Alex Jackson: Closing Out

by University of Queensland Press

  Finally it made its way to John, who was on the top bunk beside Alex. Jimmy was underneath — he reckoned the last time he slept on a top bunk he woke up on the floor with a dislocated shoulder.

  “Johnstone and Staccone, Jackson and Carney. Pass it on,” said John.

  “I’m Jackson, you idiot!” said Alex.

  “Oh yeah,” said John.

  Miss Phillips called the three boys back into the hall. “You need to settle down,” she said. “I expect you boys to set a good example for the rest of the group.”

  “Who does she think we are?” said Jimmy when they got back inside. “Nerds?”

  Mr Cullen explained that this was a healing session. There were jars of oil and burning incense, and the idea was to approach someone who had been hurt by you or others and anoint them with the oil. Some music came on that sounded like the rainforest and to Alex’s surprise kids took it seriously.

  Quite a few girls went up to Sarah, as she had been through a hard time last year when her dad left her mum for another woman. A couple of kids even went up to John and apologised for teasing him at school, calling him gay. Billy Johnstone anointed Zane Beard and apologised for sleeping with his mum. Well, almost everyone took it seriously.

  Claire approached Alex. “I know you’ve been through a tough time lately,” she said, kneeling over him. “It’s not easy breaking up with someone, but I want to let you know you’re a great person and you’ll be okay. Becky’s loss is my gain.”

  With the silence and the quiet tears by some of the girls, Alex knew it was an emotional environment. He knew that what he was feeling wasn’t entirely real. Nevertheless ...

  She made a cross with the oil on his wrist and slipped a folded up piece of paper into his hand. He eased it into his pocket, glad that the only light in the room was from candles.

  After the session he went to the one place he could get some privacy — the toilet. He locked the door and took out the note.

  Dear Alex,

  Thanks for making this camp so much fun. Do you wanna make it even better? Tonight I am gong to go to the beach at 1am. Why don’t you join me? We can have a swin and then who knows what might happen? Hope to see you there.

  Love Claire.

  PS Don’t show this note to anyone.

  PPS Please come. I’m worth the risk!

  CHAPTER 18

  Skinny Dipping

  “Girls are sneaking to the beach tonight. Who’s in? Pass it on,” said Peter.

  “Girls are sneaking to the beach tonight. You in? Pass it on,” said Adrian.

  “Girls sneak to beach tonight with Ewen. Pass it on,” said John.

  Alex was nervous. He was more than nervous, he was packing death. He would rather be in a helicopter trying to beat Danny Way’s record of highest drop-in than the situation he was in tonight. He looked down. “You sneaking out, Homan?”

  “No way. For one thing, if I get sent home Mum will sell my computer. Two, I go out with the biggest square in Year 10. Three, no girls are actually doing it. Callaghan’s made the whole thing up.”

  Alex looked at his watch. The alarm was set. He hoped it’d be pouring down with rain, giving him an excuse not to go. Or maybe he’d sleep right through the alarm? He got it. Maybe he could accidentally turn the alarm off and say he’d slept right though it?

  He closed his eyes. He’d make the decision when he woke up.

  Alex never woke up. He never got to sleep. The possibilities of what might happen wouldn’t let him.

  We’ll go for a swim.

  Does this mean with or without clothes? he wondered. Hell, not even his mum got to see him naked. Well, not since primary school.

  Who knows what might happen?

  They could get busted by Mrs Beagan, for one thing. She’d ring his parents and Chief wouldn’t be impressed with getting woken up in the middle of the night. As for his mum . he didn’t even want to think about that. She’d have him in intensive therapy for a year. Dr Mum, Alex called her.

  Please come. Im worth the risk.

  Was she expecting him to ...? Surely not, they’d only been going out for 36 hours.

  He looked down at his watch: 12:30 ... 12:45 ... 12:59. It was now or never.

  He tiptoed out the cabin like a cat burglar and started jogging once he got past the toilets. There was a dirt track which led down to the beach and luckily the moon was out, so he could sort of see where he was going.

