Dead Radiance

by Ayer, T. G.

  ***

  As usual, dinner was delicious and Astrid's absence made it even more pleasurable. We weren't the only ones who noticed. Sigrun and I both heard Astrid's name mentioned during the meal.

  Once back in my room I spent a few minutes marveling at the unbelievably high shine that Turi had managed to coax from the already shimmering armor.

  Then I paced the length of the room.

  With every passing minute, my heart beat faster and the flip-flops in my stomach bordered on nauseating. When Sigrun knocked on the door at last, I was one step away from screaming my impatience.

  I grabbed my cloak and slipped silently with her down the large high-ceilinged passageways. What was the purpose of the height? Had giants once roamed these halls? Or was it a statement? Maybe the height indicated the majesty of the Lord whose house it was.

  The entire castle was a magnificent architectural monster. Built into the side of a granite mountain face, the structure dwarfed the mountain, so the natural ridge was no longer visible. Tall spires rose into the clouds, with some turrets encased in cloud cover almost all year round.

  We walked the path to Valhalla in the dark, sticking to the low walls beside the roads. The night was silent, cold and dark without the moon. I didn't dare ask any questions. We were too far along to turn back, but my gratitude to Sigrun for even considering my request was enough. I owed her big time.

  We gave Glasir a wide birth, staying as far out of her brightness as possible. As I steered clear of the entrancing tree, I traced the outline of the leaf she'd given me. Njall had been kind enough to drill a small hole into the end of the leaf, allowing me to thread it onto the thin leather thong already holding the amber stone. It now lay against my chest like a charm, protecting me.

  Sigrun chose a path that bordered the outside of the hall, all the way to the back. It was a long way, only because the hall was so monstrously large. Of course, it had to be, since it housed every Warrior ever brought to Valhalla in the history of time.

  We came to another set of doors. Sigrun leaned close and knocked lightly. Three short soft taps. The door opened in silence and a face popped through the small opening. The short red-haired girl smiled in relief, beckoning with one crooked finger for us to follow her inside.

  The kitchen was bright and warm and we waited while the girl checked the door.

  Leaning close I asked, "What's happening? Who was the girl?"

  "She is sister to the Huldra who attends me. They have worked all around Valhalla, know the place entirely too well."

  "It was nice of her to help us out."

  "I have known her a long, long time," Sigrun said, a happy warmth in her voice.

  The Huldra returned, her eyes bright and her face cheerful. "There are clothes inside the cold room." She pointed to a little door behind Sigrun.

  Once in the room we changed into the clothing laid out for us. I stared at the two fake tails, which sat on the bench. Pointing to them, I asked, "What are we supposed to do with these?"

  "Wear them silly. Here, I will show you." Sigrun grabbed one of the bright red tails and showed me the leather string tied to the stump of it. This she tied around her waist. She slid the tail into her skirt, dropping it onto the floor behind her. It fell through the bulky petticoats and peeked out from the bottom of the skirt. It looked perfect. Even her wings were gone, hidden by Sigrun’s glamor. I still wasn't all that sure I knew how to use the whole glamor thing. No doubt she would fix my wings too. I hoped. She opened her neatly tied braids, spreading her wavy hair out behind her, letting it fall down her back. "Now I am ready. Come on. What are you waiting for?"

  I took one last look at my foxtail as it peeked from under my skirt. One peek behind me to confirm my wings were invisible. And crossed my fingers. Fox tail or not, this had better work. Or we would both be in deep doody.

  Chapter 28

  I hurried after her to the kitchens, and soon we both stood ready to serve.

  "Thank you, Lifa," Sigrun said to the Huldra. "Now how do we get to them?"

  Lifa nodded at the question and gestured toward the table occupying the center of the room. Three trays sat there, loaded with goblets and small bowls filled with strange gelatinous goop. Certainly looked like sick people's food.

  "We take one tray each, and take it to each einherjar," Lifa said. "You will get your chance to speak to them when you serve them. Do not be too long, but there is no real danger of being caught. Almost everyone has retired to their rooms for the night, and the few Warriors still in the hall will leave soon enough. Now follow me."

