Striving for Acceptance

by B. L. Mooney

  “Yes, I know.” He came around the desk. “Deb’s a hard woman to get to know. It’s very difficult to earn her trust, especially if she has something to lose.”

  “What does she have to lose with me? Why does my being a former cop change anything?”

  “I can’t speak on the officer issue, but as for what she has to lose with you, only her heart.” He slipped his hands in his pockets and rocked back on his heels. “If you mention this to anyone, I will deny it and then come after your properties. Everyone’s afraid to push Deb, even though I think that’s what she needs the most. Push her and then earn her trust.”

  “I’ve been trying to earn her trust for the past few months.”

  “No, you’ve been following her rules.” He rubbed his chin. “I’m not normally crass, but how are you treating her in the bedroom?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When I’m working in the study, I hear her and Rachael talking sometimes. All she wanted from you in the beginning was sex. What kind of sex? You don’t have to answer that, but I’d bet it isn’t making love to her. It’s all been on her terms.

  “When Rachael and I first got together, there was an issue of control. She didn’t want to give it up. She didn’t trust me enough to give it up.” He shook his head. “But when she did, and I was allowed to control the moment, that’s when I hooked her.”

  “Well, she isn’t even speaking to me right now, so I’m not sure how I can use any of this to help.”

  “Do you give up easily?”

  “No. I just don’t know where she is.”

  “If you want her bad enough, I’m sure you’ll figure it out.”

  I walked into Deb’s shop and ignored Drew. I went straight behind the counter and dug through the stack of papers I knew Deb kept meaning to go through.

  “What are you doing?”

  “None of your business.”

  “This is most certainly my business.” She tried to take the papers from me and I put out my arm to hold her back. “What are you looking for?”

  “None of your business.”

  She fought me and I had to stop looking to get her off me. The door opened and I heard running right before I felt the chokehold around my neck.

  “What the fuck is going on?”

  “Dennis, stop.” Drew tried to pry his arm off my neck. “This is Mick.”

  “Why was he attacking you?”

  I elbowed him in the gut and got out of his grip. I was steps away from the mail and was pulled away again. I turned and shoved him. “Back off.”

  He grabbed my shirt and rushed me to the wall. “What the fuck is your problem?”

  Drew was yelling as we started scuffling. “Stop it.” She tried to separate us and wedged herself between us, facing Dennis. “Stop.” She turned to me. “I assume you’re looking for Deb’s home address. I already took out everything that wasn’t related to the shop. There’s nothing there.”

  I slid down the wall with my knees up and rested my head on my arms. “I’m not the bad guy. I just want to talk to her.”

  “You’re going to have to give her time. She’s pretty upset you lied to her.”

  “I didn’t lie to her. She was just so terrified every time a siren went off or a cop went by, I couldn’t tell her.”

  “What, you can’t find someone else to empty your balls into? You have to find my sister to do that?”

  “Don’t talk about her like that.”

  “I’m not, tough guy. I’m talking about you.”

  I stood up. “Just the implication she would allow me to see her just to,” I made air quotes with my fingers as I spoke, “empty my balls into her, means she’s easy. Don’t talk about her like that.”

  “That’s all you two were doing, right? You were just in it for the sex.”

  “No, I like Deb. I want to work through this.”

  “Right. If you’ve got a case of blue balls, find someone else to unload them into.”

  I walked up and got in his face. “That isn’t what I want to find her for.”

  “Really? You could’ve fooled me. From what I hear, you don’t even take her out to dinner.”

  I shoved him. “Why don’t you come around when she’s here? You come out when your fiancée is here, but where were you when Deb opened? Where were you when she had that huge sale and could’ve used your help?” I shoved him again. “Where were you when she got burned?”

  “She got burned?” Drew stepped up. “What are you talking about?”

  “I was here, Dennis. Not you. I’ve been taking care of her. Making sure she eats. Making sure she isn’t alone for too long in the shop without a break. Making sure she has someone to go to when she needs someone close to her. I’ve been there!”

  Dennis didn’t have an answer for anything I said, but Drew came up and was still concerned about the burns. “What did you mean? When was she burned?”

  I finally backed off from Dennis and turned to Drew. “Someone set a basket on fire. She carried it to the sink and burned her arms and belly.”

  “Who did it?”

  “I don’t know.”

  Dennis scoffed. “You’re a cop and you couldn’t figure it out?”

  “She wouldn’t let me call them. I’m not a cop anymore.” I turned back to Drew. “She just said it was an older woman who said a lot of nonsense. She was probably just some crazy person who wandered in.”

  “I don’t think so.” She walked over to the stack of papers I was looking through and pulled out three letters. “These keep coming.”

  I took them and started reading.

  I looked at Drew and Dennis. “What’s going on?”

  Dennis snatched the papers out of my hand. “I’d like to know that, too. What’s going on, Drew? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I just found them this morning when I was going through her papers. Dennis, you and Deb haven’t been getting along for quite a while. Why would she tell you?”

  “Why were you going through her papers? I understand her not wanting to be anywhere near me, but with her trust issues, I’m not sure going through her things was what she had in mind.”