  Ouch! He kicked a rock.

  Alex allowed himself to breathe once he felt the sand under his feet. There wasn’t much chance that teachers would patrol here, unless they were planning on a late-night dip themselves. He peered up and down the beach but couldn’t see Claire anywhere. Maybe she wouldn’t show?

  A whistle came from the dunes.

  “Claire?” he whispered as loud as he could.

  Nothing.

  It’s probably just a bird.

  There was another whistle. Cloud had covered the moon and he couldn’t see a bloody thing. He heard footsteps and someone tapped him on the shoulder.

  “Hi sexy.”

  Claire led him back to the dunes. Suddenly he heard a loud voice.

  “Jackson! You’re in biiiig trouble, boy!”

  Alex froze, picturing himself as a 30-year-old man-child waiting to be let out of his room. Then he looked closer and saw that it was a boy, Billy Johnstone, who thought that scaring Alex was as funny as a Simpsons episode. Sitting beside Billy was Linda Staccone.

  There were sticks set up for a fire — Billy had built the pile earlier today. Out of a backpack he produced newspaper which he twisted into strips and put underneath the wood. He lit a match and the flames licked and spluttered but eventually caught. The four looked into the dancing light, mesmerised.

  “Any marshmallows?” said Claire.

  “No, but we’ve got these.” Linda took some cigarettes and a bottle out of Billy’s backpack and passed them around.

  Alex said no to the smoke but had a swig of bourbon. He needed some Dutch courage, but all it did was burn his throat.

  “I’m surprised you came, grommet,” Billy said. “You’re not as straight as I thought you were.”

  Luckily he couldn’t see the look on Alex’s face.

  “You’ve got yourself a real good girl there, Jackson. Not as good as this one,” Billy said, squeezing Linda, “but she’ll teach you a thing or two.”

  “Let’s go for a walk,” Claire said to Alex.

  They strolled along the water’s edge, holding hands and digging their toes into the wet sand. “You see what I mean about Billy?” said Claire. “He’s such a loser. I know you’ll never say things like that.”

  Alex couldn’t remember what Billy had said but he didn’t say that to Claire.

  The water swept in and wrapped around their ankles. It was cool on their skin. It sucked back out and their feet sunk in the sand. The cloud disappeared and you could see the moon’s reflection lining the ocean.

  “Ready for a swim?” said Claire.

  They found dry sand and started undressing, Alex taking his shirt off slower than he ever had before. He didn’t want to be the first one in the nuddy.

  “Don’t look,” Claire said.

  He turned away and heard the snap of a bra.

  “How much are you taking off?” said Alex.

  “All of it,” said Claire. “Try to explain wet underwear to the teachers. Well, I guess you could.” She laughed and all of a sudden she was gone.

  Alex took off his shorts and boxers and ran into the ocean. The cold water stung his legs but this was no time to adjust slowly, like Chief. When the Jacksons went to the beach, the rest of the family were ready to get out by the time Chief got his head wet.

  Alex dived under a wave and felt better. The water covered his body and he wasn’t so vulnerable. He looked for Claire but couldn’t see her.

  Something grabbed his leg.

  Shark!!!

  Claire’s head popped out of the water, smil
ing. Alex grabbed her arm and gave her a knuckle rub. He let go and they got close enough to feel each other’s breath without touching.

  It struck Alex that a naked girl was a few centimetres away. And she was real, not on the pages of a trashy magazine that Callaghan pulled out of his bag on the train. He realised he was out of his depth, and it had nothing to do with the water.

  She tasted like smoke and salt. His mouth eventually found her neck, her shoulders, her breasts — nipples hard from the cold. A wave knocked them off balance, making them laugh and twist and find another body part to explore.

  “I think I’ve caught something,” said Claire.

  Alex closed his eyes, shuddered and shivered and it was over. For a short time there were millions of fish swimming beside him in the ocean. Then they all drowned.

  His first thought was of Becky. His second was of how much trouble he could get into if he was sprung naked in the ocean with a girl. He gave Claire a quick kiss.

