Striving for Acceptance

by B. L. Mooney

  Drew walked around the corner. “What’s wrong?”

  “I didn’t order these, but now I’m stuck with hundreds of dollars' worth of roses.”

  “You can’t send them back?”

  “No. The shelf life is too short for them to take them back and wait on an order. They’re cut when requested. If I want to lose a distributor, I can pitch a fit, but . . . mother fucker. What am I going to do with them all?”

  “Have a sale.” She opened a box. “They’re beautiful. A sale will drive more people to your store. Find out what you need to sell to at least break even and sell them for that, or a little bit more to make a few bucks.”

  “A sale should be planned.”

  “We’ll figure it out.” She placed her hand on my arm. “Let me help.”

  No matter who spoke them, I hated those words. I didn’t need help, only this time I did. I nodded.

  It was a busy twenty-four hours. Drew helped me to make flyers and distribute them all over the city. Rachael used some of Carl’s contacts, let them know about the sale, and encouraged them to treat their wives. Carl wasn’t too thrilled, but he did receive some positive feedback, so he let it go.

  We had no idea we would receive so many customers at once. I was hoping to just get rid of the extra inventory, but I sold more than I hoped and took orders for several future deliveries. I couldn’t believe I was going to come out ahead.

  As relieved as I was, I was even more exhausted. I closed the door and locked it. “It’s finally over.” I turned and leaned against the door.

  “That was a rush, but exhausting.” Drew took the apron off and folded it.

  Rachael took her apron off, too. “I can’t believe how much you sold. A sale was a very good idea.”

  I stood up and walked over to them. “It was Drew’s idea. I was too busy freaking out about how I was going to pay for them, but she really helped. You both helped. Thank you.”

  They looked at each other and smiled. I stepped back, but they grabbed me and hugged me anyway. “We’ll get you to like hugs.” Rachael hugged me tighter.

  Drew backed up and smiled. “I think she likes hugs. She would rather have them from someone else, though.”

  Rachael nodded. “Yes. How are things going with Mick?”

  “Mick is Mick.” I started cleaning up the shop.

  “Remember what you told me about Carl? You said I needed to date him. We were just having sex, too. Our relationship was solely based on physical needs.”

  “That’s where Mick and I are staying—physical.”

  “It’s okay to be scared.” Drew stepped forward. “We all were, but it’s the best thing we’ve ever done.”

  “You guys don’t have the past I have.” I swept the floor harder. “I don’t want him looking over his shoulder every moment I’m with him, thinking I’m going to kill him, too.”

  “Would you stop with that?” Drew took the broom. “You are not a murderer. You are not someone to watch. When Dennis and I have children, I will expect you to babysit a couple times, and I wouldn’t allow a murderer to step within two feet of my children.”

  “What if we fight?”

  Rachael smiled. “Fighting is the best. Well, at least the make-up sex afterwards is.”

  Drew nodded as I shook my head. “No, I meant what if I get angry enough to do it again.” I pulled up the stool and sat down. “I don’t trust myself.”

  They brought stools over and sat down with me. “Did you and Tom fight?”

  “All the time.”

  “He’s still alive, isn’t he?” Rachael touched my knee. “You aren’t a killer. You were put in a very bad situation.”

  “I put myself there.”

  “Yes, you did.” Drew ignored Rachael’s scoff. “And you’re going to have to live with that. I put myself in the situation I was in, as well. Rachael found herself blackmailed because the man she thought she loved was an evil prick.

  “We all put ourselves in situations where we wish we had made better choices. It’s called life. Granted, our situations are a bit more extreme than someone just cheating on their significant other, but they are our situations.”

  “It’s just so hard to trust again. No one thought any of the guys you just talked about would’ve turned out the way they had. What if Mick has some secret personality I can’t live with?”

  “Then you move on.” Rachael motioned around the shop. “This can move, too. The second something happens you don’t like, please let us know. We’ll help you, but you have to live your life. You have to try.”

  “You make it sound so easy.”

  Drew shook her head. “It isn’t. We all know it isn’t. I still want to beat Dennis some days, but I love him. He makes me happy. Does Mick make you happy?”

  I shrugged.

  Rachael smiled. “I think that blush says he does.”

  “Shut up.” I stood and put the stool back as Rachael and Drew laughed. “What am I supposed to do? Blurt out that I killed a man and the police could come arrest me at any moment?” I shrugged. “Sure, we can date until I go to jail.”

  Rachael just didn’t get it. “Why do you think you’re going to jail?”

  “Because she wanted him dead. She was threatening him right before she shot him, and I was trying to talk her out of it.”

  I turned to Drew. “So, you think it was a mistake, too.”

  “No. I told you I would’ve killed him, too. You just got to the gun before I did.”

  Rachael stood. “The police already cleared you.”

  “I know you all think that, but . . .” I went to the back. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

  They followed me. “But what?”

  “They haven’t!”

  I’d never been inside a police station before shooting Craig, but I kept finding myself back there. I didn’t much care for it. It was cold, colorless and lacked personality and friendliness, but I suppose there was nothing friendly about what I was doing there.

