Dreaming of Ayama

by K. A Knight

  “Babe,” Effie states, her tone laced with warning. I jerk my head towards Barrott and she nods then gets up, and I hear them whispering so I distract Howard. “Tell me everything. Did you pretend you had a cape? You did, didn’t you? Did you do a hero stance?” I tease.

  He grins. “I totally did, and don’t think I don’t know something is going on. Do I need to be worried?”

  “No, we won’t let anything happen to you or Effie.” I frown, looking down.

  His finger comes under my chin like so many times before. “For you, Indy. Do I need to be worried for you?”

  “Me? No, you know me. I’m always in trouble,” I quip, but he doesn’t laugh. “I’m okay.” I sigh.

  “What!” Effie shouts and I wince, shooting Barrott a look. He nods in understanding, pulling Effie out of the room and leaving Howard and me alone.

  “You’re my little girl too, Indy. Whether you are my blood or not, you are my daughter and I have never been so proud. Your parents would have been too, you have turned out to be an amazing woman, Inds,” he says out of the blue, catching me by surprise.

  I sob, holding him close. I felt like he broke through my barrier, because I might have always thought I was alone and no one was there, but I had a father and a sister right in front of me, holding me together and giving me the family I lost.

  “Indy, tell me,” he demands, before a cough racks his body. I turn and grab the bottle of water, letting him sip it until he can relax back, his face red. “Please.”

  Putting the cup back, I sit and think of where to start, but so much has happened that I blurt it all out, every little detail. He nods along, his face getting darker by the second until I am done, and he looks like he wants to kill someone. “They are locked up, you are sure?” he questions and I nod.

  “Fucking Harron,” he mutters and I stiffen…did I actually say Harron out loud? I stare at Howard and he freezes, looking at me in panic.

  “I didn’t say Harron,” I whisper, my heart thudding against my chest.

  “Indy—” He whispers.

  “I didn’t say Harron!” I yell, sliding back from the chair and staring at him in horror. He winces before looking at the door then back at me.

  “Let me explain,” he begs, sitting up and then wincing in pain.

  “Explain,” I order, feeling like a kid begging her dad to tell her that the monster in the cupboard isn’t real. “Tell me you’re not,” I challenge, grinding my teeth together. How many of the people I love are lying to me? How many more blows do I have to take?

  “I’m not part of them, not really, Indy, I swear. I joined when your parents did, when it was just a group trying to deal with the truth only we know, and wanting to tell everyone. When their views became…more radical, I tried to get out, I did, and it cost me everything. I did something, something I can never undo. Something that has wrecked my life and eats me from the inside, especially every time I see your face. I was trying to atone for it, so I started working with the head of security. Spying for him and relaying back, but the rebels were blackmailing me. They were going to tell everyone unless I paid them, so I did. I never wanted to take your credits, but I had to. I couldn’t—I couldn’t fathom what would happen when they told people. They can lock me up, kill me, I don’t care, but I couldn’t bear the way Effie and you would look at me. I was always both of your heroes, you worshipped the ground I worked on and I couldn’t watch that disappear and change to hate,” he blabbers, getting more anxious.

  The air is stuck in my chest, like my whole world is shifting, and I know whatever he says next won’t just break me…it will end me, yet I can’t help but ask. “What did you do?” I whisper.

  Tears fall down his face as he watches me. “God, I’m so sorry cupcake, so fucking sorry, please don’t hate me. I hate myself, please, please,” he pleads, but I stand up, hands fisted.

  “What. Did. You. Do?” I scream.

  He looks up with tears on his lashes. “I killed your parents.”

  The next few moments are a blur and when I finally blink, I find myself on the floor, pressed against the wall. I reach my hand up to my face, pulling it away to see my tears glistening on my fingertips. My heart has been torn from my chest and I turn to the side and dry heave. Memories of my parents flash in my mind, only to end on the one with my mum dead against the glass. No, no, no.

