Her Secret

by Tara Fox Hall

  My condition didn’t improve; if anything, the only change was that I was more tired now than I had been before. Though I slept well and soundly each night, I took naps in the daytime now, too. I chalked it up to winter malaise, not wanting to admit the real cause was likely a long-term effect of the drug I was taking.

  During a brief pause in his hectic schedule, Terian finally gave me my box to keep Devlin’s choker in. When he gave it to me, it appeared as if he was giving me thin air. The moment I touched it, the box revealed itself, the point of contact with my hands showing first, and moving across the box’s structure, until it was completely revealed.

  “Thanks, this will be perfect.”

  “When you put it down, the box will wink out of sight,” Terian cautioned. “Remember where you put it, because it’s very easy to lose something that isn’t visible until you touch it.”

  “Makes sense,” I replied. “Um, I’m not sure how to ask without prying, so I’ll just say it. Have you contacted Titus yet?”

  “Not yet,” he said, an uneasy look passing across his face. “I’m not sure what to say to him. He’s been told I exist, and he hasn’t contacted me. Besides, Leri isn’t dead.”

  I nodded. “I know. Danial told me last week when we were riding together. I’ve been nervous about it ever since.”

  “She shouldn’t come back,” Terian assured me. “Titus knows about her attack. Danial said Leri hasn’t been staying in Hayden.”

  “She may still blame you and me. She’s got to be grieving for what she lost.”

  “She had only herself to blame,” he said darkly. “Now if you’re all set, I need to work.”

  I left Terian’s lab and went directly to Danial. “May I have the envelope back?”

  He opened his safe without a word. I reached in and pulled it out under his watchful eyes, praying the contents hadn’t shifted enough for any metallic clinking. That night I put the choker in the box along with the note Devlin had written me, asking me to come to him. I was tempted again to call him, but instead closed the box quickly, storing it in a drawer where it winked out of sight.

  * * * *

  Danial began his intense work schedule closer to the beginning of December in an effort to tie up as much business as he could before the holidays. He worked every night, and most days from his home, reporting to clients what needed to be done, what he’d discovered for them, and completing paperwork for each finished case. In his relieved estimation, he would have nearly every open job closed by Christmas.

  I did my best to keep up with the increased workload. It helped that there were no new cases to begin or update. Danial had instructed me to tell all new clients that the business would be closed for the month of January. If they were insistent about waiting, he would let them book an appointment now, but otherwise he recommended they find someone else. To my pride, most clients opted to wait. Before long, February was completely booked.

  Along with the rest of us, Devlin was also keeping busy. He kept up an almost constant barrage of romantic emails, replying to each of the cases I forwarded to him with suggestive poetry. On December twelfth, I made the mistake of replying to one of his emails, a quote by F.A. Kemble:

  What shall I do with all the days and hours that must be counted ere I see your face?

  How shall I charm the interval that lowers between this time and that sweet time of grace?

  Oh, how, or by what means, may I contrive to bring the hour that brings you back more near?

  How may I teach my drooping hopes to live until the blessed time that thou art here?

  I wrote back, Stop sending these. You are not making things easy for me. That reply prompted him to send a new email every day instead of just in response to my emails.

  I hadn’t known that there were so many poems of unrequited love and longing. Worse, poetry was not all. On the thirteenth of December, a deliveryman came with a dozen fire and ice roses to Danial’s home. They were for me, from Devlin.

  Sar, I know you enjoy these, so I am sending them to you. Today is my birthday, or as close as I remember. Think of me, and know I wish I were there with you, beside you.

  Love, Dev

  Danial heard the delivery van leave, and came out of his bedroom. “Flowers? They must be from Devlin for you.”

  Theo never got me flowers, but I thought it disloyal to say that to Danial. “Yes. He said it’s his birthday. When you talk to him, tell him Happy Birthday, and I wish the same.”

  Curious, Danial read the card. His expression became startled.