  It was the day after the shooting, and I was awakened by a different detective who wanted to question me. Mark’s friend had already interviewed me after the shooting and let me go, but this guy had a few more questions and hauled me to the police station in handcuffs to prove his point.

  “How long had you been seeing Craig Sullivan?”

  “A few years, but I wouldn’t exactly call it seeing him. He was in prison.”

  “And that wasn’t your first clue to stay away from him?”

  “I thought he was innocent.”

  “And now?”

  I shook my head.

  “How often did you visit him in prison?”

  “At first, it was just letters. He wrote to me about six months after we started writing and said he was adding me to his approved list. It took a little while for me to get the nerve to go, but once I’d gone, I couldn’t stop going.”

  “Were you in love with him?”

  “I’m not sure what I felt.”

  “Are you still married?”

  “Technically.”

  “Where’s your husband?”

  I sighed. “He’s out of town on business, I would assume. I don’t really know his schedule anymore.”

  “Do you want your husband back?”

  “No. I don’t think I ever wanted my husband.”

  “Who broke off the relationship?”

  “It was mutual.”

  “Do you want to kill him?”

  “Of course not.”

  “What about the woman he cheated on you with?”

  I scoffed. “She can have him.”

  “Let’s get back to Craig.”

  “Yes, that’s a fun topic.”

  “Are you having fun?”

  “No. That was sarcasm. Look it up.”

  “It doesn’t really serve your best interest to have an attitude with me.”

  “None of this serves my best interest.”

  “When was the first time you had sex with Craig Sulliv
an?”

  “In the parking lot where I picked him up.”

  He looked at me.

  “If you were put away for over four years, you’d want it, too.”

  “So, you let him have sex with you in a public place?”

  “There wasn’t much traffic that day.”

  “I get the feeling you’re messing with me.”

  “No, actually, I’m not. He had a quick trigger, so it didn’t take long.”

  “Let’s go back to the night you killed Craig Sullivan.”

  “You mean last night? What about it?”

  “Did you want him dead?”

  “Yes.”

  “Was that your motive when you shot him?”

  “My motive was to stop him. Killing him was just a bonus.”

  “Statements like that will not help your case.”

  “You mean the truth?”

  He closed the notepad and looked at me. “I’m all for the truth, which is why you’re in here. Believe me, if I feel you pulled that trigger for even one ounce of wishing he was dead, I will come after you. Don’t get too comfortable in your life.”

  “Then just arrest me already. Take me off to jail if that’s where you think I need to be. Why play these fucking games?”

  “I need evidence. I’ll get the evidence I need, and I will come back for you. It may not be today. It may not be tomorrow, but before I lay my shield to rest, you will be in prison with the other murderers.” He flipped through the notepad.

  I leaned on the counter and put my face in my hands. “I don’t know when he’s coming for me.”

  “Do you know who that was?” Drew sounded shocked. “I can ask Mark to talk to his friend.”

  “No! I don’t want to be on his radar again. Please, don’t say anything.”

  “Okay.”

  Rachael came up and wrapped her arm around me. “We’ll get this figured out. You aren’t going to prison for saving Drew and everyone else in that room.” She made me look at her. “I don’t want you to be alone tonight. Come home with me.”

  I shook my head. “I’d rather go somewhere else. It’s been a couple days since I’ve seen him.”

  They both smiled and nodded.

  “Yes, go see Mick. Carl, Amy, and I will have you over some other time. Maybe one day you’ll even bring Mick.”

  I shoved her. “Go on, you two. Go home. You’ve been a great help to me, and I appreciate it, but now I’m sick of seeing your faces.”

  We said our goodbyes and I let them out. It could’ve waited, but I was nervous to see Mick, so I started cleaning up. Wanting something more in a relationship scared me, but I did want something more with him. I just needed to figure out how much more.

  I took my apron off and looked around, patting my pockets to make sure I had my keys and my phone. I wasn’t even sure if he was home, but I took a deep breath and walked to his place.

  The closer I got to the top of the stairs, I smelled something fantastic. I knew he was home. I touched my belly; I was starved. I hope he made enough for two. I reached up and knocked.

  He opened the door and smiled. “Hey.” He leaned in and kissed me. “I was just making you dinner.”

  “Me?” I followed him in and shut the door. “How did you know I was coming up?”

  “I didn’t. I was trying to hurry to get it down to you before you left. You ladies were busy today.”

  “Yeah, it really was.” I looked at the stove and took a deep breath. “That smells wonderful.”

  He smiled. “Good.” He motioned to the table with his head. “Go have a seat and drink some wine. I’ll be over in a second.”

  I poured two glasses and took a sip from mine. I sat down and turned the chair to see him work. “How much longer before you open your restaurant?”

  “Oh, months. There’s a lot I have to do.” He turned to me. “By the way, I need to get a dumpster and park it out front for a few days or a week or so. I’ll make sure it doesn’t block your shop.”

  I shrugged. “Okay.”

  “Really?”

  “I don’t own the street, Mick. You said you’d make sure it didn’t block the shop, and that’s all I care about.”