  “I’m sorry,” he cries, and I turn as if in slow motion to see him fall from the bed and crawl towards me, yet I don’t move. I don’t think I could if I tried. He stops before me, not touching. “I’m so sorry, please, cupcake. They told me it was empty, that I was just destroying some samples. Your parents weren’t supposed to be there. I didn’t even know until they called me to come and get you. Oh God, I nearly died. That night, I took a gun and put it in my mouth, but I couldn’t, I couldn’t do it. I loved them, Indy, you have to know that, they were my best friends. I never would have hurt them on purpose. It was supposed to just be samples,” he whispers.

  “Samples?” I mumble.

  “Samples, Indy, your parents had found a way to save Ayama and the rebellion did not like that. That’s what they fought about, why they left it. They were going to save Ayama, which made the rebellion obsolete. We realised too late that they didn’t care about the truth, just the power it offered them. Your parents got out and I tried to follow. They threatened Effie, told me if I didn’t blow the samples they would kill her. I knew they would, Indy, so I did it. God help me, I did it.”

  “The woman, that’s what she wanted from me, to know if I knew,” I conclude, my voice cold and dead like a machine.

  “Your mum, she hid some samples, Indy, hid her research and they found out after. I threw them off you, but I knew it would only be a matter of time before they approached you, I just didn’t know how—” He stops, sobs racking his chest. “I can never forget their blood is on my hands. I had to save you. I had to raise and protect you, for them. Every day, I fell more and more in love with you. I watched you grow, I watched you love me, I was your hero, I was your family, and I had killed your parents. It rotted me from the inside out, so I worked myself to the bone, tried to forget, I told myself I’d just get you to Ayama and so you would be safe, and then I could tell them everything. I could pay for my crimes, you could finally know.”

  “I thought it was an accident,” I whisper and I know I am in shock, half of his words are not even penetrating my mind right now.

  “I’m so sorry.” He keeps repeating it, trying to grab me, but I struggle against him and scramble away, turning to gag again at the thought of him touching me. I had loved this man, I had let him in, let him comfort me. I had done everything for him…and he was the reason I was an orphan. He had taken everything from me.

  “I’m so sorry,” he gasps, and I look up as the door opens.

  Effie races to her dad’s side. “What are you doing out of bed? Daddy, what the—” She grabs him and screams for us to help him. Barrott grasps him and puts him back in the bed as I watch from the corner. Howard’s eyes never leave mine, begging. Everyone turns to me with concern lighting their faces.

  “Baby?”

  “Babe?” Effie murmurs, stepping closer.

  My eyes dart to Howard and I watch his whole world implode, knowing I will tell her, but can I do that to him? To her?

  “I’m fine, I’m fine.” I stumble to my feet and Effie reaches out to steady me when Rhet rushes into the room, freezing when he sees us all.

  “Effie, Effie it didn’t work!” he yells, rushing to Howard’s side who is coughing again.

  “What, what didn’t work?” she asks, looking from him to me.

  “The antidote. I did some tests and the poison is still in his bloodstream. I can try again but Effie, I—” He stops and I know that look.

  “No,” she gasps, flinging herself at her dad who holds her, stroking her hair with acceptance on his face as he looks at me.

  I can’t, I can’t tell her.

  “Is he
dying?” I ask coldly.

  Effie gasps, looking at me in horror.

  “I, er, m—” Rhet mumbles.

  “Is he?” I ask again.

  “Yes,” he admits and Effie sobs, screaming about it being unfair before she jumps to her feet, hell-bent on saving him, muttering that she can do it.

  I look back at Howard and know I can’t do it, I can’t tell her. It will kill her, and in his last few days he will have to watch his daughter hate him, I can’t.

  “Baby,” Barrott calls, stepping closer.

  Forcing my feet to move, I go to Howard’s bedside. “There is nothing you can do?” I question.

  “No, I—no,” Rhet admits heavily.

  “There has to be,” Effie whispers, stumbling back.

  “It’s okay, pumpkin,” Howard says with a small smile.

  She sobs, turning and burying her face in Rhet’s chest as I look down at Howard.

  “Will you tell her?” he inquires softly.

  “No,” I reply.

  “Thank you, cupcake,” he cries.

  “I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for her. I love her and this will kill her,” I snap, stepping back from his outstretched hands before I turn and leave, needing to be away from him before I do something I will regret.

