A Deep Dark Secret

by Kimberla Lawson Roby

  Jillian slightly changed the subject. “I just feel bad for Nikki because I know all those kids at school are going to be so mean to her.”

  “I feel bad for her, too, and also for her mom, because I’m sure this has got to be one of the toughest and most embarrassing incidents they’ve ever experienced.”

  Jillian agreed with her mom and glanced over at the clock on the microwave. She knew Nikki and Miss G would be there any moment, so she stood up, grabbed her book bag from the corner of her chair, and slid it over her shoulder. But when she saw her mother crying again, she dropped her bag back down and went over to her. “Mom, what’s wrong?”

  “Oh, nothing, sweetie. I’m okay, and you’d better get going.”

  “But I can miss school today if you want. I can stay home if you need me to.”

  “Honey, no. I’m just a little upset about your father and me, and I miss him already.”

  Her mother’s words forced an ice-cold chill up Jillian’s spine. “Well, at least you still have Layla and me.”

  “I know. And don’t you worry about a thing, because I’m already praying for God to fix this. I’m praying that your father and I will be able to get past these problems we’re having, so that the four of us can get back to being just as happy as always.”

  Jillian hugged her mother good-bye but didn’t dare say what she was thinking—that she was praying, too—except her prayer was for a totally different outcome. She didn’t have it in her heart to tell her mom that what she really wanted was for her to file for a divorce.

  Just as Jillian prepared to head toward the front door, Layla came back into the kitchen. “Mommy, when are we leaving?”

  “In about ten minutes, so why don’t you run upstairs and grab my purse?”

  “You’re going to work in a T-shirt and sweat pants?”

  “No, Mommy isn’t going to work today. She’s staying home to get some rest.”

  “Oh.”

  Layla ran back upstairs again, and Jillian heard Miss G honking her horn. “See ya later, Lay,” she yelled up to her sister, and then hugged her mother a second time. “I love you, Mom.”

  “I love you, too, sweetie, and you have a good day.”

  Chapter 17

  WHEN MISS G PULLED IN FRONT OF THE SCHOOL, THE bell still hadn’t rung yet and all nine-hundred-plus pairs of eyes settled on Nikki.

  “Oh my God, Mom, look at them. Look how hard they’re staring over here.”

  “And?” Miss G said angrily. Jillian had never seen her so furious.

  “Mom, I can’t do this. I just can’t. So, please let me go back home for at least another day.”

  “You should have thought about that when you were spreading your legs for those mannish little boys.”

  Jillian didn’t move an inch. She was afraid to even blink.

  Nikki turned all the way toward her mother. “I’m so sorry, Mom, but please don’t make me go in there.”

  “Like I said, you should have thought about all of this before you did something so stupid. And don’t get me started on that ridiculous lie you made up about those mysterious girls jumping you. You lied straight to my face, and now you’re going to have to deal with the consequences. Then, when school is out, I want you to bring your little sneaky behind straight back home because it’s like I told you this morning, you’re grounded for the next three months. No TV, no iPod, and unless it’s about homework, no phone calls, no computer, and no company. And I’m still calling that boy’s parents when we get home this evening.”

  Nikki eased open the car door and stepped out, and Jillian, fearfully, thanked Miss G for the ride.

  As they strode through the crowd of students and up closer to the building, tons of them pointed and whispered and some even sniggled. Nikki looked back at her mom, who was driving away, and Jillian said, “Forget these silly kids, Nik. Don’t even think about them.” Words that were all great advice until they walked inside and a clique of girls that included Ashley and Shelly gawked at Nikki like she had some sort of contagious disease.

  “Choooo-choooo, choooo-choooo,” one of them vocalized, mimicking the sound of a train.

  Jillian nudged Nikki along. “Girl, just ignore them.”

  But as they continued through the hallway to Nikki’s locker, these same girls, at least seven of them, followed closely behind.

  “Just look at that little tramp,” the tall, stout one said; she was obviously the ringleader. “Lettin’ three boys run a train on her like some low-life hooker.”

