Her Secret

by Tara Fox Hall

  I pinched him. He began tickling me, fending off my struggles to get free.

  “Stop!” I pleaded.

  Theo backed off, reclining back. “Are they having fun? They seem to be.”

  “Yes. Are you still hungry? There are some chicken fingers left over.”

  “Not anymore there’s not,” Theo replied.

  “Did you eat the donuts too?”

  “Just three.”

  There was a commotion from the other room suddenly. I got up and went into Elle’s room, where they girls were giggling and shrieking.

  “It’s time for bed,” I said sternly. “No more noise, okay?”

  “Okay,” they all chimed.

  Way too cooperative. They must have flashlights ready for when I left. I shut the door, hearing the muted giggling began again. Walking into the bedroom, I discovered a huge cougar curled up waiting for me.

  “Theo!” I chastised. “What do you think you’re doing?”

  He purred, kneading his claws on the comforter.

  “We have strangers in the house, and we need to act as normal as possible, which even on a good day is hard to accomplish.”

  Theo purred deeper, and flipped over lightly on his back.

  I crawled in bed. “Suit yourself. It’s on you if one of the girls comes in here and sees you.”

  * * * *

  Elle woke us up the next morning at seven. Theo was still cougar, and we were just lucky she told her friends that all of them coming to surprise us wasn’t a good idea.

  After plying the girls with donuts, I got them all dressed. They played for a short time outside, and soon after, the first mother arrived to pick her daughter up.

  When we’d scheduled the sleepover, I’d expected a long, drawn out, low-key morning, like the ones I experienced in my own youth. But times had changed, and all of the girls had other planned events they had to attend, so they had to get up early. From the mothers’ harried explanations, this was the norm. I smiled and sighed with relief, glad Elle’s schedule wasn’t so hectic.

  By the time the last girl was packed off, I was exhausted. I went back to bed, and Theo got up, then helped Elle pack her overnight bags and some of the things she was taking back to Danial’s. When I woke up, Terian had already come and picked up Elle.

  I felt somehow cheated, but there wasn’t time to pity myself. Elle’s recital was in a few hours.

  After showering and walking the dogs, we dressed hurriedly and drove to the recital hall. We made it in plenty of time, yet Danial had still beaten us there. He was holding court much as Theo had before, several mothers clustered around him.

  As we came closer, Danial looked up and saw us. He motioned Theo and me down to him, where he had saved us some second row seats.

  “Hey,” I said, sitting down next to him. “You’re early.”

  “I didn’t want to be late,” he said pointedly. “Someone had to save the best seats.”

  I clasped his hand. “Thanks.”

  He gave my cheek a gentle kiss. “If so many eyes weren’t watching us, I would give you a more preferable kiss, Sar,” he teased.

  “Knock it off,” Theo growled, sitting down on my other side.

  “Later,” I said to Danial, patting his hand.

  Then the curtain went up, and the recital begun.

  If you have ever been to a dance recital, they are all much the same. The first few numbers are wonderful, the cute outfits darling. By the tenth number, and the end of the second hour, if you are waiting to see your child, you are beginning to wonder if the torture will ever end.

  Finally, our waiting paid off, and Elle came onstage. She was beautiful in her red tutu, her hair gathered sharply up under a sequined band to show her graceful neck. Her moments were feline in their grace, and she was easily the best student in her class. It was there in the lines of her form, and her delicate movements, that one day she would be as sultry and beautiful as her mother, Tawny, had been.

  All too soon, she was done and taking a bow as we and the rest of the audience clapped.

  After one more routine, the show was over. As all the girls came out to take a bow, Danial produced roses for each of us. We brought them up to the stage together, and handed them to Elle. After a few pictures, Danial lifted her down.

  Elle hugged us all, but she talked to Danial the most, asking if he saw her about ten times.

  “Yes. You were wonderful, and I am very, very proud of you.”

  Theo and I echoed Danial’s sentiments.

