A Deep Dark Secret

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Some of the members said, “Amen.”

  “It is so important for us adults to attend our classes, and it is extremely crucial for us to bring our children as well. To tell you the truth, I’m not sure where I’d be or what kind of terrible person I would have become had my grandparents not brought me to Sunday school every single Sunday morning. Sunday school helped teach me right from wrong, and I know for sure that studying the Bible and learning hundreds and hundreds of life-altering scriptures is the reason I am a true man of God. It is the reason my moral values and family values are so exceptionally strong and why I am able to be a good husband to my wife, Roxanne, and a good father to our daughters.”

  Jillian wanted to scream. She wanted to stand on her feet and yell out loud what a lying hypocrite her father really was. She wanted to tell all of them that the man they praised and loved wasn’t who they thought he was. She wanted desperately to tell them that he was nothing like the wonderful Christian he successfully pretended to be.

  But instead, she looked at her mother, who was smiling brightly and looking prouder than the parent of an Olympic gold medalist, and said nothing.

  Jillian did smile back at her, though, feigning her adoration and agreement, and then looked back at her father.

  “So, church, all I’m asking is that we please take Sunday school and Bible study a little more serious than we have been. Do what you know God wants you to do. For yourselves and also for our children. Thank you.”

  The congregation applauded again, and her father took his seat on one of the front pews.

  Jillian applauded, too, and acted as though life with her loving father just couldn’t be better.

  Chapter 2

  SERVICE WAS JUST WONDERFUL TODAY,” JILLIAN’S MOM exclaimed to her husband, who stopped his pearl-white SUV at a red light. They were on their way home, and Jillian and Layla were sitting in the backseat.

  “Yes, it really was. Pastor gave an amazing sermon.”

  “I was also very proud of you for making that appeal to the congregation about Sunday school and Bible study. Both are so important, and it was very good of you to share what Sunday school did for you when you were a child.”

  “It really did make a great difference in my life. It has helped me in so many ways, and because I’ve always tried to live by God’s word, do the right thing, and treat people the way I want to be treated, I truly believe this is why I’ve been so blessed. Especially blessed to have found someone like you. Someone who loves me so unconditionally and someone I can love back the same way.”

  “We are definitely a very blessed couple.”

  Jillian’s father glanced at her through his rearview mirror. “And we have two of the sweetest daughters in the world.”

  Jillian couldn’t believe how fooled he had her mother and quickly looked away and out the window. She then looked over at Layla, who had dropped off to sleep. Jillian adored and admired her little sister and suddenly wished she was five again herself, because if she was, she wouldn’t have to do the awful things her father so regularly forced her to do.

  After about another ten minutes, they pulled into the driveway, waited for the garage to open, and then drove inside. When they got out, they walked into the kitchen, and Jillian’s mom said, “Boy, am I glad I prepared our dinner yesterday, because once I change into my sweat suit, all I’ll have to do is come back down and warm everything up.”

  Jillian’s father removed his shoes and went into the family room. “I’ll change my clothes after dinner because right now, I’m going to see what the Bears are up to.”

  “Sounds good,” her mother said. “Come on, Layla. Let’s get you into some play clothes.”

  Jillian followed her mother and sister up the staircase, walked into her room, and closed the door behind her. She immediately slipped off her fuchsia-colored dress, hung it up in her closet, stepped out of her jet-black pantyhose, and then put on a yellow-and-white Mitchell Junior High T-shirt, along with a pair of matching shorts.

  Next, she flipped on her television and called her friend, Nikki.

  “Hey, Jill.”

  “Hey.”

  “Did you guys just get home from church?”

  “Yep. What about you and your mom?”

  “We just got home, too, and, girl, I so wish you had come and visited with us today.”

  “Really?” Jillian said, preparing for whatever juicy gossip Nikki was about to share with her.

  “Girl, yeah. You’ve seen Sister Hanson before.”

  “Too many times.”

  “Well, she showed her natural behind this morning. Girl, she shouted so hard and for so long that her wig flew right off of her head!”