  Nikki looked at Jillian, and all seven girls laughed out loud. Jillian was astonished at how quickly Ashley and Shelly had turned on Nikki. They were such traitors, and Jillian was done being friends with them.

  The ringleader moved closer to Nikki. “That’s what that little trick gets for tryin’ to be all that. Thinkin’ she’s so cute.”

  They stood for a few seconds longer and then walked away, still ranting one awful thing after another. When they were out of sight, Nikki dialed in her combination, opened her locker, hung up her leather jacket and backpack, and pulled out her history book. When she closed it, she and Jillian turned around to more bad news: Marcus and his teammates. Jillian could tell Nikki was practically praying that Marcus would say something to her—anything—but all he did was glare at her with a smirk, shake his head like she was nothing, and keep going. His friends snickered like she was a huge joke, and soon after, Jillian saw tears rolling down Nikki’s face again.

  “Don’t worry about them,” Jillian told her. “I’ll walk with you to your first class and if you need me, all you have to do is come get me out of mine.”

  “I have to take this letter my mom wrote to the office. It’s for my absence yesterday.”

  “Is she planning to report what happened on Friday to the principal?”

  “I think she is, and if she does, Jill, Marcus will never speak to me again. He’ll never have anything else to do with me.”

  It was probably better for Jillian not to comment one way or the other, because if she did, she was sure Nikki wouldn’t be too happy with her—not when, right now, all Jillian could think about was how naïve and simple Nikki was acting. How lovesick she was over Marcus when even little Layla would have the sense enough to see that Marcus wanted nothing to do with her. He’d used her for sex and sex only, and the sooner Nikki realized that, the better off she would be.

  ONLY SECONDS AFTER THE BELL RANG, JILLIAN WALKED OUT OF fourth period and saw Kyle standing and waiting for her.

  “So, how was class?” he asked as they started down the hallway.

  “Good.”

  “Do you have to go to your locker?”

  “Yeah, I need to drop off my books.”

  “It’s really too bad we can’t talk on the phone. You know that, don’t you?”

  “What if I call you tonight?”

  “That’s cool with me, but what about your dad?”

  “Well, it’s not like he pays that much attention to every call I make, anyway, so I’ll just make sure I call you when he’s not around.”

  “As long as you won’t get into trouble.”

  “I won’t.”

  When they arrived at Jillian’s locker, Nikki looked sadder than she had this morning. “I’m not going into that cafeteria,” she said matter-of-factly.

  Jillian turned toward Kyle. “Hey, I’ll have to see you later, okay?”

  “No problem. I’ll talk to you tonight,” he said, and left.

  Nikki tried her best to smile. “Thanks, Jill. Thanks for sticking by my side and not cutting me off the way Ashley and Shelly have.”

  “Girl, please. I would never do that to you. You’re my best friend, and you’ll always be able to count on me. Let’s just go into the library.”

  “Okay,” Nikki agreed, but before they could take the first step in that direction, Marcus and four of his boys walked in front of them.

  “So, what were you saying about that Nikki chick, Marcus?” the ugly one asked,
acting as if Nikki wasn’t even standing there.

  “What?”

  “You know. The part about her being the dumbest girl you’ve ever been with.”

  “Oh yeah. I guess I did say that, didn’t I? Shoot, I’ve got so many young hos runnin’ behind me till I can barely keep ’em straight.”

  They all cracked up like they were watching a comedy show.

  “I heard that, Marcus, man,” the ugly one continued. “Use those hos and then leave ’em right where you found ’em.”

  Marcus looked at Nikki, but she and Jillian kept walking. His posse laughed even louder.

  “Marcus, why are you doing this?” Nikki finally said. “Why are you being so cruel when just last week you said you loved me?”

  Marcus stopped in his tracks.

  “Girl, you must be crazy. I could never love you. I could never love any girl who gives it up faster than I can ask for it and then has no problem being with as many other guys as I tell her to.”

