everyone and everything around you. Like a supernova. I pushed everyone away, but I refuse to let him do the same. He needs me now more than ever, even if he doesn’t want to admit it.

  “I’m so sorry Cainy, I know—” I start but he whirls around, his face red, his eyes filled with tears and self-loathing.

  “You know what? Just because your parents are fucking dead, Indy, doesn’t mean you know shit!” he screams, his words like barbs to my heart, but I harden it and let them bounce off my shielding, knowing he is striking out in pain and his words aren’t the truth. He is lost and scared and hurting, and doing the only thing he can to protect himself. I will stay through it all, no matter the cost to myself.

  “You’re right, I don’t know. What I do know is you won’t be alone, I will never leave you,” I reply softly, letting him see the truth in my eyes.

  It’s horrible to watch him fracture before me, splintering until nothing but a broken boy remains, asking me to tell him it’s not true—but I can’t do that. “Why?”

  I suck in a breath and lick my lips, forcing myself to be brave. I can face down crashing ships, rebellions, and aliens, but faced with my broken man, I’m scared. “Because I love you,” I answer shakily.

  I don’t know if he registers it or not, but he swallows hard, his tears falling. “Don’t, don’t love me, I’m poison…I can’t—I, she can’t—” He stammers, his voice cracking over the words.

  “I’m sorry,” I offer again, knowing nothing I say will help.

  He stumbles towards me, flinging himself into my arms.

  I embrace him and he presses his face to my shoulder, a sob breaking from his chest as the dam bursts. He muffles his screams against me, the sounds ragged and heartbroken, and we stumble under our combined weight, sinking to the ground, me wrapped around him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear as I hold him. He sobs, his whole body shaking, the sound cutting through my heart like nothing before. I wish I could take this from him, make his pain my own, but I know better than most that it doesn’t work that way. The best I can do is be with him, here and now, and whenever he needs me.

  Rocking us both, I let the sounds of the forest soothe him as he cries out his heartache and grief. He will never heal from this, not completely, but it will get easier one day at a time, and I will be there every step of the way. I start to hum before I open my mouth, singing to him, letting him know I’m here. I don’t know how long we sit on the forest floor surrounded by nature, with the moons shining down on us. I keep singing until my voice breaks, and then I tell him stories, anything and everything.

  Eventually, he stops crying and shaking and goes limp in my arms, and I hold him tighter. My back aches and my arse is wet, but I won’t move, instead letting him sleep while he can. I can’t count the number of times I cried myself to sleep alone. I lean my head against his and pull him closer, closing my eyes. It feels like two minutes later when I hear a snapping of a branch. My eyes shoot open and look down at Cain to see him still asleep and curled up around me. My eyes scan the forest, squinting into the dark, but I sigh when Barrott steps out. I should have known.

  He nods at Cain and I wince. He sighs, rubbing his head as he looks around. He spots a tree, and goes and sits in front of it, leaning against the trunk while watching me. We talk with just our eyes until a whispering of leaves has my eyes darting back to the trees to see Eldon and Auden appear. They smile sadly when they see us, their worried eyes shooting to Cain on my lap. I smile back when they finally spot Barrott and find trees next to him to lean against, and my heart thumps. I stare at them all mutely—they are staying? It sends my heart into overdrive. It’s so full it feels like it might burst. Cain might not know it, but he has another family right here.

  Smiling now, I lean on him again and close my eyes, knowing they are watching over us as I hold Cain together. I don’t sleep very well, occasionally peering down to check on him before closing my eyes again, so it can’t be more than a couple of long hours later when I feel him stir. I open my eyes and he blinks, his eyes red-rimmed and bloodshot as he looks up at me.

  “Speed demon?” he whispers, his voice cracking.

  I nod, stroking his cheek. “I’m here,” I promise.

  He lifts his head, looking around. When he spots the guys, he freezes against me. I worry he will be mad they have seen him at his weakest, but he softens. “What are you doing here?” he asks.

  Barrott relaxes farther into the tree. “You’re family,” he states matter-of-factly.

  “No, you put up with me for Indy,” Cain snaps.

  “No, if that were the case, I wouldn’t be here. You’re family, you are annoying and a cocky shit, but still family.” Barrott shrugs, like saying it is enough to make it real.

  “Us too, we didn’t have a family until you lot. We stick together, no matter what,” Eldon says and Auden nods. “Always,” he adds.

  Ker shrinks out from the forest and trots over to Cain and me. I sigh, hoping he won’t be mean, but he drops down next to Cain and puts his head in his lap as if to say ‘me too.’

  “Okay,” Cain whispers, and I grip him harder.

  “Family has your back, no matter what,” I explain, knowing it’s a new concept to all of us. We are all Dawnbreaker orphans.