  Both girls cracked up laughing.

  “Get out of here!” Jillian said when she caught her breath. “Oh my goodness.”

  “And you know me. I laughed right in the middle of service.”

  “I know your mom was mad about that, though, wasn’t she?”

  “Of course. She gave me a dirty look, but I couldn’t help myself. That scene was too, too funny.”

  “I’ll bet it was.”

  “She’s such a fake.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because my mom said so. I overheard her saying that Sister Hanson keeps company with at least four different men and is sleeping with every one of them.”

  “All at the same time?”

  “No, silly. I guess she spends time with each of them on different days.”

  “Oh. But that’s still pretty disgusting.”

  “I know. And I think it’s a shame how she does all that worshipping and shouting at church and then acts like some common whore when she gets home.”

  Jillian audibly drew in her breath. “Nikki! I can’t believe you said that.”

  “What?”

  “ Whore.’”

  “Well, it’s not like it’s a bad word, because ‘whore’ is in the Bible.”

  “Still, though, it’s not a very nice word.”

  “Maybe not, but I’m just repeating what I heard my mom saying about her.”

  “True.”

  “So, girl, enough about Sister Hanson. What are you planning to wear to school tomorrow?”

  “I don’t know. But I was sort of thinking about one of the new jean outfits I haven’t worn yet. You know, the dark purple one I showed you last week that my mom bought me right before school started.”

  “I’ll probably wear a jean outfit, too, then, but it won’t be a new one. My crazy father has been slacking on my mom’s child support payments again, so my mom hasn’t been able to get me any more than the five outfits she got me a few weeks ago. And I wore those during the first five days of school last week.”

  “I got ten, but if you want me to, I’ll just wear something old tomorrow, too.”

  “Girl, no way, because if I had something else new to wear, I would definitely be sporting it. My mom is going to be getting me some more clothes this weekend once she gets paid, though, so I’ll be fine.”

  “That’s good.”

  “I’m just so excited to be in the seventh grade. It was one thing to be in sixth and to finally be out of that baby elementary school, but this is even better. It’s so much fun.”

  “It really is.”

  “And the boys are so cute and so mature. Especially Marcus.”

  “You’re really liking him, aren’t you?”

  “Are you kidding? Girl, who doesn’t? He’s our star quarterback, he’s fine, and he’s in the eighth grade. Shoot, next year, he’ll already be in high school.”

  “Well, don’t forget what I told you I heard.”

  “What?” Jillian could practically see the frown on her best friend’s face right through the phone line.

  “You know. That he’s been having sex for a whole year now and that he doesn’t deal with girls who aren’t willing to do that with him.”

  “Well, it’s not like I’m some little girl anyway. In six months, I’ll be t
hirteen and practically a grown woman. Plus, there are a lot of girls at our school who’ve already done it more than once, so I can’t wait to find out what it’s like for myself.”

  “But we’re too young to be having sex with boys. You’re supposed to wait until you’re married before you even think about having sex. Not to mention, having sex before marriage is a sin.”

  Nikki laughed like she couldn’t believe what she’d just heard. “Jill, girl, nobody waits for all of that anymore. And if you don’t stop thinking that way, you’ll never be able to get or keep a boyfriend.”

  Jillian thought about her father and all the things he’d been making her do with him. “I don’t want one.”

  “You’re just saying that, but when the right boy comes along, you’ll change your mind in what my uncle calls a New York minute.”

  “No, I won’t. Because all I want is to get through junior high and high school, and then I can’t wait for the day when I can finally head off to college.”

  “Why are you always saying that? You’ve been saying that ever since we were seven years old and in the second grade.”

  “I keep saying it because I want to be a news anchor on CNN, and I can’t do that until I finish college. I won’t be able to start my career until I graduate from a really good journalism school.”

  “Pleeease. That’s six years away, so I’m not thinking about anything like that. Right now, I’m going to have as much fun as I can, because once we do leave for college, we’ll have to spend all of our time studying. Well, actually, you spend all your time doing that now, but still, it’ll be even more so once we get to some university.”