  She picked up a tray, held it at her hip and left the room. We followed, mimicking her confidence and her style of bearing the tray. It was easier than I expected. The hall stretched endlessly before us, empty except for a few warriors gathered together in small groups, and the little infirmary set up by the entrance. We neared the rows of beds where the two dozen warriors lay. Some looked in good nick while others appeared frail, still holding on to death.

  Aimee sat up in her cot, talking to another warrior in the bed beside her. Joshua and Aidan were flat on their back, both conscious but silent. Brody was nowhere to be seen. I stiffened. His absence scared me, increased my desire to see him and convince myself that he was okay.

  Aidan, one arm on his chest, stared off into space. His forehead was smooth where the bullet wound had so recently gored it open. I swallowed, aware he might not want to see me. Aware he might be as confused as I'd been my first day here.

  Soon we were lowering the trays onto a stand of tables beside the beds. Sigrun began to hand out her goblets and bowls to a group of Warriors a few beds away, and Lifa took the far end.

  I grabbed a share of the food and drink and walked to Aidan's bed. I hadn't intended to see him first, but my feet pulled me toward him. The hall was warm, and unlike our dining hall, a multitude of fires burned along the walls, throwing off a constant, pleasant warmth. The faint odor of food and the low murmur of conversation drifted toward us.

  I tilted my head forward, allowing my hair to hide my face as I knelt beside the low pallet. He turned, expressionless. Until he saw my face. For an instant his eyes lit up, as if joyful and bright, then the joy fled, replaced by a self-deprecating smile. Of course, the tail! He thought he was just imagining it was me.

  "Hello, Aidan," I said, taking his hand and placing the goblet into it. I had to ensure it looked like I was performing the task of one of the Huldra. Behind me, my wings shivered, hidden within the folds of Sigrun’s glamor.

  "Bryn?" He sat up slowly, balancing the goblet carefully as he moved, not taking his eyes off my face. "Is it really you?"

  I nodded. "Keep your voice low. I'm not really allowed to see you until you are better."

  "What happened to me?" He fingered his forehead where the bullet had entered his skull. "My head . . . I know I hurt my head. It's still sore to touch, right here. I thought I was dreaming."

  He looked bewildered, confused, and I was tempted to sit beside him and hold him in my arms. But I couldn't. Not just because it would reveal our real purpose here, pretending to be Huldras, but because I couldn't trust myself to get close to him. I was supposed to be angry with him.

  "You called Ms. Custer," I said, thinking it would jog his memory if I gave him some of the details.

  "Oh yes. Something happened at her place after you disappeared. I wanted to apologize to her, to make sure she knew it wasn't my doing. She was so angry, like she thought I'd had something to do with your disappearance." Aidan's shoulders drooped. He held his head in his hands as if it was too heavy for his shoulders to manage the weight.

  "What happened?" I asked.

  "I'm not too clear on that. I went to Craven. I remember hiding out in the bushes outside Ms. Custer's house. Waiting for the right moment to go inside. I recall the blow to my head, then nothing." He pressed his temples. "Wish I could remember what happened after that. Next thing I knew I was waking up here. Even this place seems like a dream, n
ot to mention the fantastic stories they've been telling us. As if we would believe their crap. Probably a government experiment and they've turned us into zombies or something."

  "You should believe it. It's all true." I watched him shake his head, conscious of the reasons I was here. "You were killed," I said. "Whoever knocked you out outside Ms. Custer's house dumped you at the reserve. That's where we found you."

  "We? You mean you found me?" He stared at my face, shock mixed with sorrow.

  "Yes. I was just doing my job, so don't get all excited about it." I placed the bowl in his hand. "I have to go. I need to speak to the others and I don't have much time."

  A quick glance at Sigrun revealed she was almost halfway done passing out her food. Looking back, I found Aidan staring at me, a multitude of expressions flitting across his face. I much preferred his unconscious face, where his feelings were not constantly trying to manipulate me.