  Nikki was speechless.

  Marcus shook his head in disgust and then one of the other boys said, “Plus, Marcus, man, I can’t believe that skank thought she had you so fooled.”

  “I know. Had me thinkin’ she was some innocent little virgin when she knew good and well she was just as broken in as all the rest of these freaks around here. That chick was wide open, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear she’d already been with a full-grown man.”

  They laughed again and went on their way.

  Jillian was thunderstruck.

  “Oh my God, Jill,” Nikki hurried to say, but she seemed nervous and couldn’t keep eye contact with Jillian for longer than a couple of seconds. “Marcus has everyone thinking the absolute worst of me. They think I’m the biggest tramp in school, and there’s no way I can stay here. I have to go home.”

  Jillian desperately wanted to ask her about the not-being-a-virgin thing but didn’t. “How will you get there?”

  “I don’t know. Because you saw how angry my mom was. She’s totally through, and she’ll never leave work to come get me.”

  “What about your dad?”

  “He’s working, too.”

  Jillian thought about her own mother and how she hadn’t gone to work today. If Jillian called and explained how bad things were for Nikki there at school, she knew her mom would gladly come pick her up. The only thing was, Jillian didn’t want anyone knowing about her parents and the problems they were having, and it was the reason she hadn’t uttered one word to Nikki. Of course, it was true that Jillian was more than thrilled about her father’s moving out, but what she didn’t want was people finding out that he’d cheated on her mother with an eighteen-year-old. The whole idea of it was beyond humiliating, and she didn’t want to be ridiculed.

  But none of that mattered right now, because Nikki was more important. She needed her help, and Jillian would do whatever she could to give it to her. Which was why she pulled her cell phone from her shoulder purse, the one she pretty much only used for texting and emergency phone calls. Although, in all honesty, she didn’t text nearly as often as most kids her age.

  “My mom took the day off, so maybe we can call her.”

  “Do you think she’ll be mad?”

  “No, not at all,” Jillian said, dialing the number, and her mother answered almost immediately.

  “Hi, sweetie.”

  “Hi, Mom.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “No, not really. Things are pretty bad for Nikki, and she wants to go home.”

  “Did she call her mom?”

  “No, because she’s at work.”

  “Well, I don’t mind coming to get her, but I won’t do it unless her mom says it’s okay.”

  “I’ll have Nikki call her now and then I’ll call you back.”

  When Jillian pressed the end button, Nikki said, “I’m too afraid, Jill, so can you please do it for me?”

  Jillian felt the same but went ahead and made the call. “Miss G? This is Jillian.”

  “What’s wrong with Nikki?” she said without hesitation.

  “Nothing…well…actually Nikki is having a really hard time being here. And, Miss G, it’s really bad. Those boys are saying such ugly things about her and a lot of the girls are, too. They’re saying stuff after every single class, and since my mom is off today, she said she didn’t mind coming to get Nikki if you said it was okay.”

  “Fine, but you tell her that she’d better go home with your mom and stay there until I pick her up this evening. I don’t want her even thinking about going home by herself because she’s already proven that she can’t be trusted.”

  “Do you want to speak to her?”

  “No, because I don’t have one thing to say to that girl.”

  “Thanks, Miss G.”

  “Good-bye.”

  Jillian escorted Nikki to the school office the same as she had that morning and told her she’d see her when she got home. Then she headed toward her next class, which she had a test in. She felt sorry for Nikki, but she couldn’t wait to ask her the most important question of all: who else she’d had sex with but hadn’t bothered telling her about.

  Chapter 18

  JILLIAN STEPPED AWAY FROM THE BUS AND ONTO THE SIDEWALK and waved good-bye to a girl in her math class. She lived only three blocks from where she was standing, and she couldn’t wait to get home to see how Nikki was doing.

  But as she strolled closer and closer to her house, suddenly her heart beat wildly and her stomach twirled briskly. Her father’s SUV was sitting in the driveway, and already she had a bad feeling about it. Although, maybe he’d simply dropped by to pick up Layla for a little while or maybe pick up more of his belongings.