  “Go say goodbye to your friends,” Danial told Elle. “We must be going.”

  As Elle raced off, Danial began dialing his phone.

  “Are you heading home?” I asked.

  “Brian is coming to pick us up,” Danial said, giving my hand a quick kiss. “He’s waiting around the block. I gather you’re not coming home with us?”

  “No,” I said tiredly. “I’m worn out. Next Saturday?”

  “That will be the last before the party,” Danial said neutrally. “Yes, I’ll plan for it. Riding?”

  “No, it’s been too cold lately. Let’s stay in and rent a movie or something.”

  “I’ll read to you,” Danial said, nodding. “Be there at dark.” His attention shifted, and he began speaking to Brian.

  “I thought you were going to go,” Theo whispered, his arms going around my waist. “I’m glad you didn’t. But I don’t mind if you want to, really.”

  I did a double take. “You sound like you want me to go.”

  “No,” Theo said, uncomfortably. “I just expected you to. You’ve gone every Saturday until now.”

  The more he talked, the odder I was feeling. “The turning is almost reversed, Theo. Aren’t you happy about that?”

  “Of course,” Theo said soothingly. “You know, Elle was great. She’s got real talent.”

  “She may decide to be a dancer.”

  “I’d rather she used her brain than her body. I need to use both to do my job and eventually, I won’t be able to do it anymore. Professional dancers can only dance until they are what, thirty? Then they have to teach, or do something else.”

  “Theo, that’s a long way off. But that reminds me, why didn’t you mention you’d become second?”

  “Who told you I was second?” Theo said, his eyes narrowing. “Danial?”

  “No, he didn’t. Are you?”

  “No, I’m third. They’re still working out the details of the second’s demise.”

  “You never said anything,” I said angrily. “Last I knew you were fifth.”

  “There was an accidental death, or at least, that’s the way it’s being written up,” Theo said wickedly. “But yes, the other was murder, cut and dried. Well, actually, quartered and disemboweled,”

  “You know, I think I will go with Danial,” I said angrily. I stalked off, just managing to catch the Expedition before it left.

  “Mom’s coming,” Elle said, grabbing hold of the steering wheel. “Wait, Brian.”

  “You changed your mind?” Danial said as he opened the back door, a pleased expression on his face.

  “Yes,” I said, climbing in beside him. “Theo needs some time to himself.”

  Danial gave me an odd look, then nodded, clasping my hand in his. “Then we’ll make good use of the time. Come, let’s go out to dinner to celebrate Elle’s triumph.”

  “Yes!” Elle shouted. “Pizza!”

  “Sounds good,” I said, leaning into Danial’s shoulder. “We can bring home some dessert for Theoron.”

  * * * *

  “Theo, tell us again why you didn’t tell Aspen about Sar before you married her?”

  “We’ve been over this already!” Theo said, exasperated. “I wanted to marry her right then and there. I didn’t know where Aspen was at that moment and I didn’t care.”

  “But you were intimate with her, Theo. Don’t you feel you should have told her?”

  “That doesn’t mean I loved her,” Theo said simply. “I like se
x. I always have. When Aspen came and offered herself to me, I accepted. I wanted her. I never promised her anything.”

  “Isn’t it true though that you asked her to move in with you?” Carol said.

  “Yes,” Theo said, agitated now. “I wanted her around, because I liked to be with her. Why do we have to talk about her every time we come here? I haven’t seen her since the night I told her I didn’t ever want to see her again. Why is she even an issue we have to discuss?”

  “You were falling in love with her,” I spoke up, giving him a glance. “I want to know how you could treat her how you did, and then cry over her afterwards.”

  Theo’s eyes were yellow as he answered. “She wasn’t you. After that dream, it was like the years we were apart disappeared. If I hadn’t found you in that hotel, I’d have gone back East. I knew I’d find you with Danial. I knew you’d go back to him. You’ve never been able to stay away from him for very long since you met him.”

  “That’s not true,” I said loudly.