  “Maybe. But that’s what I want.”

  “My mom is always saying that we should enjoy our childhood years as much as we can because life is so much different when you become an adult. Life is so much harder and you have so much responsibility.”

  Jillian heard what her best friend was saying and for a quick second, she wanted to tell her the real reason she couldn’t wait to leave home. But she couldn’t. It was true that she really did want to be on CNN one day, delivering the news across national airways, but her primary reason for wanting to leave was her father. She wanted to leave so he’d never be able to touch her again in all the wrong places. If she left, she would never have to touch him again either.

  Jillian heard a knock at her door. “Hey, Nik, I’ll ring you back after dinner, okay?”

  “Okay. See ya.”

  Jillian hung up the phone. “Come in.”

  She thought maybe it was her mom, but when she looked up, her father walked in and shut the door. Jillian wondered what he wanted, because in all the years that she’d known him, he’d never come into her room and closed the door while her mother was home.

  Her stomach churned as he folded his arms and strutted closer to where she was sitting.

  “You sure did look pretty at church today, princess. And for a minute, I almost forgot that you were only twelve years old. You looked more like a twenty-year-old woman.”

  Jillian never moved an inch and barely blinked her eyes.

  Thank God all he did next was smile, walk back toward the door, and open it. “Your mom has dinner on the table, so she wanted me to let you know it was time for you to come down.”

  “Oh. Thanks.”

  “You’re welcome. See you in a few minutes.”

  When he left, Jillian breathed a sigh of relief. She’d been so afraid he was going to try something right then and there that she’d almost peed on herself. He made her so nervous whenever he looked at her in the eerie way he had only minutes ago, but now she had to pull herself together. She needed to calm down and put on a genuinely happy face for her mother. She had to make sure her mother didn’t suspect even the slightest little thing, because if she did, she knew her mother would blame her for everything and would kick her out on the street like an enemy. She’d get rid of her fast and in a hurry. Just like her father had promised.

  Chapter 3

  THE CAFETERIA AT MLTCHELL JUNIOR HIGH WAS AS NOISY as ever, but this was always the most enjoyable part of each school day. Especially since this was the one time Jillian could hang out with all four of her closest friends. Nikki was her BFF, but Ashley and Shelly came in as close seconds.

  “I love it when we have lasagna,” Ashley announced right after placing a forkful in her mouth. Jillian wasn’t surprised, because of the four of them, Ashley clearly had the heartiest appetite and it showed.

  “Me, too,” Shelly added. “It’s one of the best things they make here, but it’s so ridiculously full of carbohydrates.”

  Jillian wasn’t shocked by Shelly’s comment either, because Shelly spent a noticeable amount of time counting carbs, fat grams, and calories. She was terrified of being overweight and made sure she never ate too much of anything or went more than a day without working out.

  Food, however, was the very least of Nikki’s worries. “Check it out,” she said, looking over at Marcus and three of his teammates, smiling and pointing in their direction. “If they keep it up, I’m gonna take my behind right over there to ask Marcus what he’s staring at.”

  Ashley and Shelly giggled, obviously wanting to flirt with Marcus and his little friends just as much as Nikki did.

  Jillian felt just the opposite. “Girl, if you know what’s good for you, you’ll forget about that boy.”

  “Why?”

  “Remember what I told you on the phone yesterday?”

  Nikki waved Jillian off. “Please. I’m not afraid of Marcus or whatever it is he’s interested in doing.”

  Jillian shook her head and before she could say anything else, Nikki was out of her seat and sashaying across the room. Jillian saw the way he smiled at Nikki, along with the creepy way he scanned her body from head to toe, and the look on his face reminded Jillian of her father. She so wished Nikki would stop trying to be so grown all the time and would listen to what she kept trying to tell her. She wished Nikki would leave Marcus alone before she did something she would soon end up regretting.

  Ashley drank some grape juice. “Nik is flirting with Marcus big time.”