  “What is it?” I asked, breathing in the scent of roses. “God, they smell wonderful.”

  “Sar, did you read this?” Danial said, his voice strangled.

  “Yes,” I said slowly, not understanding. “I thought it was sweet.”

  Danial looked apoplectic. “Sweet?”

  “He said he wished he could be here beside me for his birthday. Why are you upset?”

  Danial roared with laughter.

  “What is so funny?” I said with narrowed eyes, putting my hands on my hips.

  “Take another look at the card, Sar,” he said, still choking. “The word written there is not beside, it’s inside.”

  My faced turned red by inches, until combustion seemed a certain fate as I was so hot with embarrassment. “Son of a bitch!”

  Danial was still smiling with mirth, already dialing his phone with a purpose. He yelled good-naturedly, “Devlin! Sar got your flowers. What the hell are you thinking, sending that note where anyone could read it?” He paused, listening. “Yes, she liked them. At least while she thought the card said beside.”

  Faint laughter poured out of the phone in a melodious rich burst.

  Furious, I ripped the card off the flowers and stalked into Danial’s bedroom, where I tore it into miniscule pieces and put it in Danial’s wood stove. Then I lit it, watching it burn until it was nothing but ashes. I did laugh, when I was alone in there, but knew I had to keep it to myself, because Danial was right. Devlin was walking a tightrope here, and there was too much at stake to screw around like he had.

  Danial hung up as I came back into the great room. “I told him not to do that again, but I’m not sure how much good it will do. Dev said he was sorry, and that he hoped you liked the flowers.”

  “You know he’s not sorry at all.”

  “I know,” he said, kissing my cheek gently. “But he does love you, Sar. I think he’s a little obsessed with you, frankly.”

  “Why?” I said sarcastically. “Because of my summer blood?”

  “Because you are not falling at his feet. You have not told him you loved him.”

  I gave Danial a skeptical look. “Surely other women must have resisted his advances?”

  “None I know of,” he said. “He always gets his way.”

  “Then does he really love me, or that he can’t have me?”

  “Probably a little of both,” Danial said honestly. “It’s hard to say. I’m his brother and I don’t understand how his mind works.”

  Theo came in the front door, and saw the flowers. “From Devlin?” he said, smelling them. “He got you some like this before. I remembered, because they were so unusual.”

  “Yes,” I said, blushing faintly. “It’s his birthday.”

  Suddenly, it dawned on me that I’d never celebrated a birthday with either of the men standing before me. Deep shame soaked me to the bone that I had never asked, especially Danial. “By the way, when are your birthdays?”

  “Mine is in May,” Theo said uncomfortably.

  “Mine is in the fall, I think,” Danial said distantly. “I have not kept track of it for many years. Do not feel badly about it, as I don’t celebrate it. Theo hasn’t either for many years.”

  His tone was reminiscent of someone who’d been used to many birthdays slipping by with not only no presents, but also no remembrance. Saddened but resolute, I got pen and paper from my purse and made a note of both months, and their names. “We will
celebrate both from now on,” I said gently, yet firmly. “We’ve seen too much death not to take every chance to celebrate life.”

  Danial obviously didn’t know what to say. Theo just nodded happily. For now, that was a small step in the right direction.

  * * * *

  That next week, Theo and I had our first therapy appointment with Dr. Clay. It wasn’t far from Danial’s home, near Camlyn’s office. To my relief, the psychologist knew that there were conscious creatures besides humans in the world. To my surprise, the doctor was a woman.

  “Good to meet you. My name is Carol Clay. You can just call me Carol. And you are?”

  “Theo and Sar,” I answered.

  “And what do you think you can accomplish in the time we spend together? Theo, you go first.”

  Theo gave her a blank look. She turned to me, inviting me to speak.

  “To start, we need to work on Theo’s jealousy and my guilt.”

  “Please explain, Sar,” Carol said soothingly. “What is Theo jealous of, and why are you guilty? Did you have an affair?”