  “Theo, we were talking of Aspen, not Sar. Did you love her?”

  “I liked her. I liked having sex with her. She was werecougar like me, and I’d never been with a female of my own kind. There was animal attraction between us, and it was most of our relationship, as it had been with Tawny, my first lover. I thought in that last month with her that maybe I could come to love her, in time. Most of it was loneliness. I didn’t want to hurt her, in any case, and I know I did.” He paused. “There isn’t anything more to say about her.”

  “What did you feel for this other woman, Tasha?” Carol asked.

  “I loved her,” Theo said, his eyes on the floor.

  “More than me,” I needled. “Be honest.”

  Carol shot me a warning glance, and then looked back at Theo. “Why did you love her, Theo? Was it because she nursed you back to health?”

  Theo didn’t answer immediately. He let out a long breath, and finally said, “I don’t know that it was any one thing. I was grateful to her for helping me. For being kind to me, for letting me out of the cage I’d been in. For letting me sleep with her inside where it was warm—”

  I’d known that’s what had prompted all his cougar snuggling with me. Damn her.

  “—and for her gentle touch where before I’d had only pain.” Theo paused again.

  I wanted to be anywhere but there. Hearing this ripped my heart out all over again. Angrily, I asked myself why it bothered me so much. If I couldn’t let it go, why the hell was I staying with Theo? I was almost well, and Danial would welcome me back with open arms...

  “I felt affection for her, and sexual desire. I hadn’t been with anyone in over a year. Sometime after we first had sex, I realized I was in love with her. When she asked me to spend my life with her, I didn’t hesitate.”

  “Why didn’t you think about Sar?” Carol asked. “You say you knew she’d go back to Danial. Why not call her and sever the ties completely? And what about Elle? Weren’t you worried about your daughter?”

  Theo‘s eyes were yellow again. “I was tired of pain. I was tired of being hurt, of fighting, of killing people. I wanted some peace. I looked at the life I would lead with Tasha, and it seemed a good one. I’d sent Danial back to take care of Sar and Elle. I knew he’d take care of them if he made it back to the hotel, and I expected that he had. He didn’t get to be four hundred plus without having a strong will to live. What was the point of calling after a year had passed? If they hadn’t made it, I didn’t want to know. If they had and were happy together, I didn’t want to know that, either.”

  I stared at him, aghast, trying to find some words to say.

  “I understand you went through a horrible ordeal,” Carol said neutrally. “I can understand you not wanting to find out on top of that Sar and Elle were dead. But you say you expected them to be alive and well. If the situation had been reversed, can you honestly say you’d understand if Sar was alive and well in another country, and she let you believe she was dead?”

  There was silence for a full minute.

  “There is nothing I can say that makes sense,” Theo said finally. “I should have thought of her and Elle, and I didn’t. Some part of me knew I’d find her with Danial, but that wasn’t the reason I agreed to stay with Tasha. I feel ashamed of how I acted, looking at it from that perspective. I feel even more ashamed about Elle. Even if I couldn’t face Sar and Danial, I should have come back for her, to let her know I was alive.”

  “Sar, do you feel better, knowing that Theo feels regret over his actions?”

  What I felt was that I was going to kill one of them if I didn’t get out of this room. “Yes.”

  “Theo, do you feel better for telling Sar what you told her?”

  “Yes,” he said simply. “I’m sorry if I hurt you by anything I did. I never meant to.”

  I took his hand, a sense of peace suddenly filling me. “Thank you.”

  “Really then, I don’t see what other issues there are to work out, at least immediately,” Carol said happily. “Enjoy the holiday, and call me in the new year, if you run into problems.”

  “Are you sure?” I asked her. “That’s it?”

  “For now at least,” she said, standing up and shaking my hands. “You can always call if there’s a problem you can’t work out on your own. Remember, some conflict is normal.”

  Theo and I thanked her, and we left. As we drove home, I tried to examine my feelings. With Theo’s apology, I’d finally let go of the hurt I’d been harboring for so long...