  “Can we stay a bit longer? I don’t want to face going back,” Cain requests, staring down at Ker as he strokes him, but I know what he really means—he doesn’t want to see anyone or for anyone to see him.

  “Sure,” I offer. “Mind if I lay down though?” I inquire, wincing at the pain in my back. Barrott gets up and walks over, dropping a hand on Cain’s shoulder, before sitting behind me. I hear him shuffling around.

  “There, lay down baby,” he encourages softly, and I lean back.

  My head meets his chest and I roll my eyes up to his, but Cain’s sudden movements have me glancing down at him as he settles into my lap, curling around me until his head pillows on my chest. I stroke his hair and Ker curls up into a ball next to him, offering his wa
rmth.

  I look back up at Barrott, but smile when I hear Eldon and Auden. They curl around Cain as well and I raise my eyebrows.

  “Sorry man, I don’t swing that way, but whenever we are upset we cuddle each other.” Auden shrugs at Cain before dropping his head onto the other man’s leg. Eldon offers Cain his back, letting him know he is there as well.

  Tears fill my eyes and I look back up at Barrott. He mouths, “For you.”

  I smile through the happiness and pain as I mouth back, “I love you.”

  He grins, his eyes filling with love, and I close my eyes, surrounded by my family as we hold Cain between us, protecting him, comforting him, just being there.

  SURVIVOR LOG 0005

  Date: Unknown

  Mission: 43, Colony

  Ship: Dawnbreaker

  Location: Unknown Planet

  I don’t know what to say or do to help Cain. I’m hoping just being there for him is enough. We managed to get a few hours of sleep in the forest in our puppy pile, but once the sun started rising and filtering through the canopy above us, we roused and made our way back to camp. Cain headed straight to our tent, while Barrott went on patrol. I find myself watching the tent flaps with Eldon and Auden, as I sit back and try and make sense of everything that has happened over the last few days.

  The most pressing question—who is Cain’s father? The way he carries himself and Cain’s status means he is an upper, but what role did he have? I still didn’t find out what Cain was hiding, apart from that he is scared and trying to protect me. I feel like I’m barely holding on to everything, my grip slipping on the strings weaving around me, unable to see the full tapestry.

  One day at a time, that’s what I need to do. The truth will come out eventually, but I need to focus on finding Howard and other survivors at the moment. My eyes are drooping shut—so I guess that is it for today.

  - Indy, signing off.

  Ground Day Six

  Closing the journal, a yawn splitting my lips, I shuffle to my feet. “I’m going to check on Cain,” I tell Eldon and Auden. They look up from where they were drawing in the dirt with sticks.

  “Dirty pictures?” I grin and they both return it, dimples forming.

  “Got to remember that body somehow.” Auden wiggles his eyebrows.

  “Go, we will start the rounds and get breakfast on,” Eldon offers and I nod, already turning and shuffling to the tent.

  I have so much to do today, but Cain and my family comes first. I slip inside the tent and spot his form in his sleeping bag. Maybe he’s asleep?

  I hesitate, ready to leave, when he calls out, “Stay.”

  Instantly heading his way, I watch as he turns over and lifts the sleeping bag for me. I slip inside, curling up against him, and he wraps his arms around me tightly, sucking in a sharp breath.

  “I never thought I’d say this, but I miss the ship. I miss our races, I miss our spot under the stars. I miss her—she wasn’t perfect, she was vain and selfish, but I always remember that every night, without fail, she would check on me with a smile on her lips as she whispered goodnight. It didn’t matter what function or meeting she had to attend, she always did it. She wasn’t the best parent, Indy, but she was mine.” His voice cracks at the end, his body shaking against mine.

  “Nobody is perfect, Cain. We are all just trying our best here, and the important thing is she loved you,” I reply, lifting my head and meeting his eyes.

  “Promise—” He swallows hard. “Promise you won’t leave me, no matter what. I can survive losing her, it’s broken a part in me I didn’t realise I had, but I can survive it. But you, speed demon…” He blows out a breath and I visibly watch him gather his courage. “I couldn’t survive losing you. There is no world or planet in this universe that would be enough without you. The stars would shine and the planet would turn, but it would be empty.” My heart races, my mouth going dry as he cups my face. “I love you. I knew it the first moment I saw you climb from that speeder and grin at me after you kicked my ass. I’m not Barrott, I’m not strong and a fighter. I’m immature, I’m cocky, and a bit of an asshole—”

  “At times.” I grin and he laughs, a shallow pained one.

  “But I’m yours—no matter what. Even if you hated me, even if you tried to push me away, I wouldn’t leave. I’m drawn to you. My whole world revolves around you. You’re my world and I’m your moon. It doesn’t matter if that isn’t good enough—if I’m not good enough—I’m too selfish to let you go,” he whispers.