  I grabbed another drink and bowl and knelt beside Joshua. He'd heard the whole conversation, probably more than just the words we were saying. He turned and looked at me, his eyes scanning my face. His smile was tender, like a comfy rug just wanting to keep me warm. He sat up, taking the drink and bowl from me. "Hello, Bryn. Are you okay?"

  His voice was soft and I ached inside. So kind, so considerate even in a place that shouldn't exist, faced with a reality he should question, yet he thought of me first.

  "Yes. I'm fine," I said. "And you? Are you getting better? Stronger?" He nodded, so I asked a question that didn't have a yes or no answer. "How do you feel about all of this?"

  He winked. "Better than being dead."

  I looked around, catching sight of Aimee at the next bed. I'd barely known her. Now I wondered what she must think to see Joshua and me here in Valhalla.

  I fetched her food and drink, which she took with a smile. "You here too?" she asked.

  "Shocker isn't it? And I'm supposed to be the troublemaker."

  "Well, you don't live your life by the rules of people who think they know better. That's definitely a good thing. This whole Valhalla thing . . . it's strange. I never knew you could have female Warriors. The stories were always about men."

  "Yeah, and some stories only ever said that our purpose was to bring the big strong Warriors their Mead. Ha! There's more to our job than the world would dare to imagine." I laughed softly, still aware there were other Warriors around.

  "You're a Valkyrie?" she asked.

  I nodded. "Yeah, and I was as surprised as you are. I wish I could stay and talk but I don't have much time."

  She nodded, giving me a weak smile.

  Still one more person to find. "Where's Brody?" I asked.

  "He's been taken to another room. Apparently he needs a different kind of care. I thought that was strange too, but . . ."

  I nodded, understanding things were different with Brody. At Aimee's frown, I quickly explained Brody's incarnation and that he would revert to his previous body to allow him to fight as a Warrior. I was deeply disappointed that I hadn't spoken to him. Would he recall this life? Or would he regress to the memories of his previous life, before his foster life, before Ms. Custer and I had ever known him?

  Amie nodded, but from her confused expression I knew the concept was slightly confusing.

  I glanced behind me to check if anyone had noticed me lingering here. Huldras didn't loiter. "Did you speak to him at all?" I whispered.

  "Yeah, he woke up a few times, seemed confused. He asked for Ms. Custer and for you. I'm sorry, Bryn. I told him who was here, but I had no idea you were here too."

  Tears singed my eyes for the lonely little boy who didn't know I was here for him. "Did they say where they were taking him?" In answer, Aimee shook her head. Her jaw tensed and her eyes were moist. I didn't want to press further, refused to make her feel guilt for something she had no power over.

  As I rose, Aidan turned and met my eyes. Just one look brought everything back. Those first heated kisses, the comfort and warmth of his arms. The magic of knowing someone cared for me enough to give up his all-important nightlife. But with the wave of love and longing came the frigid reality of his betrayal.

  He'd come to Craven with the intention of seeking me out. Of befriending me to confirm I was a Valkyrie. He'd known all along. Picked at the layers of who I was. He'd used me, then brought his goons around to scare Ms. Custer.

  "Bryn." Joshua's voice penetrated the fog of hurt and anger. "Are you okay?"

  I just nodded. Still staring at Aidan who'd seen my longing and my pain and anger. Aidan stared back, bewildered. He had no idea how much I knew of his maneuvering into my life.

  "Bryn, can we talk?" he said. And I refused to answer. Lifa had already taken all the trays away, and Sigrun now entered the kitchen behind her. I shook my head, not sure I was ready to face him alone, not able to trust myself to control my anger.

  "It's time I left." I smiled at Aimee and Joshua, wishing I could hug them and say goodbye. "I have no idea when I'll be able to come and see you again. Sigrun took a huge chance bringing me here and I don't want to risk getting her in trouble. And with the procession tomorrow and the Choosing the next day, another visit won't be possible until at least two days from now."

  "What procession?" Joshua asked.

  "Freya will arrive tomorrow morning and there will be a procession through Asgard. She'll be choosing her share of the Warriors for her own regiments."

  "Will she take us too?" asked Aimee, her forehead crumpled.