  “We’d better be getting back,” he said.

  They got dressed and snuck up the track without a word. Claire went into the toilet and Alex made it to his bunk without an alarm going off or a teacher dragging him to an office. In fact, no one seemed to notice.

  Except John. He sat up as Alex climbed into bed.

  “Hey, Jackson,” he said. “Do you want to sneak with me to beach? We meet girls there.”

  “Go to sleep, John.”

  CHAPTER 19

  Orange-Faced

  Alex wanted to sleep through breakfast. But after being punched in the arm for the third time by Jimmy he went to the bathroom and threw water on his face to wake up. Though not before he punched Jimmy back.

  He wondered if last night was real or a dream. Looking down at his legs he saw sand and salt and his answer. He jumped in the shower and felt better, but a nagging feeling inside him wouldn’t wash away.

  What it was he didn’t know. There was always the chance that someone would tell someone who’d tell a teacher and he’d be caught out like a fly in a web. It could be that it was starting to sink in that he and Becky were over, and he wasn’t ready for that. Or maybe it was because he was now a kid who could sneak out and go skinny-dipping on a school retreat. He was becoming someone he’d never been. And if he stayed with Claire, this was only the beginning.

  Jimmy saved him a seat at breakfast but so did Claire. He sat next to her at a small table in the corner. The only others there were Billy and Linda.

  “Have a good sleep last night, grommet?” said Billy.

  “Too short,” said Alex. “You?”

  “I had the best type of dream there is,” Billy said with a big grin.

  “What’s that?”

  “A wet one.”

  Alex looked across the room and saw that half the kids were staring at them, whispering behind their hands. He got up for orange juice, which was being poured by kids on breakfast duty.

  “Jackson, you want your orange juice filled up all the way?” said Zane Beard, holding up the jug. “I heard you like to go all the way.” He cracked up at himself.

  Something inside Alex snapped. He was having breakfast with Billy Johnstone — the kid who chucked his head into a pole in Year 8. He was going out with Claire Carney — a girl he’d hardly spoken to in two years of high school. It struck him that he knew all along what the feeling in the shower was. It was fear. He was scared of the person he was becoming.

  He took his orange juice and sat next to Jimmy. It was cruel, he knew, but he couldn’t face another minute at that table. He’d talk to Claire later and was pretty sure she’d understand. Besides, she must be used to breaking up. She’d done it often enough.

  As usual, when it came to girls Alex misread the situation. Totally. Claire got orange juice and came to his table, standing over him.

  “You too good to sit next to me now?” she said.

  “No.”

  “Well, what are you doing?”

  All the guys stopped talking. Peter Callaghan’s mouth was wide open, full of toast and vegemite.

  “Can we talk about this later?” said Alex.

  “No. If you’ve got something to say let’s talk about it now.”

  Everybody was looking, even the teachers.

  Alex wondered how the hell he could get out of this one. “It’s Becky,” he said.

  Claire gave him a death stare. Peter Callaghan giggled.

  “That’s bullcrap,” she said. “I thought you were different but you’re not. You pretend to be nice, but deep down you’re a snake.’’

  She chucked the orange juice in his face. He knew it was coming. He was looking at the orange juice bobbing up and down in her hand while she was saying her piece and thinking, She’s going to throw that at me. When it finally came it was somewhat of a relief; the worst part was the waiting. A hundred people drew their breath in collectively, then a couple of girls cheered.

  Only when Claire walked away did Alex start feeling bad. Really bad.

  CHAPTER 20

  Real Love Waits

  There were interrogations from Miss Phillips and Mrs Beagan but Alex didn’t get into trouble. There was no denying what it was — an ex-lovers’ fight — but the teachers didn’t know about last night.

  Miss Phillips asked Alex why Claire did what she did.

  “I guess she was mad at me,” said Alex.

  “Why was she mad at you?”

  “I guess because I don’t like her anymore.”

  “Do you think you could have handled the situation better?”

  “Yes.”