  “I noticed some personal mail on top of the pile. I didn’t want some asshole to get her address and see her when she doesn’t want to see him.”

  Dennis stood there looking at the papers. “She’s going to talk to me about it, damn it.” He took off.

  Drew looked at me and shook her head, but I ran out after Dennis. If he was going to Deb’s, he was going to lead me right to her.

  The bed had become my sanctuary—the covers, my protector. It shielded me from the world I didn’t care to be a part of anymore. My long-lost friend, depression, had made another visit, and I welcomed it. I didn’t make it go away.

  I’d already missed one appointment with Joseph. I didn’t care if I ever went back. There wasn’t anything he could do to help me. I’d made my bed, and it was time to lie in it.

  I wasn’t sure why I thought I could live my life as if I’d done nothing wrong. I’d done plenty wrong and I needed to pay for it. This misery is better off only affecting me. I shouldn’t push it on anyone else.

  I wanted to close the shop–I didn’t plan on going back there–but Drew and Rachael wouldn’t allow me to close it. They each have stepped up when they could and run the shop for me. My only concern was that woman would come back while they were there, but she hadn’t made another appearance, so maybe Mick was right and it was a random act.

  The letters hadn’t stopped, though. I rolled over and pulled the covers further over my head. I never read the letters I got when the news first broke about what I’d done to Craig. My family kept those from me. I didn’t know if they had read those first letters or not, but they weren’t keeping the letters from me this time. I needed to handle my own mess.

  My bedroom door opened and I stopped breathing. Not because I was afraid. They could do what they wanted; nothing could hurt me more than I was already hurting. I j
ust didn’t want them to find me. I was better off alone.

  The covers flew off and I tried to grab them, but Dennis grabbed my wrists. “What are you doing?”

  “Sleeping. How the hell did you get in here?”

  “Rachael gave me her key. She’s worried about you, too.”

  “Well, now you know I’m still breathing. Get out!”

  “No! We’re going to have a talk and your ass is getting up. Now!”

  “You don’t boss me around. I’m capable of making my own decisions. Get out!”

  Mick came around the corner and I stopped breathing for a second time. It seemed he had forgotten to breathe when he looked at me, too. Our eyes locked and nothing else existed. He looked as bad as I felt. The dark circles under his eyes told me he wasn’t sleeping.

  He took a step forward and reached out to me. I got off the bed. “Don’t.”

  “We just need to talk. I’m the same guy no matter what I used to do. It was just a job.”

  I shook my head and fought the tears. There was no way he would accept me after he found out. His family wouldn’t allow us to work through it, either. “No. There’s nothing to talk about.”

  Dennis stepped forward. “There’s plenty to talk about. Take a shower, brush your teeth, and get your ass to the living room.”

  He walked out and left Mick and me alone. I thought he was going to leave, but he locked the door instead. “We need to talk. I’m not leaving until we do.”

  “You may be the same person, but so am I. I’m the same person I was before. I’m still afraid of the things I was before. The fact you quit doesn’t change that.”

  “What are you afraid of?”

  I shook my head. “You don’t get to know that anymore.”

  “How can I help if I don’t?”

  “I don’t need your help! I just need you to leave. Please, just leave.”

  “You were giving us a shot. You were coming over for more than just sex. Tell me I’m wrong.”

  “You’re not wrong, but we can’t be together now.”

  He stormed toward me and I backed up, but he still grabbed my arms. “Why not? Tell me why and I’ll leave you alone. I deserve to know that much!”

  “I killed someone!” I jerked my arms free and shoved him back a few steps. “I’m a murderer and you put those people away.”

  He stood there looking at me, unable to comprehend what I’d just said. I knew he wouldn’t be able to handle it. It was better to get it out in the open and end us once and for all rather than try to keep it hidden and have someone expose me later.

  “When?” He looked at me differently.

  I closed my eyes as the tears started to fall. I couldn’t get the image of his face out of my mind. I walked to the bathroom to scrub my body again. “Over a year ago.” I shut and locked the bathroom door.

  The water was turning cold. I had to get out even though I didn’t want to. I looked at my fingers; they were wrinkled. I bent over and turned the water off but stayed in the shower with water dripping off my body and hair. I looked at the door.

  I didn’t want to talk to Dennis. He was the one I talked to the most out of my siblings until he brought Drew into our lives. I was so blinded by Craig and thought he was innocent, I couldn’t stand to see my brother fall for the evil bitch Craig made her out to be.

  I took a deep breath and stepped from the shower. I needed to start repairing that relationship just as I had with Rachael. She was easier, though. I was never hateful of the person she was in love with. However, I was horrid to Drew, and I needed Dennis to forgive me.

  I put fresh pajamas on and took a towel with me to dry my hair. I was starting to grow it out, but it was still short enough to towel dry. As soon as I opened the bedroom door I could smell that Mick hadn’t left. Dennis didn’t know how to cook that well.

  I turned to go back into the bedroom, but Dennis grabbed my arm. “Hey.” He turned me to him and hugged me. “I’m sorry I came in like that.” He squeezed me tighter. “I’m sorry I let him follow me here, too.”

  I hugged him tightly. “Make him go home.”