  Howard, he-he killed my parents. He took everything from me and now he is dying. It’s almost a numb thought as I fall to the floor outside the medical room, and only when Barrott wraps me in his arms do I realise I am crying.

  Ground Day Nine

  I don’t know how long I sit in Barrott’s arms, just holding him as I cry. He thinks it’s because of Howard, if only he knew the truth…the one burning a hole inside me. Howard said it was eating him alive and I know what he means, it’s killing me. I want to blurt it out, rage and scream, but I can’t, because there will be consequences and he is a dying man...my best friend’s father…my pseudo father.

  I force myself to stand, working on autopilot to go and check on Effie. Even with the pain in my soul, I know she needs me, so I push Barrott away and step into the room, not able to look at Howard. When she sees me she marches right up to me and slaps me, hard. I blink, turning my face back, my cheek already on fire. Spaceballs, that packs a punch and also dislodged some of the numbness, so I scramble to keep it clinging to me because if this is how much it hurts now…I won’t survive when the shock wears off.

  She is ranting, screaming at me. I can see her mouth moving, but my ears are buzzing until Howard’s voice cuts through it all.

  “Enough!” he yells, his father tone cutting through until Effie looks back at him. “Enough,” he repeats, sagging in the bed like that shout took everything out of him. “Effie, she was okay, she deserves to be like that, don’t be mad at her. Pumpkin, I need to tell you something,” he whispers, looking like he is facing down his worst fears.

  “No,” I blurt, stepping forward, my eyes catching on him. “Don’t, she doesn’t need to know this,” I snap. Effie is looking between us in confusion.

  “Daddy?” she whispers.

  “No,” I demand again.

  “It’s not fair—” He breaks out coughing. “For you to have to live with this secret, I shouldn’t have told you like that. I can’t ever make up for what I did to you, Indy, or what I put you through, but I won’t have you two fighting. She needs to know, she deserves the truth as well.”

  “No,” I snap again, begging, because I don’t want to hear it again, I can’t, please no.

  Barrott steps closer. “What truth, baby, what did he do?” He turns to me, angry and worried, and I look at him, lost and scared. “Baby?”

  “Daddy?” Effie asks again.

  “Please, don’t,” I whisper, the room quieting at my words. “I can’t—I, it’s fine. Let her hate me, let her be mad, but not this. She won’t—” I stop, sucking in deep breaths to try and stop my ranting.

  “Someone better tell me this fucking second!” Barrott roars, spinning to Howard. “What have you done to her? Why does she look like that? Tell me!” he screams. I watch, having never seen him lose it like this. He is breathing hard, his face red and body vibrating as he faces down the dying man.

  “Big guy,” I whisper, and he turns straight away, rushing to my side and wrapping his arms around me, whispering soothing nothings, but I can still feel him glaring at Howard.

  “Dad?” Effie demands again.

  I hold Howard’s gaze, begging him. I can keep this from her, I can’t let her hate him. He needs her now and as much as he…as much as he has done to me, nobody deserves to die alone and scared. I guess part of me knew all along he wasn’t going to make it, and now that I know the truth…fuck, I don’t even know. My emotions are all over the place, I’m getting whiplash from them. Grief for him and my parents races through me with anger, pain, and hate twisting me up inside, and underneath…bone deep weariness.

  “Sweetie, I need you to listen to everything I have to say, I need you to understand—” He starts and I turn, rushing out the door. I slide down to the floor outside again, covering my ears. I can’t listen to it again, I can’t. Barrott stays in the doorway, keeping his eye on me as he listens to Howard explain everything…

  A tap comes on my shoulder, and I let go of my ears and look up into Barrott’s stricken expression. It’s warring between anger and heartbreak, and with a cry I throw myself in his arms. He holds me tight, and soon after I feel more arms joining us, and when I lift my head I see Auden and Eldon there, holding me. We stay like that for a while, just holding me together.

  “Indy?” comes a tentative, broken whisper, and I glance out of the pile of bodies to see Effie.