  “How?”

  “I could have told her when no one was around.”

  “And no orange juice, either.” Miss Phillips smiled. “I’m not sure that’s all there is to it, Alex, but you can go. I suggest you have a talk to Claire, once she’s calmed down. I also think you should listen closely to the young woman who is speaking this morning.”

  Billy Johnstone had heard right. The last session of the retreat was a talk by a pretty lady about sex. Vanessa didn’t need Billy to demonstrate with because it wasn’t the birds and bees she talked about. She wanted to share what had happened to her when she was in high school, and because she was young and spoke their language the students listened.

  They also listened because she talked about sex.

  “When I was in Year 8,” she said, “I was a square. My friends were all smart and we’d see who could get the best marks in class. None of us had boyfriends and we were all into Buffy. We’d sit around talking about the episodes during lunch.”

  “I would have gone out with her,” whispered Jimmy to Alex. “l like Buffy too.”

  “When I was in Year 9 a new girl came and I became best friends with her. She smoked, so I started smoking. Sometimes at her place we’d drink alcohol, but I still did all my homework and I got along okay with my parents. I went with them to church and I guess I believed in God, but I didn’t think much about it.”

  “I would have dumped her,” said Jimmy behind his hand. “I hate girls who smoke.”

  “In Year 10 things changed. I became taller and more developed. I felt like all these hormones inside me were going crazy. I’m sure you can relate to that.”

  “Yes,” said Peter Callaghan out loud.

  “I joined the popular group and I started going out with lots of guys. They were mostly footy players who were good-looking but didn’t treat girls well. We didn’t care as long as they were cute and had good bodies. And the best looking one, the captain of the football team, the one all the girls wanted to go out with, was Seb Fox.”

  “The Billy Johnstone of her school,” Jimmy whispered. “I hate him already.”

  “The day Seb asked me out was, at the time, the best day of my life. I still remember it like yesterday. He came up and said he wanted a girlfriend more beautiful than what he was holding behind his back, then he pulled out a rose. I was so happy. We would walk around school arm in arm, and all the girls were so jealous.”
>
  She gave a little smile.

  “I was still a virgin then,” she said. “Lots of my friends had already done it and I would have too, but I guess I was afraid. Mum was always telling me about diseases and getting pregnant and how having sex before marriage is a sin. I was fighting with my parents a lot more at this stage but I still listened to them — more than they thought, anyway. But it got to the stage where it was clear that ifI didn’t sleep with Seb he wouldn’t be around much longer. He would say things like, ‘It’s natural’, and ‘I love you so much it hurts not to show it’.’’

  Some kids giggled.

  “Then one Friday night there was a big party. Everybody was having a good time, drinking and dancing. I was on top of the world. Seb was making me shots of vodka and lime, and before long I was really drunk.”

  She took a deep breath. Kids weren’t whispering or fidgeting. They were waiting.

  “There was a caravan in the backyard,” she said softly. “I barely remember him taking me there. I can remember lying on the bed and Seb taking off my clothes. I don’t think I even cared, it was like a dream. He had sex with me and left, and then his footy mate came in ...”

  She stopped talking as the tears welled up in her eyes and her mouth quivered. If it was an act it was a damn good one. Tears spread through the room like a ripple in a pond. Even Alex had to take a gulp.

  “There were four of them,” Vanessa continued, “one after another. The next week at school a friend of mine told me they joked about it. ‘You did it first.’ ‘You slept with her.’ ‘You went for the longest.’”

  Sarah Sceney had her hand up. “Did you ask Seb why he did it?”

  “I never spoke to him again. He probably didn’t think he’d done anything wrong, that’s the worst part. ‘We were all drunk and it happened,’ that’s what he told his friends.”

  Vanessa took a breath and kept going. “But that wasn’t the worst part of it for me. I received two presents that night. An STD and a baby. I’ve still got the STD but the baby was never born. Because of the circumstances the doctors advised me to have an abortion, so I did, and it’s something I have to live with for the rest of my life, that I killed an unborn child.