  Tears fill my eyes and I sniff hard. “Space balls, you bastards need to stop being so sweet and making me cry,” I groan. “You’re not perfect, Cain.” He flinches, but I carry on. “Neither am I. Don’t make me out to be. I’m reckless, I’m emotionally damaged and hard to crack, but I’m loyal as hell and I love my family—I love you,” I respond, my words nowhere near the splendour of those offered to me, but it seems to be enough because he smiles, like a sun breaking through the clouds, and leans down and kisses me softly.

  “You’ll never get away from me now, speed demon,” he jokes and I laugh, pulling back.

  “I don’t know, I’m faster than you. I reckon I could outrun you,” I jest.

  “Whatever you tell yourself, speed demon.” He grins before it fades away, like he remembered why he shouldn’t be laughing. I know that feeling too, so I lean up and kiss him softly.

  “Let’s try and get a bit more sleep?” I suggest and he nods, his eyes closing. I watch him for a little bit before closing my own and cuddling closer, letting the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest lull me to sleep.

  “Shut up, let her sleep,” someone hisses and I blink open my eyes, muddled.

  You know that feeling when you have slept hard, and you are confused about where and when you are? Yeah. Looking up, I see Cain staring down at me with a soft expression. “Should we let them know we are awake or allow them to keep arguing out there?” he whispers, smirking at me, even though I can still see the shadows under his eyes.

  I pretend to think about it before laughing and calling out, “I’m awake!” I raise my voice and I turn in Cain’s arms, facing them as they push through the tent with guilty expressions on their faces.

  Effie pokes her head around Eldon and Auden and grins at me. “Morning, lazy. Come on, time to get up!” she chirps cheerfully, making me groan.

  “You just want to see your aliens,” I tease and her face flames. “Fine, I’m getting up, but unless you want to see boob central, I suggest you leave.” I wink and she goes red before fleeing, making me laugh.

  “Boob?” Auden grins, stepping closer.

  “Pervs,” I call as I slip out of the bag, and watch their faces drop in disappointment when they realise I’m not naked.

  I grab my boots and pull them on, replaiting my hair before I look at them. “Come on then, let’s get to it,” I grumble.

  I head out of the tent with them close behind me. The sun is high in the sky, and the camp is fully awake and moving fast now. I spot Barrott with the patrols, and when I make my way to the middle of the camp, I spot Effie sitting crossed-legged near the fire pit, eating her rations. I drop down next to her, and the next thing I know my rations are in front of me and Eldon and Auden are next to me. We eat in peace and quiet, all of us watching the camp as people start to get ready for the day. Work on the structure Cain started is moving along well, and others are creating what looks like gates or doors.

  “What’s the plan for the day?” Effie asks, interrupting my people watching, and I jump when Barrott stops in front of us.

  “I was thinking we go back to the alien camp and look for survivors again. I also thought we could start sending out search parties, working in sections, and leaving paths so we can find our way back?” I suggest, and Barrott nods, looking proud.

  “That’s a good idea, eyes in the sky and feet on the ground. I will arrange groups of people who aren’t stockpiling or building,” he adds, his mind already whirring. “I will come ba
ck with you to the camp. I have more questions.”

  “Me too!” Effie rushes out, and I smirk at her.

  “Auden and I will lead one of the groups,” Eldon offers.

  “I will as well,” Cain pipes up from behind me, and I crane my neck back to see him.

  “Is that a good idea?” Barrott inquires, worried for the other man.

  “Yes,” I answer for him, knowing it will help to keep busy. Cain gives me a grateful smile before nodding at Barrott.

  “Okay, I’ll get Riley to lead another. Three teams, one north, one south, and one west?” he muses, but Cain’s dad’s voice cuts into our conversation, which I had thought was private.

  “You will do no such thing, going back out there is stupid. Let’s let your so-called allies do the work,” he orders loudly, stopping the people closest to us.

  Barrott moves away and I get to my feet. “Those are our people out there. They might be hurt or alone, and we need to find them like we did you. Or did you forget that?” I snap, done with his attitude.

  “I did not, but you didn’t come and get us, did you? Obviously their technology is capable of it.” He sniffs, looking around.

  “And while we wait to search the whole planet with their technology, our people might be dying. No, we search as well. My family is still out there, everyone’s family and friends are out there. They deserve for us to keep looking, not to stop.” I raise my voice and I hear some agreement filter through the crowd. I step closer to his father, annoyed at his lazy, self-serving attitude. “You are welcome to stay here in safety and sit back and relax, since I am sure you are used to that on the ship, but we are the workers. We don’t have things given to us and we won’t let that become true now. We search for survivors, we find them and we bring them home,” I order, raising my voice and the agreement gets louder.