  “I did.” He pulled back and looked at me. “It’s just us, but I let him make dinner first. Are you hungry?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “Come on. You don’t look like you’ve eaten anything for a while.” He took my hand and pulled me to the kitchen.

  I followed but looked down the entire way. I had expected Mick to still be in there, that Dennis had been lying about him leaving. When I turned the corner, no one was there. I looked around.

  “I told you he left.”

  He led me to the table and seated me at the only plate. I looked at him. “I don’t want to eat alone.”

  “I was hoping you’d say that.” He grabbed a plate, and I shook my head.

  I looked at the plate. It was a simple spaghetti dinner, but as soon as I took a bite, it was clearly made by Mick and there was nothing simple about it.

  “It’s good, huh?” Dennis pulled his chair next to mine and sat down. “I didn’t want him to think I approved of him, but damn did this smell good.”

  We sat in silence and ate. The more I ate, the harder it was to stop, but the harder it was to continue at the same time. It was all I had of Mick. After that meal, he’d be out of my life forever. I never wanted to finish eating, but I couldn’t take another bite. I put my fork down and put my hands in my lap.

  “I’m so sorry, Deb.” Dennis pushed his plate away after he finished. “I’m sorry I leaned on you without letting you lean on me. I’m sorry I was too self-involved to realize you needed to talk to me when I called you for advice. I’m sorry I stopped talking to you after you saved Drew’s life.”

  “I’m sorry for all the things I said about Drew. I’m sorry I tried to break you up.” I put my elbows on the table and placed my face in my hands. “I’m sorry I brought him into our lives and that he hurt you.”

  He scooted over closer to me and turned me into his arms. “Hey, we’re fine now. I’m fine, Drew’s marrying me, and we’re all alive to talk about it.”

  I hugged him tighter. “I’m glad you didn’t listen to me. She’s great for you.”

  “Will you tell me what’s going on? When did the letters start?”

  “Letters?” I pulled back and watched as he took the letters from his pocket. I grabbed them. “Who gave you those?”

  “We found them in your shop. What’s going on? Why didn’t you tell us about the fire?”

  I put the letters on the table. They disgusted me. “It’s my problem. I won’t pull you all into my shit again.”

  “We’re family. We’re already in your shit.”

  I stood up and took the plates to the sink. “I don’t want you there. You have your lives to live.”

  “You are part of our lives. What if this was happening to Rachael?”

  “Things did happen to Rachael and she kept them quiet. I know you and Drew are fighting. Are you going to keep that a secret?”

  “Drew and I aren’t fighting.”

  “Could’ve fooled me.” I moved to the living room and picked up the television remote.

  “Are you trying to start shit?”

  “No. I’m just stating an observation.”

  He grabbed the remote out of my hand. “What are you observing?”

  “Why don’t you go with her to any of the wedding stuff?” I tilted my head when he looked down. “What’s going on with you?”

  “Nothing’s going on with me. Drew makes me the happiest man in the world, but this wedding stuff . . .” He sat next to me on the sofa. “I just don’t care. I don’t care what colors we have. I don’t care what kind of cake we have. Who cares what we serve for the dinner?”

  “Drew cares.”

  He nodded. “I know.” He turned the television off and put the remote on the coffee table.

  “So, go with her.”

  “It kind of snowballed. At first, I thought she was just going to l
ook at stuff. Then she said she started ordering things. What if I don’t like it? I don’t want to break her heart.”

  “You’re already breaking her heart by not going.” I shook my head. “I swear, guys are dense. You have no clue. She wants you there.” I looked at my watch. “She’s meeting the caterer to go over things in less than an hour. Go.”

  He looked at his watch and looked at me. “What about the letters?”

  I sighed. “Go meet your fiancée. We’ll talk about it tomorrow.” I stood up. “Come on.” I pulled him up and hugged him. “Go. I love you, baby brother.”

  He held me tighter. “I love you, too.”

  I watched as he ran out the door. Things weren’t perfect between us yet, but at least it was a start. The thought made me smile. I looked in at the kitchen table where the letters were. It wasn’t something I wanted to think about, so I picked up the remote.

  I pounded on the door. I lifted my hand to pound on it again, but Blake opened it first. I pulled my hand back just before I pounded on him then stormed past him. “I need help.”

  He looked dazed as he shut the door and turned to me. “What’s wrong?”

  “Everything. I know why she doesn’t like cops, and I need you to help me.”

  He looked behind me and I turned. Maria stood there with a knife. “Are you staying for dinner?”

  I looked between the two of them. “You already know, don’t you?”

  “Mick.” Maria took a step forward. “I recognized her when I came over to help with her burns. I didn’t piece it together until you said she was spending time with Drew. That story was on the news, and it broke my heart to hear what he’d done to them. I came home and researched it and confirmed it was your Deb.”

  “And you didn’t fucking tell me!”

  “We thought it would be best if she told you.”

  I turned to Blake. “You were supposed to be my best friend! You should’ve told me. I could’ve helped her!” I turned and started pacing. “Now, I’ve lost her because I blurted out I was a cop. I would’ve been able to calm her fears before springing it on her, but you two didn’t give me the chance!”