  “No,” I said, feeling better immediately. “Theo and I were apart for a few years. In that time, I went back to the man I’d been with before him, the man I’d left to be with him. I had a baby with that man, and raised Theo’s child by another woman with him.”

  “Why are you jealous about this man, Theo?” Carol said, still soothingly. “You were not together with Sar at the time she was with him.”

  “I’m not jealous that she was with him then,” Theo said, sounding exasperated already. “I’m jealous because she still wants him and because they had sex a month ago.”

  Carol looked at me questioningly.

  “The other man was a vampire,” I said hesitantly. “I was starting to turn when I left him. I’m slowly going back to normal, but my doctor said it will take another few months.” I took a breath. “This doctor advised me to be intimate with Danial in the meantime, to try to stave off my seeking out another vampire to complete my transformation.”

  “That’s not a suggestion I’ve heard of before,” Carol replied.

  “The idea was he’d not exchange any fluids with me, but spending time with him would make my withdrawal more bearable,” I explained. “When we tried it, we ended up giving in, despite our efforts not to. When I got home, Theo admitted that he’d wanted to kill Danial, and was going to leave me if I went to Danial for sex again, even if the plan had worked.”

  “Theo, why aren’t you letting Sar see Danial, especially if her doctor says that that is best? This seems not an affair of the heart, but a medical need.”

  “Because I don’t want my wife fucking anyone but me,” Theo growled at her.

  I rolled my eyes, but Carol took it in stride. “Theo, there is no need for swearing here, as I’m not trying to antagonize you, just to get you to share what you’re feeling. But feel free to use whatever words best describes your feelings.”

  “Okay,” Theo said neutrally.

  “Carol,” I interjected, “When that plan didn’t work, I got some drugs from my doctor that take away my desire. It worked a lot better than being with Danial. Frankly, it was a relief not to continue with the former plan, because I didn’t like how I felt afterward.”

  “How did you feel, Sar?”

  “Like I was using him. I felt dirty.”

  “You love this vampire, don’t you?” Carol said.

  “Danial is his name,” I answered. “Yes, I love him a lot.”

  “Wait a minute” Carol said, recognition in her eyes. “Your name is Sarelle?”

  Sigh. I was a famous celebrity now, after all. “Yes, I was the one who had the dhamphir.”

  “It’s so interesting to finally meet you,” she said pleasantly.

  Theo shifted in his seat, irritated. “Can we get back to our problems?” he said, trying not to growl.

  “Of course,” she said smoothly. “Excuse me.” She paused, and then spoke again. “Sar, I can understand Theo’s jealousy, but not your guilt. You didn’t cause this problem. Why are you guilty?”

  Clearly, I would need a private session to tell her about Devlin. Nevertheless, I had some other reasons that needed to be spoken. “Because deep down inside, I am angry at Theo.”

  His head swiveled to me instantly, shocked.

  “There was another woman he wanted to marry, and he was going to choose her over me,” I said emotionally. “And another one he was living with—”

  “I didn’t live with Aspen—”

  “Theo married me without telling her. She confronted him when we were filing our marriage certificate. And before you ask, yes, I knew they were in a relationship.”

  “Theo, why didn’t you tell Aspen that you were going to marry Sar?”

  “I planned to tell her,” Theo said, running his hands through his hair. “But you weren’t there. After the dream ended, I had to be with Sar.” He explained about the dream we’d shared briefly. “I was sure she’d married or Oathed to Danial, and when I found out she was free, I couldn’t wait another minute.” He muttered something.

  “Theo, speak your feelings louder. We are listening.”

  “I said fat lot of good it did me! Sar still wants Danial.”