  She looks as shocked as I was and utterly guilty and pained. I hold my hand out without a word and she sobs, grabbing it and moving into our huddle, her cries soft and pained, before I realise she is whispering, “Didn’t know, sorry,” over and over again, and I shush her.

  I concentrate on her pain, not mine, holding her, because although it has been over a year since I lost them, it feels fresh today, but Effie needs me now more than ever, and for her I will ignore it all. “Shhh, I know, I know,” I soothe.

  We hold each other for a long time before someone comes skidding into the hallway. I can almost hear them debating whether to interrupt, so I sigh and look up, meeting Jim’s eyes. “We have a problem,” he declares, out of breath and wide-eyed, and I just fucking lose it.

  I start laughing and swearing as everyone watches me. “Of-fucking-course-we-spacedick-do,” I hiccup.

  “What happened?” Barrott demands, rubbing my back as Auden and Eldon wrap around me tighter.

  “Er, well, the rebels got free. They knocked out Riley, killed a guard, and as far as we can track them, went into the trees. They also took food and weapons before they left,” he rushes out and I finally stop laughing.

  Dropping my head back, I stare at the ceiling, really? I can’t catch one fucking break?

  “Is Riley okay? Who was the guard?” Barrott barks.

  “Terry, she is okay, pissed as hell and pretty scary,” he admits, and a smile curls my lips, sounds about right.

  “Let’s go.” I heave myself up, but Barrott stops me.

  “No, you stay here,” he orders, and I narrow my eyes.

  “No, I need to be there. People will be scared and looking to us for direction, we can’t afford to look weak now. I’m fine and I would rather be there than here,” I tell him, and once I have said I’m fine…I weirdly am. Like I have gotten all my emotions out and I just don’t have any more room for hate and pain, life’s too short for it. The past is that, the past. It doesn’t mean I will be forgiving Howard so easily, or ever, but it means I can accept this. He had a choice, a really fucking bad one, and he made a mistake, one he has lived with and regretted, even on his deathbed. I have too much to deal with to keep grudges. Maybe I am just over all this shit, but I feel like I can finally breathe again. As they say, all the cards are dealt, I just need to make my move. Life
isn’t all ups, and stars know I have had my share of lows, but among the way I found a new family. I found love, it might have all happened for a reason, I will never know, but I can’t regret where I am right now, not looking into Barrott, Auden, and Eldon’s eyes…and yes, even Cain. Maybe all this time I have been fighting to get here, to a new home, fighting for the truth, even if I didn’t know it, but my fight isn’t over yet.

  I know all of the secrets are out now. I feel it in my soul, no more weight waiting to punch us in the gut. I can deal, I can move forward, and that means making sure our colony survives and learning how to live with everything. I look at Effie. “Stay with him?” I ask.

  “I—” She looks away. “I know you hate him, I do a little bit, but he’s still my dad, Indy,” she whispers and I nod.

  “I know, you can love him, babe, it’s okay. He made a mistake, it was a bad situation all around and honestly, I don’t know what I would have done in his place…I can’t forgive him, don’t ask me to, but I also can’t forget everything he has done whether out of guilt or not,” I finish and she nods.

  “I’ll be here, I’ll check on Jolp as well. The jinum told me to tell you that the peace still stands, and when you have a moment to speak with him, he would like to see you,” she whispers and I step away, looking at Barrott. He watches me, his eyes filled with love and pride.

  “I can’t deal with any more lies. No one else fucking lie to me or I will start punching dicks,” I warn, laughing desperately. “But we have other things to deal with as always, the truth is always better, even when painful, raw, and ugly. Those pretty lies don’t help anyone in the long run,” I state loudly, looking in at Howard who is watching us, before I turn away and follow after them as we leave the alien camp, and head back to the human one to see what destruction the rebels have caused yet again.

  When we reach the camp, I see a body covered in a white sheet near the command centre and a pissed looking Riley barking orders. When she sees us, she stomps over. “Fuckers hit me from behind. They convinced Terry to open the door, saying one of them was hurt, and they slit his throat before coming for me. While I was out, they set some fires to distract everyone, grabbed some food and weapons, and hightailed it into the fucking jungle,” she rants.