  Jillian walked a few more feet into the driveway and into the garage, which was open, and went inside. She looked around but when she didn’t see or hear anyone down on the first floor, she went upstairs and saw that her parents’ bedroom door was shut. This made her even more nervous, so she went into her own room, thinking Nikki would be there waiting. But she wasn’t.

  Next, Jillian went into Layla’s room as well, but she wasn’t anywhere to be found either. However, as soon as she headed back toward her own room, her mother opened the door to hers and walked out into the hallway with a robe on. Jillian wasn’t sure what to say, but she knew what her mother and father had probably been in there doing. Especially since her mother had closed their bedroom door right behind her and her hair was scattered out of place.

  “Oh, hi, sweetie,” she said, acting as though she was a bit self-conscious. “I thought I heard someone come up the stairs, but I didn’t know you’d made it home already. How was your day?”

  “It was okay. But where’s Nikki?”

  “Well, when I first picked her up, she seemed fine, but as we drove away from the school, she started crying and wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. So, I called her mother, and she ended up having to leave work after all to come get her.”

  “How long was she here?”

  “Maybe an hour at the most.”

  “Where’s Layla?”

  “I asked Mom to pick her up for me so that your dad and I could have some time to talk. He left work early today.”

  “Oh,” Jillian responded, and then started back toward her room.

  “Jill, honey, wait. Remember when I said to you this morning that everything was going to be fine?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, it really is. Your father and I still have to work some things out, but we decided that we can’t do that if we’re separated. Plus, it wouldn’t be fair to you and Layla if we split up without even trying to fix this problem we’re having. Your dad made a mistake, but he’s very sorry about it.”

  What Jillian wanted to tell her was that she’d heard their whole conversation last night and that she knew his so-called mistake had been his having sex with an eighteen-year-old. She wanted to tell her that he’d done everything but go all the way with her, too—her own twelve
-year-old daughter. But she didn’t.

  “Are you hungry?” her mother asked.

  “No.”

  “Well, I’ll be going down to cook something in a little while.”

  “I have homework to do anyway.”

  “Okay, then you go ahead, and I’ll let you know when dinner is ready.”

  Jillian was heartbroken. How could her mom be so okay with what her father had done to her? With what he’d done to their marriage? And why was she acting as if his having an affair wasn’t all that bad? Jillian couldn’t believe her mother had allowed him to come back so quickly and that she even had a peaceful smile on her face. As a matter of fact, she seemed almost relieved about the entire situation.

  Jillian plopped down on her bed and felt even more trapped than she had in the past, because if her father could outright admit that he’d been having sex with a teenager and then sway her mom back into bed with him less than twenty-four hours later, there was surely no hope of her mother ever believing Jillian over her father. She realized, once again, that her father continued to be right about her mother and how if Jillian ever told her mother anything, it would be her word against his and that her mother would always side with him.

  Jillian walked into her closet, removed five shoe boxes stacked on top of one another, and pulled her journal from a sixth one. Then, after replacing the boxes back, she went over to her bed, turned on her television, and wrote the first words.

  Tuesday, October 28, 2008

  Why can’t Mom see Daddy for who he really is? And how could she take him back so quickly? How could she ever trust him again about anything? And why doesn’t it matter to her that this girl, woman, or whatever you want to call her, is young enough to be his daughter? I mean, Daddy is five years older than Mom and that means he’s twenty years older than this Deanna person. It just doesn’t make any sense, and I just wish Mom would somehow figure out how slick and phony Daddy actually is. I just wish there was some way she could find out the truth about him. I wish there was a way I could tell her and know for sure she would believe me. I wish I could just be free. I remember when I was about four years old and Great-grandmother Cecile used to say, “If I had wings, I’d fly away and be at rest,” and now I know what she meant. She was so tired of being sick all the time and doing so much suffering, and I’m starting to get just as tired as she was.