  “You know I love you, right?” Theo said, glancing at me.

  “I know it,” I replied, giving him a smile.

  “Still love me?” he said, glancing over again.

  “Always,” I said, taking his hand. “By the way, we need to take Elle sledding this week. She’s been asking us to.”

  “How about Thursday then?”

  “Okay.” I turned to him in the seat, having suddenly remembered my relatives’ invitation. “Would you be interested in seeing my former in-laws out west?”

  He glanced at me quickly, his expression strange. “Why would they want to see me? I’m the replacement you got for their dead son.”

  “Nice, Theo,” I replied with a grimace. “They want to see me, and they know we’re married. We could have a second honeymoon, sort of, maybe next summer. Elle could come, and we could show her some of the sites we spent time at in Wyoming. What do you think?”

  I expected Theo to be excited, but he didn’t reply right away.

  “You don’t want to go,” I said, crestfallen.

  “I feel a little odd about it, that’s all,” he said finally. “Let me think about it, okay?”

  “Sure,” I said, settling back in the seat. “Take your time. There’s no rush.”

  Chapter Nine

  As the last week before Christmas passed, one thing became crystal clear: my desire had gone completely.

  I’d noticed it waning all through the fall, as my body slowly went back to normal. But on December twenty-second, I looked at the world around me, and it no longer interested me at all. I’d tried my best to make it seem as if everything was the same for so long, even as I ceased to care less and less. But my absence of feeling had intensified to the point now where I couldn’t pretend anymore. Some of that was that I was tired of pretending. The rest was that I no longer had anything left to pretend with.

  I couldn’t seem to reach my emotions. I didn’t care about watching the latest episodes of the series I followed, or even trying to follow them, so I stopped recording them, deleting the saved episodes I’d stopped watching weeks before. At first, I’d been the loving wife that Theo expected, welcoming his advances like always, even though my heart wasn’t in it. Before long, Theo had felt in my kisses that I didn’t mean them, and stopped trying to initiate anything. I had once laughed at jokes Terian told and gossiped with Cia, but now I avoided them both, and my family, too. I’d used to love walking with Elle, identifying track
s together in the last non-frigid days of the year. Now, I just nodded to her, the thought of the snow-engulfed woods too daunting for me to set foot outside. That might have been a problem, except my appetite for food had also greatly diminished.

  The only thing I really wanted to do anymore was sleep. Those last days before Christmas, I admitted it had to be more than lack of desire that was causing me to act this way; I had to be depressed. Even if it was only due to the lack of daylight as Theo surmised, I had to get some help. This was not good for me, or the people around me.

  Dr. Camlyn was less help than I expected. “This is normal for the winter,” he said with a shrug. “Especially for what you’re going through. Desire is a large part of a person’s being. Things will get better, Sar. The virus is almost out of your system. Only a few more weeks, and then you can go off the pills.”

  “I’m not taking them anymore,” I told him in what passed for my normal voice these days.

  “How long has it been since you went off them?” he said, concerned.

  “Just yesterday,” I said, giving him a halfhearted smile. “Danial is gone all this week, and most likely for next week too, traveling. Even if I go to work, no one will be there who will tempt me. By the time he comes back, I should be better.”

  “Sar, that’s fine. But you shouldn’t go off them completely cold turkey. Take one every other day, at least for this week, and then stop taking them.”

  I nodded, but told myself I wasn’t going to do what he suggested. I’d had enough of popping pills.

  No one would know. I’d come by myself today, as Theo had been working out and I hadn’t wanted to bother him. I’d told Terian where I’d be. He said he would have his phone on, to call if anything happened and he would “whisk me away.” I managed a small smile at the memory.

  “Sar, everything will be okay.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “We’re almost there.”

  I nodded.

  “Come back in a month. I expect to pronounce you fully better by then. You’ve healed most of your internal scarring.” He smiled encouragingly. “Babies are in your future, if you want them.”