  "No. I don't think so. You've only just arrived. With no training and so little strength, you're not likely to be true Warrior material. No offense." All three smiled though I avoided Aidan's eyes. "I really have to go now. I will try to come again later in the week."

  I turned to leave. Behind me the bed creaked and Aidan let out a soft groan. Just the thought that he meant to follow me set my heart racing. Quickening my steps, I rushed to the kitchen entrance that was guarded by one of the many thick pillars spaced out within the room. Fat enough for two of Njall to hide behind without being seen, it shielded the entrance to the kitchen, dousing the rowdiness that must emanate from a busy kitchen in the midst of meal preparations.

  Aidan caught my hand as I reached for the kitchen door. As if on cue, the door opened and Sigrun popped her head around it to look for me. Her face was urgent when she saw me, then changed when she caught sight of Aidan's fingers entwined with mine.

  "I will wait out back for you." She winked and shut the door.

  I turned to Aidan and tried to tug my fingers free. Instead, he held on tight and grasped the back of my head with his free hand.

  "What's wrong? Why are you so angry with me?" His eyes swept along my face as if he would find an answer somewhere in my dead eyes or in the thin line of my mouth.

  "You know very well what's wrong. You and your lies! I can't take any more of them." My voice broke and tears filled my eyes. It was his touch. His body so close to mine that was my undoing.

  "Please, tell me what I did to make you look at me like that." He placed his forehead on mine and as he spoke, his breath mingled with mine.

  "I read the book you left behind."

  He stiffened but remained where he was. "Then you know I tried to protect you."

  "But you came to Craven for the express reason of infiltrating my life, discovering if I really was a Valkyrie. Everything was a lie." My voice shook. It was so hard to breathe and talk and be in the same personal space as Aidan. Thinking of all the reasons I should hate him was becoming more and more difficult.

  "True. I can't deny why I came. But once I got to know you I realized how wrong everything was. No way was I going to put you in any danger, even if my father hated what your father had done. It wasn't fair to you." Aidan shook his head. "I wish I could change everything. Go back to the beginning."

  "And what about what you did to poor Ms. Custer? You lied to her. From the moment you first walked into our house you lied to everyone."

  "Not abo
ut everything," he said softly. His thumb traced my cheek. "Not about everything."

  "Whatever happened between us was part of your lies, Aidan. There's nothing left."

  As I whispered those words I knew I lied. The way my heart flipped inside my chest and the speed of my breath was beginning to distract me. Behind my emotional attachment to Aidan was anger, and a chasm of granite pain. But deeper than the betrayal my heart simmered with longing.

  "That is a lie and you know it." He leaned closer, and his lips caught mine. Heat enveloped us, ripping my anger loose, tearing apart any barricades I'd built between us in the past weeks. His hands were hot on my skin, his thumb now tenderly tracing the curved of my collarbone. We were both lost in each other.

  A mindless, breathless sense of belonging overwhelmed me, reminded me why I'd sought out Aidan in the first place, why this leather-clad, bad-boy biker had crawled beneath my skin and why I'd never been able to get him out. He'd filled the emptiness inside me. All those places that craved little emotional fillings like attention and admiration, love and loyalty. At my shoulder, and under the glamor, both my wings fluttered, sharing the solar flare that ran right through my body.

  I stiffened. The motion of my wings brought me back to my senses. Along with the curious sensation of being watched. Somewhere close by I felt the almost silent susurration of breathing. And perhaps it was my enhanced Valkyrie senses but the dull throb of a third heartbeat filtered to my ears. A calm and steady beat that said the owner was neither afraid nor nervous at being caught.

  I pushed Aidan away, needing air, needing to dissipate the heat between us. Needing not to be caught in such a compromising situation. But Aidan was lost in the headiness of passion. I wasn't sure if it was his need for me or the sapping of his strength by his resurrection, but he refused to let go. Tears filled my eyes as I returned the embrace, despite the suspected voyeur.

  This was no longer passion. It was a deeper need too, and I couldn't bear to deny him what I also longed for. The connection to another human.