  “Some of that is that they had a previous relationship, and some of that is her medical condition,” Carol said gently. “It’s normal for her to still feel affection toward him, even desire him. What you have to remember is that Sar is your wife, and she doesn’t want to be intimate with this other man. She has stated that clearly several times.” She paused. “Now if you will accept that—”

  “I’ll accept that when she’s back to normal,” Theo interrupted. “She should be like she used to in another few weeks. But we’re not here only to talk about what we’ve discussed. Sar also endured an assault this past fall. She needs to talk to someone about that, because she hasn’t told anyone, and she says she can’t tell me.”

  Carol looked at me “Is this true, Sar?”

  I nodded reluctantly.

  “Sar, do you feel comfortable discussing what happened to you in front of Theo?”

  “No,” I said. “But I’ll tell you the stark outline, if you want me to. This upsets Theo also, because I...I, um...I enjoyed it.”

  My admission didn’t faze her in the slightest. “Are you embarrassed because you enjoyed it, or because you actively fantasize about forced sex? Sometimes women respond in odd ways to—”

  “I’m embarrassed because I should have escaped. The first time was—”

  “The first time!” Theo roared. “There was more than one? How many times did he have you?”

  “I can’t do this,” I said in a small voice.

  “You can,” Carol encouraged. She shot Theo a deathly look. “Theo will be silent.”

  “The first time he forced me, he hurt me, even though he tried not to. But what hurt the most was I couldn’t stop him, that no one was stopping him, and I did everything I could to get him off me and it wasn’t enough.” I wiped away sudden tears.

  Theo grabbed my hand. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I should’ve been there.”

  “What happened after, Sar?”

  I chose my words as carefully as I could. “The second time, he told me he wanted me to enjoy it. I tried my best, but I couldn’t hold out, and eventually I came for him.” I shot Carol a look. “That’s all I’m comfortable saying.”

  Carol caught my unspoken message, and nodded to me once. “You need a private session, Sar, to discuss your feelings about this. This may be the root of your problem.”

  No maybes about it. “When?”

  She checked her desk planner. “I have a three p.m. appointment free tomorrow, if that’s doable.”

  I nodded. “I’ll be here.”

  “Theo, do you feel better, hearing Sar tell you what happened to her?”

  “Yes. I couldn’t understand what happened from the little I knew. I was angry because she told me that she enjoyed it. I ne
ver blamed her for it happening; I blamed myself, and the men who took her.” He paused. “I understand now that what I thought occurred wasn’t what really happened.”

  No, it had been that and an ocean more...

  “Sar, do you feel better, now that you’ve told Theo what happened?”

  No, I feel guiltier than ever. “A little,” I whispered.

  “That’s enough for today,” Carol said, glancing at the clock. “Sar, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Later that night as we lay in bed, Theo whispered, “Sar, I’m sorry. I know what it must have cost you to come back to me after and act like everything was fine.”

  I didn’t reply.

  “Did Devlin find you—?” he asked haltingly

  “He found me naked on a bed, with five men and Alphonse around us, watching,” I said coldly. “He killed them all.”

  “They’re dead, all of them,” Theo soothed, his arms tightening around me. “You came through it, and you’re going to be okay. I’m going to be here to make sure you’re okay. If you need anything, just tell me.”

  “I didn’t want you to know,” I said softly. “But it’s a relief to talk about it.”

  “We’ll keep going back, Sar. As many times as it takes.”

  I hugged him tight, and didn’t reply.

  * * * *

  “Good afternoon, Sar.”

  “Carol, is everything I say to you confidential?”

  “Yes. Now what did you not feel comfortable telling me yesterday?”

  “You’re sure this is confidential?”

  “Yes. Not only can I not tell Theo, I can’t tell anyone, or I risk losing my license. The exception would be if you’d harmed someone, or planned to hurt someone, including yourself.”

  I shifted uncomfortably. “I need you to know that there is more to the story.”

  “Go on,” she encouraged. “Tell me about this encounter. What was this man’s name?”

  Oddly, I didn’t want to tell her Devlin’s name. “I’d rather not give you his name just yet.”