  Shelly leaned back in her seat. “I love it. Go, Nikki.”

  Jillian sighed deeply and then saw Nikki pointing at the three of them and walking back to the table with all four guys. Jillian wasn’t happy about this at all, because the last thing she wanted was to have to deal with some boy trying to talk to her.

  Nikki introduced them right away. “These are my girls. Jillian, Ashley, and Shelly. Girls, this is Marcus, Darren, Kyle, and Jason.”

  They all greeted one another, and Jillian couldn’t deny that Kyle was just as handsome as Marcus. She also had to admit that he was definitely attracted to her, because while he’d said hello to both Ashley and Shelly, too, he was still smiling at her. Surprisingly, she’d smiled back at him, but then quickly averted her eyes, almost feeling embarrassed.

  “Why don’t you guys have a seat,” Nikki offered.

  “Sounds good to me,” Marcus responded, and sat next to her.

  Kyle, on the other hand, took a chair right next to Jillian, and her stomach fluttered. “So, are you enjoying the new school year?”

  Jillian looked straight ahead. “Yes. You?”

  “Yeah, it’s cool. Especially since football season has started.”

  Jillian glanced at him for a second and smiled.

  “So, where do you live?” he asked.

  “On Taylor Avenue.”

  “Really? Then I’m only a few blocks away from you, because I live over on Reagan.”

  “Oh. Yeah, that is close.”

  “Too bad we don’t ride the same bus, hunh?”

  She glanced at him again and then looked across the room.

  “Why do you keep doing that?”

  With reluctance, she turned back toward him but hunched her shoulders.

  “It’s not like I’m going to bite. You do know that, don’t you?”

  “Of
course I know that.”

  “Good. Then can I have your phone number?”

  She hoped God would forgive her for the lie she was about to tell. “Actually, we just got it changed, and I haven’t memorized it yet.”

  Nikki, through all of her conversation with Marcus and the rest of them, heard Jillian’s answer and gazed at her with a confused demeanor. But Jillian ignored her.

  Kyle still wasn’t giving up, though. “Can I get it from you tomorrow, then?”

  “Yeah, if I remember it.”

  They all chatted about the upcoming game and the school dance that would be happening in a couple of weeks, and then the guys stood up. Jillian saw Nikki passing a slip of paper to Marcus, with what she was sure was Nikki’s phone number, and then the boys said their good-byes.

  “Oh my God,” Nikki began. “Marcus is so outrageously fine, and I could tell from the moment I walked over to them that he wants me bad.”

  “He definitely does, girl,” Shelly agreed.

  “And what about Kyle?” Ashley said. “Darren and Jason look okay, but they’re not nearly as fine as Kyle. And Jill, girl, he was practically drooling all over you.”

  Shelly gave Ashley a high five, and said, “I know that’s right.”

  Jillian downplayed their observation. “Whatever.”

  “You know it’s true,” Nikki chimed in. “Which is the reason I wanna know why you lied when he asked you for your phone number.”

  “I’m not thinking about that boy.”

  Nikki laughed. “Well, you sure don’t sound very convincing. And I don’t understand what the big deal is anyway because as you can see, I gave Marcus my phone number and e-mail address faster than he could ask for it.”

  The other two girls seemed to be just as excited as Nikki, and there was a part of Jillian that wished she could feel the same way. But she couldn’t. Not with all the madness she’d been experiencing with her father. She knew it wasn’t normal for a twelve-year-old girl to not be overly excited about some cute little boy who was interested in her, but truth be told, she really didn’t know how she should feel about boys or how she should act when they approached her. She did like Kyle but at the same time, she knew if she started talking to him, there was a chance he might try to pressure her into doing certain things—the kind of things she and her father engaged in at home on a regular basis—and she would never be able to handle that. So, to her, it was just best to keep her distance from Kyle and any other boy at her school. It was best to keep to herself as much as possible before someone peeped out her secret. The deep, dark, and very dirty secret she and her father had been keeping for years.