  He brought the plates over and sat one in front of me and one on the other side of the table. He reached for his wine, but I took it. “Are those both for you?”

  “No.” I set it back down. “Sit over here with me.”

  He smiled. “I’d be happy to.” He brought his plate over and pulled a chair closer. “Be right back. I forgot the bread.”

  “I’m going to regret eating this chicken parmesan as it is, and now you’re giving me bread?”

  “We’ll work it off later.” He leaned in and kissed me. “Now, we eat. Consider it fuel.”

  He sat down, and I twisted to put my legs in his lap. “My legs hurt so much.”

  “It’s from all the standing. I’ll rub them for you later.”

  I took a bite and moaned at how good it tasted. Everything he made was good; his restaurant would do well. We ate in silence, which was Heaven on its own. Just being with him calmed me and made me feel better. The day was hectic and busy, but moments like that with him brought me back to my peace—as much peace as I’d ever feel again.

  He cleared the plates when we were finished and took me to the sofa. “Let me rub your legs before dessert.”

  “I thought you were going to be dessert.”

  He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes. I touched his arm and made him look at me. He didn’t look any happier when his eyes met mine. “There’s something I have to tell you.”

  I took my legs back and sat up. “The last time someone wanted to talk to me, I had to find new applicants. Did you find a girlfriend?”

  “There is a girl, but the thing is I’m not sure if she wants me. The sex is out of this world, but I’m not sure that’s enough for her to take a chance on me.”

  I smiled. “The sex is out of this world, huh? Saving all your good moves for her?”

  The smile did reach his eyes that time, but it didn’t last long. “I went and talked to my father the other day.”

  “Yeah, how’d that go?”

  “As I expected. He heard before I told him that I officially resigned my position. I was just on a leave of absence before.”

  “He didn’t take it well? I’m sorry.” I rubbed his thigh. “You’ll have a restaurant to be proud of. You won’t be able to keep him away.”

  “That’s kind of what my mom says, too.” He cleared his throat. “My mom also told me if I really liked this girl, I would tell her everything I’m worried about telling her before it’s too late.”

  I grabbed my wine glass and took a drink. I didn’t like where this was going. It figured on the night I decided to try for more with Mick, it was the same night he was going to tell me something to destroy it.

  “Why don’t you like cops?”

  I looked at him and narrowed my eyes. “We’re talking about you.”

  “Right, but just tell me why you don’t like cops, and I’ll tell you what I have to say.”

  “Earning trust doesn’t really work that way. If you want to tell me, fine, but I’m not answering questions as some test to see how much I trust you or something.”

  “No, it isn’t a test. Did a cop hurt you?”

  “No. I’ve told you that.” I stood up.

  He stood up, too. “Look, it’s just really important to know that you do trust me. I’m the same person now, yesterday, months ago when we met as I’ll be the second I tell you this. Just remember that. I’m still me.”

  “You’re making no sense at all. Who is still you?”

  I reached in my back pocket and took out my wallet. Taking the photo out of my parents and me on my graduation day from the academy, I looked at it while I spoke to her.

  “This was never what I wanted. I thought I did, but I just wanted to make my father proud. I wanted to follow in his footsteps as he followed in his father’s and on d
own the line. I wanted to connect closer with my best friend and be able to share the same experiences. The only thing he knows what to do with food is eat it.”

  I looked up at her and held it out. “Remember¸ I’m still me.”

  She reached out and took it but held my gaze for a moment longer. She looked down and immediately glanced back up to me. Her hands were shaking as her eyes dropped down again. “You’re a cop?” She started crying. “Please, please tell me this was a Halloween costume. Please!”

  I reached out for her and she backed away, throwing the photo back to me. “Don’t go. Let’s talk about it.”

  She shook her head and couldn’t speak. I reached out for her again and she shoved me. She started hitting me, backing me up until I hit the sofa and fell back. She took off after that. I sat forward and placed my head in my hands. “Fuck!”

  I stormed past the secretary and barged into Carl’s office. “What are you trying to pull?” I threw the paper I was served with on his desk.

  He nodded to someone behind me, and I heard the door shut. “I’m not pulling anything. You misrepresented yourself; therefore, we will be taking action to terminate the lease.”

  “There’s a penalty to get out of it.”

  “No, read your papers.” He tried to hand them back to me. “You said you were unemployed and just didn’t want the overhead. You said nothing about being a police officer. Furthermore, when you found out Ms. Brooks had an adverse reaction to the police, you proceeded to still withhold this information as well as seduce her.”

  “What? This is a bunch of bullshit.”

  He shrugged. “We’ll let a judge decide that.”

  I snatched the papers out of his hand and started to walk out, but I stopped when he started talking.

  “Off the record, we will win this case. Deb will move on to another location. Life will go on for both of you.”

  I turned to him. “Why is that off the record?”

  “It will be a miserable existence for all of us. I’m sure you’re moping around and being an ass to your friends.”

  “Is she?”

  “She’s an ass anyway, but yes. She’s even more of an ass lately.”

  “She isn’t at the shop anymore. Drew’s taken over.”